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Original poster

Husband wants me to change my job - who is BU?

98 replies

RetirementWoes · 27/05/2021 21:32

NC for this as it's outing.

DH is high earner, but hates his job. Wants to retire early (mid-40s now).

I gave up my job when I had kids to stay home by mutual agreement with DH. When kids were in last year of junior school I got a job as a TA which I love. But it pays poorly compared to my previous job.

DH wants me to give up TA job and go back to my old role (I would need retraining and commute to London so longer hours) so we can retire early.

I can see his point, but I love my TA job supporting children (I was relieved to give up my old job when I became pg!).

AIBU to stay in my TA job that I love at the expense of DHs early retirement? I wouldn't be able to retire early as my pension is only worth peanuts!

(For full disclosure, I live for now, having lost a close family member to cancer in their 50s who didn't get to retirement age having worked hard for their pension!)

OP posts:
Original poster
RetirementWoes · 27/05/2021 22:34

Can't downsize whilst kids are still at school as we need the space (3 bed semi).

I've talked to him many times about changing job but he won't. He sees work now as something you have to do, you don't need to enjoy it, just retire ASAP. I'm more of the belief that you work for years so should enjoy it, I'd have no problem him changing jobs at all, even with a pay cut. We'd have to make cut backs on our lifestyle.

I would have to retrain significantly to get back to my old job - it would take some time and I would have to go in at a lower grade.

As a TA I have trained and progressed to HLTA, which still doesn't pay huge amounts but I do get teaching responsibilities. I looked into teacher training but that would take a number of years (I'd have to go to Uni) and I'd be late 50s by then with a debt round my neck).

OP posts:
Original poster
RetirementWoes · 27/05/2021 22:37

@TheMotherlode

There must be another option that is a bit more of a compromise. It’s not fair for either of you to be in a job you hate in order to support what the other wants. What other options have you both considered?
I don't know any other options - open to suggestions!

I want us both to be happy, not for either of us to be unhappy to fulfil the others goal.

OP posts:
Original poster
RetirementWoes · 27/05/2021 22:39

I should add DH works from home. If I went back to old role, I'd be commuting and out of the house for 12hrs a day.

OP posts:
RandomUsernameHere · 27/05/2021 22:42

If you change to a job with a commute and longer hours, who's going to do all the things that you're presumably able to do at the moment, such as the school run, taking the DC to activities etc? Just because you earn less at the moment it doesn't necessarily mean you're not pulling your weight and contributing equally to the family. Has DH thought about who is going to pick up the slack?

IEat · 27/05/2021 22:44

Holidays and lovely shorter working hours are great. Sod being told where to work

MeadowHay · 27/05/2021 22:44

Surely there's loads of other potential options? E.g. you do your old role or a different higher paying than now role but potentially part time if that would still be financially beneficial compared to being a TA? DH get a new/different job that hates less? DH work part time? Cut down outgoings if needed, downsize property maybe etc if needed to save on costs so that he can reduce his earning power too? DH retrain to something he'd enjoy more? You retrain? So many potential options to explore surely.

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 27/05/2021 22:48

Evening all. We've now moved this over to Relationships, as requested by the OP.

Hope that helps, @RetirementWoes. Flowers

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/05/2021 22:49

Could you train to be a teacher? Or something else teaching related? Seeing as you’d have to retrain for your old job anyway.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/05/2021 22:58

If you are an HLTA with a previously high earning job, do you have a degree? I know an HLTA who is doing teacher training - it takes an academic year and she is continuing to work and be paid as an HLTA in the meantime. I suspect you might need a degree to that, but could that be a possibility? Although teaching is really demanding and time-consuming - DH would have to take over a lot of the housework while you were training and thereafter, unless you can outsource. Maybe you can top up your salary with tutoring?
What is the job he thinks you can return to, and how much would the re-training cost?
Don't underestimate how much more difficult it is to retrain in your 50's- I don't want to be discouraging but lots of women of that age ( menopausal or post menopausal) have memory issues which make learning new things under pressure very stressful. If you are going to retrain, do it sooner rather later.

MaMelon · 27/05/2021 23:00

Ok - a wee bit more information there OP! If you can’t downsize, your DH won’t consider changing jobs or retraining and expects you to facilitate his retirement by picking up your old role then that’s not fair. He needs to come up with at least one other solution.

