Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you assume exclusivity?

56 replies

Ytrigging · 03/06/2021 20:08

I was really surprised to discover that some people don't assume that their relationship is exclusive until they've had a conversation about it. Is non-monogamy so common now that it has become the default option? I've never had an "are we exclusive" conversation with anyone and I find the idea of the default relationship being an open relationship quite unpleasant. Is this something American which is becoming normal here? Or is it an OLD thing which is becoming more mainstream?

In these situations, what would your assumption be?
Situation1: Molly and Arthur join the same climbing course. They learn to climb together, start to meet up at weekends with their other climbing friends to go on climbing trips and have become friends over a period of 2 months. Then one day Arthur asks Molly out and Molly says yes. They meet up for dinner some other date once per week for a month. Then Molly finds out that Arthur is seeing another woman. Do you think Arthur is cheating on Molly?

Situation 2: Molly and Arthur match on an online dating site. They meet up for a date once per week for a month. Then Molly finds out that Arthur is seeing another woman. Do you think Arthur is cheating on Molly now?

OP posts:
Sandra15 · 04/06/2021 00:48

@HollowTalk

I'm a big believer in exclusivity. If I even kissed a man and thought I'd see him again, I wouldn't go out with someone else.
I'm 37 and that's how I operate. I think I am a closet Victorian.
MMmomDD · 04/06/2021 01:00

In both of your scenarios it seems more likely that he is cheating on the woman he is ‘seeing’ - depending on what you mean by ‘seeing’.
More specifically -
Scenario 1. Seems more like a friendship, than anything else really. Dinner once a week. No mention of intimacy of any sort. And, as someone said above - without knowing what sort of interactions go on between them - chemistry, conversations, etc - it’s hard to judge whether it’s a friendship moving in some direction, or just a friendship.

Scenario 2 - it’s 4 dinners. Four times they have seen each other. Expecting anyone to be exclusive at that moment is way too early.

abstractprojection · 04/06/2021 01:09

You’re just dating until you say you aren’t

While dating I noticed that if a guy is really into you then he will bring up exclusivity fairly early on

Opentooffers · 04/06/2021 01:56

In both scenarios I'd say Arthur is a player and being unfair to his girlfriend especially if they have a sexual relationship, but Molly is not being cheated on, it's the person he's already seeing who is being cheated on.

Opentooffers · 04/06/2021 02:00

But if he's just dating the person he's seeing, then he's not doing wrong, unless when asked by either Molly or his date if he's seeing someone, he lies about it.

LolaSmiles · 04/06/2021 07:58

I wouldn't assume exclusivity after 4 dates in either of those situations.

cookiecreampie · 04/06/2021 09:31

I've always assumed it's exclusive. Maybe I've been wrong at times but those relationships have not worked out and if I'd known they were sleeping around I'd have stopped seeing them. When I first got with my husband things moved very fast, we were seeing each other a lot and having sex very early on into the relationship. It was obvious we wanted to be with each other so it was never questioned. If I'd known he was having sex with other women, the relationship wouldn't have progressed any further. I don't understand how people can date whilst knowing the other person is shagging someone else, unless it's mutual and both people are fine with it.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 04/06/2021 09:44

I’m old and come from a time that you’re exclusive as soon as you begin have your first date. I can’t date multiple people at one time so after the first date and having secured another one I assume we are exclusive. But from reading the pp I see that’s not how it works now.

Same here. I vaguely recall the uproar when Liz Hurley got pregnant by her American boyfriend who said he wasn't sure it was his because he wasn't being exclusive and assumed she wasn't either (or some such). The resulting noise over it was "exclusive? WTF? You're sleeping together!!!" and that was not the British way of doing things.

My relationship history is pretty poor, so I've never had the exclusivity chat. If I was seeing someone and he said that he had decided that he wanted to be exclusive, he would be entering the last, very short and painful phase of his life, because I would have assumed that we were anyway and would count anything else as cheating. Fortunately, that is now a moot point.

Original poster
Ytrigging · 04/06/2021 10:00

I had no idea there was such a huge variation. I have always assumed my relationships are exclusive and so have my previous partners. I suppose I’m quite traditional in some ways so perhaps that makes me less likely to be interested in someone who was looking for something casual or non-monogamous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ytrigging · 04/06/2021 10:02

Opentooffers I think I didn’t make the stories clear enough. In both of them I meant that Molly is the 1st person he starts a relationship with but he begins seeing another woman after he is already seeing Molly.

OP posts:
bathsh3ba · 04/06/2021 10:13

It seems to be an accepted thing these days but I don't like it, I think it's disrespectful and I strongly suspect it benefits men more than it does women.

Hsjdb7483939 · 04/06/2021 10:15

In both of those situations I wouldn’t think he was cheating as I would have the conversation about it; for me I don’t want to be sleeping with someone who is also sleeping with someone else so I make that clear.

