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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another reluctant ‘groom’

65 replies

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:17

Hi all,

Been with my partner for a long time, have children, he owns the house but I work full time. For a long time I didn’t think about marriage as was busy working and raising my children, so I was otherwise occupied! Then a few years ago I started thinking about our future and how we are not related so cannot make decisions for each other etc. I brought this up to DP and he said something along the lines of ‘I’ll do things at my own pace’.

We had a pretty rocky patch after that as I felt he had had enough time to know what he wanted but things improved and he made noises about marriage being a possibility. Today things have come to a head and I have told him our relationship is over as he had been deceitful - he has no intention of proposing but hasn’t had the decency to let me know!

I completely understand that some people don’t want marriage and that’s fine. What isn’t fine is not being honest and upfront about it.

I’m heartbroken and angry in equal measure as if I’d been told the truth from the outset I could have made a decision as to whether to stay or go. It baffles me how you can claim to love a person but intentionally hurt them.

I know these threads are ten a penny but just wanted some advice, even if it’s to tell me how stupid I have been!

OP posts:

Palavah · 01/06/2021 23:34

Had you ever discussed marriage before? Or told him that's what you wanted?

Bells3032 · 01/06/2021 23:38

So you never discussed it before having kids and building your lives together and now have made it a red line. You should have discussed this earlier if it was so important to you.

But you can't change the past. You need to ask why has this suddenly started being an issue for you? You need to sit down and discuss with him what it is you want - ie is the big party important or a quicky a town Hall ok. You need to ask him why he's so resistant to it and you need to set out. The genuine reasons why it's important to you now. Communication is key in any relationship and honestly doesn't sound like there's been much here.

Original poster

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:40

@Palavah yes, he’s very much aware of what I want but won’t commit. He says I haven’t given him time to surprise me ( only two decades 🤣) and what can I expect him to do during a pandemic?

It’s not so much the reluctance to marry it’s the refusal to be honest about it. The excuses are insulting and I deserve better than that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:42

Hi bells! No, it wasn’t discussed until 8 years ago as it wasn’t an issue then, I was young and preoccupied. I get what you have said but he has had those last 8 years to decide what he wants - all I asked was that he was honest about his intentions and he wasn’t. That’s the bit that I find unforgivable tbh.

OP posts:

SummerWhisper · 01/06/2021 23:43

If you would have been happy with a no-frills proposal and he knows this, then he has no excuse and he is telling you plain and simple that he won't commit. Is the relationship salvageable from this point?

ineedaholidaynow · 01/06/2021 23:43

Will you cope financially?

Original poster

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:45

And you are right abut the communication issue, he is very difficult to talk to. He said it was never an issue for him as he was perfectly happy but now he knows it makes me insecure he should be willing to be upfront and honest.

As for a wedding, I have no interest in that. I would prefer a quick trip to a registry office. I’m not even interested in a ring - it’s the marriage I want.

OP posts:

SummerWhisper · 01/06/2021 23:45

Why aren't you even on the mortgage? Is he a tight arse who wants free child care whilst he builds up his own future?

DeepThinkingGirl · 01/06/2021 23:45

8 years !! That’s a long time for him to make up his mind !

loves2plan · 01/06/2021 23:47

I don’t understand men like this, surely having a child with someone is a bigger commitment than marriage? IMO anyway
It’s horrible when you love someone who doesn’t know whether they want to commit - I’ve been there and left. I suppose you’ve gotta weigh up how much it matters to you and definitely consider the financial impact both ways (especially if you don’t joint own your house).

Original poster

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:48

@SummerWhisper yes I think so except he hasn’t actually said that which is the most frustrating thing! He tries to shut down any attempt to discuss the matter as he is happy as we are.

Yes, financially I will be ok as I work full time and I’m not sure if it is salvageable as he seems indifferent to my feelings.

I would actually resent a surprise proposal at this stage as it is so unnecessary.

OP posts:

Original poster

Unlovedandinsecure · 01/06/2021 23:51

@loves2plan that’s what I’ve spent a long time doing. We get on fine and would continue to do so if it weren’t for me wanting commitment. I’ve had to decide whether this is something I can look past and I don’t think I can.

It’s been 8 yrs since I mentioned getting married, we’ve been together a lot longer.

OP posts:

loves2plan · 01/06/2021 23:56

Op, sounds to me like you’ve made your mind up and if this man isn’t meeting your needs then you don’t need him. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you

Onthedunes · 02/06/2021 00:44

So you have realised this man is not making you feel safe, yes marriage is protection and insurance against someone just discarding you from their life without any financial recompence.

