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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I thought you would be mad

67 replies

WhereTheSpiritMeetsTheBones · 01/06/2021 14:52

Hi everyone

I am turning this issue over and over in my mind and need some help working out whether I am doing something wrong, or whether my partner is.

He has a habit of withholding info from me/lying and says that he didn't tell me because he "thought I would be mad"

Some examples:
-He is an ex smoker and started smoking again and didn't tell me because he thought I would be mad and end the relationship. He had started smoking again for many months but he only told me that he had started smoking again after we had a big argument about something else and were discussing whether we should actually continue our relationship or not. He was very angry and defensive about it and in his words, only told me because he assumed I was going to end the relationship anyway.
If I had known he was smoking again I would have been disappointed for him, I would've wanted to discuss why he started again, what support he needed, what was going wrong etc. I would not have been mad because I know its an addiction, but I would have wanted to address the issue. I was mad about the way I found out.

-He took my debit card and bought some things from the shop. I had no idea until I was reviewing the transactions and panicked thinking my card had been cloned. He denied all knowledge and waited until I was on hold to the fraud department, then told me he had made the transaction and didn't tell me because he thought I would be mad. If he had told me immediately after going to the shop, I wouldn't have been mad (but would have complained that he didn't buy me anything) but again, given how I found out, I was mad because it was such a stupid thing to lie about.

So my question is: Am I being unreasonable? Where am I going so wrong that he cannot tell me things because he thinks I will be mad if he does? He has never volunteered this info to me so doesn't actually know if I will be mad or not..... but because of how I have found out I have ended up being mad about it.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Tower134 · 01/06/2021 15:50

I had an ex like this. I think part of his issue was that he had a mum who was very controlling, easily angered and would sulk. It was like a defensive mechanism. He would literally lie about the smallest things as I think he grew up doing that to avoid her wrath. In the end I had to end the relationship. He literally made me feel like I was going mad at times.

AngusThermopyle · 01/06/2021 15:52

No way I'd put up with this at all.
I assume you live together?
Pack up and leave without telling him. When he realises and asks where you are, tell him you've left but didn't mention it incase he got mad.

Topseyt · 01/06/2021 16:01

I would certainly be furious with anyone (yes, even a family member) who took and used my bank cards without my permission. Why aren't you? He is stealing from you and making you think that you are overreacting to it!!

Even if I were to give someone permission to use my cards, they would have to have a bloody good reason for not using their own. DH and I never use each other's cards.

Smoking? Well my parents were always smokers and I hated it even though I grew up with it. My Dad, who was 87, died recently of COPD, which is smoking related. My 86 year old mother is still smoking like a chimney and also has COPD but even that doesn't seem to be motivating her to stop, or to even cut down. If anything she is now smoking more and more since my Dad died. It is an addiction and harder for some to kick permanently than others I suppose.

DH used to be a smoker when we were students but gave up before I even got pregnant with DD1, who has just turned 26. He hasn't had a cigarette in all of that time. I'd have been very disappointed if he had started again, but he is totally evangelical about not smoking and hates smokey atmospheres.

In your relationship it does sound as though he is trying to convince you that every problem, large or small, is your fault. Having some success there too.

curiouslypacific · 01/06/2021 16:06

So he's repeatedly lied to you. He then blames you for it, so clearly doesn't feel that lying to you is something he should change as he thinks it's your fault, not his (it's not btw). If he'd apologised and owned that he was wrong and promised to be open in future and I believed he wanted to change, fair enough, I might give him another chance.

How can you trust a liar that doesn't want to stop lying to you though? Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust?

It may seem stupid to break up with someone you love because they lied about a few little things, but it's really not. If they're willing to break your trust over something so pointless, they'll sure as shit not be honest about the important things. Trust and respect are the two things you cannot do without in a relationship - if either are lost it's time to walk.

StarCourt · 01/06/2021 16:17

He sounds like my .12 year old

VettiyaIruken · 01/06/2021 16:21

If he doesn't want to tell you because he thinks you'll be mad, maybe he should see that as a hint that he probably shouldn't do it.

It's extremely immature behaviour and quite off-putting.

WobblyMelon · 01/06/2021 17:01

He sounds like a compulsive liar , how do you know anything he says is ever true? I couldn’t be with someone like this

Gliblet · 01/06/2021 17:06

Nice bit of conditioning he's doing - he behaves in a way he knows is unacceptable, and when you find out he says he was 'afraid' you'd be angry, thus making it wrong for you to be angry about behaviour that he knows is unacceptable.

Unless he has a history in abusive relationships (i.e. on the receiving end) from parents or previous partners and actually has a reason to think you'd explode spectacularly and punish him, then it's a really nasty passive aggressive tactic to prevent you from dealing with his behaviour and to allow him to continue doing things he knows he shouldn't be doing.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/06/2021 17:12

He acts like a prick and then when he's found out he feeds you the "I thought you'd be mad" line? He's either making out it was to save your feelings and didn't want to upset you, or that he's such a delicate wee soul that he couldn't cope with your reaction. In reality he is untrustworthy and is trying to hide that fact from you.