RantyAnty · 27/05/2021 23:08

At first I had a bit of sympathy for him until you said he works from home.

It sounds like he takes what he has for granted instead of having gratitude for all he has.

Does he do his fair share at home and with the DC?

BackforGood · 27/05/2021 23:12

Can he not see the irony of him wanting you to do a job you don't want to do, so that he can stop doing a job he doesn't want to do ?

I have sympathy for anyone working in a job they don't like, but the onus is on them to do something about that - retrain or just apply for other roles they can do etc., not to make other people unhappy too. That makes no sense at all.

Aalvarino · 27/05/2021 23:20

Hmm. This is a tricky one and hard to answer from the outside.
If you would be happy to move to somewhere much smaller and less desirable but he won't countenance that at all..... I would not be killing myself to do what he preferred in that situation.

If however he is happy to downsize and lose luxuries but you are not then yes absolutely, you should go back to earning more, in a more stressful job.
I suspect this isn't about money and earning at all but about differing values on other things...

Divebar2021 · 27/05/2021 23:27

Why is it a choice between your TA job and your old job ? Isn’t there potential for a third job which wouldn’t have the commute but would pay more.

scubadive · 27/05/2021 23:33

Don’t do it

Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2021 23:37

I'd be telling your husband that if he can afford to retire, he can afford to find a new job, even if it pays less.

Namenic · 27/05/2021 23:49

I think compromise would be important. I think it’s important to recognize that some of what he has built up by doing a job he hates for many years, has probably been beneficial to the family financially. However, what he is suggesting for you to do sounds like a lot more work than perhaps he does (given that you would be out of the house for 12hrs per day and he works from home).

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to look at other options to increase your income. Either by taking a 2nd job (eg tutoring or a job in the summer holidays) or by decreasing your personal expenditure so you are able to save more for retirement. He might also need to step up at home/kids if you do more of this currently.

paralysedbyinertia · 28/05/2021 01:35

I don't totally understand. Are you saying that he won't be able to retire early if you stay in your current role, or simply that you won't both be able to retire early together? Couldn't he still retire early while you carry on in your TA role?

I can't figure out whether he wants you to go back to your old job in order to subsidise his early retirement, or whether you are expecting him to carry on working longer in order to subsidise you to do a job that you love. Or whether you could both afford to do what you each want without expecting any subsidy from the other, but just feel that you should retire together at the same time?

Saltyslug · 28/05/2021 01:48

He needs to find a job he likes even if it means lower pay and later retirement

You’re happy and should remain in your job. You could look to bump up your wage with some tutoring

What did you do for work previously

Sakurami · 28/05/2021 02:08

I would neither want to do a job I hated nor retire early. I enjoy my work.

He can get another job if he hates it so much.

Saltyslug · 28/05/2021 03:24

I’d hate to retire early

CandyLeBonBon · 28/05/2021 04:24

HLTA's are highly sought after. I wouldn't retrain for a job tjat takes you out of the house for 12 hours and makes you miserable.

If he hates his job that's on him. He has to change it.

Incidentally, try not to think of student loans as a 'debt' in the traditional sense. It only starts being paid back after you earn more that 27k.

Example
Your annual income is £28,800 and you are paid a regular monthly wage. This means that each month your income is £2,400 (£28,800 divided by 12). This is over the Plan 2 monthly threshold of £2,274.
Your income is £126 over the threshold (£2,400 minus £2,274). You will pay back £11 (9% of £126) each month.

It's worth looking at if it's something you're keen on and if you have a degree already all you need is a pgce

PragmaticWench · 28/05/2021 04:42

I really think some career counselling for your DH might help. He sounds as though he's mentally boxed himself into a job he hates and can't see a way out. That's really tough emotionally, I imagine he feels trapped and resentful.

Surely he could retrain and find something he enjoys? He must have some transferable skills?

JemimaJoy · 28/05/2021 04:48

He is being very unreasonable and selfish. I'd never dream of taking on a job I hate which will dramatically reduce my quality of life just foe some vague idea of retiring early. Like you said, you might both drop dead tomorrow. If he hates his job he needs to get a new one and stop being such a brat and demanding you change your life because he simply doesn't want to.

ivykaty44 · 28/05/2021 05:03

To achieve your own goals you don’t make others move their goals to get your goals in position

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