This is too long to give all the details so I will try to paint an overall picture without dripfeeding.
I am with my DP five years. In the two years before I met him I became close friends with a woman I knew through a mutual friend. We got on great. We were both single and both open about the fact we wanted to meet someone. I did an awful lot of dating, OLD and otherwise. She did very very little.
I met my DP and it got serious fairly quickly. I was conscious not to be one of those women who vanishes as soon as a man appears. She seemed keener to spend time with us as a couple. They share a hobby so that is a common ground for them to talk about.
So here is my 'problem'.
She would openly do herself up when he was arriving - even asking to borrow my makeup bag so she looked ok for him and then talking to him like he was the only person in the room.
She mocked me when I said honestly I wouldn't like them meeting up alone (or him any any new woman friend) for their hobby. My argument was they both have lots of people to train with, why would they seek out to train together? She has repeatedly asked him to do so despite him saying no for years. She often does this as soon as I leave their company but has said it in my earshot too often with a sarcastic "if that's allowed" thrown in. He always says no, busy.
She asks him to come to her house to do DIY projects. He did a couple for her but brought his daughter to the first. I came (unexpectedly for her) the next time and was horrified to see that she was extremely done up. He has said no since then for favours, I had to intervene and say we had too much to do at home. She asked him again after that which I really felt was pushing it.
They have ended up in the same training group for their hobby. She made some unnecessary remarks about him 'being the worst' for eyeing up other women all the time. I felt humiliated and unsettled as i have not seen this side of him and also don't know if it's true. Of course it could be but I can't imagine how she would be able to tell and really, I don't want to know. Myself and DP ended up having an argument about it. He said she's a troublemaker and he doesn't know why I don't tell her to f off.
One night in our earlier dating days she had too much to drink. She was telling me how lonely she felt and how she craved a solid relationship. All fine, I sympathised and understood. Then she went on to talk about how there would have been some challenges if the timing had been different and she had met my DP first. She babbled on about what would have worked between them and also what would not have worked - she talked about it in detail, the pros and cons. I was so stunned i just sat there. I assumed (as I'm sure anyone reading this has too) that he expressed some interest in her at some stage either directly or indirectly but I'm now sure this is not the case having talked openly with him about it.
It looks like a simple fix - meet them both separately but it's not that simple. For one thing, they have become connected by their hobby. He is exasperated by her (the stuff I've outlined above is an example of what goes on a lot) and has offered to just not be in the group but he has friends there, it's local and i don't want him to be training alone when he enjoys the group and I do now (I was wary initially) fully believe he's done nothing wrong.
So this brings me to the bit that I find a bit more sinister. When DP and I met I also had my own fitness related hobbies so our weekends were largely spent doing these types of activities. I became very ill a year and a half ago and have undergone gruelling treatment. It left me bald, physically very limited and very overweight - all temporarily. My friend is extremely thin which I've come to realise she is quite obsessional about.
There are too many to list here but I've had this unnerving sense of her using it against me. The comment about him eyeing up other women was oddly timed. I was dressed up, had a new platinum wig on and was getting lots of compliments and funny comments from the men. They all knew I had been through it and it felt very good natured and kind. That's just one example but there are lots of incidences of her bringing up 'my weight issue' in company with no context. I don't deny I have a weight issue as in I openly state I gained a lot during my treatment and am keen to get back exercising. But it feels designed to put me in my place, remarks about what I should be eating, how I need to be careful.
The night she was upset about being lonely I was pre-illness and getting a lot of very unwanted attention from a table of drunk men. She said to me with a perfectly straight face that something strange was going on, normally she would be the one getting all the attention and maybe she had done a bad job with her makeup. That's good she feels like that but I could not understand why she would need to say that to me. In hindsight this feels like a pattern - she gets a dig in and I can't help thinking she was then trying to sow doubt talking about the bad timing with her and my boyfriend. But I could be seeing what I want to see.
It sounds dramatic but I feel like I'm being controlled and bullied at times. Like she has formed an alliance in her head with my partner and I am the poor fat dead weight who needs to be reprimanded.
I am not sure if I have explained it well. It's hard to pick out relevant examples as it's more of an ongoing thing.
If you've got this far - thank you!
To try to pre-empt a few reactions.
I don't think my DP played any part in this or enjoys the attention. This had been explored and I'm satisfied he is blameless.
She has been a very very good friend to me otherwise.
I don't know if I'm being extra vulnerable due to my illness.
I don't think she is after him - who does that? But I feel she wants to feel that he would be with her except for the unfortunate circumstances of having met me first and bizarrely wants me to acknowledge this.
I feel vulnerable after what I've been through and not really trusting my judgment. I don't know if I'm actually paranoid or if I'm right to be wary. I feel like she has played on my insecurities because she has been finding her own life hard and I should distance myself from her.
Then another part of me thinks 'ugh don't be that awful woman who finds a man and all of a sudden single women friends are the enemy and must be kept away."
I'd be really interested to hear any perspectives but please be kind. I feel silly and petty already.