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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does this man from my past want? TW

59 replies

PinkMendinilla · 02/06/2021 14:41

Hi everyone,

I am a regular but have NC. I've just had a message on Instagram and Facebook request, plus an Instagram following from a man I met some 15 years ago in not very happy circumstances for me.

Basically, I was late teens, experienced rape by a couple of different men after leaving a quite oppressive relationship (not horribly abusive or anything, he had MH problems, cheated to one extent or another and threatened suicide related to me wanting to leave).

Following the first rape and the split, plus being quite unhappy when my friendship group went a bit sour, I behaved very promiscuously. I think I was looking for love or some sort of acceptance in completely the wrong way.

Anyway, I got involved with a group of men who, not to put too fine a point on it, passed me around for sex. I am not certain but I think money changed hands (not mine). None of this was non-consensual (except the possibility of payment which I am not sure about) but I didn't ask them to keep bringing more and more friends and didn't instigate any of it. I just felt like the only thing to do was say yes every time.

One of them has just got in touch as above. I am now in my 30s, have experienced other sexual attacks and rape over the years and have had problems finding a lasting relationship even though I would love a family.

What does this man want? Why is he contacting me over a decade later? He was actually quite pleasant took me out once but considerably older and although he seemed nice, was happy to have sex with an (older, not a kid) teenager who was usually inebriated, in front of his friends. This is, to me, not that normal. What if he or his friends find where I live? I don't think they're a threat exactly I just don't ever want to see them again and live alone. I remember one of them said something quite graphic once about making people disappear (not this man).

I have built a life and achieved quite a big thing career/ education wise this last year which finally made me feel like I was going to become a normal, respectable person.

Now I am in tears thinking I am back in that shit place again and nobody is ever going to want me properly.

I have counselling but it isn't until next week now. So sorry for being ridiculous, I am just far too ashamed to share this with anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 02/06/2021 22:51

@BrilliantBetty

And can you change your name etc a bit on social media? Make it harder to be found.
Glad you blocked and I’d do ^ that too. I wouldn’t quote my workplace on my social media or use a photo of myself as a profile pic either.
Original poster
PinkMendinilla · 02/06/2021 23:51

It's a good idea about making myself harder to find. I will look for a pic that isn't me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMendinilla · 03/06/2021 00:02

And done

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 03/06/2021 00:12

@PinkMendinilla

And done
See, you've got this, you're in control now and none of them can drag you back to that place. I hope you're starting to believe that now, are you feeling any less anxious?
ComeOnPeople · 03/06/2021 00:33

OP. I'm so so sorry about your experiences- it sounds like you've managed to move on with life to some extent even though you've had obstacles come up along the way.
The beauty of social media is being able to find old friends and build relationships with people we once thought we'd lost- HOWEVER what a lot of people forget is- you're behind a screen.
You can and should just - undo any requests by rejecting them, blocking him, deleting him, change your settings so you can't be found or requested by anyone who isn't linked to you already. What ever is there - take charge. They're your accounts and you can accept and reject whom ever you please to.

It's not hard to find people and you may have just had one person in common and he's remembered and requested you. If you don't think this is the case- remember you still have control here and can be 'unseen' by him by looking at your settings as I'm mentioned.

I wish you all the best Thanks

ComeOnPeople · 03/06/2021 00:36

Also- reading more of your comments- I don't think these men necessarily contact because they think they can do what they used to to you ( which BTW is disgusting of them)
Il bet they don't even think about it ( because if they did they'd need to address it!) and I'm guessing non of them wrote you a message addressing what happened or apologising??

As said- block. It's YOUR account and your life, they don't get to step in to it without your permission Wink

Original poster
PinkMendinilla · 04/06/2021 23:54

This guy has messaged from a different account saying he doesn't want any trouble, he just wanted to catch up as he liked me. Now I feel guilty and as though I am being unreasonable.

But what if I block him again and he keeps coming back and gets nasty? As I say, this man never came across mean but he was part of that whole thing so I don't really trust him. Maybe he just wanted to explain himself that he didn't mean any harm and I can just ignore the request? I wish he had just left it.

Sorry to be dramatic, I just thought all that was behind me now

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMendinilla · 04/06/2021 23:55

I checked my security settings so hopefully he can't contact anyone

OP posts:
Curatingchaos · 04/06/2021 23:56

Ignore ignore. If he gets nasty , that’s harassment and you report him to the police.

Aknifewith16blades · 05/06/2021 00:03

You aren't being unreasonable. Block and move on (and maybe give Rape Crisis or similar a call to get some support).

MrMeeseekslookatme · 05/06/2021 00:05

Im sorry for what you went through OP and the impact it still has on your life.

I don't think there is anything behind his messaging you other than he wants sex. While what happened to you was horrible and rightly a big deal, to him and his friends it would just have been sex.

Please do not feel guilty about maintaining your boundaries. Just block the new account. You do not owe anyone an explanation.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/06/2021 00:09

Keep blocking OP. You do not owe this man any response. He is demonstrably not a good or kind person. Just ignore any attempt at contact. Tighten your settings on social media so that only people you are friends with can contact you.

