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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

bf has gone quiet

64 replies

crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 08:32

sorry for the long message - Everything was fine with my bf, texting/calls were equal and daily etc. he called me to say he was being sent to hospital and would keep in touch, which he did. day after he said things were bad and stopped really replying, said he was tired and had a bit of go at me for texting and said we maybe should split.

next morning he said he needed space to sort his health. I tried to find out if we were OK and what did 'space' mean to him. but he said by messaging I was pushing him away.

we have been together a year and last few months have been tough for him.

I left him alone yesterday bar a morning msg to say hope he was OK and afternoon to ask if he was still in hospital. he replied with a short message, no chit chat.

I understand he may need space but feel really pushed out, I'm worried about him and don't know whats going on with us.

should I leave him be, is this normal behaviour? I will feel really anxious doing this if I don't know where I stand. or should I text to say we are a couple, how I feel, not to push me away?

I know this is a small problem.but I spent yesterday in tears worrying about him and not knowing.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 31/05/2021 08:37

Sorry op but I think he's met someone else
Sounds a bit like he's using 'the script'

crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 08:57

but we were fine the day before. why wouldn't he just tell the truth?

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 31/05/2021 09:00

Sounds like hes freaked out about a medical problem. I'm not sure it's about you

fedup078 · 31/05/2021 09:01

Well I could be wrong but either way he's being a shit . Even if he really does have health problems that's no reason to ignore you and threaten to split just because you contact him
I know a lot of ppl having affairs use the health card to 'get space' although it's usually mental health

crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 09:01

@hazelnutlatteplease what would u suggest I do?

OP posts:
fedup078 · 31/05/2021 09:02

What the medical thing totally out of the blue or is it something you already knew about?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 31/05/2021 09:08

He's asked for space, that actually isnt unreasonable, you need to respect that. I'd send a message saying if he wanted to talk you were there for him but you'll leave him in peace. I'd then get on with living your life and I'd put the relationship on the back burner.

The only way you get certainty is to dump him now

CatsGoPurrrr · 31/05/2021 09:10

He’s asked for space. You give it to him. And tbh, assume the relationship is over and start to move on.

crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 09:10

he doesn't have very good health in general which I knew about.

I agree he's being crap. which is why Im so anxious. I want to message saying if we're a couple we should be staying in touch a bit. I've already said I'll give him some space but tbh I'm struggling because of the uncertainty 😕. my thoughts are you can give space without totally cutting contact? I don't want to over react tho and think if I text that it can only go 2 ways, well or dumped.

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 31/05/2021 09:10

If I was in hospital I wouldn't want to be texting all the time, sounds like you were hassling him and he got pissed off with it

SarahBellam · 31/05/2021 09:11

He asked for space. Give him space.

Thinkaboutthings · 31/05/2021 09:11

What is he in hospital for?

Sally872 · 31/05/2021 09:14

I would give him the benefit of the doubt because he is ill. There is a good chance this is about him and not your relationship.

Give him space because he has asked for it. After 4 or 5 days maybe a casual text checking in.

It is hard to be patient when this is so important to you but whatever the issue is will come out soon, then you can think about next steps.

stairgates · 31/05/2021 09:17

Give him a few days or no contact, let him contact you but be prepared it may be the end of things.

baileys6904 · 31/05/2021 09:18

He's asked for space, repeatedly, and you keep messaging him. I know that you feel that you can't cope not knowing, but he's in or bene in hospital and needs to look after himself first. I'm not sure your needs trump his right now.
Just let him be and get on with your life. If he comes back, perfect.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 31/05/2021 09:29

Actually I dont think he's being inherently crap. Hes made it clear where he is. I agree if you put pressure on him I think you'll find yourself dumped. I dont think he can give you the certainty you need.

It's not unreasonable to walk away from someone who cant meet your needs. It's not always the case that someone is the bad guy for a relationship to end. Sometimes your respective needs arent compatible.

But personally I couldn't even consider continuing a relationship with someone who was unable to give me space when I needed it.

If you message it keep it light, "how you doing", "anything you need" "let me know if you fancy a visitor any time"

But actually I would literally send the following "if you wants to talk me I'm here for you day of night, but otherwise you'll leave him in peace". He then knows he actually has to actively message you if he wants to hear from you.

You have to be a bit lasissez faire about the relationship continuing. Atm it isnt a priority for him so you have to not make it a priority for you atm either.

WatieKatie · 31/05/2021 09:32

As difficult as it is OP you need to just leave him alone. Who knows what’s going on with him but he’s given you a clear message, he needs space. Respect his boundaries.

He’ll come back in his own time. However you need to put in place discipline not to contact him and also reflect on whether this is the guy for you. Dig deep.

crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 09:57

thank you for all your advice

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 31/05/2021 10:06

It's a mental health thing, isn't it ? You need to let him be.

crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 10:07

no. he has been struggling a bit with bad mental health but has spoken to me thru it all. this is another medical thing.

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 31/05/2021 10:09

Is this the same guy that was arsing about in Feb ?

sammylady37 · 31/05/2021 10:12

He told you he needed space. You didn’t give it to him. He then told you that you were actually pushing him away by messaging. And your response was to message twice more.

He’s in hospital. He’s entitled to prioritise himself right now. Give him the space he needs and has clearly asked for. Otherwise he will dump you.

crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 10:21

@mrsmaizel he did have a big thing in Feb but we have been fine since.

I have no issue giving someone space, I just feel like he should say to me its his health and we're fine or everything is too much and he's not sure about us. so I know where I stand.

I guess that's maybe what he tried to do saying we should maybe split 🤔 But I feel that might just be a reaction to bad health news, to push me away.

I'm leaning towards telling him how I feel. if it breaks us then I suppose I will know. I don't really want to be pushed aside and left in limbo every time something big/bad happens his life. at the same time I feel bad at annoying someone who might be pretty ill or had bad news. but again, why can't I be kept in the loop a little? arghh

he is out of hospital now.

OP posts:
Hullish · 31/05/2021 10:25

Why are you going to text him again pouring your heart out?

You need to find your self respect, I mean that kindly but my god the man either genuinely needs space and you keep texting him, or he’s giving you the brush off and you’re begging for crumbs.

Just stop texting him, give it three days -
If he doesn’t get in touch you know where you stand. Texting him again will not end well, he knows how you feel you need to leave him alone for a while.

MzHz · 31/05/2021 10:28

@Hullish

Why are you going to text him again pouring your heart out?

You need to find your self respect, I mean that kindly but my god the man either genuinely needs space and you keep texting him, or he’s giving you the brush off and you’re begging for crumbs.

Just stop texting him, give it three days -
If he doesn’t get in touch you know where you stand. Texting him again will not end well, he knows how you feel you need to leave him alone for a while.

This!

You’re acting like an obsessive fan, leave him alone and if he doesn’t contact you, move on.

This is no way to allow someone to treat you! Have some self respect!