No sex, don’t want sex, is ending the marriage inevitable?

[Garfieldcake]

I don’t want to have sex with DH. I’m sure he knows it. Well he does know it, he says there are ‘more important things.’
We are 4 years and counting since we last had sex. I don’t even like kissing him. I find it difficult because we function in every other way, we don’t argue, I suspect there’s few people I could live with. The dc are settled and happy. We are ok.
And yet something is lacking - I don’t fancy him and years of him opting out with the dc and the house has made me resentful I suppose. I don’t feel seen or cared for or respected a lot of the time. I’ve spoken to him and he is trying but I feel as though it’s too late. Years of neglect, to a degree on both sides, means the rot has truly set in. He has quite a dominating personality which I find hard and I’ve never been in an doubt as to who has the power in our relationship in terms of money and decisions. Everything with the dc and the house has always been left to me and in 20 years he’s never cooked a meal or put the washing machine on and at times I’ve felt as though he speaks to me like an employee. The subtle signs that I am second to him have worn me down.
But the dc are happy.
Where do I go from here?

Your situation sounds very much like mine did and other replies make it sound as if it's not uncommon. Your last post - I could have written that word for word. The main difference in my situation was that the children were older and basically don't much like their dad.

There's a book I saw recommended on here called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mila Kirschenbaum which helped me decide that not only was I unhappily married, but I couldn't see much realistic prospect of that ever changing. Could you see things ever changing? I think if my dh had realised earlier just how unhappy I was, he might have tried harder. I don't think that would have been enough because, ultimately, we were not compatible - but for some couples that would not be the case.

In brief, I would suggest trying to read through the book because it does give you things to think about and help assess whether you have a relationship worth saving. I think divorce was right for me - but just because it's right for me and other people doesn't mean it's right for you. We all have our own unique personalities, characters, histories, experiences, wants, needs and potentials.

Good luck with whatever you decide - but try to decide something, rather than drift on getting older and watching your life pass you by.

He will want them 50/50. He loves them even if he doesn’t do much practically for them. Also he wouldn’t have to pay anything for them? And it would upset me. All of those factors combined mean he could go for 50/50.

I get this totally. I was the breadwinner yet my exH treated me like the scullery maid. I didn't see why I should have sex with him. It was a relief when we divorced after he went off with someone else.

When I reached that point in my marriage I thought about whether I wanted to grow old with DH and what our lives would be like. I quickly realised that I would be forever looking after a man child who relied on me to do not only all the thinking but all the doing as well.

He would cook but I’d need to tell him what to make, he’d never make a decision in case it was the wrong one, it was exhausting.

I left about 2 years ago and it’s been bloody hard and very lonely at times over the last year but I’m only responsible for myself which is great.

DS was 17 when we split and he’s coped absolutely fine.

How did everyone’s DH take it?
I don’t want to make him unhappy. I am so used to only considering everyone else that I struggle with what I might like.

My stbxh was and still is absolutely gutted. I guess he was perfectly happy as things were (would have liked more sex). I think I was a really good wife to him. It's not nice to have caused such devastation in someone's life.

But then, I think back to how I felt. Ignored and overlooked all the time. Treated like a servant. Wishes and preferences constantly ignored. No money whilst he was free to spend thousands on his hobbies (cycling, flash cars) and designer clothing. I could literally fit my entire wardrobe in a single plastic box when we moved home (about the size of a paper recycling container). I was unhappy for years and he didn't care at all.

If you can somehow find happiness with your dh, then great, go for it. But you have just as much right to happiness as he does - don't sacrifice your life for his.

I am tired of him having enough money to just do whatever he wants without having to even mention it, whereas the same isn’t true for me. I am tired of endless sport on the tv where I get to watch nothing I might like. I am tired of constantly fitting in with what he wants.

Also he wouldn’t have to pay anything for them? And it would upset me.

This makes him sound financially abusive. He’d go for 50-50 in order to upset you? And not pay for his children?

What is your set-up with paid work and domestic stuff? Do you work outside the home?

ds sometimes comments things about my being allowed or not allowed to do things. I said I’d like to go to a concert when things opened up and he said dad won’t let you.

