What does this man from my past want? TW

[PinkMendinilla]

Hi everyone,

I am a regular but have NC. I've just had a message on Instagram and Facebook request, plus an Instagram following from a man I met some 15 years ago in not very happy circumstances for me.

Basically, I was late teens, experienced rape by a couple of different men after leaving a quite oppressive relationship (not horribly abusive or anything, he had MH problems, cheated to one extent or another and threatened suicide related to me wanting to leave).

Following the first rape and the split, plus being quite unhappy when my friendship group went a bit sour, I behaved very promiscuously. I think I was looking for love or some sort of acceptance in completely the wrong way.

Anyway, I got involved with a group of men who, not to put too fine a point on it, passed me around for sex. I am not certain but I think money changed hands (not mine). None of this was non-consensual (except the possibility of payment which I am not sure about) but I didn't ask them to keep bringing more and more friends and didn't instigate any of it. I just felt like the only thing to do was say yes every time.

One of them has just got in touch as above. I am now in my 30s, have experienced other sexual attacks and rape over the years and have had problems finding a lasting relationship even though I would love a family.

What does this man want? Why is he contacting me over a decade later? He was actually quite pleasant took me out once but considerably older and although he seemed nice, was happy to have sex with an (older, not a kid) teenager who was usually inebriated, in front of his friends. This is, to me, not that normal. What if he or his friends find where I live? I don't think they're a threat exactly I just don't ever want to see them again and live alone. I remember one of them said something quite graphic once about making people disappear (not this man).

I have built a life and achieved quite a big thing career/ education wise this last year which finally made me feel like I was going to become a normal, respectable person.

Now I am in tears thinking I am back in that shit place again and nobody is ever going to want me properly.

I have counselling but it isn't until next week now. So sorry for being ridiculous, I am just far too ashamed to share this with anyone in real life.

You've done the right thing in blocking. Whatever his latest message says, any man who will get together with friends to use a teenager like that is not a good person, and never will be.

The response you had at the time is normal - I did similar in my late teens for the same reason, although thankfully I didn't end up around a group like this. Lots of women can relate to that need to feel like you are in control by consenting to sex, even when that sex isn't healthy and isn't what you want deep down.

If he contacts you again, perhaps just say, "Hi, can you let me know your address?" I doubt you'd see him for dust then.

I really think it would be worth talking to the police about this, though, OP. It's absolutely horrific what happened to you.

Block him and move on. You are not that person anymore. You are a success a survivor and a queen. Do not give him another thought.

Thanks everyone, you are all so, so kind.

Hollowtalk I have wondered about that but to be honest I don't know exact dates, or the full names of all those who raped me. Even some of the ones in this man's circle, I think used false names with me. Tbh i honestly can't see it getting anywhere and it would be a huge, huge step for me

@PinkMendinilla

This guy has messaged from a different account saying he doesn't want any trouble, he just wanted to catch up as he liked me. Now I feel guilty and as though I am being unreasonable.

But what if I block him again and he keeps coming back and gets nasty? As I say, this man never came across mean but he was part of that whole thing so I don't really trust him. Maybe he just wanted to explain himself that he didn't mean any harm and I can just ignore the request? I wish he had just left it.

Sorry to be dramatic, I just thought all that was behind me now

I would worry that he is (obviously) trying to exploit you again. And also find out if you have had children as he wanted to groom you to get to them too

Hi @PinkMendinilla… please don’t respond to this man. We are conditioned by fear to be “nice”. We think that if we’re nice, they will go on their way, but they won’t… it’s like cowering and showing our belly… He expects this. That is why he is telling you that he liked you... He’s buttering you up, and when that doesn’t work, he’ll start with threats and insults. Well, FUCK HIM and his expectations. He gets NOTHING! You are not available to him for anything! No information!!!! He’s fishing for some reason, and whatever that is, it can’t be good.
(*Also a survivor.)

Block him again. What sm is he contacting you on?

Dear god I'm so upset to read your story and the stories of others on this thread. These men are scum. He's not a nice person, he's a horrible human being, I personally like the thought of him sweating after getting a police call but how you want to go forward is entirely up to you and you must do what is best for you. Protect yourself at all costs, I hope therapy helps you. How you managed to rise above this is incredible, I hope you are proud of yourself x

Thank you banjaxed really kind of you. I wish there was some sort of recourse as I just can't imagine getting together with my 30- something and older female friends to give spirits and cocaine to, then all 'have a go on' an 18 year old lad who had just been through a sexual assault (I did mention it to one or two of them, having broken down crying one night). I'm just not sure there would be a case to answer though as I was old enough to consent, plus don't have all the details so am unlikely to go down this route. But the therapy helps a lot, my counsellor was great and assured me my response was normal and I hadn't done anything wrong xx