Problems with old friend, should I just give up on this friendship?

[cherieamore]

Hi, I’ve never posted on mumsnet before although I am a long time lurker. I’m just looking for some advice, so please go easy on me!

Basically I am having some issues with an old friend and I’m wondering whether I should just give up on the friendship. Or maybe someone can help me understand where I’ve gone wrong?

Back story - we were friends from the age of 5, inseparable, best buds etc. This continued through secondary school, however at around the age of 17/18 we started to drift apart as we both had boyfriends and went off to different universities. There was no falling out and we still texted each other from time to time.
I was a little hurt when she got married in 2005 and I didn’t get an invite. However I didn’t say anything and still sent her a card and gift.

Fast forward to 2012 and two of our children have ended up in the same class at nursery and we were also both pregnant again. As a result we became close again, mostly by having some play dates with the kids and meeting up more often. The following year my husband bought me concert tickets for a reunion show of a band that my friend and I had idolised as teenagers. I asked her if she wanted to come and was chuffed that she agreed. We had a brilliant night, laughed non-stop reminiscing and she told me that she’d always considered me a ‘true friend’.
After that it was back to the play dates etc with the kids for the next few months and our children who had been in the same nursery group moved on to (different) primary schools.
We’d still text etc but we hadn’t met up in a few months when I sent her a message on her birthday and she didn’t reply. This was unusual but I thought no more of it. I didn’t hear from her for the next few weeks and on my own birthday (6 weeks after hers) I didn’t get a message from her. This was strange as she’d never missed sending me a birthday message.
By this point I realised I was being ghosted! She didn’t respond to any of my messages (just lighthearted, ‘how’s things?’ Texts) and I later discovered that she’d changed her number and hadn’t sent me her new one!
I felt awful and it’s been on my mind ever since, I keep wondering what I could’ve done to upset her to make her decide to cut me out of her life again.
Anyway, life moved on and now the two children who attended nursery together are in the same year at secondary school! Because of this I’ve thought of her a lot and just last month, knowing that it was going to be a special birthday (40!) for her, I sent a bouquet of flowers and card to her address from Moonpig. I told her that I was sorry we’d lost touch and put my number on the card in case she ever wanted to catch up.
She sent me a text the next day to say that she’d burst into tears when she’d read the card, thanked me etc. I replied and said that it was lovely to hear from her and we should catch up some time. Since then....nothing. She’s never messaged me again and it’s blatantly obvious that she doesn’t want me in her life. My question is why? I’ve went through everything in my mind over and over and hope I haven’t done anything to upset her. Anyone any advice/ideas? Thanks so much.

@CorvusPurpureus is your mother on the autistic spectrum?

@cherieamore stop focus on her being ‘upset’ with you. She’s not, she just doesn’t want to be best buddies. Friendships end all the time.

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate - your friendship with this woman seemed to be based on you expecting her to look after you and buy you stuff after having children. Sounds like she got fed up by the 4th!

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate does she have kids too, and did you get to reciprocate? Because I can also see how that might be a bit much, demanding that someone leave a party to be there at birth of 4th baby! She has a life too.

OP, I have a friend a bit like this. Great friend when she lives nearby, but as soon as one of us moves she needs chasing. I think some people just have space for few friends.

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate - your friendship with this woman seemed to be based on you expecting her to look after you and buy you stuff after having children. Sounds like she got fed up by the 4th!

Totally agree! Your friendship seems to be all about your wants and needs and nothing about hers.

@Coronawireless

If any ghosters read this, please share your take on it🙂

@cherieamore.

I'm not good at maintaining friendships hence my username here. I prefer my own company and I know that I won't commit to being a good friend.

I'm not rude so I don't ghost, but most of my friendships have fizzled out because mostly I will give non committal replies to things and I do project work so I change my work number relatively frequently and I don't really bother with maintaining 2nd personal line.

I will go to the evening part of a wedding and will get a thoughtful gift but I won't get milestone birthday invites anymore and I don't really expect them.

