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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What Have I Done :-((((

53 replies

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 07:08

Was going to name change but haven't got the energy

Just need to offload really:

Dh and I seperated in 2001 for about a year and got back together 2002. 3 kids and I had pretty bad PND although I was in denial
Anyway I went off the rails completley for quite a bit of that year (drink, drugs ect...) I was stupid and had a fling while working at a pub

When dh and I got back together there was some gossip about me and this fling... I denied it, and denied it and denied it. I was 99.9 % sure that if dh was to know the truth we would not stay together so I didn't want to take the risk.

So we got past it, he believed me (although deep down he still had doubts) We moved on and had 2 more children. I carried the guilt which I deserved

The other night dh went round to my sisters who was drunk and feeling sorry for herself, they got on to a conversation about me, pub work ect... and dh bought up the subject of the 'fling'
When he asked her she said 'I can't say anything' Which is pretty much a yes it happened

So the shit hit the fan when he came home, I crumbled and finally admitted it had happened

Now trying to cope with the fall out.
He is amazingly still here and for that I count my lucky stars. If it was the other way round and it was me finding out that he had had a fling I would be gone and never come back so finding it hard to understand how he can look at me, touch me, talk to me???

I have hurt him so much

Got to go, kids awake. Thanks for listening x

OP posts:

systemsaddict · 19/11/2007 07:47

Hi, I didn't want to see this go unreplied to and I know things sometimes move slower in the mornings. I know it feels really crap now but at least everything is now out in the open. He is still there, you can work through this, it all happened a long time ago and was while you were separated. People work through things like this and worse all the time. It sounds like you two have got through a lot together already, and with time you will be able to get through this too.

phdlifeneedsanewlife · 19/11/2007 07:52

I hope you can understand why you lied - because you wanted, and still want, him most of all.

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 07:56

Thats exactly why I led

He has just phoned from work and is in pieces

He keeps wanting to know details..... It isn't that I have stuff to hide but I really feel it will be soul destroying for him know avery little detail Ive been honest when telling him it was only a fling, it wasn't intimate, or a relationship, there was no 'dating' or even txting ect... it was just drunken sex over every so often

OP posts:

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 07:56

led = lied

OP posts:

Flame · 19/11/2007 08:01

He knows that you were off the rails with the PND, drink and drugs.

As much as I have always been the kind of "you cheat on me, I cut your balls off and throw you out", I think that even I would reconsider that stance given your circumstances.

When did the fling happen - on the break, when you got back together or what? If when you got back together, how long after and how long for? (Sorry for all the questions, trying to get a clear idea of how he is feeling iyswim)

With the not wanting to go over the details - I would want to know, even though it would hurt more, it would be better than a lifetime of imagining.

ggglimpopo · 19/11/2007 08:03

Maybe relate or somewhere is the place to talk to him - with a third party in the room.

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 08:08

It was when we were seperated.

He has got this image in his head of me and this person being a 'couple' I have told him it wasn't like that at all and If I am honest I can't actually remember the circumstances leading up to the fling. I really wasn't dealing with life very well at the time
That isn't an excuse though, I take full blame for what happened I am a grown adult and wasn't taken advantage of

OP posts:

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 08:09

I thought about relate but it would need to be free as money is tight

OP posts:

Flame · 19/11/2007 08:10

At the end of the day, the lying about it is more of an issue for me rather than the fling (you were seperated, it isn't like you were off out with another man and coming home to him iyswim).

I agree, relate or something to help build up the trust again.

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 08:12

I know, Its just the seperation was on my part, he never wanted it and he says he never felt seperated from me

Will suggest relate when he gets home.

OP posts:

Scootergrrrl · 19/11/2007 08:14

He obviously cares about you very much, as you do him, to go through all this and still want to work it out. He's bound to be hurt but it was five years ago and hopefully you can get through it.
I agree with Flame - I would be more hurt by the lying than the fling but you obviously did it for the very best of reasons.
Good luck x

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 08:18

Thank you

The other problem is this 'person' is still around and is living with a friend of mine so it's like it will never go away.

I am working at a pub at the moment where my friend is also working so am going to give it up I don't see 'him' very often but dh knows I may bump into him and I think that kills him

OP posts:

Paddlechick666 · 19/11/2007 08:31

i have experienced severe depression in my H (now separated) where he behaved really badly.

from the other side of the fence, there is a morbid need to know all the details. it's so you can try to figure out for yourself why the other person did what they did.

i also know that it's difficult to remember details when you're in that depressed, destructive place.

the problem is, the other person not being able to remember or justify why they did what they did makes it really really hard to move on from.

i would strongly suggest counselling for you both together and separately. i have had counselling and i understand now that sometimes there just isn't a viable reason and sometimes you're just never going to know why. when you understand that you can move on. either get past it or not but stop torturing yourself with the "need to know".

