Dp told me to f off, right off

[WhyMrsRobinson]

Ok he’s stressed at work and been picking fights all day. Stupidly tried to defend myself. Later he swears at me because his stupidly expensive phone wouldn’t charge. And I wasn’t sympathetic enough. ( I am so tired of being sympathetic) But we were getting ready to take dd for a birthday dinner. All I could say was, ‘ but it’s dds birthday, don’t get cross ‘ or something equally pathetic - I didn’t want to add fuel.
I told him later we had to make it up for dd. She was on stairs and had heard everything and was all closed off body language wise. Ds heard it too.Great!

It was ok in the end and Dp perked up a bit. And a good time was had, but this morning I don’t know how to deal. I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I find someone telling me to ‘just f right off’ has really got to me. I’ve been listening patiently to his daily moans and complaints about his job and have explained it’s exhausting, which he doesn’t seem to get. Or does, but 5 minutes later off we go again.
He seems to do this once a year or so.
Couldnt face chatting to him this morning.
Am I overreacting? I don’t think I am. And I don’t know how to feel, never mind act. And how to deal with children (young teens) do I say something? Or let it lie.
Thanks.

From your posts, it sounds like you do a lot of eggshell walking around him. What would happen if, instead of all that, when he started his usual whining, instead you just said, "Shut up." Not patiently, or calmly etc. but quite loudly. Then walked away?

I mean, if you fear violence in return, don't, of course. But otherwise, I think if you keep responding the same way, you are accepting it and allowing it. Trying something different can change a behavior pattern. After all, fully half of the responsibility and shaping of the interactions between the two of you are what you choose to do.

Or if "shut up" is too rude, then "hush" or "That's enough," or "It's quiet time" or whatever you like.

So he ruined your daughter's birthday?

Who does that?

An abusive prick does.

Your children heard how he spoke to you?

They won't forget that.

I appreciate the relationship bar IS low on MN but telling your partner to Fxxk off is what happens in crappy relationships.

It doesn't happen in healthy ones.

You do a lot of tip toeing and humouring him too?

He sounds like a selfish pig.

Your poor children.
I'd love to hear from THEM what it's like to live in your house.

You sound like you are afraid of him.

You sound like you put him ahead of your children.

Your poor children.

Think about your daughters body language after she heard, on her birthday.

She won't forget her birthday either 🙄.

My ex told me to fuck off once, we were not a sweary household at all, and it shocked me.

We then pretended it never happened.

It was just one incident in a catalogue of controlling and abusive behaviours that ramped up over the years and resulted in him choosing to attack me.

I'm not saying that everyone is the same, it just is worrying to see that he's "jolly" the next day, after a temper tantrum that upset your child on their birthday.

I now ask myself - would I tolerate this from a stranger? If not, then why would I tolerate it from a partner?

Thanks. Everyone. So nice to hear your views.
I’ve realised the pattern is that when I mention something his reaction is to say,’well you do x too’ and I think he will try to turn it into an argument. I’ve now learnt to not engage.
I mentioned the swearing when we were alone and he said,’ well you swear at me’...er, not quite sunshine. And,’ I was really happy why are you bringing that up now?’ So yes, fearing it turning into a row I said,’ don’t do it again, it’s massively damaging for the kids’. And walked out the room. When I came back we were both making an effort to be jolly.
Is that normal? Should I get him to apologise to the kids? Even tho it was last Thursday.
I just sometimes get fed up, and don’t know if it’s lockdownfrustration or if it’s serious.

I think a lot depends on your respective backgrounds. If he comes from a background where habitual swearing is the norm then it may be hard (but not impossible) for him to just turn that off or even to agree that it needs to be turned off.
But for me that would be a red line which would not be stepped over more than once or twice without consequences. I wouldn't accept being told to f off and I wouldn't accept being told to shut up either. I wouldn't want my children to be brought up in an environment where that was considered normal so I would certainly be speaking to them and apologising on behalf of my DP if he didn't do so himself.

Sounds like it's too late for him to apologise and would only antagonise him further. But I would apologise on his behalf.

That's not normal behaviour, OP. Twisting your efforts to address the situation by saying "but you do X, too" is childish at best. So what if you do X? You didn't do X last Thursday. He upset everyone with unreasonable and unkind remarks, and is refusing to own that decision and its effects on the family.

Thanks guys. I must say I find it exhausting. It’s like an annual thing where he gets more and more stressed until something gives.
In our family we would never have sworn at each other. His dad gets super stressed and yells. I just feel it building up again and don’t know how to handle it.
He was just chatting to his mum and idly flicking through the stuff on my screen and when I told him not to he got really cross at me. I said, just say,’ oh sorry, I didn’t realise it would upset you’ so he did, then he said,’ now you apologise to me’. It all felt much more unpleasant than it needed to be.
I think he’s just stressed, he has a v difficult job.

I’ll apologise to the kids. Do I say dad is stressed at work but that’s no excuse? Do I just say dad is stressed at work and I’ll be explaining to him why it’s not ok to behave like that?
Again ds is 12 so aware of atmosphere.