@runway @agathaallalong @catspyjama

Sorry if it came across that way. I never demanded anything at All from her. Nor did I want her to jump to my every want and need.
I told her how I would love her to be there as a Labour partner. She was my best friend..... And she was extremely excited to be there... I never told her to ditch her boyfriends mates at the pub and come to me in childbirth. She was the one who was adamant she was going to be there and even said herself she was so happy I was in labour on a Saturday as it was her day off work. She chose herself to go to the pub with her boyfriends mates instead of come and be with me . She most certainly can do what she wants. She is 30 and has her own life. But when she promised she would be there for me and I was counting on her support as at the time she was my best friend, she chose the pub instead. Claimed she was tired and said see you tomorrow. Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't go out with my husbands mates who I barely know whilst my best friend is in labour and would want me there and I even said I would be there. We were in contact the entire time whilst I was labouring in the house and she was saying I can't wait. Then to cancel me at the last minute. I also never asked her to buy me stuff. I was just telling her in general conversation, husband and I still need to get the last baby things in but my morning sickness is so bad I can't get out and husband would buy the wrong stuff.
She then turned up unannounced at the house that same day with a few bags full of dummies, nappies and baby clothes. Then gave me a receipt for it all and said you owe me 140 quid. I didn't even know how to react. We already had some of that stuff and just needed a few odds and ends for the hospital bag and baby's things in newborn size. My husband said just sort through it all and give her back what you don't want and she can get a refund which we did.

She doesn't have children. She lives with her parents. I have always been the one to make the effort and message her and ask her how she is. And tell her we can't wait for her to move back from Scotland back down to South again. I would wish her best of luck on new jobs and job interviews. Tell her to drive safely back up to Scotland when she would drive all the way there after coming down to see her family and boyfriend for the odd weekend. She cancelled on me so many times I lost count and still I kept cheery telling her to have a nice walk in the woods with her dog or have a nice day out with your mum. Even though we had solid plans from months or weeks prior. But still I said no problem. And sometimes if we did meet it would have to be cut short. She also asked for money for her parking tickets for coming to the hospital. I even transfered 59 quid to her account for helping me in the hospital after I had my 2nd child. I thought friends help each other without wanting money. Even my husband saw her as a little sister and would message her too asking how she is. It's a real shame our friendship went down the pan. I really love her. But I just got sick of messaging her and not hearing back for weeks.

You are only thinking about you. Just because she loses touch its not JUST ABOUT YOU/

Maybe she went quiet because she has been ill, or had marriage problems or been busy with old relatives. Maybe her old phone was lost/stolen/broken so she lost your number.
Maybe she doesn't want to explain her circumstances to you.

So she said she would be there and went to a bar with her boyfriends friends, rather than support a childhood friend in labour and then claim she is tired. Sheesh Louish
@makemineadoublechocolate

[quote MakeMineAdoubleChocolate]**@runway* @agathaallalong* @catspyjama

Sorry if it came across that way. I never demanded anything at All from her. Nor did I want her to jump to my every want and need.
I told her how I would love her to be there as a Labour partner. She was my best friend..... And she was extremely excited to be there... I never told her to ditch her boyfriends mates at the pub and come to me in childbirth. She was the one who was adamant she was going to be there and even said herself she was so happy I was in labour on a Saturday as it was her day off work. She chose herself to go to the pub with her boyfriends mates instead of come and be with me . She most certainly can do what she wants. She is 30 and has her own life. But when she promised she would be there for me and I was counting on her support as at the time she was my best friend, she chose the pub instead. Claimed she was tired and said see you tomorrow. Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't go out with my husbands mates who I barely know whilst my best friend is in labour and would want me there and I even said I would be there. We were in contact the entire time whilst I was labouring in the house and she was saying I can't wait. Then to cancel me at the last minute. I also never asked her to buy me stuff. I was just telling her in general conversation, husband and I still need to get the last baby things in but my morning sickness is so bad I can't get out and husband would buy the wrong stuff.
She then turned up unannounced at the house that same day with a few bags full of dummies, nappies and baby clothes. Then gave me a receipt for it all and said you owe me 140 quid. I didn't even know how to react. We already had some of that stuff and just needed a few odds and ends for the hospital bag and baby's things in newborn size. My husband said just sort through it all and give her back what you don't want and she can get a refund which we did.