IEat · 01/06/2021 17:27

Maybe he also didn’t tel you because he knew what questions you’d ask him
He’s an adult

Mumoblue · 01/06/2021 17:33

Little lies become big lies.
I agree with the others who say that these types of men usually end up cheating- mine did.

I can’t stand liars, even if it’s over something small.

Wearywithteens · 01/06/2021 17:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 01/06/2021 18:15

So he gets to do anything he wants but puts the whole blame on you for him not telling you as you will be mad.
This is just crazy OP. I hope you get clarity through reading the replies and dump the lying arse!

RosaMoline · 01/06/2021 18:20

I read this & it sent a chill down my spine! My ex BF did all those things - it could almost be the same bloke!
To summarise:
He used my debit card too to buy booze (he was a drinker and a smoker to boot) - he also took £20 from my purse.
He never had any money.
Those events, and numerous others he strenuously denied. Told me I was going mad!
He was an alcoholic & a nasty one at that. He physically, verbally and mentally assaulted me.
Like your man, there were many ‘gaps’ in his past history that couldn’t be explained. I never got to the real reason why he had not seen any of his children from about the age of 10 - they’re adults now, early 20s
Like your man, mine said his exes were the crazy ones and they attacked him. If he’s managed to lure another victim in, I have no doubt I’ve been painted as the villain of the peace.
I have gone full no contact with him for 14 months now, luckily he’s not local so there’s no chance of bumping into him.
I’ve had to call the police on him numerous times prior to this.
Like everyone said, get out now, block, change your locks, delete and if he gets nasty, inform old bill.
Good luck x

FictionalCharacter · 01/06/2021 18:42

"Where am I going so wrong" - stop it! Why on earth are you blaming yourself? He's a chronic liar and spent your money without your permission. Where is your self respect?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/06/2021 18:58

My ex did this.

I tried to explain that if wanted to do something he knew would make me genuinely upset, he needed to either decide do it but tell me so that I could make an informed decision from my side as to whether I wanted to stay or walk or not do it because he didn't want to upset me or felt that my stance was unfair.

Funnily enough he preferred the wildcard option three - doing stuff that he knew would upset me, lying about it and then admit it but say he "couldn't" tell me because I would have been upset...

Yes I would have been very angry had I know about all the cheating he did, the poor lamb.

Worse in a way that your partner seems to do it about everything from trivial to bigger stuff. Compulsive liar?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/06/2021 19:00

He has lied about so many strange things throughout our relationship I don't know what to believe.

You CANNOT have a healthy relationship with this man. It's impossible. Why are you with him still when you know he's a liar?!

5475878237NC · 01/06/2021 19:02

He is chronically selfish and conflict avoidant so puts all responsibility onto you by withholding information so you cannot make any informed decisions about your life.

He is a terrible partner!

Whythesadface · 01/06/2021 19:07

Without trust there is no relationship.

Namechangeforthis2021 · 01/06/2021 19:10

So he is a liar, a thief (he stole your card -did transactions without your knowledge) and he gaslights you -WTF. LTB now.

MrsBobDylan · 01/06/2021 19:55

Unless he is a delinquent teenager and you are him Mum, you really shouldn't be putting up with this shit.

There is a better life out there, go and find it.

ScabbyHorse · 01/06/2021 23:18

Sociopaths lie in this way.

BlueButtercups · 02/06/2021 01:18

@Aquamarine1029

He's a liar and a theif, and gaslighting you to boot. He's trying to make you feel responsible for his behaviour. It's bullshit and you can't possibly get rid of him fast enough. Raise your standards.

Yes to all of the above

Maskedrevenger · 02/06/2021 01:41

He tells you outright lies, he lies by omission and says it’s your fault he can’t tell you the truth, this is who is actually is he won’t be embarrassed to be caught out in a lie he’ll either just try harder to conceal something next time or he’ll be so brazen about it he almost dares you to challenge him about the lie.
They lie about everything big or small important or unimportant and every time you don’t catch them at it they think” they have got away with it”.
It gets to the point that if he said it was raining you would need to look out the window to be sure.
Do you want to live a life where you can’t trust a word he says, he said he did the online shop did he, will you have food coming or not? He said he put petrol in the car did he, or are you going to have to double check so that you don’t get stuck in the middle of nowhere?
He said he renewed the house or car insurance, or paid the council tax or any thing really but did he, it’s exhausting living like this.

JungleIsMassive · 02/06/2021 01:56

After reading the OP, I'm presuming he has had a difficult up bringing?

Sometimes when childhood or early adulthood is traumatising you stop growing up mentally because your brain just goes into survival mode. Sounds like this may have happened to him.

He need professional help to deal with his feelings of rejection and failure.

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