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Original poster

I thought you would be mad

67 replies

WhereTheSpiritMeetsTheBones · 01/06/2021 14:52

Hi everyone

I am turning this issue over and over in my mind and need some help working out whether I am doing something wrong, or whether my partner is.

He has a habit of withholding info from me/lying and says that he didn't tell me because he "thought I would be mad"

Some examples:
-He is an ex smoker and started smoking again and didn't tell me because he thought I would be mad and end the relationship. He had started smoking again for many months but he only told me that he had started smoking again after we had a big argument about something else and were discussing whether we should actually continue our relationship or not. He was very angry and defensive about it and in his words, only told me because he assumed I was going to end the relationship anyway.
If I had known he was smoking again I would have been disappointed for him, I would've wanted to discuss why he started again, what support he needed, what was going wrong etc. I would not have been mad because I know its an addiction, but I would have wanted to address the issue. I was mad about the way I found out.

-He took my debit card and bought some things from the shop. I had no idea until I was reviewing the transactions and panicked thinking my card had been cloned. He denied all knowledge and waited until I was on hold to the fraud department, then told me he had made the transaction and didn't tell me because he thought I would be mad. If he had told me immediately after going to the shop, I wouldn't have been mad (but would have complained that he didn't buy me anything) but again, given how I found out, I was mad because it was such a stupid thing to lie about.

So my question is: Am I being unreasonable? Where am I going so wrong that he cannot tell me things because he thinks I will be mad if he does? He has never volunteered this info to me so doesn't actually know if I will be mad or not..... but because of how I have found out I have ended up being mad about it.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2021 14:55

He's a liar and a theif, and gaslighting you to boot. He's trying to make you feel responsible for his behaviour. It's bullshit and you can't possibly get rid of him fast enough. Raise your standards.

Hadalifeonce · 01/06/2021 14:56

Has he had a previous partner who would have been angry, and assumed you would be the same?
It took me quite a while to tell DH if something was wrong as a previous partner would basically day 'if you don't like it, you know what you can do'. Do I stopped complaining. D H found it annoying that I would let stuff fester, without saying anything.

Ifimight · 01/06/2021 14:57

What a prince. Dump and move on.

SnarkyBag · 01/06/2021 14:57

He sounds very immature that’s the sort of behaviour I’d expect from my kids, plus he’s lying about things you will inevitably find out about.

Letting you get to the point of being on the phone to fraud department is ridiculous I couldn’t be bothered with this long term and would question the relationship. Also lying and then letting you think it’s your fault fuck that. He’s behaving badly and here you are wondering how you’ve got it all so wrong. He’s done a right number on you

emptyplinth · 01/06/2021 14:59

I would not tolerate this shitty behaviour

Shoxfordian · 01/06/2021 14:59

He’s a thief so that should make it pretty obvious that you should end the relationship

TheBobJog · 01/06/2021 15:00

He sounds like a child.

OldTurtleNewShell · 01/06/2021 15:01

xH used to do this. It drove me crazy. Exactly the same story with the smoking but there were other things too.
Looking back, it was actually a major issue although I always felt like I was overreacting.
If you can't trust him to tell the truth on things that don't even matter, you certainly can't trust him to be honest about things that do.

SomewhereInAnotherLife · 01/06/2021 15:02

He’s making his lying and deceitfulness your problem. I sincerely doubt he thought you’d actually be ‘mad’ - it’s just a convenient excuse to make you think you’re the problem - poor him you’re a crazy harridan. The bonus being that it saves him actually taking responsibility for his shite decisions. He’s spineless and manipulative. I’d be rethinking this one.

Original poster
WhereTheSpiritMeetsTheBones · 01/06/2021 15:09

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your posts. It is so hard to have perspective as no matter the situation I always think I should have done something differently or it was my fault somehow. In regards to the relationship, he has good points as well and has done many kind things for me so I am never sure if I am overreacting to the bad things.