She doesn't have children. She lives with her parents. I have always been the one to make the effort and message her and ask her how she is. And tell her we can't wait for her to move back from Scotland back down to South again. I would wish her best of luck on new jobs and job interviews. Tell her to drive safely back up to Scotland when she would drive all the way there after coming down to see her family and boyfriend for the odd weekend. She cancelled on me so many times I lost count and still I kept cheery telling her to have a nice walk in the woods with her dog or have a nice day out with your mum. Even though we had solid plans from months or weeks prior. But still I said no problem. And sometimes if we did meet it would have to be cut short. She also asked for money for her parking tickets for coming to the hospital. I even transfered 59 quid to her account for helping me in the hospital after I had my 2nd child. I thought friends help each other without wanting money. Even my husband saw her as a little sister and would message her too asking how she is. It's a real shame our friendship went down the pan. I really love her. But I just got sick of messaging her and not hearing back for weeks.[/quote]
To be fair she was probably enjoying herself at bf"s party and he and other party goers would have probably questioned why she was running off to support her friend through her 4th birth. Am I right in thinking that your dh was there so you weren't alone?

@makemineadoublechocolate after reading your update, yeah, she is unreasonable. Who demands money for helping someone in hospital? How bizzare. And how did she arrive at the £59 price??

OP I think you should have given up long ago. I'm the type to hold on to friends and have quite a few I've known for 30 plus years. Others have come and gone. I never ghost them but I know when to give up. Some of those losses have hurt a lot, others I realise we only had in common a certain experience at the time and they ended when that did.

But I never pursue when I can sense a loss of interest. Yes, with long term friends a lot of time can pass without seeing them but we can pick up where we felt off. Plus I feel secure in those friendships lasting forever.

But with others, less well established, I allow myself to get the message after a couple of rebuffs. After all, if they cared, they could contact me. I call it self preservation.

I think you had plenty of signs. You admit things changed around 17 to 18. Ok you rekindled the friendship when your kids were in nursery but it was temporary and only based on the fact you had known each other before i.e convenient to you both.

I think you feel that as childhood friends, there's a bond. But we all grow up and change. I moved away from the area where I went to primary school and haven't had contact with anyone from there in a very long time. My initial best friend at secondary moved away in year 9 and we didn't keep in touch as we had rowed shortly beforehand. I am still friends with several people from sixth form but we continued to develop our friendship through and after university as our families still lived in the same town. That's very different from your situation.

People move on from friends for many varied reasons - it doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong or they don't like you, it may just be circumstances. Stop worrying over it and let it go. Think about how you can make new friends, if you feel you are lacking them. But stop flogging a dead horse - it's only hurting you.

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate I dunno it still seems like you expect a lot of help and time spent with you and your kids and in return send her some messages. Did you do stuff just the 2 of you? Stuff she chose?

Op echoing others - it's not you. From what you say about other friends she just isn't someone who values close friendships, maybe she finds them overwhelming.

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate

I wouldn't send anybody moon pig presents if they blanked me on my birthday and then to top it off, ignored my birthday message to them. Or didn't invite me to their wedding. You sound like a good friend with your heart in the right place but she isn't willing to reciprocate that. So just move on.

