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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really hurt by 5 year old daughters comment towards me.

60 replies

Fightingback16 · 28/05/2021 19:14

It’s been 2.5 years since I left my abusive husband. Daughter was almost 3 and she has had no contact with her dad since she was 3.5 and she is 5 now.

She was not behaving great today, to be honest she very rarely does anything she is asked. She was told not to get more toys out and her reply was I’ll do what I want.
A few moments later in the car she just came out with I’m being rude to you like daddy was because I love daddy and not you.

It hurt a lot. I had no choice but to leave and stop contact which he still hasn’t been given by Cafcass. I get the impression although I’m sure she doesn’t that she just doesn’t like me, it sure feels that way. I think she must blame me for taking her daddy away.

I try and explain to her that daddy was not kind but she just says she loves him and not me. This is hard.

OP posts:
SnarkyBag · 28/05/2021 19:17

She’s just trying to make sense of her life and the people in it. To be honest it’s too much for a 5 year old to process “daddy wasn’t kind”

nimbuscloud · 28/05/2021 19:17

Would play therapy be an option do you think? She probably has a lot of anger and sadness going on and that is why she is saying these things to you.

OwlTwitterings · 28/05/2021 19:18

She just doesn’t understand and is struggling to make sense of it all. How about some gentle child counselling for her that focuses on playing and drawing?

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/05/2021 19:19

She loves you. She’s trying to make sense of things. Play therapy sounds a great idea.

OwlTwitterings · 28/05/2021 19:19

Also, one day she will understand and back you. You’ve done the right thing.

Nualay · 28/05/2021 19:23

Could it be that she really means to say that she is hurt by her daddy apparently not loving her more (and hence staying in her life). So she's saying she loves daddy but really means she wishes her daddy would say he loves her.

Wearywithteens · 28/05/2021 19:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

noirchatsdeux · 28/05/2021 19:32

The one thing that I hate the most from my shitty childhood is that my mother ALWAYS took things we said as young children - and I'm talking below the age of 12 - as if we were adults saying them.

She made no allowance for the fact that we were...young children. She assigned adult feelings and motivations to what was more than likely the complete bollocks that we, as young children, were bound to come out with. I'm now nearly 53 and she STILL comes out with stuff that I said when I was 9.

Don't be like my mother.

Treacletoots · 28/05/2021 19:37

What @noirchatsdeux said. Mine did exactly the same.

On another note, my 4.5 year old talks at least 50% total bollocks every day because that's what children that age do. Please try to not take to heart as she's clearly trying to process something she simply isn't mature enough to do.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/05/2021 19:38

Another yes to play therapy and if you can, simply acknowledge her feelings by reflecting them back. You know not to take them personally and a child is not responsible for an adult's emotional wellbeing. Well done you for getting out.

Haffiana · 28/05/2021 19:43

She is a small child. She speaks with a small child's understanding and a small child's feelings.

You don't have to be hurt and you most certainly do not need to feel you are being blamed. She is a small child and she doesn't understand ANYTHING of these adult things. You are an adult - you can perhaps understand what it is to be a small hurting child, but she CANNOT understand what it is to have adult concerns and motivations.

Why does a small child have the power to hurt you? Why? Would it be more accurate to say that you are feeling a bit raw and down and her words are therefore rubbing your vulnerable spots ? That is really hard for you, but don't put that onto a small child. That is disordered thinking on your part. She didn't cause it.

You need to be the adult here. It is hard when you feel down, but you have to do it. You need to tell her that Mummy loves her and that Daddy loves her, but that Daddy is not able to see her. You do not have to tell her why, just that he cannot see her now but that you know that he loves her very much.

Nannewnannew · 28/05/2021 19:54

@Fightingback16 Please try not to take what your daughter said to heart, I’m absolutely sure she didn’t mean it. Children say quite random things at times, we were having an extension built by a pair of builders and suddenly my son, who was about 5-6 at the time, told one of the builders that he hated him! I was mortified as there was no rhyme nor reason for this outburst, luckily the builder took it all in good heart. I’m sure there’s no reason for your daughter to say hurtful things to you, it’s just kids!

eatsleepread · 28/05/2021 19:56

She has been through the trauma of never seeing one of her parents again. She was never going to emerge from that unscathed or unaffected.

Greenmarmalade · 28/05/2021 20:02

Could it be that she’s made similar comments before and seen how shocked you’ve been, and is just pushing this button?

She doesn’t have the emotional maturity to understand what she’s saying and how it makes you feel. She obviously loves you. Children always act up the MOST for those closest to them.

I’ve had similar from my teenagers: “I want to live with daddy because he’s nicer than you and would let me (insert this week’s thing I’ve said no to)”. They barely know him and have hardly seen him- they’re just using it as something to try to get a reaction or their own way.

