Problems with old friend, should I just give up on this friendship?

[cherieamore]

Hi, I’ve never posted on mumsnet before although I am a long time lurker. I’m just looking for some advice, so please go easy on me!

Basically I am having some issues with an old friend and I’m wondering whether I should just give up on the friendship. Or maybe someone can help me understand where I’ve gone wrong?

Back story - we were friends from the age of 5, inseparable, best buds etc. This continued through secondary school, however at around the age of 17/18 we started to drift apart as we both had boyfriends and went off to different universities. There was no falling out and we still texted each other from time to time.
I was a little hurt when she got married in 2005 and I didn’t get an invite. However I didn’t say anything and still sent her a card and gift.

Fast forward to 2012 and two of our children have ended up in the same class at nursery and we were also both pregnant again. As a result we became close again, mostly by having some play dates with the kids and meeting up more often. The following year my husband bought me concert tickets for a reunion show of a band that my friend and I had idolised as teenagers. I asked her if she wanted to come and was chuffed that she agreed. We had a brilliant night, laughed non-stop reminiscing and she told me that she’d always considered me a ‘true friend’.
After that it was back to the play dates etc with the kids for the next few months and our children who had been in the same nursery group moved on to (different) primary schools.
We’d still text etc but we hadn’t met up in a few months when I sent her a message on her birthday and she didn’t reply. This was unusual but I thought no more of it. I didn’t hear from her for the next few weeks and on my own birthday (6 weeks after hers) I didn’t get a message from her. This was strange as she’d never missed sending me a birthday message.
By this point I realised I was being ghosted! She didn’t respond to any of my messages (just lighthearted, ‘how’s things?’ Texts) and I later discovered that she’d changed her number and hadn’t sent me her new one!
I felt awful and it’s been on my mind ever since, I keep wondering what I could’ve done to upset her to make her decide to cut me out of her life again.
Anyway, life moved on and now the two children who attended nursery together are in the same year at secondary school! Because of this I’ve thought of her a lot and just last month, knowing that it was going to be a special birthday (40!) for her, I sent a bouquet of flowers and card to her address from Moonpig. I told her that I was sorry we’d lost touch and put my number on the card in case she ever wanted to catch up.
She sent me a text the next day to say that she’d burst into tears when she’d read the card, thanked me etc. I replied and said that it was lovely to hear from her and we should catch up some time. Since then....nothing. She’s never messaged me again and it’s blatantly obvious that she doesn’t want me in her life. My question is why? I’ve went through everything in my mind over and over and hope I haven’t done anything to upset her. Anyone any advice/ideas? Thanks so much.

I think it sounds like you need to let this pass by. It's not easy when you're the one doing all the running and when it's not reciprocated it's time just to call it a day - as its happened a few times now I'd put it down to her not feeling the same as you about being friends and walk away with the good memories of many years ago and leave it in the past

I definitely think the friendship has reached the end, you will only get hurt if you keep trying to keep it going. So sorry, it's hurtful.

Blimey, I don't know why. You sound like a good friend, and you're at similar stages of your life.

I think you have to accept that you do not know.

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

The moonpig flowers do feel a bit desperate. So sorry, I know that’s harsh but she didn’t invite you to her wedding! She didn’t message you on your birthday. She stopped replying to texts and then you send her flowers.

You’ll probably never know why she stopped putting the effort in but it doesn’t really matter what you did (or didn’t) do. She’s not interested. In the nicest possible way, try to move on.

You may never know. 😞

Is it possible she has reinvented herself and you represent the 'old her' in her head?

You know too much about her and her vulnerabilities?

But you hadn’t ‘lost touch’, she had been ignoring you!

Either ask her outright or move on. I’m not sure why you are being so nice to her

Has she behaves like this with other friends OP?

I wouldn't waste any more time, money or energy on this 'friend'.

You keep sending her texts, flowers, tickets.....she keeps up the fuck yous by not responding. She didn't even invite you to her wedding! Did you even ask her why when your friendship was rekindled because it was convenient for her?