They’re noticing. Their father is their role model- your DS is learning that women do what their male partners decide, or if they don’t it comes with struggle and ‘persuading’. That’s not OK. You have as much right to money and leisure times and opportunities as your husband. If not, why not? Why can he dictate - get him to articulate it out loud. Is it because you don’t earn as much? (But what about your service to the family allowing him to earn unimpeded by domestic life?) Or is it because he’s the boss of you? (Why?) Or is it because it would be inconvenient for him somehow? (So what?)

Equal access to disposable income and leisure time and the decision-making power on how to spend both time and money. If not, why not?

Yes my DH knows I’ve been unhappy for years. I’ve told him and anyway, I feel he couldn’t fail to notice tbh. I don’t want to devastate him. I know my happiness matters too but would I be happy if I hurt him in that way?
Maybe I’m just having some sort of midlife crisis though, and I will regret leaving him. He’s familiar and this life is all I know.

Why doesn't it matter that he knows you're unhappy? Surely one act of devastating him is no worse than his devastating you little by little making you live an unhappy life.

@Garfieldcake

How did everyone’s DH take it? I don’t want to make him unhappy. I am so used to only considering everyone else that I struggle with what I might like.

But again - why are your needs lesser? Are you not worth making happy?

He’s not going to take it well. The children won’t either. Because there’s no downside in their lives to the way things run - children or husband. You make their lives comfortable and predictable.

You can still do that for your children outside of a marriage that is draining you.

In an ideal world you’d tell your husband you’re at the point where you’re considering divorce unless there’s real change. You’d go to counselling together, do some hard work and have some hard conversations and discover some upsetting truths and then come out the other side of it stronger and in love.

But there are some men who won’t accept even the idea that counselling might help. And then what? Put up or shut up.

@Garfieldcake

I think it probably looks ok to them though, although ds sometimes comments things about my being allowed or not allowed to do things. I said I’d like to go to a concert when things opened up and he said dad won’t let you. He would let me I think, but it probably would have to be a negotiation.

This would be a deciding point for me Your kids are learning that he is the boss of you. What message is that teaching them for future relationships? What must that do for their respect for you both as they grow up?

Bit also it shifts the balance from meh we're ok, he can be a bit bossy but we're both ok to he'd controlling, I can't live my own life but he can.

I'd start looking at what you'd need to have in place to leave. You don't need to leave yet, bit at least understand what you need in place to keep things stable

I’ve worked the last couple of years, four days a week. This has made my financial situation significantly easier. When I was a SAHM I struggled hard.
It’s more that he has a lot more freedom - not just financially but in the way that the children are always my responsibility. Since I went back to work he’s not taken them to school or fetched them once. It’s half term and I have sorted out all the childcare and worked my hours around it as best I can.
However I sadly think this is typical in most relationships.
I don’t earn anywhere near as much as him.

I do remember back when I had a term time job and there was one of his friend’s weddings he wanted me to go to - I was worried about getting the time off as I only had school holidays and he told me I had to call in sick. I said no, I’d sooner explain the situation and try and take the day unpaid. I remember him saying, yes but if they say no then you won’t be able to go and I’ll never forgive you. Just call in sick.
I was a teacher at the time and refused. Thankfully I was given the day off unpaid but it made me see how little he valued my job. That he was happy for me to take the risk of being dishonest. It also caused me a whole lot of anxiety as I was worried they’d say no and then he’d be angry. I said I could drive up after school and attend the evening but he wanted me there in the day. I don’t know why, he barely spoke to me that day. Was off with his mates.

The more you write the more miserable it sounds tbh.

It's not typical of most relationships.

Sorry OP. I don't want to be harsh. It sounds awful for you & I have no idea what I'd do in your situation - but you are selling yourself short saying this is typical. It isn't: and doesn't have to be this way for you.

Even if we were still having sex I would be divorcing him, he sounds awful. The thought of my children growing up with this as their example of what a relationship should be would horrify me.