I had a friend I have known since I Was 11 and she was 7. Very close friends. I would always message her on first day of new jobs, send her my love and when she moved up the country, I would message her to tell her we all missed her and that we can't wait for her to move back down south again. I'd message her to have a safe journey when she had a long journey ahead. Anyway, she was there for the birth of 2 of my children and was a great support, helping me but asked for money afterwards for parking tickets and helping me around the hospital which is a bit odd because that's what friends do or so I thought..... When I went into labour with my 4th child she said keep me posted, I would love to be there. I kept her posted whilst I was labouring at home. She said she can't wait to be there when things pick up, as I have slow labour's. Any who, we got to the hospital and I told my husband ring Hannah, not real name BTW. He did and said hiya love, we are at the hospital, do you want to make your way over as she's reaching the later stage of labour now.
Its literally a 15 minute drive. She said no she's too tired to come and she is at her boyfriends friends birthday party. Imagine. And wished us luck and ended the phone call. I was literally so upset. But wanted to stay positive to focus on the birth of the baby. I had to do most of it alone as we struggled with childcare and my husband had to sort that out which nenar he had to leave me to get the kids and then wait for my aunt to come look after them so he could race back to the hospital again. She came the next day after I had the baby and said she wished she could have been there but she needed to spend time with her boyfriend and his friends too. And I said to her i am your real friend of x years. And was in labour, surely that comes first. She said she wishes her bf mates were her real true friends too. Bit of an odd statement and weird thing to say. Anyway, after that she hasn't bothered with us.. We have since had another baby and haven't spoken with her for 3 years. I sent her a long message on Facebook telling her how I felt after the birth of baby 4. I always made an effort for her. So many times we planned to meet up and she would cancel me to walk the dog or meet her mother. I would understand she wanted to spend time with her mum and even said to her have a lovely lunch with your mum, I will just take the kids out myself. But then I would have to explain to the kids who would be so excited to see aunty Hannah she wouldn't be coming after all at least 10 times of cancelling. I would message her and she would read it and reply 2 or 3 weeks later. I also told her I was struggling to get out shopping to get the last few baby bits in. She called me that afternoon and told me to come outside and meet her in my drive way. When I got outside she had plastic bags full of brand new baby stuff. She handed it to me and said that will be £140 please. Errr, you what. I actually gave up in the end. I think the final straw was that she chose to go to the pub with her boyfriends mates instead of supporting me in childbirth. And still after that blanked me and doesn't even ask if the kids are OK. Worst part is, she is their 'godmother' and still nothing. But she watches all what I post on Facebook.

Now am happy just having my husband as my only true real friend. He never let's me down, we laugh our heads off, and we have a wonderful family together, 5 kids and would love to have 1 more. Totally nuts I know. But always dreamt of a big family and I had a crap childhood so want to give my kids the best. He's my everything. I would be lost without him. I have lost so many friends over the years. But I just say they weren't real friends in the first place.

I'd say its time for you to move on OP and focus on your real friendships. Wish you all the best.

Hi MakeMineAdoubleChocolate thank you for your message, I’m really sorry to hear about all the problems you have had with your former friend, definitely a lot of strange going-ons like her asking you for money for the baby stuff! 🤷‍♀️ I think you must feel let down by her and it’s for the best that you’ve moved on. I’m glad you have such a strong relationship with your husband too. By the way, I also have 5 kids! But I’m not planning anymore, even trying to reply to these messages is difficult as my 1-year-old likes my full attention! 😂

@SGBK4862

OP I think you should have given up long ago. I'm the type to hold on to friends and have quite a few I've known for 30 plus years. Others have come and gone. I never ghost them but I know when to give up. Some of those losses have hurt a lot, others I realise we only had in common a certain experience at the time and they ended when that did.

But I never pursue when I can sense a loss of interest. Yes, with long term friends a lot of time can pass without seeing them but we can pick up where we felt off. Plus I feel secure in those friendships lasting forever.

But with others, less well established, I allow myself to get the message after a couple of rebuffs. After all, if they cared, they could contact me. I call it self preservation.

I think you had plenty of signs. You admit things changed around 17 to 18. Ok you rekindled the friendship when your kids were in nursery but it was temporary and only based on the fact you had known each other before i.e convenient to you both.

I think you feel that as childhood friends, there's a bond. But we all grow up and change. I moved away from the area where I went to primary school and haven't had contact with anyone from there in a very long time. My initial best friend at secondary moved away in year 9 and we didn't keep in touch as we had rowed shortly beforehand. I am still friends with several people from sixth form but we continued to develop our friendship through and after university as our families still lived in the same town. That's very different from your situation.

