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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What Have I Done :-((((

53 replies

magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 07:08

Was going to name change but haven't got the energy

Just need to offload really:

Dh and I seperated in 2001 for about a year and got back together 2002. 3 kids and I had pretty bad PND although I was in denial
Anyway I went off the rails completley for quite a bit of that year (drink, drugs ect...) I was stupid and had a fling while working at a pub

When dh and I got back together there was some gossip about me and this fling... I denied it, and denied it and denied it. I was 99.9 % sure that if dh was to know the truth we would not stay together so I didn't want to take the risk.

So we got past it, he believed me (although deep down he still had doubts) We moved on and had 2 more children. I carried the guilt which I deserved

The other night dh went round to my sisters who was drunk and feeling sorry for herself, they got on to a conversation about me, pub work ect... and dh bought up the subject of the 'fling'
When he asked her she said 'I can't say anything' Which is pretty much a yes it happened

So the shit hit the fan when he came home, I crumbled and finally admitted it had happened

Now trying to cope with the fall out.
He is amazingly still here and for that I count my lucky stars. If it was the other way round and it was me finding out that he had had a fling I would be gone and never come back so finding it hard to understand how he can look at me, touch me, talk to me???

I have hurt him so much

Got to go, kids awake. Thanks for listening x

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 19/11/2007 09:52

oh also

If there is anything else you haven't told him fgs get it out of the way now.

Dior · 19/11/2007 09:53

Message withdrawn

CountessDracula · 19/11/2007 09:54
Hmm
Walnutshell · 19/11/2007 09:54

Ah, now I see why Paddle's post are so insightful and useful. I hope you are able to rebuild your relationship one day at a time Mag. At this stage it's probably your time to stay calm and reassuring and accept some flak but as I said, that doesn't need to be the case for the rest of your relationship - it can get better.

Original poster
magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 09:56

The proble Cd is that if I am honest I don't remember small details which make sit worse... I was so very messed up/drunk/on drugs/whatever that Life just blurred from one day into the next with me on auto pilot.

I did have days when I was not drinking or anything and these were the days I spent with the kids and sometimes dh... so he never really realised what was happening... I hid it all very well from everyone except those around me when drunk ect...

OP posts:
Walnutshell · 19/11/2007 09:56

Good idea from Dracula, write it down - after all you have done it here and hopefully it has helped you. I expect you will need to give him some space to read whatever you write before expecting a response.

Walnutshell · 19/11/2007 09:57

"I was so very messed up/drunk/on drugs/whatever that Life just blurred from one day into the next with me on auto pilot." - that's OK - tell him that. Just be honest from now on and you will be doing your best.

Dior · 19/11/2007 09:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster
magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 09:59

He does know that now, he never realised before that I had taken drugs and it's not something I will repeat ever again!

His main problem is that he can't get past thinking of it as a relationship rather than blatant drunk induced sex which it was.... I know there is nothing I can do apart from tell him that but of course he finds it hard to accept

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 19/11/2007 09:59

OK so if that is the truth then you must say so

You still need to tell him everything that you do remember, maybe writing it down will jog your memory. Bits you can't remember you will just have to leave. Realise that he will find it hard to believe that you don't remember, from his side of the fence he must feel that you were doing something so out of the ordinary that it must be indelibly printed on your mind.

Maybe counselling will help him accept that that is not necessarily the case.

CountessDracula · 19/11/2007 10:01

I should imagine the way to show him that it wasn't a relationship is to tell him in detail what it was

Imagine if it was you, your mind would be whirring and you would be filling in the gaps for yourself, albeit incorrectly. That is why you must tell him all so that he doesn't have to imagine what might have been.

don#t just tell him what you did, tell him how you felt about it and the state of mind you were in at the time to make you do it

Original poster
magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 10:01

I agree counselling will help...it's just getting him to see that

OP posts:
Dior · 19/11/2007 10:02

Message withdrawn

Original poster
magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 10:05

God no it wasn't but I should have had faith in him instead of thinking he would be unable to cope with the truth

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 19/11/2007 10:06

Hopefully he will come round to it

He has to want to fix things, at the moment he is in a terrible raw place where I should imagine he can't see a way out

You need to talk and talk

Dior · 19/11/2007 10:06

Message withdrawn

Wisteria · 19/11/2007 10:09

Hi, sorry you're going through this but think you're very lucky to have your dh - I think the deal here is to be unflinchingly honest from hereonin with your dh, about everything.

