Really hurt by 5 year old daughters comment towards me.

[Fightingback16]

It’s been 2.5 years since I left my abusive husband. Daughter was almost 3 and she has had no contact with her dad since she was 3.5 and she is 5 now.

She was not behaving great today, to be honest she very rarely does anything she is asked. She was told not to get more toys out and her reply was I’ll do what I want.
A few moments later in the car she just came out with I’m being rude to you like daddy was because I love daddy and not you.

It hurt a lot. I had no choice but to leave and stop contact which he still hasn’t been given by Cafcass. I get the impression although I’m sure she doesn’t that she just doesn’t like me, it sure feels that way. I think she must blame me for taking her daddy away.

I try and explain to her that daddy was not kind but she just says she loves him and not me. This is hard.

She has said something similar a few times, I want daddy to shout at you, I want daddy to tell you off. She often says I’m the child and she is the adult and she can do and say as she likes. She is only small and I don’t know why she says it.

She does not spend time with any of his family and she was soo small the last time she was with him but I can only imagine he was saying things to her.

I was wrong in my reaction because I was hurt and I shouted and she shouted, I am ashamed of myself.

I put her to bed and said I was sorry and she said she was sorry and then she said tomorrow will be a better day mummy and then I cried.

I, unfortunately as it happened during lockdown when she wasn't at school, had to call the police and have my partner (5 year old dad) removed. We are still going through the process months later of him having supervised visits etc.

When DD is upset with me (could he I've told her it's bed time and she has to turn the TV off), she will tell me "you broke my heart because you took my daddy away from me and he was my best friend, I want to live with daddy and not you".

It really hurts. I wish she hadn't been there. In time she will understand, and in a way I'm glad she doesn't think her dad left her. She knows he didn't leave by choice. It means I often get painted as the bad guy.

She has asked me why, why can't we all live together as a family, she wants "mummy, daddy and her". She speaks to the social worker. She has asked me to "ask the social worker if daddy can come back and live with us". What can I say?

You have my it is so very hard.

Well then, what a lovely mature ending for both of you.

You are allowed to handle things imperfectly occasionally.

Also, you have been the best mum already by removing her from a toxic homelife. Takes a strong woman, and a great mum, to do that.

@lightand

op, please be kind to yourself.

this and

she's 5 - for perspective -she believes in father christmas

When children are pushing boundaries, they are very good at finding the things that will push your buttons. She knows this will get a reaction.
I have a vivid memory of a young child being really unhappy at being made to do something and shouting things at my mum. She ignored them until I said one thing and I saw she was visibly hurt. She questioned me about why I thought that, etc. She explained why I was wrong.
The thing was I did not really think that at all. I had simply by accident found something that would hurt her.

Op do you need to get some help? Maybe some therapy? Maybe something from your gp?

OP There's a good chance she doesn't really remember much of what happened. Next time I would just say " well that that's quite sad because I love you more than anyone else in the whole world".

You're a good Mum. You took her out of a dangerous situation, you love her and care for her, you apologise when you get it wrong (we all get it wrong sometimes).
I think she is trying to make sense of why she doesn't see her father.
I don't know much about it, but I've had therapeutic parenting mentioned to me several times recently with regards to children with attachment issues.
Your lo is hurting and it's coming out in this way. It's not your fault, but she's testing you to make sure you're not going anywhere.

Play therapy will help her process what she doesn't understand. It's so hard not to take it personally but you'll both get there 🥰🥰

Kids come out with all kinds of stuff i wouldn't have taken it personally or literally. My sons written "mummy is the worst" on the wall several times. It was all to do with him not geting his own way. It wasn't anything deeper than that.

You walked out of a dangerous situation for the good of yourself and your daughter. You are a hero in my eyes.
My five year old is a handful and can say hurtful things sometimes. To be honest I don't always respond in the calm adult like way I should. Because I'm tired, and stressed and human.
I think the recommendations for play therapy sound really sensible. Just remember to look after yourself too.

I literally feel like I’m being pulled in all directions. I’m trying to be a mum, work, renovate our home, heal myself, be soft and be firm. I haven’t a clue who I am most days.

I was wrong in my reaction because I was hurt and I shouted and she shouted, I am ashamed of myself.

I put her to bed and said I was sorry and she said she was sorry and then she said tomorrow will be a better day mummy ....^

You've put the pieces back together rather nicely. If you mess up, then you talk it out (at a 5 year old's level) and say sorry. You're doing ok.

When the court case is over and you are a couple of years on from it all, you will find it easier to cope with the moments when she rattles you.

keep breathing, keep telling yourself you're doing well, because you are. You love her; you got something wrong (join the club) and you said sorry after. That's fine.

This sounds really hard. I remember reading that when small children come out with things which are hurtful and they say they don’t like you or whatever, the best thing is to reassure them that you love them very much. I agree she is testing you to make sure you are not going anywhere. When she says she is the adult, maybe reassure her that no, you are, and your job is to make sure that she is safe/healthy/has clean teeth (whatever reason you are asking her to do something and she is not doing it). Are her days predictable and does she have a good routine? I used to use a whiteboard for my DS with what we were doing during the day so he knew what to expect (he is on the autistic spectrum and I would get a lot of externalising, physical behaviour when he was worried, so I learned to make things very predictable for him - not suggesting your DD is on the autistic spectrum but if she is struggling with her emotions, you can help by letting her know what to expect every day). The play therapy idea sounds good. Women’s Aid have children’s workers as well, I don’t know if that is something you could consider?

