Another reluctant ‘groom’

[Unlovedandinsecure]

Hi all,

Been with my partner for a long time, have children, he owns the house but I work full time. For a long time I didn’t think about marriage as was busy working and raising my children, so I was otherwise occupied! Then a few years ago I started thinking about our future and how we are not related so cannot make decisions for each other etc. I brought this up to DP and he said something along the lines of ‘I’ll do things at my own pace’.

We had a pretty rocky patch after that as I felt he had had enough time to know what he wanted but things improved and he made noises about marriage being a possibility. Today things have come to a head and I have told him our relationship is over as he had been deceitful - he has no intention of proposing but hasn’t had the decency to let me know!

I completely understand that some people don’t want marriage and that’s fine. What isn’t fine is not being honest and upfront about it.

I’m heartbroken and angry in equal measure as if I’d been told the truth from the outset I could have made a decision as to whether to stay or go. It baffles me how you can claim to love a person but intentionally hurt them.

I know these threads are ten a penny but just wanted some advice, even if it’s to tell me how stupid I have been!

The only way to get these type of men to marry is to not give everything to them without any commitment from them.

It's not to late, give him an ultimatum and then if he still don't marry you, then leave.

If he dies/kicks you out you have nothing at the moment.

I wouldn't want to give lifelong service and companionship/children to someone who wouldn't offer me protection when I needed it most.

And yes, these thread come up everyday on here.
There's a whole generation of women that have no marriage protection.
Hopefully threads like these will help the next generation, even if you don't get married before children, then at least carry on working and split the childcare 50/59

50/50 obviously!

No, no will/POA but he did ask me if I wanted him to sort that.

This really is tricky, isn't it?

On the face of it, there would be no harm in having these sorted however I'm a bit puzzled that it is something that seems to be for him to sort rather than for you to do together.

Is it possible that you do a quite traditional split of responsibilities where 'financial and property things' are treated as his responsibility and welfare type things as yours?

I would encourage you to start with a serious effort to inform yourself of how the laws work in this area, especially in your situation. Not necessarily starting by talking to a solicitor, rather reading around the subject so you understand the important questions. For example, if his total wealth is above the threshold, how much of his wealth would be lost to inheritance tax?

It would be good to make sure your children understand these things too. Where do they stand on his keeping all the family assets for himself ?

He can may not care about that or it might offer you a way in. You should really both have wills and POA anyway, so that might be a good place to start. His approach to those would for me clarify whether he really is just absolutely mean or someone who has like you sleep walked into this situation and doesn't want to admit he has been wrong by getting married after all.

Meanwhile , start thinking about and planning for a life without him or any of his assets.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I've been through educating myself about finance and also looked after my parent's in their old age so may be able to help you get started and would be happy to do so, point you towards good and reliable sources. All the best.

If there is no will and they are not married, OP would not get anything if he dies intestate

The balance is always in the mens favour. Its women who give birth and do become the default care giver. Unless your a woman that's prepared to go back to work immediately after the birth your going to be put on the back foot straight away.

You can tell your daughters till you are blue in the face not to give up work or drop down to part time but new mothers instinctively want to be with their new babies. Tiredness kicks in, childcare racks up, the majority of the house work gets left to women at home with their children and all too often going back to work seems impossible.

This is why marriage IS important.

For me, I've always drummed in do not have children before marriage as you will get financially screwed over regardless if your boyfriends 'lovely'.

And I agree, I do think we have gone backwards in the protection of women its been happening for years.

Whenever I read a thread about a young couple buying a property but it’s all going to be in the man’s name because of the woman’s bad credit blah blah I feel like screaming.

He's ignoring you because that's his only option now, he knows that if you were to have a proper upfront honest conversation he will come out of it looking like the bad man that he is so he's just throwing all his toys out the plan and refusing to co-operate.
This is not a man who is able to be in a partnership, he is not able to co-operate or compromise, it's his way or no way, he gets what he wants by tricking people into going along with him not by being upfront and honest and working to find a compromise and common ground.
You need to find a way to kick him to the curb which doesn't damage you too much.

He didn’t / doesn’t want to marry you, most likely because he wants to retain ‘his’ assets in the event of breaking up. It’s good that you’ve continued to work FT but sounds like you didn’t prioritise your / the DCs’ financial security, so whatever you decide about the relationship, suggest doing so now.

The balance is always in the mens favour

I disagree. It’s a choice to marry, to buy a house, to have children, no not work or just do a few hours etc. No one has to do any of those things but if they do then they are adults no understand the implications of their actions.

Marriage was important to me but not because of assets but because of the commitment and vows we made. We both contribute equally and hopefully our DC will have similar equal relationship having seen it modelled.

Thanks to you all for your kind words and advice. I’m going to read through them properly later and see if I can find a way forward.

“The balance is always in the mens favour“

Nope, it’s not. I have chosen and now HAVE to continue to choose to not marry. It would be financial suicide for me to marry. I own property have a great pension and stocks and shares. My company pays well and there are a high proportion of women who are paid well. They have been stung mercilessly when they married and then the man divorced them. They now can’t retire when they wanted to and have to work on...we are in our mid to late 50s. The reason I was savvy to not let a marital contract threaten my long term financial stability is down to my wonderful mother. I was born in the 60s and she instilled in me that I must be financially independent from any man and marriage can cause problems. I really hope OP can try and find a way out of this. I think the OP already knows that it might have been a good idea to get married before houses, children and a long life together. I wish my lovely late mum could have advised you a long time ago on how to protect yourself financially. Otherwise women can get screwed over as I have sadly read on so many other postings about this. Yes, on occasions the balance is in the mans favour as with the OPs.....but we, as women, have a choice to let that happen or not.

@litterbird

“The balance is always in the mens favour“

Nope, it’s not. I have chosen and now HAVE to continue to choose to not marry. It would be financial suicide for me to marry. I own property have a great pension and stocks and shares. My company pays well and there are a high proportion of women who are paid well. They have been stung mercilessly when they married and then the man divorced them. They now can’t retire when they wanted to and have to work on...we are in our mid to late 50s. The reason I was savvy to not let a marital contract threaten my long term financial stability is down to my wonderful mother. I was born in the 60s and she instilled in me that I must be financially independent from any man and marriage can cause problems. I really hope OP can try and find a way out of this. I think the OP already knows that it might have been a good idea to get married before houses, children and a long life together. I wish my lovely late mum could have advised you a long time ago on how to protect yourself financially. Otherwise women can get screwed over as I have sadly read on so many other postings about this. Yes, on occasions the balance is in the mans favour as with the OPs.....but we, as women, have a choice to let that happen or not.

I take it you had fantastic childcare then!

@litterbird

Some couples have absolutely zero wealth when they first meet and then build up wealth together.
Op has worked and she should have had this conversation years ago but some ladies are trusting where love is concerned.

Everyone has different circumstances but that doesn't help op now.
Unless op has wealthy parents who will leave property and her partner will have no access to it, otherwise she needs stability for herself and the children.

Why not get somewhere to live that’s your own, and live your life? Begging this utterly uninterested bloke to even speak to you is no way to live, come on.