To clarify about the card - I had previously given the card to him to buy something and forgot to ask for it back (not my main account) so he had kept hold of my card until I noticed. I had always said to him, if you buy something else just let me know so I can make sure the account doesn't go into overdraft. So maybe he thought he had my permission to use it for himself but I guess if that was the case he should've just told me straight up.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 01/06/2021 15:12

Dump him. He’s a liar, a thief and avoidant enough to make authentic relating impossible.

Any attempt at continuing would be self-sabotage on your part and completely redundant.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2021 15:13

He knows you won't like something, does it anyway, then lies. Thereby making your consent to go out with his null and void. I might put up with a few things, but someone who doesn't respect my consent isn't one of them.

Umberellatheweatha · 01/06/2021 15:13

Can't be trusted, lies, gaslighter and tries to blame you for his shitty behaviour or why he cant be honest.

In the bin with this one. He has more issues than the big issue guy outside the local train station.

Sparklfairy · 01/06/2021 15:17

The thing with liars who try and turn it back onto you, if they really thought they weren't going anything wrong, they'd just own their behaviour. Not lie about it.

Original poster
WhereTheSpiritMeetsTheBones · 01/06/2021 15:20

@Hadalifeonce

Has he had a previous partner who would have been angry, and assumed you would be the same? It took me quite a while to tell DH if something was wrong as a previous partner would basically day 'if you don't like it, you know what you can do'. Do I stopped complaining. D H found it annoying that I would let stuff fester, without saying anything.
Honestly, I'm not sure. He has lied about so many strange things throughout our relationship I don't know what to believe. He has always maintained that his ex was awful, any problems were due to her etc, etc.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 15:22

The smoking I can give him a pass, a lot of people start again and hide it.

Thieving from you, nah mate, I’d be out.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2021 15:25

He has lied about so many strange things throughout our relationship I don't know what to believe.

Why, why, why are you still with him? He's shown you who he is all along, do you not believe it? Do you think you can fix him? Honestly, the mind boggles.

BobLemon · 01/06/2021 15:38

Your man has the intelligence of a peanut.

Squiggy · 01/06/2021 15:40

So, this way he gets the best of both ways.

You get annoyed at him about something ‘see this is why I never tell you! You always get mad!’

He doesn’t tell you and you find out ‘I thought you’d get mad’

Before you know it you’ve been trained to never react to anything he does because you’ve been trained that you are the problem and to do otherwise ‘scares’ him into lying.

It’s pure manipulation

WhiteVixen · 01/06/2021 15:41

He has always maintained that his ex was awful, any problems were due to her etc, etc

Why does this not surprise me? It's always the 'crazy ex' isn't it...

He a liar. End of. He will always lie. All the good points in the world would not outweigh being a lying shitbag.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 15:41

Once they start robbing you and you’re still in, you need to ask yourself why your standards are so low op.

Why is your issue that you’re believing the bullshit “you’d be mad” thing.

The man kept your card and was stealing from you. Honestly get rid and work in your self esteem.

Guavafish · 01/06/2021 15:45

He is a liar 🤥 and he is blaming you!

I don’t think it’s worth being in a relationship where you’ll never get the truth and you second guess yourself all the time. It sounds tiring and pointless.

Good luck

quizqueen · 01/06/2021 15:46

He steals from you and waited until you called the Fraud Squad before admitting it!!!! Out the door, he goes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2021 15:47

These blokes ALWAYS cheat as well eventually. Because they are so used to lying that there are no consequences to cheating.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 01/06/2021 15:49

@Squiggy

So, this way he gets the best of both ways.

You get annoyed at him about something ‘see this is why I never tell you! You always get mad!’

He doesn’t tell you and you find out ‘I thought you’d get mad’

Before you know it you’ve been trained to never react to anything he does because you’ve been trained that you are the problem and to do otherwise ‘scares’ him into lying.

It’s pure manipulation

And if you stay with him he will cheat on you with another woman.