It is really, really stressful to go through a court case and it sounds like you have been through the mill. Be kind to yourself.

She’s pushing boundaries with you because she feels safe and loved by you. She knows no matter what she says you’ll be there for her. Surely that’s a sign you’re a great mum. The shite my 5 year old says to me honestly, don’t overly analyse it. Mine tells me she hates me and loves me in the same breath sometimes.

@noirchatsdeux

The one thing that I hate the most from my shitty childhood is that my mother ALWAYS took things we said as young children - and I'm talking below the age of 12 - as if we were adults saying them.

She made no allowance for the fact that we were...young children. She assigned adult feelings and motivations to what was more than likely the complete bollocks that we, as young children, were bound to come out with. I'm now nearly 53 and she STILL comes out with stuff that I said when I was 9.

Don't be like my mother.

This is exactly my experience. It's horrible.

Even now, my mum ascribes adult motivations to the things her young grandchildren say, and takes them very personally.

Please don't do that.

Out of the mouths of babes. That just shows how damaging it is for children to witness any kind of domestic violence, even verbal abuse.
You’re a great mum for protecting your daughter and leaving your abusive husband. It will get easier, be kind to yourself. 💐

But by your unending love, you constantly prove that the reason her Dad left is nothing to do with her lovableness. This is the thing children will assume - 'daddy isn't here because I am not lovable'. So they come up with all sorts of stories for that to not be the truth.

This. I would work on saying 'that's a shame, I always love you. Even when you're naughty, I still love you. Now...' and move on. It's hard but you've done so much already, you do this.

You're doing well. Honestly.

• She has said something similar a few times, I want daddy to shout at you, I want daddy to tell you off. She often says I’m the child and she is the adult and she can do and say as she likes. She is only small and I don’t know why she says it.

She does not spend time with any of his family and she was soo small the last time she was with him but I can only imagine he was saying things to her.*

It could just be normal age appropriate boundary pushing. In my experience, 6 year old girls are incredibly challenging with behaviour at times. You’ll automatically assume it is to do with her dad, etc, but it may well not be. She’s seen the reaction she gets with some things and she remembers to try it again, in the way most kids will say ‘I hate you’ or swear at you.

Its totally normal to have this sort of challenging behaviour. You’re doing fine.

Most (all?) parents find this sort of thing tough and it’s harder when you’re single as you become kind of engrossed with the conversation on their level as you can’t escape it to chat to an adult, in my experience. With my older 2, I think I used to get too wrapped up in things and didn’t have a space to breathe and leave it all for a moment, which meant my responses weren’t always ideal. As I’ve grown older, I try to consciously detach from these conversations where I see my kids are trying to get a negative reaction and just say calm, measured things or just listen. Obviously i fall down sometimes and just react- because it’s normal.

You’re doing great.

I am going through similar myself and when you've been in an abusive relationship it's very hard to not be upset by the remarks that your child says. My daughter says things to me and sometimes it feels like she is being nasty but i have to remember she is a 7 year old child and doesn't really know what she's saying. Stay strong, you are not a bad parent and she loves you. One day ahe will understand your trauma.

@noirchatsdeux

The one thing that I hate the most from my shitty childhood is that my mother ALWAYS took things we said as young children - and I'm talking below the age of 12 - as if we were adults saying them.

She made no allowance for the fact that we were...young children. She assigned adult feelings and motivations to what was more than likely the complete bollocks that we, as young children, were bound to come out with. I'm now nearly 53 and she STILL comes out with stuff that I said when I was 9.

Don't be like my mother.

Similar here. We very much appreciated the parent who was there when we grew up. But before that we were deeply hurt little kids who didn't deserve to be made to feel guilty for being angry and sad and missing the parent that left us. It's very common for children to blame the parent that stays. It's not a reflection on you, it isn't about you, it's about the hurt she feels inside. She needs to know it's ok to talk about losing her dad and how she feels about that. She needs to not be blamed for struggling with this. And she needs to know it's not her fault. Because there's a good chance she is actually blaming herself.

I still struggle to feel worthwhile as an adult, because I wasn't able to express my fear of abandonment, my grief, my anger without being made to feel like it was an attack on the parent that remained.

In young children especially, behaviour is communication. She is communicating her distress to you. She's so little she doesn't have any way of processing all of this. If you can afford it it may be worthwhile getting some counseling on how to help her through this. There may be help available through a DV charity. Think about it not as an adult but as a child. It is scary to wake up one day and one of your parents is gone. You can't really understand why or how and you don't know if it could happen again. She's distressed and scared and she needs desperately to know she is safe and it will be ok.

I communicate a lot with her about what’s happening. She knows that daddy shouted at mummy of her own accord. She knows a lady is helping us so that daddy can see her safely because some people need help to keep people safe.

She knows I love her even when she is naughty as she will say mummy loves me but sometimes I’m naughty and she doesn’t like that but she still loves me.
I always tell her she can tell me anything and I’d never be annoyed. She can talk to me about daddy if she wishes and she tells me he is her superhero. He is allowed to send her letters (the only contact court allowed which he is doesn’t very regularly sadly) and I read them and she cries to me and I let her tell me how much she misses him and loves him even though it kills me to know he is a monster.

Yesterday was just one of those days and I do feel like she says it when she is in trouble because she knows it gets a reaction so I will definitely learn to not react. I also feel that I don’t give myself a break and that I’m human and sometimes I’m crap.

as you say, you are only human and sometimes there are bad days .. and one learns how to be a mother! it's not innate for a whole lot of people