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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP didn’t text in these circumstances - AIBU?

64 replies

Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 07:11

I posted this in chat but haven’t had many responses, wasn’t really a chat topic! I’ve woken up feeling shit about this and before I speak to DP I just want some perspective.

It was a friend’s funeral yesterday. I hadn’t seen them in a couple of years, I wasn’t massively massively close to them, but I was invited to the funeral in the limited numbers allowed and DP knew I was shaken by the passing and was upset by it. I had been on the last few days though leading up to funeral.

On Tuesday night DP said he hoped I was ok and he hoped tomorrow (yesterday) would go ok and said to take some time before and after to look after myself. I replied to this text and we said goodnight.

I then didn’t hear from him at all yesterday. Still haven’t today but obviously it’s early. We usually speak everyday by text and a couple of times a week by phone. On the odd occasion if work is manic then we may skip a day texting. He was working a shift all day and evening yesterday but he was in WhatsApp intermittently. He had time to send a short text.

I feel shit about this. I would definitely have text him to check he was ok or say goodnight after a day like that. Am I being unfair? I don’t want to cause and issue if I’m being a princess and not recognising it because I’m feeling a bit low at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 07:12

*I had been OK not on the last few days!!!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/06/2021 07:13

Well he told you to take some time before ans after so was clearly staying away so you could do so. I’m not sure I get the issue to be honest.

jellybeans4 · 03/06/2021 07:14

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend

Original poster
Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 07:16

Yeah that’s what was said in chat really. I’ve just woken up feeling horrible and wondering why he’s still not been in touch. Of all the days not to be why choose that one.

I think my perspective is blurred though, I’m usually really relaxed about things

OP posts:
jellybeans4 · 03/06/2021 07:16

Oh for goodness sake only the first sentence of that posted.... apologies! Anyway....he did say he hoped it went well so he didn't ignore it completely. You could have ended up back at a friend's house or something so he was probably just giving you space. Try to not go in all guns blazing but maybe hear his side before you get too angry. Sorry for your loss x

Oneandanotherone · 03/06/2021 07:17

I would have expected at least one ‘how was it’ text but wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t.

Sorry for the loss of your friend Flowers

bloodywhitecat · 03/06/2021 07:18

I read that as he was giving you space and that he was expecting you to text/call him when you were ready.

justawoman · 03/06/2021 07:18

I get it, I think. Telling someone “take the time you need” can feel like saying, “go away and do the difficult emotions and come back when you’re ok again”. It can feel very uncaring, whatever the intention behind the words. I’ve been on the receiving end of it myself and it hurt me.

I think all you can do is have a frank chat with him about it when you next see him. I doubt he meant to hurt you but it’s worth you letting him know that this style of communication/avoidance wasn’t good from your perspective. I’m sorry for your loss.

Hughbert · 03/06/2021 07:19

I am sorry your friend died, but by your own admission, you hadn't seen them in ages and weren't that close anyway. And now you want DP to be more sympathetic. I'm afraid it seems to me like you are turning someone else's crisis into your drama. What would he need to do now to be sufficiently sorry? Just draw a line under it and move on.

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/06/2021 07:20

No he is giving you space... did you text him ?

InTheNightWeWillWish · 03/06/2021 07:20

Did you message him? He won’t know what time the funeral ends, whether you’ve gone out afterwards or just wanted to be by yourself. He texted the day before saying he hoped it went OK and that you needed to look after yourself, so it’s not that he’s uncaring. He’s probably giving you time and space.

LeafBeetle · 03/06/2021 07:23

I think DP probably did this with the best intentions (of giving you some space etc) but I think he misjudged on this occasion.

Couldn't you have texted him though? Just to say "hi, back home now"? Or did you text and he didn't reply?

Original poster
Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 07:27

No I didn’t text him. Maybe I should have. I’m feeling a bit rubbish at the moment so my perspective is hazy. Everyone seems to be saying the same thing though so I don’t think I will raise it as an issue though might mention in passing face to face.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 07:38

Just checked and the last thing I said was acknowledged his message and said I missed him. Not heard anything since.

OP posts:
justawoman · 03/06/2021 07:38

I don’t think you’re wrong. I think it’s quite reasonable to want the person closest to you to show some proactive concern and care when you’re having a very difficult day, especially if you’re used to frequent communication. You should be able to be emotional with your partner, not just expected to go away and deal with stuff and come back when you’re able to be composed again. It sounds to me as though he might be a bit emotionally avoidant. I don’t think he meant to hurt you but I do think it’s worth you having a proper conversation about it with him, otherwise you’ll just continue to feel hurt and neglected and that won’t be good for the relationship long term.

Nohomemadecandles · 03/06/2021 07:42

How do you know he was on WhatsApp intermittently? As in you checked and it said "last seen at..."?

Original poster
Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 07:43

@justawoman he can be quite matter of fact. I don’t know, I just find it odd really. When it happened and I was upset he was very kind, chatted, held me, was lovely. And to be fair the days leading up to the funeral I was absolutely fine. I can be quite strong minded too and don’t always express when I’m not ok, like to pretend I’m fine etc. He may not think I would have appreciated a message so much. It’s just odd as usually we would text each day and there’s only been a few times that’s not happened

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 07:43

@Nohomemadecandles yes

OP posts:
Nohomemadecandles · 03/06/2021 07:45

Do you think he's waiting for you to text then? Not wanting to intrude?

justawoman · 03/06/2021 07:47

It does sound like you need to talk. I think this can be overdone, but have you thought about attachment styles? Sounds like you both might have a touch of avoidance about you (no judgement here: I’m horribly avoidant in relationships and also tend to do the “I’m absolutely fine” thing then get upset when people think I am and leave me alone...)

Ladybug123 · 03/06/2021 07:48

I don’t think you’re wrong either. I would have expected a check in. You were going through an awful day. Close friend or not it’s still a loss.

It doesn’t sound like his usual behaviours as well and that’s why you’re triggered.

He could have been giving you space but you could be reacting to something that has felt off prior to this.

cariadlet · 03/06/2021 07:53

He sent a thoughtful message before the funeral which is the most important thing.

You've said that you hadn't seen this friend for a couple of years and weren't particularly close so it might be that he didn't think you would be upset and didn't feel the need to check on you.

Alternatively, as you normally have a lot of contact, it might be that he thought you would be affected by it and would want to be left alone.

Either way, I don't think that he has objectively done anything wrong. But you are clearly hurt and he hasn't met your emotional needs.

I would wait until you see him next and then explain how you feel, what you would have liked him to have done and what you would like to happen if a similar situation happens again.

Try not to criticise his behaviour (he'll only get defensive and it will be counterproductive). Instead talk about how you feel and what you would like to happen. I'd really try to wait until you see him in person. Tricky conversations tend not to go well via text or messaging.

Capricornandproud · 03/06/2021 07:53

I would be pissed. Of all the days to disappear, that was not the one.

Original poster
Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 07:54

@justawoman yes I think I probably do, I am very anxious about relationships and used to play games a lot, I don’t do that anymore after a lot of therapy. I will probably text him later but right now I just don’t feel like it. As for him, I’m his first relationship and we met when he was 37 so he doesn’t have masses of experience to draw from I suppose!

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 03/06/2021 07:55

@Oneandanotherone

I would have expected at least one ‘how was it’ text but wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t.

Sorry for the loss of your friend Flowers

See “how was it?” Would piss me right off! It was a funeral- how do you think it was? I wouldn’t be happy about being asked that during the process of saying goodbye to my friend.

OP he was probably just giving you space to focus on the day and be around your friends.