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Relationships

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Original poster

DP didn’t text in these circumstances - AIBU?

64 replies

Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 07:11

I posted this in chat but haven’t had many responses, wasn’t really a chat topic! I’ve woken up feeling shit about this and before I speak to DP I just want some perspective.

It was a friend’s funeral yesterday. I hadn’t seen them in a couple of years, I wasn’t massively massively close to them, but I was invited to the funeral in the limited numbers allowed and DP knew I was shaken by the passing and was upset by it. I had been on the last few days though leading up to funeral.

On Tuesday night DP said he hoped I was ok and he hoped tomorrow (yesterday) would go ok and said to take some time before and after to look after myself. I replied to this text and we said goodnight.

I then didn’t hear from him at all yesterday. Still haven’t today but obviously it’s early. We usually speak everyday by text and a couple of times a week by phone. On the odd occasion if work is manic then we may skip a day texting. He was working a shift all day and evening yesterday but he was in WhatsApp intermittently. He had time to send a short text.

I feel shit about this. I would definitely have text him to check he was ok or say goodnight after a day like that. Am I being unfair? I don’t want to cause and issue if I’m being a princess and not recognising it because I’m feeling a bit low at the moment.

OP posts:

NoNobramma · 03/06/2021 07:56

A lot of people do the “treat others as you’d like to be treated” thing- so in “giving you space” and not messaging he is probably doing what he’d want for himself. Space and time and no one else to concern him.
He’s not you though so he doesn’t know that although you were “ok” for the few days you’d actually like his support and to feel thought about.
When he messaged you the night before and said he’d give you space you should have said thank you, I’d really like it if you could - insert what it is you wanted here- him to call to check in with you? Him to message? Etc.

I also wonder why you didn’t message him- you could have said the fur wrap went fine but I’m feeling a little down blah blah blah. Rather than waiting. It seems odd to have a “who texts who first” thing going on.

Relationships are two-way and neither of you are mind readers. Talk. Communicate. Discuss your styles of communication (look at love languages for a starting tool and find out what language you “speak” and which one you want as they’re often different.
Don’t overthink this and make it a negative. It’s a learning opportunity. Take it.

justawoman · 03/06/2021 07:58

I don’t think there are any ‘shoulds’ about how hard grief hits you, especially when the deceased is young (as it sounds like might be the case here?). I grieved horribly and for years for someone I was objectively not that close to when they died young in an accident - my feelings for them when they were alive had been very complicated and difficult. It was far worse than grieving for my own father, and was made harder by the fact that I didn’t feel I could share how I felt with anyone as I didn’t have the ‘right’ to grieve that badly. Feelings can be unpredictable and surprising.

CirqueDeMorgue · 03/06/2021 08:01

I find it odd that someone you're in a relationship with doesn't at least check in with you every day. It takes seconds to send a quick message.

Fireflygal · 03/06/2021 08:07

How long have you been together? I think it is unusual that you usually text and he hasn't asked how you are. However if this is a relatively newish relationship and this is your first need for support I would decide if it's what he does and you should raise it.
How he reacts to you raising it is important.

rainbowstardrops · 03/06/2021 08:11

If he usually texts you every day then it's a bit off that he didn't check you were ok yesterday evening but maybe he literally was just giving you some space.
Wait and see how he is today.

andivfmakes3 · 03/06/2021 08:17

I hadn’t seen them in a couple of years, I wasn’t massively massively close to them,

Of course YABU.

You sound like one of those grief tourists or whatever they are called?

LemonViolet · 03/06/2021 08:25

How long have you actually been together? It sounds early days if you only text most of the time and you’re still stalking his WhatsApp to see if he’s been online (I mean, lots of us have done it.....but it is a bit of a bonkers thing to do, you know that?). ‘Text every day’ for the last six weeks is a bit of a different precedent to the last six years.

People deal with grief differently and he may not know what to say, especially if he’s perhaps not a naturally social/empathetic person and is only learning basic relationship etiquette in his late 30s.

It sounds a little like you’re trying to create drama, he may not have a natural instinct for emotional support or think it was particularly necessary in this instance.

DoodleLovin · 03/06/2021 08:27

I would be annoyed.
I wouldn’t expect a ‘how was it’ but maybe a ‘thinking of you, here if you need me’ type of message.

I would find it very odd not to hear from the guy I’m dating when he knows I’ve got a hard day ahead.

Sillysandy · 03/06/2021 08:34

@Sadnesshal it's hard to gauge based on this one experience but hopefully it's a case that he respectfully stepped back to give you space after letting you know he's thinking about you.

Sometimes people really don't know the right thing to do in these situations.

I remember going to the funeral of my ex's father who I had known well. My ex had messaged to let me know and sent me the funeral details. We had remained fairly good but sporadic friends. After the service when it was time to go and give condolences I suddenly got into a wild panic that his girlfriend was there and I would be intruding and making things awkward. I tried to run out of the church. My sister had to frogmarch me back up to shake hands and let him know we had turned up.

When my cousin died in tragic circumstances my best friend vanished. Afterwards I asked her why. She said she was giving me space with my family. I would have loved a text message checking in..

Sillysandy · 03/06/2021 08:35

@andivfmakes3

I hadn’t seen them in a couple of years, I wasn’t massively massively close to them,

Of course YABU.

You sound like one of those grief tourists or whatever they are called?