MizMoonshine · 04/06/2021 10:23

A is not cheating on M in either of these situations.

You're not in a relationship by default. You need to establish boundaries. Assuming an exclusive relationship doesn't bode well going forward. If you're going to have a relationship you need to be able to have open conversations and clearly establish your desires going forward.

MizMoonshine · 04/06/2021 10:26

When I met my DP I was still dating. I didn't settle on him instantly. I continued to date and sleep with other people until we talked about becoming exclusive.
I didn't explicitly tell him everytime this occurred, but when asked I was honest and I expected that he was doing the same until we established boundaries.

ColaOlaLa · 04/06/2021 10:31

Sleeping with someone doesn’t equal a relationship though, I’ve slept with men and it hasn’t become a relationship just because we slept together (mainly because they didn’t want a relationship!) if I’m dating and sleeping with someone then personally I don’t sleep with anyone else but I wouldn’t assume that was the case for the man (as many do continue to) unless we had spoken about it and agreed

SGBK4862 · 04/06/2021 11:33

I've been with DH over 30 years but had a number of long and short term relationships in my 20s. I don't remember having exclusivity chats either or knowing about such a thing.

But I always met partners in real life. Sometimes knew them for a while before getting together. I wouldn't pursue things if after a date or two I felt nothing much - and when I liked someone I wasn't interested in seeing anyone else.

Also being footloose and fancy free, it was usually possible to see them more than once a week. We would know we were together when we started prioritising spending all or part of the weekends together.

I think I did occasionally 'overlap' boyfriends though - I sometimes carried on seeing some as friends after splitting up and then start seeing someone new, but gave up the old one if the new one became serious.

Also for a few years I had a relationship with a guy I met at a holiday job - we never lived close to each other but wrote letters (pre internet days). He came to see me sometimes and we did have sex but we both knew it wasn't exclusive. I didn't tell my bf of the time though - sounds awful looking back but it seemed fair game to me at the time.

I didn't really take many of the relationships I had that seriously though, even those that lasted a few years - there was only one I considered marrying prior to meeting DH.

LolaSmiles · 04/06/2021 15:36

In both of them I meant that Molly is the 1st person he starts a relationship with but he begins seeing another woman after he is already seeing Molly.
I think perhaps that's the root of the different responses. Different people have different thresholds for calling something a relationship. Some people think a few dates is a relationship, just like some people on here can be quick to talk about their partner, then it turns out they've actually been dating a couple of months, don't live together, don't have any joint expenses etc.

I wouldn't consider myself to be in a relationship with someone after 4 dates, regardless of whether there were other people I was getting to know.

VeganVeal · 04/06/2021 16:45

@sunnyzweibrucken

I’m old and come from a time that you’re exclusive as soon as you begin have your first date. I can’t date multiple people at one time so after the first date and having secured another one I assume we are exclusive. But from reading the pp I see that’s not how it works now.
^ This ^

And agree it doesnt seem like that these days

Suprima · 04/06/2021 16:47

If a man likes you, he will lock it down and have that chat with you at the one month-ish part. Generally he won’t be pursuing anyone else if he is invested with you.

Jennyfromtheculdesac · 04/06/2021 16:49

For me this all comes down to dating vs relationship. If you’re just dating, I wouldn’t assume that’s exclusive. Dating is just dating. If you’re in a relationship I would expect that to be exclusive.

PugInTheHouse · 04/06/2021 16:55

I have never had a chat like that, I am 41. I would assume that after if we are dating, messaging reguarly etc then we are not sleeping with other people TBH. I have never done OLD but I think it does change things a bit

user1471538283 · 04/06/2021 18:24

I've always assumed exclusivity even if it is just dating. You ask someone out or they ask you and it's a relationship.

DriedIris · 04/06/2021 18:34

I wouldn't assume exclusivity in either of those situations. The people have only been dating a month. I wouldn't just assume they weren't dating other people after a few dates.

ChristmasFluff · 04/06/2021 18:42

I'd not assume exclusivity. Why on earth would someone want to commit to a person they don't know? Surely dating is a time when you date whoever you want, and however many people you want?

Then when you like someone enough, you have the 'exclusive' chat and shag them. For some people the 'exclusive' will mean bf/gf, but sometimes it's too soon for that - I mean I don't want to be shagging someone I like if he is shagging others, and I might want to shag him at date 3 - but I wouldn't want to commit to him in any other way at that point. And it's fine if he isn't wanting to be exclusive so soon - I nust wouldn't shag him.

Seems a lot easier than all the assuming. I've been dating since the 70s, and it's a lot less fraught nowadays.

Arthur is doing nothing wrong.

Cactusesi · 04/06/2021 19:20

If I asked a Date what they had been doing since our last date and they told me they had had a great week, dating 4 other people and sleeping with 2 of them, then I would think we weren't exclusive. In most other circumstances I would assume and expect that we were.