People move on from friends for many varied reasons - it doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong or they don't like you, it may just be circumstances. Stop worrying over it and let it go. Think about how you can make new friends, if you feel you are lacking them. But stop flogging a dead horse - it's only hurting you.

Hi SGBK4862 thanks for this, I think I did need to hear this. Well aware that I need to get a grip and move on. Even reading back my original post I think it’s now obvious that we only became close again when our kids were at nursery together, as you said it was convenient. I did think we had a strong bond in that time could pass but when we met up again we would still have a great friendship. I think I might have over idealised our old friendship. Even my husband (who doesn’t usually comment) mentioned that he felt as though I was the only one making an effort. And this was before the ghosting! I just think the ghosting was unnecessary as I wasn’t pushing to meet up or bombarding her with calls or expecting anything. Never mind, I think I need to definitely let the past be in the past (thanks Elsa! 😉)

Thanks again to everyone who has posted.

Given that her children are about to go the the same secondary school as yours, my guess is that’s she’s wise to the fact that she can’t full-on ignore you. That’s why she contacted you to thank you (as would be socially expected). She overdid the tears bit but, hey, maybe she’s just a bit OTT.

She is trying to leave this friendship, but you aren’t letting her.

I’ve ‘left’ many friendships in the past, and many people have ‘left’ me. It’s completely normal.

You could work on your self-esteem if you feel that you are obsessing about what you might have done to cause this. Therein lies the path to ruin...

It might be that she’s a bit snobby and doesn’t think you fit into her social scene, she may be a bit of a loner, she may have issues. You’ll probably never know. But you were a lovely friend to her, you can rest on the fact it wasn’t anything you did. She just didn’t put as much effort in as you have. You’ve not fallen out- you’re just not as close friends as you thought.

I have an old friend like this. She's still on the very edge of my socials but rarely engages and is always reinventing herself.

We were super close at college, drifted apart, reconnected for two years where I was the bees knees and then she just phased me out again.

She's had about five best friends (all different circles) in as many years and it's exhausting and frankly probably upsetting for all those she leaves in her wake.

I've decided not to make much of an effort anymore (I took her out to London for her birthday, spent £500, got a frame from a charity shop as my birthday gift 6 months later) and let her cycle through friendships until she finally settles. We are completely different people now with a couple of commonalities but not enough to sustain anything other than superficial.

She might be one of those people.

My 'best friend' I have stopped talking to now. I don't make the effort to talk to her.

She's a horrible cow. Over the years I endured way too much of her shit. She's an absolute narc. Since having my son I've realised that I shouldn't tolerate her behaviour.

She'll always get sly digs in 'aww you look so Mumsy now' pretty sure she tried to use that as an insult.

Her favourite thing would to tell me ' oh bless you, you don't get it. Do you need me to explain?' Even though I understood something fine. She just tried to make me look like a idiot.

Oh she always try to convince me that DP was cheating on me..,

If she messages me now (very rare) I give her blunt one-liners.

An idiot*

I think it sounds like this woman really likes you but clearly doesnt have it in her to maintain friendships in the way youd like. It could be for any number of reasons. Ive got quite a few friends that we rarely meet up. She might just prefer a much more casual low key friendship. Send her memes online type thing. She might have reasons she wont let anyone get close. It could be self esteem issues. Social anxiety. history of abuse. addictions, shame.
Either way, I think if you are fond of each other and have history, then enjoy the occasional contact for what it is. This makes me think of all the autistic people I know that would be totally isolated before the internet came along and low-key online friendships became a thing.

Not saying its any of those things, but theyre all a possibility

@Coronawireless

If any ghosters read this, please share your take on it🙂

I ghosted a school friend. We were really close until she went to uni and made new friends. After that we would go out only the 2 of us, she wouldn't invite me when she went out with her new friends. Then she started saying the things I said embarrassed her. It seemed to be centred around money for example i drove but would get the bus into town because parking was so expensive and I needed new clothes but I was going to wait till the sales were on. Stuff like that. Even though we were alone she was embarrassed that people on other tables we didn't know would hear us. She said I made her cringe. The night I ghosted her the same thing happened but this time instead of saying something she just nipped me really hard on my leg and looked at me like she was fuming. I walked out and never spoke to her again.