FrenchieFromGrease · 05/06/2021 00:18

@PinkMendinilla

This guy has messaged from a different account saying he doesn't want any trouble, he just wanted to catch up as he liked me. Now I feel guilty and as though I am being unreasonable.

But what if I block him again and he keeps coming back and gets nasty? As I say, this man never came across mean but he was part of that whole thing so I don't really trust him. Maybe he just wanted to explain himself that he didn't mean any harm and I can just ignore the request? I wish he had just left it.

Sorry to be dramatic, I just thought all that was behind me now

He doesn't want any trouble, yet he just created a new account to harass you further when you made it clear you first want to speak to him? He is a pushy scumbag.

To frighten him off I would message back "fuck off you rapey bastard" then block him (but keep screenshots). He, and men like him, should be shitting themselves about how they exploited an innocent young woman. Don't worry about him getting nasty, he has no power now.

My own history is very similar to yours. Twenty years later I finally got therapy and it was so, so helpful. I have no shame any more, all the shame belongs with those monsters. I actually ended up reporting to the police and they couldn't have been more helpful. The police tracked down more women who had been victims and these men were arrested. The trial hasn't happened yet but the whole thing has made me feel like a weight has been lifted. I would definitely advise having lots of therapy before going to the police (if you choose to do that), because I think it's best to dig the bad feelings out in private in a safe space, rather than in an interview room.

You were innocent, they are scum. You have done amazing things with your life. You should be proud. Good luck with your therapy. Flowers

Ruminating2020 · 05/06/2021 00:26

@PinkMendinilla Absolutely ignore his attempts to contact you. He has no right to demand any attention from you and you owe him absolutely nothing.

Catch up for what? He was complicit in your abuse, so he is not a nice person. He is trying to control your perception of him by being friendly and claiming not to want any trouble. Abusers do this to hook you in back into their web of control, and if you give in to a small request, they will trample all over your boundaries. He will be turning up at your door or calling you on the phone next.

Keep his messages in case you need to contact police for harassment, but keep blocking and ignoring his attempts to contact you.

Stay safe.

B1rdflyinghigh · 05/06/2021 01:21

You are well within your rights to keep yourself happy and safe. You do not have to be a people pleaser. It's ok to look after yourself. It's ok to block people who haven't made you happy previously x

Rainbowqueeen · 05/06/2021 05:56

It doesn’t matter what he wants.

You want peace and calm and ti be left alone. Block
If he tries a third time contact the police. That is harrassment

Original poster
PinkMendinilla · 05/06/2021 07:31

Thank you so much everyone, I have hardly slept but you're right, I owe him nothing. It's just the whole female conditioning creeping in, I suppose, thinking 'he didn't really do anything I didn't consent to and hasn't been horrible (although he was involved in stuff I would never see as normal or a good way to treat someone), therefore I owe him politeness and an explanation'. Which I know is nonsense.

I will work up to blocking again. Sorry everyone for making a big deal of this, it has just brought out my anxiety a treat.

Frenchie I am so sorry you have experienced similar and think you are an absolute warrior for reporting it now. It can't be easy, waiting for the process to go through. The therapy is helping, thanks, and I'm glad it helped you, a lot of challenging my own unhelpful thinking. I'm really hoping you get justice like you deserve Flowers

OP posts:
category12 · 05/06/2021 07:58

Love, that he used another account to contact you after you blocked him shows he still doesn't care about boundaries and is all about what he wants.

He isn't trying to be nice. If he was, he would take a no (a block) gracefully and leave it there.

Pursuing contact after a rejection means he gives no fucks about what you want or what's best for you.

He is not taking a no as an answer. 🚩 🚩🚩

Block him again.

Original poster
PinkMendinilla · 05/06/2021 08:03

Blocked again, this makes me so nervous for some reason, as though I've done something combative.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/06/2021 08:14

It's asserting a boundary, it's not combative, honestly.

You're allowed to have boundaries. You're not obliged to be open to or friendly to someone who exploited you.

Well done on blocking him again. Flowers

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 05/06/2021 11:47

You are enormously strong, OP.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Ignore this awful man. And don't be tempted into thinking he 'wasn't that bad'. No one decent has group sex with a clearly vulnerable person, let alone in front of their mates.

He's a scumbag and could even be contacting you to assuage his own guilt.
Tough shit, he's the perpetrator, you're the victim in this. You owe him no absolution.

Original poster
PinkMendinilla · 05/06/2021 13:12

Thank you so much. I can't express how much of a help this thread is

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 05/06/2021 13:19

Never engage. Whatever you say is an ‘in’ for a predator. Block every attempt at contact and they will eventually move on.

Honeyroar · 05/06/2021 14:51

Well done on being so strong and getting yourself out of the nightmare you were in. You owe the guy nothing, not a single word. Keep blocking and do not let him occupy a bit of your headspace. You are worth a million of these scummy men.

RedBonnet · 05/06/2021 16:55

If he keeps contacting you I would close all social media accounts that he is accessing and either get new ones with a different name or change the name slightly of the one you've got (if you want to keep it). Just leave it a few months for him to get bored and move on. Don't respond to him at all, ever. If he persists he is stalking you and the police can warn him off. You have grown strong and moved on. Never look back! X