She sounds like she's very very happy to take, turn on the fake emotion when you give her stuff. Weren't you at all pissed off during any of her sticking two fingers up at you?

Just drop her now. She's shown you what she's really like over and over.

Move on. I hope you have some other lovely friends because you sound like a great friend!

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post, I really appreciate it, I think I knew I had to just move on but it helps to hear other people say it too!
I’ve made excuses for the past few years that maybe she’d lost her phone contacts or was busy with work or kids etc and because we’d had such a close bond as kids I thought that we’d always be in and out of each other’s lives. It just really hurts to be ghosted without any explanation.
And I know the flowers/card for her 40th may have come across as desperate but I was really hoping that she’d receive them, text to say that she’d lost my number and be happy to catch up. In reality, I think that her reply, although it was pleasant (and I still don’t understand why she burst into tears - she’s never been a particularly emotional person) made it quite clear that she wasn’t keen to engage with me and that she’d prefer me at arms length. I just wish I knew why I’d upset her, I never put any demands on her time over the years and she just seemed to change towards me overnight.
Ah well, I’ll maybe never know but it does hurt.
Thanks again everyone.

Personally when I backed away from my friends it was because I had personal problems (twat dh) and I didn't want to have to appear 'OK' to others if he was around.. And I didn't want to explain either...
Or maybe you have dirt on her she fears may come out!!

@Sillysandy

Has she behaves like this with other friends OP?

Im not sure how she acts with other friends to be honest, Sandy. She made new ones at uni and I think she only keeps in touch with 1 of them (who lives far away now. The only other friend she ever really mentioned was the partner of her husband’s best friend. I think they spent time together as a group. At high school she was never keen on making other friends but I know people change as they get older so I’m not sure if that’s still the case.

@Aprilwasverywet

Personally when I backed away from my friends it was because I had personal problems (twat dh) and I didn't want to have to appear 'OK' to others if he was around.. And I didn't want to explain either... Or maybe you have dirt on her she fears may come out!!

Aw, I’m sorry to hear you had personal problems, I hope things are better for you now. I laughed at the having dirt on her though! 😂 it did cross my mind that she seems to have reinvented herself a bit and I might be a little below her now, unfortunately. I remember once mentioning another girl that we’d been at school with and who I’m still in touch with and she seemed unimpressed and definitely not interested.

It isn't about what you've done op, it's about her not wanting to invest time in friendships. It was easy when the kids were small and friends to do things together but then they grew up and it required proper effort from her. Maybe she finds that exhausting, maybe she's just too busy with the kids, maybe she doesn't get enough pleasure Vs stress from seeing other people. Either way. It's not you. It's her

Some people are just like this. Cut all ties, move on. No interest in the past. To me they come across as very cold but to others it’s normal.
She was friendly with you again when you were in her “present” - kids at same school. But now that’s done and she’s moved forward again. The fact that you’ve known each other for so long is meaningless to her. That was then, this is now, life moves on, get over it. It does seem odd to me too but lots of people think this way.
You sound so lovely and I hope you have many other people in your life who value that. I know I would!

Do you think she is depressed?
Do you think she might have an alcohol problem?

If any ghosters read this, please share your take on it🙂

I suspect she's moved on and whilst having some nice memories just doesn't want that part of her life present in her new life.
Could be many reasons, just doesn't like living in past, or some other bad memories of something that happened in the past, or frankly just a snob, or controlling husband... you could turn yourself in knots trying to guess.
It's sad but there's nothing you do. If it makes you feel better send Christmas and birthday messages with no expectation of a response. But, if that makes you sad, just walk away.

@Coronawireless

If any ghosters read this, please share your take on it🙂

Yes, please!

@Bonitalazenia

Do you think she is depressed? Do you think she might have an alcohol problem?

As far as I’m aware there are no issues, although I know people can be good at hiding problems. I just think she seems to be carrying on with her life in other areas and just doesn’t want me to be in it. And I know I might sound needy in this thread but I really never had any expectations of her, just the odd message now and again to let me know how she’s getting on would have been nice. It’s the total ghosting I don’t understand but as lots of other posters have said, I’ll probably never know the reasons for this.