It could be anything - my brother doesn't keep in touch with old friends much I don't think as his wife won't let him (he's not Prince Harry!). It's very possibly nothing personal at all.

She just doesn't really want to be friends I think. In the op you told the concert/then ghosting story like it was a few months ago but it was in 2013! You've now been out of touch longer than you were friends.

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate

I wouldn't send anybody moon pig presents if they blanked me on my birthday and then to top it off, ignored my birthday message to them. Or didn't invite me to their wedding. You sound like a good friend with your heart in the right place but she isn't willing to reciprocate that. So just move on.

I had a friend I have known since I Was 11 and she was 7. Very close friends. I would always message her on first day of new jobs, send her my love and when she moved up the country, I would message her to tell her we all missed her and that we can't wait for her to move back down south again. I'd message her to have a safe journey when she had a long journey ahead. Anyway, she was there for the birth of 2 of my children and was a great support, helping me but asked for money afterwards for parking tickets and helping me around the hospital which is a bit odd because that's what friends do or so I thought..... When I went into labour with my 4th child she said keep me posted, I would love to be there. I kept her posted whilst I was labouring at home. She said she can't wait to be there when things pick up, as I have slow labour's. Any who, we got to the hospital and I told my husband ring Hannah, not real name BTW. He did and said hiya love, we are at the hospital, do you want to make your way over as she's reaching the later stage of labour now.
Its literally a 15 minute drive. She said no she's too tired to come and she is at her boyfriends friends birthday party. Imagine. And wished us luck and ended the phone call. I was literally so upset. But wanted to stay positive to focus on the birth of the baby. I had to do most of it alone as we struggled with childcare and my husband had to sort that out which nenar he had to leave me to get the kids and then wait for my aunt to come look after them so he could race back to the hospital again. She came the next day after I had the baby and said she wished she could have been there but she needed to spend time with her boyfriend and his friends too. And I said to her i am your real friend of x years. And was in labour, surely that comes first. She said she wishes her bf mates were her real true friends too. Bit of an odd statement and weird thing to say. Anyway, after that she hasn't bothered with us.. We have since had another baby and haven't spoken with her for 3 years. I sent her a long message on Facebook telling her how I felt after the birth of baby 4. I always made an effort for her. So many times we planned to meet up and she would cancel me to walk the dog or meet her mother. I would understand she wanted to spend time with her mum and even said to her have a lovely lunch with your mum, I will just take the kids out myself. But then I would have to explain to the kids who would be so excited to see aunty Hannah she wouldn't be coming after all at least 10 times of cancelling. I would message her and she would read it and reply 2 or 3 weeks later. I also told her I was struggling to get out shopping to get the last few baby bits in. She called me that afternoon and told me to come outside and meet her in my drive way. When I got outside she had plastic bags full of brand new baby stuff. She handed it to me and said that will be £140 please. Errr, you what. I actually gave up in the end. I think the final straw was that she chose to go to the pub with her boyfriends mates instead of supporting me in childbirth. And still after that blanked me and doesn't even ask if the kids are OK. Worst part is, she is their 'godmother' and still nothing. But she watches all what I post on Facebook.

Now am happy just having my husband as my only true real friend. He never let's me down, we laugh our heads off, and we have a wonderful family together, 5 kids and would love to have 1 more. Totally nuts I know. But always dreamt of a big family and I had a crap childhood so want to give my kids the best. He's my everything. I would be lost without him. I have lost so many friends over the years. But I just say they weren't real friends in the first place.

I'd say its time for you to move on OP and focus on your real friendships. Wish you all the best.

I think it was a bit much for you to expect her to come to your fourth child's labour. She was there for the both of your children. You had your husband there, why did you need her there for? I suspect she didn't like your reaction and slowly began to pull herself away.

She's not that interested in you but you may be of use in the future.

Don't make little of yourself chasing her.

Move on OP.