Really hurt by 5 year old daughters comment towards me.

[Fightingback16]

It’s been 2.5 years since I left my abusive husband. Daughter was almost 3 and she has had no contact with her dad since she was 3.5 and she is 5 now.

She was not behaving great today, to be honest she very rarely does anything she is asked. She was told not to get more toys out and her reply was I’ll do what I want.
A few moments later in the car she just came out with I’m being rude to you like daddy was because I love daddy and not you.

It hurt a lot. I had no choice but to leave and stop contact which he still hasn’t been given by Cafcass. I get the impression although I’m sure she doesn’t that she just doesn’t like me, it sure feels that way. I think she must blame me for taking her daddy away.

I try and explain to her that daddy was not kind but she just says she loves him and not me. This is hard.

@Fightingback16

I am stressed I have C.F.S because of the abuse and I’m struggling with the court case and I should be better at this but I also feel like a dysfunctional four old also. She really needs a better mum then me.

Please don't beat yourself up, I know how damaging that can be. You're aware of the potential issue now and you can remind yourself of that when this behaviour happens again and it will. Ours certainly did and was very destructive at times. Being aware is a big step. I was thinking of that phrase that when we know better we can do better. Behavior is communication and you can remind yourself that her behaviour isn't about you, it's about her and what she's been through.

I didn't need my parent to be perfect. I needed them to remember I wasn't an adult, that I'd been through trauma too and not make me feel guilty about being all mixed up and grieving. I know it's a lot, and you won't always get it right, I don't think anyone ever does, but if you can keep these posts in mind when responding to her behaviour you can help your DD to get through this better.

My parent wasn't a bad person, they've been through a lot of trauma as a child and in their marriage, but I wish they could have broken the cycle a little more and I had a few less scars.

@OwlTwitterings

Also, one day she will understand and back you. You’ve done the right thing.

This. Absolutely. And my 18 year old dd has completely 'got' it for at least a year with a few years of figuring it out before then.

I always backed up my own right to leave. I always stayed clear on my experience that he had been horrible to ME.

Her level of emotional maturity out paced his from the time she was about 14.

Be kind to yourself OP
Have you heard of Kirsten Neff, look her up on youtube. You're not a crap parent. You've done an amazing thing and it's challenging.

Are there any kids books which would help explain the situation to her? Might take the pressure off you having to always explain it to her. But definitely she's looking for reassurance that you aren't going anywhere. Plus she sounds like a creative soul who is really clever and good with words! Maybe she can write her own story/books etc and this will be a special place if she starts up again at you - you can say oh do you know what? This could be a really cool story for your collection! Do you want to write it down and draw it? Not all stories have to be happy or anything, they can be whatever you want them to be...

Then she'll have a special place for those feelings to go to, rather than have them fly at you out of the blue

Then you'll feel that you have another new consistent answer for her when her mood is cranky etc

You've done so well so far, it isn't an easy situation so be kind to yourself

I had an amicable split...to a point! with my ex.
Our DD was always over favourable and forgiving of him and I think it was because she was seeking his attention. She'd never had it before. This was 5 years ago (she was 6). She'd actively say that Daddy was her favourite parent!

I also have the biggest bottom in the land. Im a size 12!

But despite having a 50/50 split, she always comes to me if she has a problem. She attaches herself to me like a limpet when she returns from a full day at her Dads house. But so much has changed over those 5 years. I make fun out of her by saying Im the better parent and she now says she loves us equally! I still have the biggest bottom in the land!

Little children say things like this sometimes.

I know you're probably thinking it's all to do with what went on, but it could just be a normal developmental testing of boundaries and emotional power. "I love daddy and not you" is said to mums in families without the abusive background as well.

Try not to take it to heart. She doesn't mean it.

Yep I beat myself up a lot. For having her with an abusive man (although this is hindsight) for dragging her through the courts for 2 years. For having this complex-ptsd and having to learn to be a human again as it’s not natural to me. For being emotionally numb and unavailable the first year after leaving then being up and down like a yo-yo. She has had to witness my destruction and re-building. I have tried my best to protect her but at times I’m rubbish.

She did have her parents eve the other day and they told me she is a lovely caring girl, she always asks if she can help. She is doing well. I asked if they notice anything challenging emotionally and they said nothing at all. She has lots of friends and you wouldn’t know she had been through it all. Poor little thing.

The only good thing I guess is that I can tell you what I do wrong and I’m trying. I felt nothing for ages but if I do something wrong now I feel empathy and I cry, which is different to last year when I felt I cared about nothing which was horrible.

If people want to know the damage emotional abuse can do to a person then they can look at me. It’s only really dawning on me now, these wounds will take a lifetime and probably never fully heal. I wish I could help others in my situation because I’ve not had much support in real life because of the
Pandemic. The actual abuse is noting compared to the full out, awful soul awakening experience but it had to be done otherwise I’d be dead which would have been the worst possible outcome. At least I’m here trying my best for her and I’m more stable then him which says a lot!

Ahhh OP you’ve clearly had a terrible time of it . You are doing your very best. If your daughter reacts badly when you tell her off, perhaps it’s something to do with her fear/ shame? My 7 year old tells me to “die in the bin” when she’s furious with me - they say terrible things sometimes, try your best not to over-react.

@Comtesse that made me chuckle in a oh my god kind of way.