You have worked full time contributing to house and home and have nothing to show for it, you are not on the mortgage and yes I would not be happy with this situation.

You must make a new life unless he either marries you or puts your name on the house.

What a selfish man.

ZenNudist · 02/06/2021 00:53

I'm not going to tell you how stupid youve been. On the contrary I think you should be congratulated for coming to this realisation now. If he won't commit he is fundamentally lacking in decency. He doesnt care enough to marry you. He has feathered his nest and will see you out in the cold. You poor poor thing. When you break up try and guilt him into doing the right thing to support you and dc. Is there any hope of getting some share if equity as you've been paying his mortgage all these years? I think I'd be adding up what you've put into his house and expecting him to remortgage to give you a fair share of what you put in. Even if you dont get equity growth.

Your life will be better without him. Don't worry.

pheonixrebirth · 02/06/2021 01:33

As harsh as it sounds, you gave the milk away for free, and just in case you are wondering, I did the exact same.
Quite frankly if he doesn't marry you now, you can believe me that he is simply another calculating bastard of a man.
You have given him everything of yourself, but he won't marry you or put your name on the house. In other terms you are fucked because whatever you have contributed financially towards the mortgage and bills means nothing. I speak from experience-20 years of a life together and I quite literally walked away with nothing. I am so so sorry that you are in this position.
Financial security is absolutely fine for a man but for a woman, that makes you a gold digger, and that is what men play on these days! Do not let him shame you on this point. Embrace the reality of life and what it means and tell him you want a committed and financially secure future for
BOTH of you! If he doesn't see or want to see your point of view then you know he is morally bankrupt. He's out for himself and not you together as a team.
On a personal note, my ex was a millionaire, owned multiple properties but when push came to shove he was a complete narcissist. I didn't tow the line and was left with nothing. He could of easily done the right thing but in his words
"I've got to think about me"!
I so wish I'd had that mentality all of those years😂😂😂

Aquamarine1029 · 02/06/2021 01:38

Why would he marry you? He's got everything he wants with no real commitment. He can walk away and/or kick you out anytime he pleases, with no financial risk. It seems you were fine with that for a very long time, you even chose to have children unmarried, so I don't see how he's really at fault here. Just to add, I would feel exactly as you do, but I think you need to be realistic about what he's willing to offer. Marriage isn't it.

Opentooffers · 02/06/2021 02:29

I hope you haven't been paying his mortgage and he has contributed to your DC costs 50/50 as that would be only fair, if not on the mortgage, you should not have had to pay a penny towards it.
Hopefully you've saved enough of your wages over the years to have a deposit for your own house, as that would make you seem less naiive.
Better to cut your losses and carve out your own life with the DC, delaying further just means your possible mortgage length is shorter, so the cost is higher. He will still have to stump up for CSA so you'd be better off in the long run maybe.

MadMadMadamMim · 02/06/2021 02:36

Congratulations on deciding on your own worth and having the courage to realise that a man who keeps you dangling for this long whilst being reluctant to marry is not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 02/06/2021 03:51

Why aren't you on the mortgage? If I had children with someone I'd insist on that.

SunbeamsAndMoonbeams · 02/06/2021 05:04

@loves2plan

I don’t understand men like this, surely having a child with someone is a bigger commitment than marriage? IMO anyway It’s horrible when you love someone who doesn’t know whether they want to commit - I’ve been there and left. I suppose you’ve gotta weigh up how much it matters to you and definitely consider the financial impact both ways (especially if you don’t joint own your house).

It's easier for them to walk away from a child than itnis a marriage. That's all.

SummerWhisper · 02/06/2021 05:57

If you stay, you have to be on the mortgage and if he doesn't agree to that, then it really is about his 100% financial security, which he won't give up, because he sees it as his. If you leave, make sure he is a 50-50 parent. Does he have a will in which the children are provided for? I would be surprised if you are in it. See him for who he is.

HollowTalk · 02/06/2021 06:17

Have you been contributing to the mortgage?

Notcrackersyet · 02/06/2021 06:41

Is there any reason why you didn’t bring this to a head a little sooner by simply proposing to him?

Ifimight · 02/06/2021 06:46

If you've sat back and waited for 20 years without ever getting on with it and arranging a wedding then why would he think you were that serious about it?

I think the moments passed for emotional proposals. If you want to get married get it done. If he doesn't want to get married, this conversation should have been pushed years ago.

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