i hit dh - he hit back. should we separate?

[neednewbag]

I know we all think it's unforgivable and unacceptable for a man to hit as woman. But what about if she hits him first and he retaliates?

This happened with me and dh a few months ago - we were in the middle of the most awful row, i rushed down the stairs and grabbed his face and he hit me back (not hard, but was definitaely a "hit". I then threw a glass down the stairs (it didn't hit him, thankd god)and we then stayed away from eachother.

We are due to start counselling soon in the hope that we can learn to manage how we deal with anger better.

But i'm wondering if we've just gone too far and as we've overstepped the boundaries of acceptable behaviour we should jsut separate?

The hitting incident you describe sounds unfortunate but not unsurmountable. However you sound rather unhappy in a long term way. Only you can make the call as to whether you've had enough.

/aside re: mooondog's post. moondog . my personal experience of counselling has been dire so I have a degree of sympathy to your POV(a counsellor who seemed to think he had the skills of a clinical psychologist when he didn't, and colluded with GP so that I didn't get referred on ). But I think in less "medical" situations the counsellor is more of a mediator - i.e. providing a safe ground/facilitating discussion, helping the parties have a proper discussion in effect.

I agree with your analysis of the use of a mediator/facilitator.
I just think peopel are generally unaware of how little most 'counsellors' know and how poorly trained they are.

i suppose a lot depends on what your relationship is generally like. if its mostly good, and perhaps you have just hit a bad patch, could this be a one off and a bit of a shock for you both to talk and sort things out? i would'nt split just because he hit you back if you hit him first, why should a man take violent behaviour from a woman? it sounds as if he just reacted without thinking.
however, if your relationship has a long history of arguements, squabbles and general disharmony then maybe its time to seriously analize what has gone wrong and whether you still have the same feelings for one another

i don't think this kind of situation that you are in is unusual tbh. it sounds like you want to sort things out with this guy.

however, you said:
'we don't have sex now because i feel so hurt by some of the things that have happened...'

i do think you have to let things in the past go if you want things to work in the future. i also think that sex is an important part of a relationship.

i think if you both care enough that couselling can help.

good luck

i'm very well aware that alot of counsellors are a complete waste of time(and money!) , which is why i went to great lengths to try to find one i felt was well enough qualified and, more importantly,who i felt was knowledgable enough to help with my/our problems.

Do you think your dh resepcts you as a human being NNB?

Broken bones in a relationship sounds pretty frightening to me.

i do find it very hard to forgive - whereas he doesn't. i won't let him even see me undressed now as it makes me feel to "exposed". but i feel tht keeping him away like that will make him realise how hurt i am. i'm no model figure but also am not completely hideous( ihope) ! I make alot of effort with my appearance and have not "let myself go" since having ds

Anyway neednewbag I'm not in a position to talk. I'm in a shit relationship with a history of violence (not from me). I'm trying to get out but with many children it's difficult. I wish you all the luck and hope you can resolve things.

yes, very frightening. BUT, that; just whay hes done. once, in a fit of rage in the car, i pulled the handbrake while he was driving amd the car spun - it's only because no other cars were around that we're both still alive

What were you angry about?

can't remember now - it was about 4 years ago

anyone else there?

DH and I were knocking seven bells out of each other last night.
I'm taller and heavier than him so why is it worse that he hits me?
I'm deeply ashamed but have no desire to seperate.

listen i think YOu need to decide needanewbag

nto a lto of strangers

dh is alot taller and alot heavier than me

I think that's true cod, but it's still useful to know if other people are experiencing similar things and to hear what they think about it.

i know it's me who has to decide - but i can't. in practical terms 95% is ok - we "work" together most of the time but there's no closeness anymore. however if we split up, who's to say things would be better? ds would miss his daddy,i'm sure and dh would miss ds.I'd only get a break when dh has ds and if dh ever met anyone else, i'd probably be devastated...

Hopefully the counselling will help explore these issues.

"DH and I were knocking seven bells out of each other last night.
I'm taller and heavier than him so why is it worse that he hits me?"

It's worse when a stronger person hits a weaker one. If you are stronger than your dh then its wrong for you to hit him. Walk away.

feeling really sad about things. I told dh i wanted to sleep on my own last night as i was feeling bad. would welcome any more comments - thanks

nnb, what sort of comments do you want? I mean what are you looking to read? Is whether you should stay or whether it's ok or not?

Most people have said that it's not the end of the world and that counselling might help.
It seems to me that it is you who are not sure?

You have to decide what is right for you. If what happened is a bridge too far for you then it is for you and it doesn't matter really what anyone else feels.
Some women stay in violent relationships and are miserable but stick with it, others are off at the first hint of aggression.

Do you think it was a one off or do you believe it could happen ever more frequently?

Do you really believe that you should go to counselling? Do you want to go?
There are lots of questions you need to answer honestly.