Husband wants me to change my job - who is BU?

[RetirementWoes]

NC for this as it's outing.

DH is high earner, but hates his job. Wants to retire early (mid-40s now).

I gave up my job when I had kids to stay home by mutual agreement with DH. When kids were in last year of junior school I got a job as a TA which I love. But it pays poorly compared to my previous job.

DH wants me to give up TA job and go back to my old role (I would need retraining and commute to London so longer hours) so we can retire early.

I can see his point, but I love my TA job supporting children (I was relieved to give up my old job when I became pg!).

AIBU to stay in my TA job that I love at the expense of DHs early retirement? I wouldn't be able to retire early as my pension is only worth peanuts!

(For full disclosure, I live for now, having lost a close family member to cancer in their 50s who didn't get to retirement age having worked hard for their pension!)

I posted earlier on another very similar thread.

Google the story of the business and the fisherman.

It’s horrible being stuck in a job you hate - I feel for anyone in that situation. It does seem a bit unfair that his unhappiness is ‘funding’ the low paid job you love and your living for now though, so for that you are BU. Could you downsize and he retrain to do something he enjoys? Could you go back to your old job for a period of day 5-7 years, allow him to retire and then go back to your TA job?

Fil didn't even make it to retirement after working hard for years to have a great pension. Yanbu

Could you learn to tutor on the side? My dc has a fab dyslexia tutor who is a sen TA in her daytime job?

Could you downsize your life so you both get what you want? I can imagine he feels quite resentful.

There must be a compromise so that your husband isn't stuck in a job he hates. Nobody should have to carry on a job they hate for a prolonged period.

He's been working in a high paid job that he hates for years so that you can do what you want and work in a low paid job that you love. It's your turn now. Give the man a break, let him do something he enjoys. It's only fair.

Why doesn’t he change his job to one he doesn’t hate, then he won’t have to worry about retiring early?

Fuck me - unless your old job brought in 100k + per year i wouldnt dream of it.

While it's a partnership it sounds like he has better earning potential...Why can't he get a different job? There isn't only ONE job in the world he can do surely??

And who has the luxury to retire mid 40s these days!!!!

Well if you were FT at home till your kids were end of primary then (assuming you didn’t have extra responsibilities you haven’t mentioned) that is a fairly light load, as is TAing if you could actually earn a professional salary.

It’s not fair to expect to be able to ‘live in the now’ if your DH is doing all the financial heavy lifting to give you that relaxed lifestyle. It sounds like it is going to make him ill also. So yes, I think you need to step up and start contributing.

However that does mean he needs to start doing his share in the house and w the kids. If you don’t want to return to your old role it would also be fair enough to opt for something else eg training to teach.

And who has the luxury to retire mid 40s these days!!!!

I took the OP to mean he wants to retire earlier than the state retirement age, ie in several years - not now

I think yanbu

You did all the heavy lifting of the baby and pre school years at home, by the sounds of it. All the school runs, appointments, hobbies etc

I bet being the one working full time didn’t seem like the rough end of the deal to him then.

Now your side is starting to look like the more attractive one, he wants you back out at work in a job your dislike, so he can retire early? And having had several years away from it so of course you remain at a more junior level.

Where does your happiness come into his calculation?

YANBU

There seems to be a lot of retire early threads currently.

I wouldn't give up a job you hate. Are there potentials for earning more.

One of our Ta's was an after school cleaner straight from finishing class.

That said . I think your dh needs to look at what he can do to change his work.job hours or lije others have suggested downsize/ cut costs.

isn't there a compromise? Can't he have a different job, accepting a lower household income?

It seems odd that you cannot see it is unfair to live the life you want knowing he is funding you at the expense of his own happiness/mental health.
Yabu for this.
A compromise is required from both of you.sit down and talk it through together.

Sounds like he's the one that needs a new job.

Why is your happiness more important than his?

Can he retire earlier and you keep working, at a job you enjoy?

There must be another option that is a bit more of a compromise. It’s not fair for either of you to be in a job you hate in order to support what the other wants.
What other options have you both considered?

He gets another job.

It seems to me like this is an issue with mismatched values. He is focusing on delayed gratification, you are more about living in the moment. Neither one of you is wrong. Maybe you could see where your values overlap, that’s where you’re most likely to find a compromise.

DH evidently doesn’t want to be the next family member to work hard for a pension he doesn’t collect. YABU, share the load more equally.

So if dh decides he fancies a low stress, short hours job he enjoys are you on board, or is your low stress, short hours job only feasible financially if dh keeps up the slog?

There must be something more of a compromise which sees you pulling your weight financially.

@MaMelon

And who has the luxury to retire mid 40s these days!!!!

I took the OP to mean he wants to retire earlier than the state retirement age, ie in several years - not now

Yes me too.

I'm mid 30s and we have a high household income (>150k gross pa) with modest(ish) outgoings and having done the numbers think we can swing 55 for retirement...