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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp told me to f off, right off

54 replies

WhyMrsRobinson · 29/05/2021 09:56

Ok he’s stressed at work and been picking fights all day. Stupidly tried to defend myself. Later he swears at me because his stupidly expensive phone wouldn’t charge. And I wasn’t sympathetic enough. ( I am so tired of being sympathetic) But we were getting ready to take dd for a birthday dinner. All I could say was, ‘ but it’s dds birthday, don’t get cross ‘ or something equally pathetic - I didn’t want to add fuel.
I told him later we had to make it up for dd. She was on stairs and had heard everything and was all closed off body language wise. Ds heard it too.Great!

It was ok in the end and Dp perked up a bit. And a good time was had, but this morning I don’t know how to deal. I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I find someone telling me to ‘just f right off’ has really got to me. I’ve been listening patiently to his daily moans and complaints about his job and have explained it’s exhausting, which he doesn’t seem to get. Or does, but 5 minutes later off we go again.
He seems to do this once a year or so.
Couldnt face chatting to him this morning.
Am I overreacting? I don’t think I am. And I don’t know how to feel, never mind act. And how to deal with children (young teens) do I say something? Or let it lie.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 29/05/2021 09:58

Id leave to be honest. Nobody speaks to me like that.

Phoenix121 · 29/05/2021 10:01

Completely shocking when a loved one tells you to fuck off. Also, utterly distressing, soul-destroying, and a potential threat to your self-esteem, your feelings of stability with the relationship, and a risk to your mental health generally if you keep thinking about it.

You are not overreacting. Could you speak to him about it and do you think he is reasonable enough to understand how much those words have the potential to cause such terrible damage?

OldTurtleNewShell · 29/05/2021 10:03

I think someone needs to fuck right off and it's not you. It is completely unacceptable to talk to someone like that. And in earshot of the children makes it even worse.
You're not overreacting at all.

MrsMackesy · 29/05/2021 10:09

Young teens are impressionable. He can't complain if that's how they start to speak to him or to both of you in a couple of years, to other people like teachers or to future partners. Does he want to be that role model to DS, about how to speak to you or any woman? Does he want to be that role model to DD about how she should speak to you or accept being treated in her own future relationships? Or how to deal with stress - to take it out on your loved ones? The thing is, you are their role model too, OP. Yes, you have to address it with them - and with him.

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2021 10:13

Is he the children’s father? Or is this a different partner introduced to their lives?

rwalker · 29/05/2021 10:13

Sadly some people use fuck off like an everyday phrase it's just the general vocabulary not saved for maximum offence
Is he one of them .

messybun101 · 29/05/2021 10:20

Is he the dad to both kids?

I imagined it being an 'argh, fuck off!' shout at the phone but now I'm thinking it was directed at you?
My DP and I swear a lot. It's not unusual for either one of us to drop something, trip up or get frustrated and shout F off or ffs but it's never once been at the other person.

Totally unacceptable. He's behaving like a child.
PP is right, young teens are impressionable. They wouldn't get away with managing anger like this would they? So why should he?

IEat · 29/05/2021 10:23

Oh dear he had a strop and didn’t react how you think he should. There’s the problem.
Why bring it up this morning why not just let it go . You can’t hide everything from your kids . Adults argue they may swear they then get over it and move on .

TopBlogger · 29/05/2021 10:27

Not really a "Darling" P then is he?

He will just carry on like this if you dont talk about it. And if the dcs heard, then he should apologise loud enough for them to hear too

chesterelly · 29/05/2021 10:49

He sounds like my dad. Doesn't cope well with stress at work, takes it out on inanimate objects that don't work, probably because in his frustration he's being completely ham-fisted. Think throwing the bastard remote across the room or kicking the fucking car because it didn't start. Just lots of things to keep his anger on a "gentle simmer" until either my DM or me say or do something he doesn't like so he can boil over, shout, tell us to get to fuck, that he's leaving, all sorts of ranting until his rage was spent. It is an awful atmosphere to be brought up in, I was such a quiet, nervous, shy child. I wish my DM had left him. I stayed at home until I was 24 and he'd retired and was much calmer, so much was I on "team mum", I definitely saw myself as her protector and from about 14 would stand my ground, shout back.
Sorry that's long but I guess I'm trying to say don't accept it. If he can't or won't get help then put yourself and your DC first and LTB.

chocatoo · 29/05/2021 11:12

Do you still love him? He should absolutely not be talking to you like that. But everyone gets stressed and says things they shouldn't and all couples argue. In my opinion the important thing is that he should apologise to you and let the children know that he has apologised. I think its important for children to understand that couples can argue but still love each other.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2021 11:14

There's swearing and there's swearing at someone - completely different. He should apologise to you and apologise to the kids too, particularly your daughter, as he spoiled the night. If he won't apologise then he clearly doesn't think he's done anything wrong, which means you have other things to consider.