I always play it cool and calmly (sometimes a very fake calm!!) say that he’s not nicer than me, and saying these things won’t help them to get what they want.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 28/05/2021 20:04

I am hurt that she had to have witnessed her daddy shouting at me and that she has to go through this.

She said it to cause a reaction because she was in trouble I know really and it wasn’t because she doesn’t love me. I am also traumatised and learning, sometimes I don’t get things right and I feel guilty I’m not better for her.

OP posts:
Sidesaladofchips · 28/05/2021 20:05

@noirchatsdeux

The one thing that I hate the most from my shitty childhood is that my mother ALWAYS took things we said as young children - and I'm talking below the age of 12 - as if we were adults saying them.

She made no allowance for the fact that we were...young children. She assigned adult feelings and motivations to what was more than likely the complete bollocks that we, as young children, were bound to come out with. I'm now nearly 53 and she STILL comes out with stuff that I said when I was 9.

Don't be like my mother.

I can relate to this too. Still reminded by my narcissistic abusive mother every now and again, with a tootling laugh, of the things I shouted out in pain and anger as a small child, because the home was not a happy one and I witnessed far too much shouting myself.

I'm sorry OP but try not to transfer this to your daughter.

butterpuffed · 28/05/2021 20:05

She's only little, she doesn't need to know that 'daddy wasn't kind' or that he was rude to you, she won't understand. If the subject of your ex comes up, probably best to speak neutrally and then distract her.

Greenmarmalade · 28/05/2021 20:06

You don’t need to feel bad or guilty. It’s hard to recover from a traumatic relationship when you can’t take time out for yourself whenever you need to and have to continue to be a parent full time.

If you can afford it at some point, I found psychotherapy very effective to recover and get past what had happened.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 28/05/2021 20:10

I am stressed I have C.F.S because of the abuse and I’m struggling with the court case and I should be better at this but I also feel like a dysfunctional four old also. She really needs a better mum then me.

OP posts:
DateXY · 28/05/2021 20:12

She's been through a lot and her dad could be manipulating her too if he was abusive. You need to take her for therapy, and also give her proper boundaries so she doesn't start thinking that acting in an abusive fashion to others (which is learnt behvaiour) is normal or disrespecting you is normal. If she doesn't listen to you there has to be proper consequences! I don't get all this namby-pampy parenting - she'll end up even more damaged and very likely become an unruly child/teen.

Tal45 · 28/05/2021 20:25

Please don't take it personally. Maybe next time just say 'It's not ok to be rude to people, I love you, now please be polite.' Just keep clearly, calmly and consistently reiterating the message - she needs you to be as calm and confident as you can and that will make her feel secure. x

AlmostSummer21 · 28/05/2021 20:25

@Fightingback16

I am stressed I have C.F.S because of the abuse and I’m struggling with the court case and I should be better at this but I also feel like a dysfunctional four old also. She really needs a better mum then me.
She doesn't need a better mummy than you. You're her mummy and she needs you!

You did very well to get you both away from
him (and keep her away from him).

Her wording strikes me as a bit odd. Who does she spend time alone with? It sounds like something someone else has said to her (does she see any of his family?).

It's really hard, but not to take it to heart, she lives you and no doubt thinks you're the best mummy ever!!

HideousKinky · 28/05/2021 20:27

When I was little my Dad left us and married someone else.
I was very sad and stopped talking for a while.
People were always trying to encourage me to talk and one day my Dad's new wife said, "What do you wish for more than anything in the world?" and I immediately replied, "for Daddy to come and live with us again."
She started crying and my Dad got angry with me.
I was 6.
Too young to have a filter about what is/isn't appropriate to say.
I just said what I was feeling and was punished for it

lightand · 28/05/2021 20:32

op, please be kind to yourself.

ChristmasFluff · 28/05/2021 20:32

She does not need a 'better' mum, she only needs a mum who loves her whatever and who is there for her. You are that.

She is testing to see if she is loveable in her most broken places. And you are there, loving her, even when she hurt you. That is SO powerful. My goodness, the pain and the generational trauma is stopping here right now with you - be so bloody proud!

@Fightingback16, wow, you got throught the pain and your love didn't waver. Bloody well done.

You keep on doing what you are doing. I'd personally go more neutral on the ex - 'some people can't care for themselves, let alone others' - and let it develop as they grow.

But by your unending love, you constantly prove that the reason her Dad left is nothing to do with her lovableness. This is the thing children will assume - 'daddy isn't here because I am not lovable'. So they come up with all sorts of stories for that to not be the truth.

By consistently loving her (and tellinghe rhow lovable she is - but not related to her sperm donor at all), she learns that isn't the case. Especially when she tests you and you still keep on loving her.

Sending lots of love to you both xx