i hit dh - he hit back. should we separate?

[neednewbag]

I know we all think it's unforgivable and unacceptable for a man to hit as woman. But what about if she hits him first and he retaliates?

This happened with me and dh a few months ago - we were in the middle of the most awful row, i rushed down the stairs and grabbed his face and he hit me back (not hard, but was definitaely a "hit". I then threw a glass down the stairs (it didn't hit him, thankd god)and we then stayed away from eachother.

We are due to start counselling soon in the hope that we can learn to manage how we deal with anger better.

But i'm wondering if we've just gone too far and as we've overstepped the boundaries of acceptable behaviour we should jsut separate?

How about gettign cross with the men who attack the women Cod?

And since when did courts base their sentencing decisions on what the victims think. Even if these women have been brainwashed by fear by their abusers you don't have to listen to them. Most victims would like longer sentences for the people who committed crimes against them, but I've not heard that courts pay much attention to their wishes.

Look at that guy who is having bodies dug up in his garden at the moment - he raped and tried to kill two girls but he was still out within a few years to kill that poor Polish girl in Scotland.

If you're both committed to the counselling and to learning how to manage anger better, then you;re in with a chance. FWIW an awful lot of people would hit out almost involuntarily if grabbed: has he apologised? DOes he seem genuinely shocked and horrified? If he's busy justifying himself on the grounds that you hit out first then it might be harder to sort out, but this does sound like both of you were in the wrong.

its about maturity of communication and mutual respect. You have to draw a line and make everyone know where it is - a metaphorical line that says - this is what respect means to me. you must think to yourself - what defines your own self respect?

becuase i assure you if you do not respect yourself - then its v. dificult to expect someone else to. and visa versa. Be v. careful becuase one say you might throw or smash something and its a step too far becuase your partner might say - right - i need to do something before i lose respect for myself and my own values. hence i think councelling is a good idea.

but you shouldn't leave it allt o councelling - you should sit down and talk

Sorry to hijack your thread NNB, got carried away there.

It seems like you aren't happy with the way your dh treats you but don't have the confidence in your feelings about it for some reason.

yes E i knwo i knwo

i htought anger wihthtem goes wihtout saying
obv not.

and e we have to htink abotu the purpose of sentencing
6 weeks inprison versus some long term therparutic probation requirement?
which is going ot haev the best effect?

ANd there is often fincnail considerations - even if the famil dont stay together the man has to support kdis

sneding him top rison renders them homeless.

I don't think this discussion is helping NNB.

no an i am slightly puzzled why you are so anxious to ahve it

i know what i want to happen - that is that we can make thing better for all of us. But, i think that maybe things have gone too far, and i'm not sure that I can stay with my h forever because of what's gone before. I know that i am to "blame" for some of it, but i'm hoping the counselling will help, one way or another

anyone there?

what has gone before, obviously this is about a lot more than this one thing?

there's been lots of shouting (on both sides), a few years ago in an argument he slammed a door and my fingers got shut in the door (2 got broken), we don't have sex now because i feel so hurt by some of the things that have happened. BUT in alot of ways he's a good husband and father. i just don't know what to do

it sounds like your unhappy and you need an excuse to leave and blame his actions.

no, that's not true - i don't wnat us to split up - i'd love it if we could be a happy family. That's why i suggested us going to a counsellor

agree with custy...

i think you should have the counselling, and see where it leads you

I had a very similar incident to you, I was with a bloke, we had a huge row, he was really in my face shouting at me, scaring me a bit and i slapped him across the face because I just panicked and it was the only way I could think of to get him away from me...he slapped me across the face back and knocked me off my feet to the ground - it scared me to death! I think it scared us both to death. The row stopped immediately and the next day we talked it through and we both apologised for hitting each other - a terrible state to get into.

I didn't hold the fact that he hit me against him, I don't think he meant to knock me over, it was just instinct on his behalf and he's was a huge bloke.

We continued the relationship for another 2 years after that and there was never a single other case of physical violence or threat from either of us.

It's not the end of the world, you're both realising you've got problems and violence is not the answer. Don't give up if you don't want to!

thanks for your post lucylala,at least i know it's not just me - but obviously not good it happened to you. i just don't want him to feel he can do/say whatever he likes ot me with no consequence

hi, I too don't think it's an issue that he hit you, as has been said (by you and others) that you hit first and were actually MORE aggressive than him. It sounds more like an instinctive reaction from him to defend himself from an attack.
I think that counselling is a good way to go.

thanks mrsSlocomb, i hope the counselling helps

anyone else?

I don't know why people think 'counselling' is the answer to all woes.
What happened to a good old fashioned discussion between concerned parties?

Most 'counsellors' are untrained halfwits and/or charlatans.

I'd rather take out my left eye than go near one. Ever.

I agreee tht they are some very bad counsellors around. However, i have found one (at last) who seems to understand me and i hope she will be able to help BOTH of us now - we'll see....

How much does she cost then?

why???

Just interested.