What does this man from my past want? TW

[PinkMendinilla]

Hi everyone,

I am a regular but have NC. I've just had a message on Instagram and Facebook request, plus an Instagram following from a man I met some 15 years ago in not very happy circumstances for me.

Basically, I was late teens, experienced rape by a couple of different men after leaving a quite oppressive relationship (not horribly abusive or anything, he had MH problems, cheated to one extent or another and threatened suicide related to me wanting to leave).

Following the first rape and the split, plus being quite unhappy when my friendship group went a bit sour, I behaved very promiscuously. I think I was looking for love or some sort of acceptance in completely the wrong way.

Anyway, I got involved with a group of men who, not to put too fine a point on it, passed me around for sex. I am not certain but I think money changed hands (not mine). None of this was non-consensual (except the possibility of payment which I am not sure about) but I didn't ask them to keep bringing more and more friends and didn't instigate any of it. I just felt like the only thing to do was say yes every time.

One of them has just got in touch as above. I am now in my 30s, have experienced other sexual attacks and rape over the years and have had problems finding a lasting relationship even though I would love a family.

What does this man want? Why is he contacting me over a decade later? He was actually quite pleasant took me out once but considerably older and although he seemed nice, was happy to have sex with an (older, not a kid) teenager who was usually inebriated, in front of his friends. This is, to me, not that normal. What if he or his friends find where I live? I don't think they're a threat exactly I just don't ever want to see them again and live alone. I remember one of them said something quite graphic once about making people disappear (not this man).

I have built a life and achieved quite a big thing career/ education wise this last year which finally made me feel like I was going to become a normal, respectable person.

Now I am in tears thinking I am back in that shit place again and nobody is ever going to want me properly.

I have counselling but it isn't until next week now. So sorry for being ridiculous, I am just far too ashamed to share this with anyone in real life.

This breaks my heart. You are NOT back in that shit place!!!!! You have done an amazing job taking yourself from there. You are a HERO!!!!!

I cannot begin to say how sorry I am that this happened to you. It should not have happened. You deserved to be protected and cherished and you weren’t.

There will be posters that can advise better than me. If it were me.... I would contact the police. Tell them everything. At the very least they could visit this fucker and tell him to keep away from you.

Block him on everything. He wasn’t pleasant. He did awful things to you.

Keep on telling yourself - you have gotten yourself away from all that. You are stronger than you realise. These fuckers do not define you. They have NO power over you.

“I have built a life and achieved quite a big thing career/ education wise this last year which finally made me feel like I was going to become a normal, respectable person”

For what it’s worth.... you are more than ‘normal’ and/or ‘respectable’. You are exceptional. You are strong. You overcame massive obstacles and barriers. Use this disgusting man contacting you as an opportunity to see how far you have done in your own steam. You are doing great!!!!!

It doesn't matter what he wants.

What matters is what you want, which hopefully is absolutely nothing to do with him. He's in the past, you've moved on. You don't owe him any response at all.

So block him (and maybe alter your privacy settings so you're not so easy for creeps to find)... you don't have to explain why you're blocking him or say a single thing to him, he doesn't deserve a single second of your time x

What did his message say?

Delete and Block him.

Go through your social media and remove identifying details about your work, location, etc. and lock them down. sm is a haven for predators, con artists, and other whackos.

Please do not engage with him. Block him on everything and lock down all of your social media.

Delete him and block him.
Perhaps he has a family now and is worried about all the men of his ilk that have recently been jailed for historic offences for the same sort of thing.

Thank you beardy I don't feel like much of a hero but feel so much better for your responses.

Also thanks all. Just wasn't sure what to do but blocking sounds like a sensible thing to do. Just hope none of the others get in touch. 2 did, about 7 years ago, and it was so weird. Why did they think I would.still be open to the same things, or that it was normal?

I wasn't underage btw, just a lot younger than them

Hi Pinkmendillia, please please block and remove any identifiers from all your social media as others have suggested. Sounds like you are a super strong woman who has done an amazing job to overcome a very difficult time in your life. Well done!

These people are probably hoping that you are still in a vulnerable space. You are not. They are not your friends and obviously do not have your interests at heart.

Now go and enjoy your life!!! You are amazing.

He could be checking to see if you are still vulnerable or heaven forbid, have kids.

Definately delete and block.

He is a creeper from your past that doesn't belong in your present.

*i mean, have kids he could exploit.

You done fine without him BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK

Right, he's blocked. Thank you all for your replies, you're all lovely and have helped someone who was in a bit of a tailspin following that contact

I'm just worried he or someone else will try again. I suppose I had just hoped they would have forgotten me by now, I don't want them thinking of me and trying to get in touch. But for now he is blocked at least and hopefully that will be it.

This post made me cry thinking of that vulnerable teenage girl being manipulated by those animals. I hope you get the support you need now. You sound absolutely amazing.

Hi OP.

I am glad you are getting counselling.

I too became highly promiscuous in an extreme was following rape, twice in my life. For years I have tried to resolve who I feel I truly am, with who I was during those periods. The things I did and allowed to be done, haunt me.