@Corroboree

You are exactly where I am, and I empathise completely. My situation is complicated by children who have had enormous meltdowns and full on wailing about us not getting divorced (she has autism TBF) but it makes separating v difficult.

Me too, same place OP, same resentments and let down. DH is checked out and thinks working is a big enough contribution. The resentment and arguments have resulted in me having zero desire for sex. I did push through for a while, having sex you don't want is really damaging.

@Corroboree seperating is complicated because of DC with SEN for us too. Eldest has horrible seperation anxiety and doesn't trust DH. All 3 kids are Autistic and DH doesn't cope well with that. I'm the slowly crumbling glue holding it all together. I know I can't go on doing this indefinitely, it's damaging me too much.

He sounds like someone I’d not want to have sex with either.

Controlling (financially and emotionally), doesn’t share the domestic or childcare burden in any way, sulks if he can’t get his own way...

Why do you want to prioritise making him happy over making yourself happy?

Yeah my DH has always considered working to be his contribution to family life and THAT’S IT basically.
My oldest doesn’t like his dad much - he says things sometimes about him and I have to remain very neutral. Dd likes the nuclear family but I’m not sure how bothered she is about her dad exactly. It’s hard to say, he’s her dad I suppose. She constantly tells me she loves me the most and only wants to be with me. She made a list of the people she loves and he wasn’t on it.

‘I don’t want to make him unhappy’. That’s very kind of you. But he doesn’t give two hoots about making YOU unhappy, and your life sounds so drab and miserable. Will his work accommodate him having the dc 50/50? Once he realises how much actual work it is running a house and children BY HIMSELF will he really want them 50/50? As other posters have said, I’d be deeply unhappy at the relationship lessons your dc have learned already. Not to mention the ‘childhood was a lie’ effect later on if you put up with all this. Your husband doesn’t think or feel like you do - he puts himself first in everything, sounds like he’s financially abusive as well. How are your savings? He does actually contribute to supporting the dc doesn’t he? If not, I’d definitely be off to an appointment with a shl.

TBH he sounds like he has checked out of the RL completely! yes Divorce is difficult it true.However you are in a kind of No Mans Land ATM one foot in and one out! We all have choices today and many women have settled for what you have , often regretting it .You say DC are happy but your DS doesnt really like him and he is not on DD list of favourite people!

You started this thread by saying
But the dc are happy
And now you say your youngest (5) didn’t even out Daddy on her list of people she loves, and your DS “doesn’t like his dad much”.

So who’s happy?

If you mean - the DC are used to this and would find separated parents difficult/upsetting, that’s not “happy”. If you mean - I am used to this and find the idea of my DC away from me if we separate too much of a sacrifice compared to just living like this in order to have them with me all the time, that’s also different.

But neither of those scenarios above are necessarily a good reason for staying married in a relationship that’s not good for you.

The main issue here is why you haven’t wanted sex in 4 years. Could you talk to a doctor as it could be a physical or mental illness that’s causing low libido. It isn’t fair to stay in a sexless, unhappy marriage when your DH could find happiness with someone else. Your DC will notice that their parents are unhappy.

He’s not even done anything ‘wrong’

Not true.
Of course you don’t want to have sex with him.

He’s controlling. Lazy. Expects you to do all the housework. Doesn’t care for you or about you.

You are not ‘allowed’ to do things.

You have grown accustomed to his abuse and neglect.

I wonder if it’ll be better as the restrictions lift, presuming they do.

I do find it hard to think of losing them some of the time, when they are so close to me and vice versa. I am their person. I can’t see them loving time with their dad but I could be wrong. Maybe he will step up and be different.
The dc would find the movement between two houses difficult - I suppose all dc would? I think 50/50 would be quite unsettling too, but I know they need a relationship with their dad. It just annoys me somewhat that he’s never built one before with them.

Are you emotionally out of this marriage or is it worth another shot?

If you’re his world then he would be willing to fight for you and change his behaviour. Same for you. Could you walk out the door with the children and never see him again? If not would counselling be worth a try?

A change in routine? Get a hobby one night a week, he takes the children, cooks dinner etc.