No sex, don’t want sex, is ending the marriage inevitable?

[Garfieldcake]

I don’t want to have sex with DH. I’m sure he knows it. Well he does know it, he says there are ‘more important things.’
We are 4 years and counting since we last had sex. I don’t even like kissing him. I find it difficult because we function in every other way, we don’t argue, I suspect there’s few people I could live with. The dc are settled and happy. We are ok.
And yet something is lacking - I don’t fancy him and years of him opting out with the dc and the house has made me resentful I suppose. I don’t feel seen or cared for or respected a lot of the time. I’ve spoken to him and he is trying but I feel as though it’s too late. Years of neglect, to a degree on both sides, means the rot has truly set in. He has quite a dominating personality which I find hard and I’ve never been in an doubt as to who has the power in our relationship in terms of money and decisions. Everything with the dc and the house has always been left to me and in 20 years he’s never cooked a meal or put the washing machine on and at times I’ve felt as though he speaks to me like an employee. The subtle signs that I am second to him have worn me down.
But the dc are happy.
Where do I go from here?

@CutieBear

The main issue here is why you haven’t wanted sex in 4 years. Could you talk to a doctor as it could be a physical or mental illness that’s causing low libido. It isn’t fair to stay in a sexless, unhappy marriage when your DH could find happiness with someone else.

Have you read all of OP’s posts?
He is an awful husband.
This is the cause!

Are you their primary parent? Would he reduce his working hours to actually do 50:50 because that's the reality.

Looking back from the other end of the telescope

• if you split up your children will still have both parents - it's not as if one of you has died.
• if your DH chooses not to parent or parents badly then don't kid yourself, they know that already and will definitely notice more with every day that passes, whether you stay together or not. You can't hide a crap dad from kids for long
• our marriage ended in an ugly crisis as it turned out we couldn't actually manage to plod along forever: if I'd gone sooner it could have been much less damaging
• I wish I had left my marriage when the children were a lot younger - I think it would have been much less damaging in the long term than leaving when they were teenagers and much more aware of the emotional complexities

FWIW both XDH and I are now happily remarried to much more suitable partners.

@CutieBear - you need to read all her posts. You sound like you feel sorry the husband?! An abusive, lazy, controlling, selfish slug - I wouldn’t want to have any intimacy with him either.

“Dad wouldn’t let you” said by a kid. That’s the minute your relationship died it’s death.

[quote goody2shooz]@CutieBear - you need to read all her posts. You sound like you feel sorry the husband?! An abusive, lazy, controlling, selfish slug - I wouldn’t want to have any intimacy with him either.[/quote]
I felt sorry for both of them for being in this emotionless marriage. He doesn’t sound like he’s actively involved and cares about OP or their DC. OP needs to get rid.

It's understandable that you worry about your dc but if anything happened to you they would be with their df anyway.
It shouldn't be a bad thing for dc to spend time with their father.
You can't live your life only for your dc.

Would he go to counselling with you, listen to you being honest about how you feel, his behaviour and relationships with the children? Can you imagine him changing, doing the work? Can you imagine changing your own role in this relationship too?

If you cannot imagine being truly honest with him in the way you’ve been honest here, and him taking it in and changing with support from a third party - if the idea seems impossible- then what? Accept things for ever?

I imagine she doesn’t want to have sex because her husband treats her like a slave?

It’s really not usual to not share finances and childcare etc.

LunaAndHer3Stars having children with additional needs is hard, even in a strong partnership. Doing it without support is even harder.

@Garfieldcake our situations differ slightly, actually, because my husband (for all his faults) is never unkind to me. We've been together almost 30 years, and I can think of only two occasions where he's ever said anything that was hurtful (and even they were actually home truths, and not devastating, just made me cross).
Your children do seem aware of the situation- they don't like him either. Very easy for me to say, but I do think you should separate. You'll manage fine- you're already doing everything!