I wouldn't send anybody moon pig presents if they blanked me on my birthday and then to top it off, ignored my birthday message to them. Or didn't invite me to their wedding.
You sound like a good friend with your heart in the right place but she isn't willing to reciprocate that. So just move on.

I had a friend I have known since I Was 11 and she was 7. Very close friends. I would always message her on first day of new jobs, send her my love and when she moved up the country, I would message her to tell her we all missed her and that we can't wait for her to move back down south again. I'd message her to have a safe journey when she had a long journey ahead. Anyway, she was there for the birth of 2 of my children and was a great support, helping me but asked for money afterwards for parking tickets and helping me around the hospital which is a bit odd because that's what friends do or so I thought..... When I went into labour with my 4th child she said keep me posted, I would love to be there. I kept her posted whilst I was labouring at home. She said she can't wait to be there when things pick up, as I have slow labour's. Any who, we got to the hospital and I told my husband ring Hannah, not real name BTW. He did and said hiya love, we are at the hospital, do you want to make your way over as she's reaching the later stage of labour now.
Its literally a 15 minute drive. She said no she's too tired to come and she is at her boyfriends friends birthday party. Imagine. And wished us luck and ended the phone call. I was literally so upset. But wanted to stay positive to focus on the birth of the baby. I had to do most of it alone as we struggled with childcare and my husband had to sort that out which nenar he had to leave me to get the kids and then wait for my aunt to come look after them so he could race back to the hospital again. She came the next day after I had the baby and said she wished she could have been there but she needed to spend time with her boyfriend and his friends too. And I said to her i am your real friend of x years. And was in labour, surely that comes first. She said she wishes her bf mates were her real true friends too. Bit of an odd statement and weird thing to say. Anyway, after that she hasn't bothered with us.. We have since had another baby and haven't spoken with her for 3 years. I sent her a long message on Facebook telling her how I felt after the birth of baby 4. I always made an effort for her. So many times we planned to meet up and she would cancel me to walk the dog or meet her mother. I would understand she wanted to spend time with her mum and even said to her have a lovely lunch with your mum, I will just take the kids out myself. But then I would have to explain to the kids who would be so excited to see aunty Hannah she wouldn't be coming after all at least 10 times of cancelling. I would message her and she would read it and reply 2 or 3 weeks later. I also told her I was struggling to get out shopping to get the last few baby bits in. She called me that afternoon and told me to come outside and meet her in my drive way. When I got outside she had plastic bags full of brand new baby stuff. She handed it to me and said that will be £140 please. Errr, you what. I actually gave up in the end. I think the final straw was that she chose to go to the pub with her boyfriends mates instead of supporting me in childbirth. And still after that blanked me and doesn't even ask if the kids are OK. Worst part is, she is their 'godmother' and still nothing. But she watches all what I post on Facebook.

Now am happy just having my husband as my only true real friend. He never let's me down, we laugh our heads off, and we have a wonderful family together, 5 kids and would love to have 1 more. Totally nuts I know. But always dreamt of a big family and I had a crap childhood so want to give my kids the best. He's my everything. I would be lost without him. I have lost so many friends over the years. But I just say they weren't real friends in the first place.

I'd say its time for you to move on OP and focus on your real friendships. Wish you all the best.

Sorry for my essay, I wasn't planning to take over haha!

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate

I wouldn't send anybody moon pig presents if they blanked me on my birthday and then to top it off, ignored my birthday message to them. Or didn't invite me to their wedding. You sound like a good friend with your heart in the right place but she isn't willing to reciprocate that. So just move on.

