i hit dh - he hit back. should we separate?

[neednewbag]

I know we all think it's unforgivable and unacceptable for a man to hit as woman. But what about if she hits him first and he retaliates?

This happened with me and dh a few months ago - we were in the middle of the most awful row, i rushed down the stairs and grabbed his face and he hit me back (not hard, but was definitaely a "hit". I then threw a glass down the stairs (it didn't hit him, thankd god)and we then stayed away from eachother.

We are due to start counselling soon in the hope that we can learn to manage how we deal with anger better.

But i'm wondering if we've just gone too far and as we've overstepped the boundaries of acceptable behaviour we should jsut separate?

i think you should keep trying
it's not like either of you thinks it was ok -- i presume he doesn't think it was ok?

I think it's too easy to view these situations in black and white.
You need to look at your relationship as a whole and then decide if it is worth staying together.
The fact that you have chosen to go for counselling sounds like you both feel there is more to your relationship than this incident.
Good luck, hope you both reach a happy conclusion.

i think the fact you recognise it is wrong, and that you need to address your anger means that you are both taking responsibility and are working towards a healthier relationship

if it was a one off, and you are dealing with it, i don;t think you should just seperate, no.

No, he doesn't think it was ok to hit either. he said he was so shocked at me rushing down the stairs and grabbing him ,he sort of instinctively retaliated. I suppose i should be grateful he didn't want to end things there and thne becuase it was me who hit first

And of course it's not just me and dh, we have a little boy so if we split up, things would be very different for him.

No I don't think you should separate at all. Dp and me have had some awful rows and I have hit him in the past (although he never hit me back thank god, he's a lot bigger than me and would have killed me!), but I have had counselling and we are both on the waiting list for relate (for lots of reasons, not just that).
If you are having counselling to deal with this then you are obviously committed to making your marriage work.
Good luck with it all

I know its probably unreasosnable but i have trouble dealing with the fact that he hit back - as i was under the impression that most men wouldn't?

i don;t think you should try to look for the upper hand in this, you rushed at him and grabbed him , he hit you back , you then threw something at him. it is irrelevant what gender you are, you are both in the wrong ! but you are both dealing with it. most men probably wouldn;t, but maybe most women wouldn;t do what you did? you need to move forward from this and it sounds like you are doing all the right things to do so

I think the "men musn't hit women"is really because they can hit so hard they could do some real damage wihtout even trying that hard. If he didn;t hit you particularly hard, I don;t see that in principle it is so very different from you hitting him.

I certianly wouldn't consider separating until you've had your counselling at least.

It's brilliant that you are going for counselling - listen to what your DH says about his retaliation and how he felt when you hit him.

I don't think you need to be talking of separation, unless other factors are making you unhappy.

thanks for all your replies!

would welcome any more views too. thanks - mumsnet is is so helpful!

when you say he hit you - what exactly do you mean?

god is ee women in court and i rekcon id have thumped them

thats terrible isnt it

Instant retaliation can be defensive and instinctive, and since both of you don't like it happened, I'd go with the counselling route. In all honesty it doesn't sound like the end of the world - a fight that got a little out of control, but you both acknowledge.

I agree with lulumama and Kewcumber. Dont think his hitting back it means you must separate, he was acting instinctively, he wasn't out to hurt you. He was probab;ly shocked at you grabbing at him.
If you are both up for counselling that is a good sign/start.

Hi neednewbag, I seem to remember your posts from before. Isn't your husband also verbally abusive to you? And I thought in the other thread you said he'd been violent to you in the past.

The real point is not what other people think, it's whether you feel you deserve to be treated this way.

Grabbing his face doesn't sound like you hit him though. Do you remember why you grabbed him. Were you trying to stop him doing or saying something?

"god is ee women in court and i rekcon id have thumped them"

Do you think you should ask to be excused from presiding over domestic violence cases CodDickinson if you think victims deserved the violence against them. I'm not mixing you up with someone else am I - you are a magistrate aren't you?

obvuosly i wouldnt hav thumped them

but god one woman i cna think of behaved SO SO badly( cant go into tdetais) that you coudl understand if not condone his minor violence

i ahev never thumped anyoen in my life

this is not just about the NNB's DH's actions, it is about both of them
although if there is a history of verbal abuse or more, then it makes a difference

i agree.
id o wish more women woudl BIN these men though who do it repeatedly - what is the stats that byt he time it gets to court its the 17th offence?

BUT not all men who hit owmen are serial whackers imo

You'd think by the time they'd commited 17 offences they'd have been locked up by the courts for a good long time. If they can't stop violently attacking women, what on earth are they doing on the streets?

The woman wouldn't be in the position of getting back with violent men if courts actually did something about it. Most women I know who've experienced domestic violence have ended up having to run away to get away from the guy, either that or wait until he moves on to his next victim.

no ime most women who are absued beg the courts to let him off

its pitiful adn makes me very very cross

i was in a verbally abusive relationship that did get physcially abusive on occasion, for 7 yrs. Sometimes i did push him, to see how far he would go, other times he lived up to his upbringing and copied what his dad did to his mum with little provocation from me.

We tried relate counselling, and individual counselling, as we both felt that we were each others 'big love' (still the love of my life even though i'm in a fantastically happy relationship & with the most fab bloke who treats me like a queen whom i adore), but it didnt really help us and just highlighted how faulty our relationship was.

In the end, i called off our wedding because i felt that we were destroying each other and making each other desperately unhappy. I am really glad i did, because i have never been happier, even though it took me years to work up the guts to do it. However, there were no children involved.

My point is, that if you are in a similar situation, you can talk to as many people as you like & get as many opinions as you like, but ultimately you need to follow your gut. If it tells you that you and your son & your partner would ALL be happier apart, then that's what you need to do.

If you feel you can make a go of it for your all your sakes, as well as for your sons sake, then thats what you need to do.

However, it isn't fair to expose him to any violence or bullying, either verbal OR physical, so if you are going to stay together, you need to be adult, resolve the explosiveness of your relationship and work at setting a good example for your son's future relationships. The best example for your son will be 2 parents who love each other and work together to resolve their issues, or 2 parents who split amicably and work together to ensure their son is happy & settled.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide. and sorry for the long post - is an issue close to my heart

A one off you hit/he instinct bats out thing imo doesn't mean you are doomed (I used to beat hell out of DH I have better anger management now - he never hit back but I would never have blamed him if he had)

If there is a history though which is making you wonder then maybe it would be for the best