No sex, don’t want sex, is ending the marriage inevitable?

[Garfieldcake]

I don’t want to have sex with DH. I’m sure he knows it. Well he does know it, he says there are ‘more important things.’
We are 4 years and counting since we last had sex. I don’t even like kissing him. I find it difficult because we function in every other way, we don’t argue, I suspect there’s few people I could live with. The dc are settled and happy. We are ok.
And yet something is lacking - I don’t fancy him and years of him opting out with the dc and the house has made me resentful I suppose. I don’t feel seen or cared for or respected a lot of the time. I’ve spoken to him and he is trying but I feel as though it’s too late. Years of neglect, to a degree on both sides, means the rot has truly set in. He has quite a dominating personality which I find hard and I’ve never been in an doubt as to who has the power in our relationship in terms of money and decisions. Everything with the dc and the house has always been left to me and in 20 years he’s never cooked a meal or put the washing machine on and at times I’ve felt as though he speaks to me like an employee. The subtle signs that I am second to him have worn me down.
But the dc are happy.
Where do I go from here?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. I doubt very much that you will feel at all better about your marriage when the restrictions lift.
What you're describing here is a controlling abusive marriage whereby he works and you do everything else pertaining to the house and children because he sees that as your job. He does not give a fig about your feelings yet you still consider him and put him first. Why is that, perhaps that is from what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

re your comment:-
"I think it probably looks ok to them though, although ds sometimes comments things about my being allowed or not allowed to do things. I said I’d like to go to a concert when things opened up and he said dad won’t let you. He would let me I think, but it probably would have to be a negotiation."

Your children are not as happy as you would like to believe they are, you've been putting a gloss on it. They pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken and your children are noticing far more than you or he care to realise.

Apologies as I've skim read the thread and you may have mentioned it, but surprised he's "treating " you to family meals out and holidays. These should be joint decisions from the joint family pot.

There's lots of different ways to organise finances in couples but bottom line if he keeps the money and makes all the decisions then that's pretty abusive financially.

If he genuinely wants things to change ask him to rearrange the finance so you too can book and organise trips and meals. Unfortunately his answer is likely to be conclusive proof that living together is not in your best interests.

I would want to be teaching my kids better lessons about relationships because what they are seeing currently is no legacy to leave them.

Women are not and should not act as rebab centres for badly raised men so its not your job to fix this from him. This is who he is and its highly probable too that this is learnt behaviour from one of his parents.

How old are your children and why are you subjecting them to this. Your DS doesnt like him and is seeing that he isnt allowing you to do stuff and as you go on you paint a far from happy home life for them.

If they are a certain age their view will be taken into account and I suspect 50/50 wont be it

You also think he will want them 50/50; he has not stated that he does. My guess is that he will not want them for 50% of the time in any event and if he did this would be used by him as a threat or "punishment" against you. He really does not care for his children either if they are seeing you as their mother being controlled as you are. They see you being restricted and they probably also wonder why you're still with him.

Staying for the sake of the children is not a good idea here and in your case a particularly bad one. They will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them.

If counselling is to be at all considered here go on your own. Joint counselling with him is a non starter because of his controlling nature towards you. My guess too is that he is all sweet and light to those in the outside world; to the abuser the image is all important and you merely facilitate his nice family man image.

You don't fancy your DH and you don't even like him by the sounds of things. If you think counselling would help, give it a go. But do you even what to? If the answer is no, you need to split up.

Kids need happy parents. Mine have sad to me that they're glad that we split up....and we never argued in front of them. Kids are resilient...but you need to be 100% sure that it's the end for you and your DH.

I was in a similar marriage to yours OP except I tried to keep it going for far too long until it descended into physical violence and intimidation towards me and my eldest daughter as she became an awkward pre-teen.

I can tell you I felt nothing but relief when I ended it.

He never wanted more contact than EOW and a weekday evening as he couldn't be bothered with school runs and activities. He took them to his parents for a week in the summer.