A horrible thing to say.

justawoman · 03/06/2021 08:39

I agree - really nasty, untrue and unnecessary.

mewkins · 03/06/2021 08:40

I suspect he doesn't know what to say so has swerved it. Maybe when you're back on track you could have a conversation with him about it and say that you would prefer a message or phonecall if you've had a difficult day.

Sakurami · 03/06/2021 08:43

I'm so sorry about your friend.

I find it really hard to know what to say when someone has lost someone. Everything sounds crass. Even hope you're ok doesn't sound right.

saraclara · 03/06/2021 08:43

For goodness sake. You haven't texted him either! Why does he have to go first?

He probably thinks he's being sensitive, especially as he said you should take time. He's sitting patiently waiting to hear from you, while you're taking offence because you haven't heard from him.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill, and yes, playing games by not texting him and waiting for him to prove that he cares. He was really kind to you before the funeral, but you're whinging because that's not enough.

DreamingNow · 03/06/2021 08:44

I’m always wondering why people think the best thing to do is to ‘give people space’.
Imo it’s a shitty thing to do. You have no idea of people want to be left alone or on the contrary want some (emotional) support. No one is a mind reader. So how can you ever be sure that someone ‘need some space’??
It’s just a way to avoid emotions and supporting someone when it will make uncomfortable tbh.

You want to give someone space? Ask them first. Like ‘would you have to have a chat or would you refer I leave you alone for the evening?’ Not hard esp through a text. You will even avoid the risk of them starting to cry at the other side of the phone....

ApolloandDaphne · 03/06/2021 08:44

He was maybe on WhatsApp intermittently looking to see if you had sent a message saying how things went. In the absence of any message he has left you alone and given you space as he said he would. Message him now and tell him how it went and how you are feeling. Messages work both ways.

Bufferingkisses · 03/06/2021 08:46

I think this is a bit of a damned if you do situation for him. He clearly acknowledged it and was kind and caring. On the day he didn't bombard you but gave you space. In this case I'd suggest he was waiting for you to indicate you were ready to talk with a "home now, it was a lovely service" type text so he knew. You didn't do that so he continued to give space.

I honestly don't think he's done anything wrong - possibly different than you would have done but not wrong.

If you're feeling rubbish send him a text - just say good morning, tell him you missed him yesterday. It is odds on that his response will make you feel better and you can move past this mismatch in approaches. If you need to, explain at a later date what you would have liked from him so he knows. He's not a mind reader and it sounds like he's trying to get it right.

Sorry about your friend

Milkywayqueen · 03/06/2021 08:53

Yeah its pretty shitty.

My ex was awful if I needed support.

Auntycorruption · 03/06/2021 09:06

I'm going against the grain to say I think this is shitty behaviour.

HE said you should take a few days to yourself. And then went out of contact. To me that's sounds like "I don't want to support you with this, come back to me when you're fine"

I don't think that's the behaviour you want in a long term partnership

Auntycorruption · 03/06/2021 09:07

@DreamingNow

I’m always wondering why people think the best thing to do is to ‘give people space’. Imo it’s a shitty thing to do. You have no idea of people want to be left alone or on the contrary want some (emotional) support. No one is a mind reader. So how can you ever be sure that someone ‘need some space’?? It’s just a way to avoid emotions and supporting someone when it will make uncomfortable tbh.

Agree with this. He has unanimously decided OP needs space because it's the easy option for him.

Original poster

Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 09:08

He didn’t say take a few days to myself @Auntycorruption he said take some time to myself before and after.

It’s not the first time he’s been out of contact for a day here and there. But I didn’t expect it yesterday.

That said, I think there’s maybe something in me wanting the attention. I can get insecure in relationships so feeling like someone isn’t there for me is a big deal. This obviously has opened up that feeling. I don’t want to be dramatic though. I guess just a ‘Hope you’re ok let me know if you want a chat’ would have been more than sufficient. I wouldn’t have taken him up on a chat but I would have felt supported and like he cared had he asked.

OP posts:

Killahangilion · 03/06/2021 09:08

Sorry for your loss OP. I hope you’re feeling ok today?

However, I’m now going to be very straight with you.

Checking he’s been on WhatsApp but not actually texting him to tell him you’re ok and subsequently feeling annoyed that he hasn’t texted you first IS PLAYING GAMES. You want him to guess the correct response otherwise he will be punished?

Writing the same OP on here twice to try to get a different response to support your position, is also playing games.

Not playing games is where you speak directly to your DP and tell him exactly what support you need.

I have mild aspergers and I absolutely hate people playing mind games just because I don’t think the way that they do. I now drop friendships if they turn out to be manipulative with me, like that because it’s their issue, not mine.

Original poster

Sadnesshal · 03/06/2021 09:11

@Killahangilion I don’t see it as playing games but I accept that I could be wrong about that and perhaps I am without recognising it.

It got towards the end of the day and I hadn’t heard from him. By then I just didn’t feel like messaging and when I went on WhatsApp twice last night I had noticed he had been online. I could have messaged him though and I know that. He was working late.

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 03/06/2021 09:19

He was just giving you space. Probably thought oh she will be busy with the funeral I won't bother her.

I think it sounds like you are reacting to the funeral and looking for an outlet for hurt and anger. Loss of a friend at a young age is upsetting. It's OK to just feel rubbish after a funeral. They are very affecting regardless of circumstances.

seensome · 03/06/2021 09:25

Can understand that it would of been nice to have got a goodnight hope you're ok message but perhaps he was just letting you have the space for the day or thinking you'll be with people until late. I do think he should be the one to message today to see how you are so give him the chance? if he doesn't then you know he doesn't care.

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