Tell him that you can't remember details if you can't, because you were off your face. It won't be great for a while but once all the cards are on the table it will be time for apologies, forgiveness and the future.

I think he will need to know details, it is natural and, although terribly difficult for you to admit things that you sound ashamed of, if you are completely open and honest, he will see your regret - if you continue to shy away from the questions then he will probably never be able to trust you again.

Keep talking, allow him his natural reactions, then once everything is out in the open start to talk about moving forwards. Once he has accepted the situation and if he still wants to be with you then it will be time to draw a line under the whole period and not mention it again, there are techniques for this but you are quite a way off yet.

All the best and I hope you pull through this.

QuintessentialShadow · 19/11/2007 10:15

Magnolia, you are very brave, and I am sorry to hear what you are going through. (This is StarryStarryNight, btw)

I think the thing to focus on is that when you had the fling, your relationship with your dh had broken down. You were separated. This upheaval to your life sent you flying right down to rock bottom. He cannot blame you for the fling, you were depressed, your marriage was over, you sought some comfort, well a lot of comfort, drink drugs and uncomitted sex. But whatever you did helped you get through from day to day, right? It might not have been the best solution, but you did it and cant change it.

They only thing you are guilty of is lying to your dh about this fling. But this you did because you were scared of losing him.
Your marriage breakup caused the fling, your fear of losing the man you loved (again) caused the lie.

Let the details be forever buried, he does not need to know. What he needs to know is that you love him.

Maybe now that this is out in the open can you move on, show your man how much you love him, without guilt, or barriers.

But you also need to let him him have a little space, to gather his thoughts. You just have to sit tight, and not let the lump in your stomach overwhelm you too much.

I hope to see you again in the post Christmas evening out late January, in Richmond?

Original poster
magnolia74 · 19/11/2007 10:36

I forgot I see some of you out of mn Oh well no point hiding it.
Thank you, you have described it exactly how it was and I may try explaining it to dh in the same way.

I will be there in January Hopefully a bit happier x

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 19/11/2007 10:47

Do be careful

He may not accept that you lied to protect him and your relationship, he may see it as you trying to protect yourself and get angry if you try and say otherwise.

Wisteria · 19/11/2007 10:58

Not too sure about the details being forever buried to be honest (although it depends what sort of details he is requesting)- I think he may need to know that he can ask the questions and get an honest answer in order to move forwards. Had you not already lied to him then that may well have been acceptable but there is a much bigger bridge to build now because of the subsequent lie.

To be honest, as the injured party, I think your dh is entitled to ask you whatever he wants for a while.

What you did is not that unusual and you were going through some strange emotions at the time. If it were me in your dh's position I would need to know the truth now. Once it is all out in the open then you can request that a line be drawn under it and try to move on.

Paddlechick666 · 20/11/2007 13:42

How's it going Wisteria?

trulymadlydeeply · 20/11/2007 20:43

Why don't you go to relate alone to start with? When I went, they asked for a contribution based on ability to pay, so you don't have to pay much if you can't afford to. I then managed to get DH to go by saying that my counsellor wanted to hear his side of our story in order for her to help me, and he agreed to go.

Hope you make it - keep us posted!

Wisteria · 21/11/2007 11:45

fine ta

Original poster
magnolia74 · 21/11/2007 15:47

Things are ok (ish) it's up and down as to be expected... Dh has taken the week off work. We are talking loads although thats sometimes hard for him

I want to move away, everything is right on our door step so to speak and I feel like it will never go away

OP posts:
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