OH isnt making a fuss his dad touched me

[sas1879]

Basically I have put up with his dad inappropriately touching me for 25 years because I want the grandchildren to never see him in a bad light. OH knows about it but just lets it go. Last weekend though at the social club his father touched me up in front of others. I made a fuss and he and his lady friend left OH was on duty selling tickets so didnt know. Friends were shocked but lovely to me. Next day i got a text with a sorry its the drink. I ignored this text. Eventually showed OH a few days later and he just seemed disappointed. He must of said something to his Dad though as He said I was flirting which is rubbish I was trying to ignore him while talking to friends. I think I am more upset that OH seems to be on his dads side than mine. I am now at a loss of what am I supposed to do when someone who fell to pieces last year when I almost died and asked me to marry him on Christmas day thinks this is okay.

Define inappropriate touching

Why should the op define touching! She finds it inappropriate, so it's inappropriate! End of story. Doesn't matter if it's slapping, tickling or rubbing her arm ffs.

OP, this would be a deal breaker for me. Your dh should support you on this. It's unacceptable and if your fil can't control himself around you then I'd not see him, or let my dc spend time with him either.

25 years? How old are your children? Probably old enough to know the truth and see him for what he is. I would lose all respect for a partner if he knew about something like this and allowed it to happen to me - the relationship would be over.

It sort of depends what he actually did. Was it actually sexual or do you not like it? Neither is ok as you don't have to be touched by anyone but one is a bigger issue than the other.

@bigbaggyeyes

You probably could not report to the police for someone you know putting their arm on your shoulder , but you could if they came up and grabbed your boobs . So there is a difference .

Personally I would text back and say .”alcohol is no excuse . I find your actions inappropriate so back off.
If you ever touch me again I will report you to the police .”

He touches you inappropriately but you don’t mind him seeing your children. That is very strange. Are you not safeguarding your children. Why have you put up with this for 25 years.

@Whitney168

I want the grandchildren to never see him in a bad light

Christ, I'd want them to know exactly what they were dealing with and ensure they were never within 6ft of him.

This^. You have been exposing/allowing your children to be exposed to this person for years? I have zero respect for someone who would do that.

@bigbaggyeyes

Define inappropriate touching

Why should the op define touching! She finds it inappropriate, so it's inappropriate! End of story. Doesn't matter if it's slapping, tickling or rubbing her arm ffs.

OP, this would be a deal breaker for me. Your dh should support you on this. It's unacceptable and if your fil can't control himself around you then I'd not see him, or let my dc spend time with him either.

Well it does matter massively... it OPs job to communicate not just to bottle up offense over 25 years to something that could be completely innocent and then declare someone a sexual preditor.

Culture, background, connection and a whole lot more dictate whats normal to a person in regards to manners/touch/space, so you dont get to cry sexual assault because someone brushed your arm but someone sticking their hand down your underwear is undeniably assault so it matters massively on what actually happened.

Or is it FIL's job to behave in such a manner that a woman his son is married to, does not feel at constant threat of unwanted attentions from the grotty, handsy little bugger.

The one thing I could say that is positive about my troll of a FIL is that he read the room (well, his DIL) and never did anything remotely inappropriate towards me. I'm not sure his other DIL would say the same though.

@Bluntness100 My father in law did this once to me. He was drunk. I friggen went nuts ans called it out to everyone nearby . My husband ignored it. Because his fathers reaction if he had said anything would have been apocalyptic.

Your FIL touched you inappropriately in front of your husband, and your husband ignored it!? Did the other people present not think it was extremely weird that your husband just allowed his father to assault his wife in his presence? Did they back you up in the absence of any help from your husband? How did you feel, did you think your husband's response was reasonable? Did you and/or your husband continue to see your FIL afterwards? I'm sorry for all the questions, I'm just completely flabbergasted by the whole story.

@KatherineJaneway

When you've put up with it for 25 years, why would he suddenly make a fuss? Serious question. Of course your FIL should never touch you inappropriately but from your DH's point of view it's been going on for so long you must be OK with it.

Nice bit of victim blaming here, what a horrible thing to say.

OP, I hope you can see from these responses how badly you have been treated by both your FIL and partner and put steps in place to safeguard yourself and your children.

Some appalling posts in this thread. Would never ask for advice on here.

Nice bit of victim blaming here, what a horrible thing to say.

Try some basic comprehension I said that FIL should never have touched OP. OP's question was why wasn't her OH making a fuss. My take is he isn't making a fuss because OP put up with the unacceptable behaviour for 25 years. It has now been normalised somehow. I didn't say it was right, I answered OP's question.

You're annoyed at your DH for not reacting but at the same time you won't make a fuss in case the grandchildren see him in a bad light?!

It seems a bit of a double standards to me.

If it's been going on for 25 years it's no wondering it's worsening as he's been getting away with it so thinks it's ok.

Think you need to have a chat with your DH to get him on the same page then make sure it never happens again. And that your DC are NEVER alone with him

Another level of fucked up.

Get away from your partner and his probable nonce father.

Whilst what he does to you is horrible and inappropriate your desire for your kids to "never see him in a bad light" is alarming.

What if starts touching them up?

He’s been getting away with this for 25 years because you and dh have allowed this. Silence perpetuates abuse. You need to tell EVERYONE!!!

Why are you upset that this has happened now, when you say

Basically I have put up with his dad inappropriately touching me for 25 years because I want the grandchildren to never see him in a bad light

Start standing up for yourself AND your children. Stop expecting your DH to do this.

Well it does matter massively... it OPs job to communicate not just to bottle up offense over 25 years to something that could be completely innocent and then declare someone a sexual preditor

Culture, background, connection and a whole lot more dictate whats normal to a person in regards to manners/touch/space, so you dont get to cry sexual assault because someone brushed your arm but someone sticking their hand down your underwear is undeniably assault so it matters massively on what actually happened

Cry sexual assault?! Wow, do you normally use such offensive language when women have been assaulted? Do you accuse them all of ‘crying sexual assault’? If someone has been burgled do you say they’re ‘crying burglary’ or is it a term you reserve exclusively for assaulted women?

And culture is no fucking excuse. Just because some of your friends are ok with having their tits grabbed, doesn’t mean men have the right to go around grabbing women’s tits until they’re told not to. Why are you claiming it’s innocent when OP is upset by it? His intention doesn’t matter, the result does. You know, it’s like how if I took something from your house and my excuse was, well no one else has complained about me taking stuff from their houses, and it’s part of my culture. It doesn’t leave you any less stolen from does it?

How are you OP 🌸

Basically I have put up with his dad inappropriately touching me for 25 years because I want the grandchildren to never see him in a bad light

You thought it was a good idfea for your children to think a sexual molester/groper was a good granddad?
He's been doing it to you and it's been an open secret - and your children have been exposed to him and the family dynamics of turning blind eye and ignoring/not learning what personal boundaries are or knowing what type of behaviour is acceptable.

Basically I have put up with his dad inappropriately touching me for 25 years because I want the grandchildren to never see him in a bad light

I can't get past you wanting your children to be accessible to an old pervert and so putting up with being handled by him for years.

Just leave for yours and your childrens' sake. You're not even married, it seems? Just leave.

I don’t think you’re doing your kids any favours by ensuring they don’t see someone who sexually harasses you in a bad light. You really don’t want to normalise that behaviour to them - you want to protect them from exposure to it.