Reading this I just want to give you a hug. He sounds similar to my ex-DP. Very controlling and stubborn and he also didn't take my job seriously in education. As a result I never wanted sex with him. Thank fuck he's gone.
Reading your post I completely get why you feel the way you do. The main red flag for me is his controlling behaviour, particularly financially. Please think carefully about your next step. You've had some good advice on here. I don't think you can live like this for another 13 years.

OP you do realise you have been abused for so long you can no longer see it ?

Leave and show your children how a real loving relationship works.

You describe a life of misery for all of you, no one is happy and your kids know you have no agency. They think that’s normal. Good luck to them in forming healthy relationships.

What makes you think a man who has never done the school run will want 50/50?

I know MN can be harsh but not without reason. This is your life. This is it. Is this how you want to spend it?

Leaving is huge and scary but the peace and calm of not living a lie is worth it a thousand times over.

This is like one of those threads where an op says that their partner is a good father and goes on to describe a man who is anything but.

You said in your op that this is a functional marriage apart from the sex and then describe a marriage that is deeply flawed with most of the blame at the of a disengaged and non caring man. It's no wonder you don't want sex with him and the relationship is not breaking down due to lack of sex.

Personally I couldn't tolerate it.

at the door of

how would he want or be able to have them 50/50 when he wont even take time off or rearrange to look after them now

your dc have noticed as you said they know youre not allowed to do certain things-this is telling them thats normal in a rlationship

just seen your other post your dd doesnt love him wants to be with you only

that isnt a good sign is it

You've told him you're unhappy, it's obvious you're unhappy ... and nothing changes.

Why?

Because he's getting what he wants (his money, his time, his hobbies while you sort out everything else) and he doesn't give a shit about your or your happiness.

Do you not see that?

I’ve spoken to him and he is trying but I feel as though it’s too late.

How is he “trying”, by the way? What form does that take?

Also - what was your relationships like before you had children? What did you used to love about him and was your sex life healthy and then it changed? Do you look back to a time when you felt in love and respected in your relationship and can you see that coming back? Or has it always been difficult?

Before dc we did our own thing by and large. It didn’t bother me as much because I had freedom and financial freedom. The dc have changed things for me but not for him in the same way. Again- probably fairly usual.

He’s booked us a couple of weekends away with the dc, including to a place I wanted to pre pandemic but he said was a rip off and wouldn’t pay for it. He’s always started taking us out for dinner one evening a week.

I agree with a PP: the moment your DC said "Dad won't let you" was the moment that it became imperative you leave this marriage, for yours and the DC's sake.

Before dc we did our own thing by and large. It didn’t bother me as much because I had freedom and financial freedom.

It doesn’t sound as if you had a particularly strong foundation as a couple to begin with? You don’t mention loving him, and “it didn’t bother me as much” means the signs of discontent were already there?

He can still take the kids out to eat in the week and for a few weekends away if you’re not together. It doesn’t sound like the things he’s trying with are at all near the root of the issues - does he understand the issues, have you spelled them out? Would you go to counselling?

You don't want to devastate him??
he's had it all his own way he's been living the dream, it's as if he's made himself too big to fail, you can't bear the idea of this man losing everything he has and yet he's made sure that you never gained anything to lose in the first place.
He's done a number on you and he's done it all with a smile on his face

I don’t think sex is the problem. It is just a symptom of the fact that you don’t like your partner that much.

I suspect that his story is that he works very hard to give his family the best possible lifestyle and is underappreciated for it.

I think that, often, the old fashioned division of labour is appealing more in theory than practice, and most no longer want the ‘housewife’ role in totality.

So, where do you go from here? You have either counselling or divorce as options. From your posts, it does not sound as if you are close enough for counselling to bridge the gap. However, only you know the reality here. Strangers intuiting from a few posts cannot know your marriage.

I would, however, either aim to fix it or divorce. If you just drift, you will end up in affair territory (either of you) and that will end in a far messier divorce and more pain for the children.