Original poster
WhyMrsRobinson · 29/05/2021 11:44

Thanks everyone. Food for thought. He’s quite jolly today so I think it was badly reacted strop. I will have a quiet word. I think how he reacts to discussing it may be key.

OP posts:
Sillawithans · 29/05/2021 12:40

I'd just leave it.
In the real world I doubt these other posters would actually leave their partners if they were told to fuck right off.

Lovelydiscusfish · 29/05/2021 12:47

I’m not excusing him as clearly he has spoken to you in a harsh and upsetting way, which is never good, but I must admit I have been told to fuck right off by partners in the past without seeing it as a massive dealbreaker, and indeed (perhaps this is bad) would potentially use it myself in an argument too. But I do swear a lot and am not at all offended by swearing. If you are, and if you and him don’t use this type of language much, it’s different. Kind of depends how it was said too....

On the face of it, if he gets like this only about once a year, it sounds annoying but not that bad.

But the fact you are posting on here may imply you have deeper concerns about the relationship?

Sending you best wishes either way. X

OldTurtleNewShell · 29/05/2021 12:52

@Sillawithans

I'd just leave it. In the real world I doubt these other posters would actually leave their partners if they were told to fuck right off.
Weirdly, this post reminded me of a time when XH did tell me to fuck off. I didn't leave him then. I tried to brush it off but it really upset me. Thinking back, I'm cross with myself for letting him talk to me like that. It was a pretty good metaphor for the way he treated me and I'm only sorry I didn't recognise that then and left sooner. I'm not saying OP should LTB but if one person in a relationship speaks to another like that, it's a sign that something is very wrong and it needs to be addressed.
Horehound · 29/05/2021 12:55

Walking on eggshells and pacifying him to not escalate a situation.
Not good, not good at all.
Personally, i'd be leaving

LannieDuck · 29/05/2021 13:45

If someone who was supposed to love and support me told me to 'f right off', I would... permanently. No-one has the right to speak to me like that.

RantyAnty · 29/05/2021 14:32

Does he tend to ruin birthdays by fighting and sulking?

Anothernick · 29/05/2021 18:59

Hmm, he was obviously out of order. And having someone endlessly moaning about their job is at the very least annoying, especially if they seem to be blaming you for their misfortune. But you say he does this about once a year, which is very infrequent. Is he OK the rest of the time? Everyone gets angry sometimes and, whilst he should certainly not talk to you like that I am not sure you are yet at the LTB stage. I think you are right to try and discuss it with him and I suggest you agree some boundaries and if he continues to cross them you will have a clearer idea of what decision to take.

Enough4me · 29/05/2021 19:05

I'd be tempted to say OK but I can't due to DC, but you can go.

This really sounds like a time for you to assert your boundaries and if he cannot meet them than it's over.

RosaBudDrood · 29/05/2021 19:39

@Sillawithans

I'd just leave it. In the real world I doubt these other posters would actually leave their partners if they were told to fuck right off.
Agreed
Original poster
WhyMrsRobinson · 29/05/2021 22:20

Thanks everyone, it’s so nice to get your replies. A few of you have really resonated.
I calmly mentioned it when he was in a nice mood and he said,’ well you swear at me’. Hmmm.
I am taking the moderate view some of you suggested. He’s been v nice today. But I think on reflection I’ll take the three strikes and you’re out approach. Thanks very much for your views. It’s very helpful to clear my thinking.

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 29/05/2021 23:57

He super stressed with work and tells you to fuck right off once a year - and you swear at him too?!

Is this a joke post 🤔

DumbestBlonde · 30/05/2021 00:05

I remember reading a simple line of advice once upon a time; it was.
"If you have in you only one smile in a day, give it to the person you love". Idealistic and easier said than doen I know - but so much better than using the one you purport to love as a verbal puching bag x

Also, sorry to say, probably "easier" for a woman than a man (to remember, if not actually do....) Sad