i say this just to try and help you see your DH's perspective on this now. you've lived with the guilt and you've come thru your depression and it seems a long time ago for you now. for him it's immediate and very very much in the present.

please try to be as patient as you can be with his questions. try to answer them as honestly as you can but don't get too far into the "gory" details either iyswim.

talk talk talk talk talk talk talk and do all that you can to reassure him that you are sorry and will do whatever you can to put things right.

he needs to know you are comitted to fixing things, that you will remain comitted and supportive for as long as it takes for him to put this behind him.

counselling will help you both do this.

you were on a break and that might be some justification for your not feeling 100% guilty or in the wrong, but i wouldn't advise using that as an excuse either.

a big part of the betrayal he feels now will be your denial of the fling for so long.

he needs to be sure that you are comitted to rebuilding the trust in your relationship.

good luck, i really hope you guys work things out. just dig in for the long haul and expect it to be tough.

can he take some time off work this week so you guys can just talk for a while?

btw, H and I are still separated because he has failed to do all of the above and has constantly run away despite all my efforts at forgiveness etc. his issues are huge but one of them is his inability to forgive himself.....

Walnutshell · 19/11/2007 08:35

Good post paddle. Magnolia, I hope you can work things out and suspect you might have to prepare for this to take some time. Third party support would be so beneficial in moving the process along. Good luck.

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 09:10

Paddle, thank you so much for posting.

I have found it hard over the past few years to show dh the love and attention he deserves It seesm as if there was an invisible wall there, maybe it is my guilt and possibly not forgiving myself that contributes to this???

How quick can we get counselling? Can we do it via nhs? Money is so tight I don't think I can pay relate

OP posts:

Dior · 19/11/2007 09:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 09:28

Have just spoke to him and he refuses to involve a 3rd party He thinks that now am trying too hard and have something to hide
Feel like I can't win, If I try then I'm guilty if I don't then I don't care!

Maybe just me and him talking will be enough, I hope so

I may talk to gp about counselling for me, I have other issues that affect how I am so maybe it wouldn't hurt. He may change his mind further on down the line.....

OP posts:

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 09:30

Wanted to say thanks...... I can't offload on him obviously, I don't really have a reason for feeling so when it's him that has every reason to feel sad, angry, betrayed..... Its great to have mn ladies to talk to x

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Walnutshell · 19/11/2007 09:36

Don't forget that this is about the two of you. It would not be healthy if you were to continue your relationship with you cast in the role of bad-guy forevermore. It's about finding a way that you can both live with what has happened - hopefully that is possible for you both.

Trying too hard? Well, I suppose you could tell him that yes you are trying because you want to make things better and ask him what he would like to do?

Dior · 19/11/2007 09:44

Message withdrawn

Paddlechick666 · 19/11/2007 09:49

WS is spot on. You can't fall into roles of guilty party and never ending forgiver. That's why you do need to decide when and how to draw the line and move on.

You could do this alone with lots of talking but I really think a mediation service of some sort is teh way to go. You will see progress so much quicker.

Your DH will probably swing thru all sorts of emotions and he will have angry outbursts. Your job at this point is to try to be as understanding as you can be, do what he needs you to do and weather the storms of his emotions.

As long as you stay consistent in your assurances then after a little while as the emotions subside a bit he will recognise that you have not deviated from either your honesty or your remorse or your comittment.

You can ask the GP for some counselling yourself which will be NHS but mediation thru Relate or someone else should be means tested and you may get a reduced rate.

Having sais all this, it's important not to fall into those roles I mentioned earlier. You cannot forever be the guilty party, at some stage he has to decide if he can forgive you and you must forgive yourself then you can work on your future as a couple.

Hang in there, there's no doubt it will be tough for you (and him) but if your marriage is important to you, you will find a way.

Dior · 19/11/2007 09:50

Message withdrawn

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 09:50

He says he just wants me to show him I love him and be there for him...... I think I am probably suffocating him I just don't want to seem to be carrying on as normal in case he thinks I don't care.....

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 19/11/2007 09:52

I can see how he must feel

The lie is as bad if not worse than the event in a way. I guess he feels a total mug and that you have been living a lie.

I suggest you give him every detail, write it down if necessary, about what happened and how you felt about it. Then you will have to take responsibility and bear the consequences of your actions and let him go through the anger, pain etc that he will inevitably feel. If you can just be there for him without reacting badly towards him that will help a lot.

You also have to appreciate that he will not know what to believe - if you have lied to him for this long why would he believe that you are now telling the truth? It takes a long time and a lot of effort to rebuild trust.

If you can persuade him to go to relate or similar I think it would help enormously. Not sure how you go about convincing him, I guess you have to tell him that you don't know how to deal with all this and need some help and that he does too.

Good luck

Original poster

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 09:52

Awww paddle, thank you It must be so very tough seeing it from the other side but still managing to give such good advice..

OP posts:

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