Financially he paid the minimum child support he could get away with and nothing more but I was able to work and see friends freely which wasn't allowed before and I was in control of the finances so I felt better off.

The children were fine. They actually saw him more after the split because he couldn't leave it all to me. Until they grew up and saw him for what he is- lazy, entitled, mysogynistic (they're all girls) and manipulative. Now they keep him at arm's length.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

it made me see how little he valued my job
Your job is a threat to his dominance and he needs to keep the upper hand because he cannot tolerate not having everything his way.
Of course he takes every opportunity to undermine your job and your earning power

@Garfieldcake I have spent some time reading this whole thread, and we are so very similar. (I'm sure I've seen other posts from you before as well.) My DH knows I'm unhappy too, and has done since I told him back in Nov 19 when I suggested counselling. Since then things have just rumbled on, and like you, I am sacrificing my life for him to keep a hold of his family-man lifestyle. There is the massive issue of 10 years without sex, but as others have said in this thread, this is not so much the big problem as the big symptom of all the issues combined. I'll never have sex with him again in a million years, I've told him so, but he dismisses it as 'not important.' Also he says I'm selfish if I put that above keeping the family together. Fast forward to a more recent discussion, I told him again how unhappy I am and he said "I don't care if you're not happy!" He asked if I had a good life, and I said that yes I do have a decent job, nice house, wonderful kids, but there is something massive missing from it all. He just doesn't seem to get it. In the meantime, I try to just avoid him on evenings and weekends, and do as much as possible with the kids. Like your DH, he thinks he's some kind of hero because he works (I earn more than him!) and does the washing up. Everything else is me. I fit my work around the school runs, take on all the mental load, stay up til late every night getting things done whereas he will just go to bed when he's tired. My kids kind of expect me to be the one to go to as a parent, they never ask him for anything or to do anything. In fact I feel my eldest is getting uncomfortable with his dad to the point where he also avoids him. I watched him walk into the conservatory the other night to go out to the garden, and when he realised his dad was there he suddenly turned round and came back in. And it's easier just to get on with it than try and explain every little detail of what needs doing, or 'invite' him to play out in the garden with us. So yes, I am very resentful too. I could go on but you know it all from your own life. Both me and you need to make a decision or we will end up wasting our lives away. I have to admit here that someone else came into my life, was everything DH isn't, and gave me everything DH doesn't, but clearly that was wrong of me. It was the kick I needed to open my eyes to the fact i was so very unhappy in a dead marriage, but I couldn't make a decision and he's now gone to make a real life of his own with someone else. I kick myself every day. Please live your life, it's the only one you get x

@19Bears oh what a tragedy you’re living. I wonder if you’re children will thank you? If I knew my mother had lived through my childhood suffering like you, I would be utterly furious with her. Why are you staying? WHY? It’s not as though he’s a wonderful father. You’re not sacrificing your marriage on the altar of sexual feelings, all you’re asking for is a decent PARTNER, a proper husband and a decent father. A kind man, who cares if you’re unhappy. Why are you letting him call the shots? Why model this ghastly relationship to your children so that this is their normal? I feel heart sorry for you living in this and hope you can change your life for the better. As you know, it won’t be with him cos he’s alright Jack. Selfish to the core, but - you enable it.

OP,

You are in an abusive marriage and hour children know it.

You are in cloud cookoo land thinking you are not, but your children know EXACTLY the type of relationship you have.

Controlling.
Dominated.
Financially abused.

This is a shit show of a marriage.

No wonder you don't want him near you.

This is an awful environment for your children.

Thank goodness you work outside the home.

Please contact Women's Aid.
Please see a SHL, (shit hot lawyer)preferably recommended.

This is not the life you want.

He has done nothing with or for his children.
He won't want them 50/50, especially as they will not want to be with him so much.

Better they have even 50% time away from his abuse of you.

He is NOT a good man.

Please know this.

You deserve better.

50:50 with a man like this would be awful for the children. I'm horrified at the number of times I hear it suggested. I'm pretty certain a lot of deadbeat dads like this only insist on 50:50 for financial reasons.