I had a friend I have known since I Was 11 and she was 7. Very close friends. I would always message her on first day of new jobs, send her my love and when she moved up the country, I would message her to tell her we all missed her and that we can't wait for her to move back down south again. I'd message her to have a safe journey when she had a long journey ahead. Anyway, she was there for the birth of 2 of my children and was a great support, helping me but asked for money afterwards for parking tickets and helping me around the hospital which is a bit odd because that's what friends do or so I thought..... When I went into labour with my 4th child she said keep me posted, I would love to be there. I kept her posted whilst I was labouring at home. She said she can't wait to be there when things pick up, as I have slow labour's. Any who, we got to the hospital and I told my husband ring Hannah, not real name BTW. He did and said hiya love, we are at the hospital, do you want to make your way over as she's reaching the later stage of labour now.
Its literally a 15 minute drive. She said no she's too tired to come and she is at her boyfriends friends birthday party. Imagine. And wished us luck and ended the phone call. I was literally so upset. But wanted to stay positive to focus on the birth of the baby. I had to do most of it alone as we struggled with childcare and my husband had to sort that out which nenar he had to leave me to get the kids and then wait for my aunt to come look after them so he could race back to the hospital again. She came the next day after I had the baby and said she wished she could have been there but she needed to spend time with her boyfriend and his friends too. And I said to her i am your real friend of x years. And was in labour, surely that comes first. She said she wishes her bf mates were her real true friends too. Bit of an odd statement and weird thing to say. Anyway, after that she hasn't bothered with us.. We have since had another baby and haven't spoken with her for 3 years. I sent her a long message on Facebook telling her how I felt after the birth of baby 4. I always made an effort for her. So many times we planned to meet up and she would cancel me to walk the dog or meet her mother. I would understand she wanted to spend time with her mum and even said to her have a lovely lunch with your mum, I will just take the kids out myself. But then I would have to explain to the kids who would be so excited to see aunty Hannah she wouldn't be coming after all at least 10 times of cancelling. I would message her and she would read it and reply 2 or 3 weeks later. I also told her I was struggling to get out shopping to get the last few baby bits in. She called me that afternoon and told me to come outside and meet her in my drive way. When I got outside she had plastic bags full of brand new baby stuff. She handed it to me and said that will be £140 please. Errr, you what. I actually gave up in the end. I think the final straw was that she chose to go to the pub with her boyfriends mates instead of supporting me in childbirth. And still after that blanked me and doesn't even ask if the kids are OK. Worst part is, she is their 'godmother' and still nothing. But she watches all what I post on Facebook.

Now am happy just having my husband as my only true real friend. He never let's me down, we laugh our heads off, and we have a wonderful family together, 5 kids and would love to have 1 more. Totally nuts I know. But always dreamt of a big family and I had a crap childhood so want to give my kids the best. He's my everything. I would be lost without him. I have lost so many friends over the years. But I just say they weren't real friends in the first place.

I'd say its time for you to move on OP and focus on your real friendships. Wish you all the best.

I think in your case you were confusing “friend” with “servant” or “slave”.

Who the hell pays a friend for their parking ticket to be there for you in labour????????

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate

Glad you chucked that friendship in the bin.

@Coronawireless

Tell me about it

She sounds like my mother.

Mum worked in an office with another woman for well over a decade. They used to go out for drinks together, db & I had play dates with her dc, they swapped outgrown kids' clothing back & forth. Always laughing together & generally seemed like bffs.

Mum got a new job. A few months after, i was home from uni & thought to ask '...& how's Julie?'

Mum: 'I've no idea, we don't work together anymore, you know that.'
Me: 'gosh did you fall out? That's a shame. You were such good mates'
Mum 'Why would we have fallen out?! I just don't work with her anymore.'

She did the same when she retired - moved to the seaside with my dad & ghosted her entire social life! She's also genuinely puzzled if I make any reference to catching up with old friends ('...but you don't study/live/work with X anymore!').

Perfectly functional in all other respects. Loving wife, mother & grandmother, makes friends easily, chats to everyone she meets on holiday etc - it's just that if you are no longer in her immediate orbit, & you aren't family, you no longer exist.

Some people just do compartments 🤷🏻‍♀️. All you can do is let it go - if you eventually rock up in adjoining rooms in a care home, she'll probably be quite happy to be pals again...