Problems with old friend, should I just give up on this friendship?

[cherieamore]

Hi, I’ve never posted on mumsnet before although I am a long time lurker. I’m just looking for some advice, so please go easy on me!

Basically I am having some issues with an old friend and I’m wondering whether I should just give up on the friendship. Or maybe someone can help me understand where I’ve gone wrong?

Back story - we were friends from the age of 5, inseparable, best buds etc. This continued through secondary school, however at around the age of 17/18 we started to drift apart as we both had boyfriends and went off to different universities. There was no falling out and we still texted each other from time to time.
I was a little hurt when she got married in 2005 and I didn’t get an invite. However I didn’t say anything and still sent her a card and gift.

Fast forward to 2012 and two of our children have ended up in the same class at nursery and we were also both pregnant again. As a result we became close again, mostly by having some play dates with the kids and meeting up more often. The following year my husband bought me concert tickets for a reunion show of a band that my friend and I had idolised as teenagers. I asked her if she wanted to come and was chuffed that she agreed. We had a brilliant night, laughed non-stop reminiscing and she told me that she’d always considered me a ‘true friend’.
After that it was back to the play dates etc with the kids for the next few months and our children who had been in the same nursery group moved on to (different) primary schools.
We’d still text etc but we hadn’t met up in a few months when I sent her a message on her birthday and she didn’t reply. This was unusual but I thought no more of it. I didn’t hear from her for the next few weeks and on my own birthday (6 weeks after hers) I didn’t get a message from her. This was strange as she’d never missed sending me a birthday message.
By this point I realised I was being ghosted! She didn’t respond to any of my messages (just lighthearted, ‘how’s things?’ Texts) and I later discovered that she’d changed her number and hadn’t sent me her new one!
I felt awful and it’s been on my mind ever since, I keep wondering what I could’ve done to upset her to make her decide to cut me out of her life again.
Anyway, life moved on and now the two children who attended nursery together are in the same year at secondary school! Because of this I’ve thought of her a lot and just last month, knowing that it was going to be a special birthday (40!) for her, I sent a bouquet of flowers and card to her address from Moonpig. I told her that I was sorry we’d lost touch and put my number on the card in case she ever wanted to catch up.
She sent me a text the next day to say that she’d burst into tears when she’d read the card, thanked me etc. I replied and said that it was lovely to hear from her and we should catch up some time. Since then....nothing. She’s never messaged me again and it’s blatantly obvious that she doesn’t want me in her life. My question is why? I’ve went through everything in my mind over and over and hope I haven’t done anything to upset her. Anyone any advice/ideas? Thanks so much.

I have a friend who would tell you I ghosted her. She regularly posts things on FB about how none of her old friend’s bother with her any more. We’ve known each other since 11, nearly 40 now. The group of friends we had at school have all lost touch apart.

The reality is, she moved abroad and is rarely in the UK. When we did speak after she moved she only wanted to talk about herself and if you said something she didn’t like even if was innocuous, like asking about her hobby, she took offence. And then when I developed a health condition she was dismissive and tried to make that about her too.

@FlyNow

She just doesn't really want to be friends I think. In the op you told the concert/then ghosting story like it was a few months ago but it was in 2013! You've now been out of touch longer than you were friends.

Hi thanks for replying but we were best friends from the age of 5 until 17 then in touch on and off through the years. The concert was in 2015 (two years after we reconnected at the nursery). She turned cold/ghosted me in 2018 out of the blue. But I do agree that I don’t think she wants to be friends and that I have to stop trying to work out why.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP, but from your description it sounds like a 1 sided friendship. Please do yourself a favour and forget this person, it's not worth the hassle. You sound like a lovely friend

@Thatswhatmamasaid

I'm sorry this happened to you OP, but from your description it sounds like a 1 sided friendship. Please do yourself a favour and forget this person, it's not worth the hassle. You sound like a lovely friend

Thank you, that’s really kind. I think you’re right and it was very one sided. I’ve thought about it all a lot today after reading all the replies that I’ve received and even as kids I was always in her shadow as she called the shots, I’m sad about the ghosting and don’t understand why but I definitely need to get a grip and move on! Thanks again.

She grew up and you’re part of her past. Reminiscing is nice for a while but there’s only so much you can get out of it before it becomes dull and repetitive.

When you’re grown up priorities change, how relationships are conducted changes, how much we want to share with our friends and the kinds of friends we have all change.

You seem to be looking for something similar to what you had back then, only now. That Rachel and Monica friendship doesn’t really exist anywhere except on tv. It’s really hard coming to terms with that, I do totally understand why you’re looking for reasons but in all reality there’s no one specific reason. You’re very different people to the 17 year olds you once were. You wanted to go back to being close and she didn’t.

The same happened to me, many times with different people and I looked to blame myself and for reasons but when I and thought about it the friends for a reason and friends for a season thing totally rang true. I fulfilled my purpose for them as much as they did for me. I learned lessons in the relationships we had and that they ended became irrelevant… but it hurts before you get to that stage.

It sounds like an ex-friend of mine. Someone who can only operate in the present and forgets people as soon as she doesn’t see them all the time.
Honestly, her behaviour is so unlikely to be anything to do with you. If she didn’t like you she could have easily avoided the friendship being rekindled when your children were small. It’s clear that she likes you in the moment, when you’re with her.