I have had several yours of counselling and I have read as much as I can around the subject. The promiscuous behaviour is a trauma response to being raped. Coping with the utter destruction of your inner self. You had no control over who penetrated you, so you try to replace those memories by actively consenting to highly risky situations.

I have never spoken of the things I did during these periods. They were do degrading and disgusting, I thought I could never forgive myself.

The thing is, during that trauma period you were extremely vulnerable. Those who used and abused you, including this man, would have seen it from a million miles away. Your vulnerability would have shone like the sun. They exploited that vulnerability for their own sick agenda.

During my time in trauma hell, I did swinging, sex clubs etc with my 'owner' but I refused to engage with anyone else who was obviously vulnerable, which got me in a lot of trouble. You can tell when someone is vulnerable, it's in the eye contact. Us damaged ones would smoke together, but there was an unspoken knowledge that we were safe with each other, amongst predators.

Those men knew. That consent was not true consent. You wouldn't do those things to someone who was suffering like you were. It would revolt you. That guilt you are carrying, it isn't your guilt. You need to give it back to all those people who saw that pain in your eyes, yet chose to abuse you. They are filth and deserve nothing but hatred from you.

I'm so sorry that happened to you chickenyhead every word strikes a chord. I remember being involved in this sort of thing, and they would sometimes call it a 'party' with me as the entertainment presumably. It was the oddest combination of feeling sucked into something I wanted no part of, unworthy of saying 'no', and feeling I had a point to prove, I was the most liberated and invincible.

Yes, exactly, finding yourself in a really dangerous situation, you walked yourself in to, then what? You can either brave it out and pretend it's what you want, because you are wild, or you try to get out of it, likely unsuccessfully and get raped again, or worse.

During the trauma period I was viciously assaulted, but I just switched off and rode it out. It was like I couldn't admit to myself that it wasn't what I wanted, because then I would be a victim again, not a survivor making bold decisions.

People who abuse and use trauma victims know what they are doing. He has some front ever contacting you again. He must think you are still vulnerable. You aren't. He needs to trott on.

What happened to you is horrible. And such a head fuck years later trying to unpick it all.

The promiscuity thing following rape is familiar to me too Pink so don't ever think that's something abnormal or unusual and it's definitely not something to be ashamed of, all the shame belongs to the men who abused and exploited you.

I'm so glad you've blocked, 100% the right thing to do and exactly what you should do if any others pop up. Definitely change your privacy settings too, shout if you need help with how, I can help with FB and no doubt someone else will know about Instagram.

And I agree that you are exceptional, you've overcome more than many people have to in a lifetime and you should be so proud of where you are now. What's happened today changes none of that, it's an unwelcome reminder of everything you've fought to move past but that's all it is now, the past and your future is so much brighter

well done, OP for blocking him.
There is nothing he could say to you except: 'I am so sorry'.
He hasn't said that. He has nothing to offer you except reminders of a painful time in your past that you have moved on from. You are amazing

I’m really sorry if this is insensitive OP, but your thread has made me spitting angry. I ve been in a rage all day about it.

What is wrong with society that this happens to women. What is wrong with these men (the initial rapists and the slightly more ambiguous later rapists) that they do this?!?

As another poster mentioned vulnerability shines like sun.... how can these men do this? How are they raised to think it is an acceptable way to treat another human being?

I have never had this level of violence targeted at me. But I have had situations where I have been the victim and I ve been totally powerless to prevent something bad happened. One or two times these situations have been really horrible (but again nothing in comparison to what has been said on this thread). I ll tell you something that has helped me.

I say to myself... I have a choice. I can allow the way this person has treated me to infect me, to make me brutal myself, to treat others brutally, to become the perpetrator and avoid being the victim ever again. Or I can choose not to.... I can choose to treat people well, respect them. Trust others who deserve my trust. Show love.

Then I say - the person who did this to me had that choice too. They chose brutality. They treat otters badly. They will do this in all aspects of their live. They will spread hate. And that hate will come back to them. Ultimately they will live a hate filled life. That is my revenge. Leaving them to a life filled with brutality and hate as I move on past that brutality and make something for myself that is better than that.

I am coming to the stage in life now where my fathers generation are meeting their makers. I am seeing more and more of the brutal assholes of that generation dying very very lonely deaths. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but there is a little bit of justice there too. Treat people badly all your life, then when it comes to the end when we take account of our lives there is no one there to ease the passing or to pay homage.

Sounds like you were sex trafficked?
They swopped you around between various men, you were inebriated (so unable to give consent) I bet they gave you the substances drink/drugs, possibly money changed hands.

They probably want to make sure you're not going yo report them!

And can you change your name etc a bit on social media? Make it harder to be found.

BeardyButton you're quite right. I have spent so much time blaming myself for the attacks that have affected me, and being angry, but as you say it was the choice of others to do it, even if I was there.

So sorry for everything that has happened to you though, it is admirable that you have found a way to make peace.