OP,
It's NOT normal.
It's abusive.
He gaslights you and turns things around.

You have a 12 year old who is being highly damage.

Do you really imagine it is normal for children to hear their father speak to their mother like that?

Of course its not.

Its rough, coarse, uncouth.

He's not a good man to treat you the way he does.

He's a bully in the home.

Don't kid yourself.

This is all your children will remember of growing up.

Abusive father speaking to Mum like shit.

The atmosphere.

Speak to Women's aid and see what they say.

His temper controls you and your home.

Don't kid yourself otherwise.

I'd just say something like I'm sorry you heard him speak like that. Even though he's stressed it's still not OK.

Don't do his apologising for him. Let him apologise.

If anyone told me to fuck off I'd do it in a heartbeat, forever. No reason for that. And I know there are people who swear at eachother all the time, but I'm not one of them and never will be. You don't have to be either.

You are on eggshells. It never gets better, it only ever gets worse.

"I’ve realised the pattern is that when I mention something his reaction is to say,’well you do x too’ and I think he will try to turn it into an argument. I’ve now learnt to not engage."

So he has trained and otherwise conditioned you then. I would think you do not do that or have to do that with other people, only him. That is also something abusive people do to their chosen target as well. He indeed gaslights you and turns it around.

Why are you apologising to your kids for what he said?. Why are you doing that at all?. He does not plan on saying anything at all re an apology to any of you is he?.

Many people too have difficult jobs and lives (you certainly do with this man) and they do not choose to act like this man has done.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What are you and he teaching your children about relationships here?.

You state also that his dad gets super stressed and yells. What this man is doing is learnt behaviour from his own father; that is what he learnt. He does this too because he can and it works for him. You want your children as adults to do the same in their relationships too?.

Op - that’s exhausting for you. Like dealing with a child having w constant tantrum.
My dh gets stressed and swears too. Wierdly he also replies with ‘and you do x too!’ Or ‘have you looked in the mirror’. I’ve realised it’s a way of ending the conversation as he has no come back. And for him it’s all about winning and being on top.
Your dh sounds like this too. That stress makes him loose his way, his control in his
own life. So he’s trying to scramble back onto his perch, meaning he needs to stand on all those around him in order to get there.

Deep down he knows what he’s doing.

I’ve always tried to calm the situation. To shield my children and apologise on his behalf (as he wouldn’t ever do so!).

I now stand and look him in the eye and tell him he’s being controlling, and evidently his temper tantrum is because he’s wobbling on his perch!!

I think you should point out his behaviour is wrong, that his children are evidently disappointed (always a good word to use), and that he will loose their respect very quickly if he does this thing again!!

Stay calm, say what you need to say and walk away.

Remember, he’s wrong. He’s immature with his emotions. Stay strong

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Your H comes across as emotionally abusive towards you all and you cannot shield your children from this whilst you are all under the same roof. Your children pick up all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken and they likely can sense how emotionally preoccupied you are.

I daresay he does not and would not act like this in front of people in the wider world or his work colleagues; it is for you and in turn your children this is directed. He controls your home and the moods within it.

And why are you also apologising for him?. Why are you taking responsibility for his actions and choices here, is it because he does not and will not?.

Your response sounds sensible OP. Make sure it's not a pattern that develops though.

He was just chatting to his mum and idly flicking through the stuff on my screen and when I told him not to he got really cross at me. I said, just say,’ oh sorry, I didn’t realise it would upset you’

The above sounds a bit odd - did you actually say "dont do that" like he is a child and then tell him what he should have said?
That sounds really infantalising and would irritate me greatly if a partner spoke to me this way.
He does seem to have been a bit of an arse but apologising on his behalf and telling your children you will explain to him why his behaviour is unacceptable is ridiculous.
I'm not sure he's the only unreasonable one here

Thanks everyone. Sorry to take so long to reply, have been unsure what to think!
Casamama, thanks. I think I am being frustrated because whatever I ask - pick up towels? Hang up coat? It’s met with,’well you don’t... ‘ I was trying to convey that I really don’t want a row, I just want to be able to say, ‘ would you pick up the towels after you’ve had a shower’ and for him to say,’oh, fair point’ ( or not fair point) and not turn it into a massive thing. Every. Single. Time. ( or that’s what it feels like).
I’m realising that I may be on eggshells. Not frightened but just wary . Tonight he joked that I’d broken whatever it was and when not acknowledged by our friend or me he repeated himself. I felt like I’d gone back to school. Scarier was the sudden thought that my school mates wouldn’t have thought that was a twatty thing to say.
Sorry! Just having a vent. All those niggles mount up over lockdown!
Not even sure what I’m trying to say, but thanks everyone.

school mates would have thought it was twatty.!

He IS a tedious TWAT.

The question is now that you are realising, are you going to organise yourself.

Good, and scary, question.

Don’t apologise to your kids then carry on modelling a relationship where you walk on eggshells around a man who takes his inadequacy out on the people he is supposed to love and respect