Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

bf has gone quiet

64 replies

crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 08:32

sorry for the long message - Everything was fine with my bf, texting/calls were equal and daily etc. he called me to say he was being sent to hospital and would keep in touch, which he did. day after he said things were bad and stopped really replying, said he was tired and had a bit of go at me for texting and said we maybe should split.

next morning he said he needed space to sort his health. I tried to find out if we were OK and what did 'space' mean to him. but he said by messaging I was pushing him away.

we have been together a year and last few months have been tough for him.

I left him alone yesterday bar a morning msg to say hope he was OK and afternoon to ask if he was still in hospital. he replied with a short message, no chit chat.

I understand he may need space but feel really pushed out, I'm worried about him and don't know whats going on with us.

should I leave him be, is this normal behaviour? I will feel really anxious doing this if I don't know where I stand. or should I text to say we are a couple, how I feel, not to push me away?

I know this is a small problem.but I spent yesterday in tears worrying about him and not knowing.

OP posts:
Nietzschethehiker · 31/05/2021 10:32

It's hard to tell without knowing the type of messages really. We're they checking on him or seeking your own reassurance?

Honestly though if I had been hospitalised and my DP made it all about them feeling lonely and pushed out and then on my discharge started a deep and meaningful about their needs I would be off like a shot.

That said its hard to tell without content. I do think sending him long winded texts or having deep and meaning ful conversations with him right now might push him to say goodbye. Whether right or wrong I suspect he will just walk away and it depends if you want that to happen.

Eviethyme · 31/05/2021 10:33

You say you've been fine since but it's only been 3 months since Feb.

Honestly I couldn't be bothered with games. He either wants to be with you or doesn't but wtf is space? Fair enough asking to cut contact down a little but it's not fair to just lead you along he needs to be decisive if he means a week of less talking or months and he should still keep you up to date

I would ltb to be honest

Original poster
crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 10:52

I'm fine for someone needing space.

I would have been fine if he hadn't mentioned possibly splitting.  messages were normal until he said he needed space then my initial message was really, we're we still OK (as he'd not answered previously)  how long roughly and did he mean no contact or still the odd text.

as I said I'm happy to give him space just think he should say what his intentions are. it was him who brought it up not me.

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 31/05/2021 10:52

[quote crazycatlady20]@mrsmaizel he did have a big thing in Feb but we have been fine since.

I have no issue giving someone space, I just feel like he should say to me its his health and we're fine or everything is too much and he's not sure about us. so I know where I stand.

I guess that's maybe what he tried to do saying we should maybe split 🤔 But I feel that might just be a reaction to bad health news, to push me away.

I'm leaning towards telling him how I feel. if it breaks us then I suppose I will know. I don't really want to be pushed aside and left in limbo every time something big/bad happens his life. at the same time I feel bad at annoying someone who might be pretty ill or had bad news. but again, why can't I be kept in the loop a little? arghh

he is out of hospital now.

[/quote]
It shouldn't be as difficult as this . Know when to cut your losses and move on .

Original poster
crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 10:54

@MzHz you say its no way to let someone treat you.

is it not worse to let someone just drop contact for days then pick up when they come back than tell them how u feel or what u need?

if it doesn't match what they need then fine part ways?

OP posts:
Original poster
crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 10:56

@mrsmaizel I think I know this. the hospital thing is putting me off.

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 31/05/2021 10:59

[quote crazycatlady20]@mrsmaizel I think I know this. the hospital thing is putting me off. [/quote]
You have been told this as many times on the dating thread .

Hullish · 31/05/2021 11:02

It’s not about you!!

You’re hoping if you text him again he’ll tell you everything is fine and he wants to be with you - he won’t, he will sigh and roll his eyes because you’ve text him again.

If it’s genuinely health related, he will get back in touch when he’s feeling better, he is allowed space to do that and focus on his health.

If he’s trying to end it, you can’t force him to be honest! You can CHOOSE to leave him to it, and if he then gets in touch in a few days YOU decide if that’s the behaviour you’re willing to accept.

Original poster
crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 11:06

@mrsmaizel I know.

@hullish thank you

OP posts:
Hullish · 31/05/2021 11:10

You are worth so much more, you really are but you won’t find it while you’re worrying about him.

Good luck x

SVRT19674 · 31/05/2021 11:10

I´m sorry OP, I would leave over this kind of repeated behaviour. I am in his life or not. Move on. Too many mind games.

Original poster
crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 11:20

thank you

OP posts:
WhoisRebecca · 31/05/2021 11:24

If I was in hospital I would want my dp (now DH). He would be a support for me. I wouldn’t want space - because he’s someone I care about. Asking for space is never a sign that the relationship is healthy. You don’t have to be in each other’s pockets, but he sounds irritated by you rather than seeing you as a comfort when he’s going through a bad time. I’ve been there, done that and honestly- I would just get rid.

Sandra15 · 31/05/2021 11:28

From a crazy cat lady here to another - all those telling you to keep your self respect, and that you deserve better, well yes they are right, but this is, I think, an established relationship, not someone you are 'talking to' on an online dating platform isn't it? And you are entitled to proper answers, not half arsed ones. In a good relationship, you are there for each other through illness and problems like this.

It's a gamble, but you could say to him that whilst you don't doubt his problems are real, you suspect that he's weaponising these because he wants to end things and doesn't have the bottle. Wish him well, end the relationship, and say that (if you want to that is) when he's feeling up to it and if you're free and of a mind to you could pick things up. He's either not in the right headspace for a relationship, or he's arsing about.

Good luck.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 31/05/2021 11:32

Agree with Sandra. Give him the space he’s after and move on. If he wants to he’ll be in touch and you can talk about things then, but for now he’s making it clear that he doesn’t want or need your support, which says to me he’s not that into you. Sorry.

Original poster
crazycatlady20 · 31/05/2021 11:41

@whoisrebecca that's what I think. I'd want my oh to speak to, keep me company I think. altho never been in the situation. I also don't think everyone is the same and think he does tend to pull away from everyone when things are bad. just hate he mentioned splitting and put me in a tiz.

@sandra15 yeah but it's not always been great. I don't want to split and we have had convos recently about where we're going so even tho he mentioned it don't think he does want to.

I messaged a fairy mundane q there and he answered quickly altho short. not sure if that's a good sign.

OP posts:
Hullish · 31/05/2021 12:59

So you’ve text him again, and you’re still no further forward and still don’t know what’s going on, other than you’ve been the one to text him again despite him asking for space?

Do you see what we’re all trying to say? If you don’t text him and he comes to you, then you know it’s because he wants you and him to work.

Please, please just take a step back and see what’s going on here. Is this relationship of a few months really worth it?

PinkPoloMint · 31/05/2021 13:05

He isn't treating you very well ... I'd cut my losses OP.. relationships shouldn't be THIS hard in the 1st year.. seriously 🌺

Notagain20 · 31/05/2021 13:13

You sound incredibly insecure, OP, and I know how painful that can be, I'm sure you are desperate to know how he really feels about you. This is probably partly about your own lack of self assurance and partly about his crap inconsistent communication. A dreadful combination and bound to wreak absolute havoc on your happiness. Why do you think this is the best you can do in terms of a relationship? Get yourself some clarity by taking control - tell him this isn't working for you (it clearly isn't), wish him well and move on. Spend some time single and work on your confidence and assertiveness. Good luck OP.

amylou8 · 31/05/2021 13:17

This would be a deal breaker for me. Alone time is fine, but if you're in a relationship with someone you're there for each other when the shit hits the fan. You're trying to be there for him, but he's cutting you off.

IAmFleshIAmBone · 31/05/2021 13:25

Give him all the space he wants, in fact I would delete his number. Nobody needs so much space from their partner that they can't manage a friendly text/an update on their health etc. If he's reconsidering the relationship then that's his choice but don't be there waiting at his beck and call, or beg him for attention. You really deserve better than this.

Dontletitbeyou · 31/05/2021 13:29

Have you heard of the saying ‘ if you love someone set them free , if they come back to you then it was meant to be ‘
He’s asked for space , he’s mentioned splitting up which means it’s on his mind . Get out there , get on with life .
Someone who is out and about , having fun , showing independence is 1000 times more attractive that someone who is acting clingy. If he is having any kind of doubts , being needy is going to push him further away, if he sees you getting out there and enjoying yourself he will see what he will be missing if you see what I mean

justasking111 · 31/05/2021 13:46

Please leave him be I have some serious health issues just now and want to be left alone my husband has respected this.

Bumzoo · 31/05/2021 13:55

Stop messaging him.

KateTheEighth · 31/05/2021 14:15

It really shouldn't be this hard

You shouldn't be over thinking every message, every reply

Leave him alone, move on and find a less complicated relationship

This won't get any better