Husband wants me to change my job - who is BU?

[RetirementWoes]

NC for this as it's outing.

DH is high earner, but hates his job. Wants to retire early (mid-40s now).

I gave up my job when I had kids to stay home by mutual agreement with DH. When kids were in last year of junior school I got a job as a TA which I love. But it pays poorly compared to my previous job.

DH wants me to give up TA job and go back to my old role (I would need retraining and commute to London so longer hours) so we can retire early.

I can see his point, but I love my TA job supporting children (I was relieved to give up my old job when I became pg!).

AIBU to stay in my TA job that I love at the expense of DHs early retirement? I wouldn't be able to retire early as my pension is only worth peanuts!

(For full disclosure, I live for now, having lost a close family member to cancer in their 50s who didn't get to retirement age having worked hard for their pension!)

Could you look at moving into an education role at a local authority perhaps? I spent 6/7 years in my 20s working in various support roles at different schools (although do also have a masters in education). I got fed up of the low pay and moved to an LA job, where I still got to work with children, just in a different capacity.

My salary went up from £19,000 to £30,000 overnight. £35,000 within a few years.

If you did that and he took a pay cut to find a lower stress role, you could even things out financially and stress-wise.

When he says retire early, does he mean at 60, therefore earlier than state pension age ?
Or before 60 ?
Has he crunched the numbers ?

What are both of your plans in retirement ?

If your pension is peanuts, perhaps his concerns are valid ?

I wouldn´t leave a job I love, no. He is the one with a problem with his job, it seems he could do with a new job, so he can start looking.

I don't understand why you both need to retire at the same time???

If his retirement money covers per annum what your family needs then he can just retire and you keep working in your current role. If his retirement money isn't enough it seems like he wants you to go back to your old role so HE can retire.

Having a job you hate can suck the life out of you which is understandable he wants out but can he not get another less stressful job or become a self employed consultant for a while if there's not enough money for him to retire?

@CarlottaValdez

I don’t know - I have some sympathy for the husband here as I’m in that position myself. DH is mostly a SAHD (we have one child at primary school) but earns about 10k a year basically doing his hobby which he loves. I work full time in quite a stressful job earning around 10 times that.

I don’t hate my job but I do sometimes feel that it would be nice to have the option to cut my stress down a bit. If DH had a “proper” job then I could either retire earlier or take a pay cut to move to a lower stress sector.

@CarlottaValdez so you earn about 100k 😳

Why would you need your DH to change job and up his salary? If that sort of huge income still isn't "enough" you need to cut down outgoings so you can move to a lower paid but lower stress job (or go part time if that's an option).

Totally fair point DateXY - I suppose it’s that I don’t want to drop down to the lifestyle we’d have on say 50k a year. We’d have to move house and areas and schools and I’d still need a reasonably good job.

I suppose I sometimes resent the level of job I have to maintain to keep us where we are. If we both earned £50k we’d actually be much better off from a tax perspective and I’d feel we were sharing the load.

But then I think actually without me I don’t think DH would have a better job he’d just have loads less money. And we love each other and he’s a fantastic dad. So overall I deal with it!

I think a good compromise would be for you to go down the teacher training route. I don't think you have to go back to uni for that OP - can't you do the schools direct route or whatever it's called now?

I don't think it's fair of him to make you go back to a job you hate, but you could look at other ways of increasing your salary so he doesn't have to carry so much of the financial burden.

Thanks everyone so far, I can see that opinion is as divided on here as we are in real life.

In order to become a teacher I need a degree. There's no quick fix to qualifying. I've talked to the head and obviously my colleagues about routes in to teaching but it'll take a few years part time. I could do it full time in 3 yrs and give up my job but then have to find another one for the on the job training placement.

Kids are teens, one is SEN and yes I take on the emotional load. DH does share the cleaning with me but I do the finances (bills), shopping, day to day stuff.

I want him to be happy, I would love for us to talk to a career coach to discuss steps we can both take to support each other (I'll suggest this). I get it that he is resentful but being a SAHM left me lonely and frustrated, this job gave me so much self worth (helping kids learn is brilliant!) and also time to be mum and continue supporting my SEN child.

As a teacher, my time at home to be with family would reduce significantly (I have covered long term sick leave for a colleague and marking, assessing and prepping for the next day meant getting home late or working in the evening). DH was quiet when I raised this (and going back to my previous industry and commute hours would mean a long day too).

I don't think there is an easy answer, hence asking for feedback here.

It’s a very difficult one...Is there one compromise that you could both make to get to a sort of middle ground that isn’t perfect but is workable?

So if he decided he wasn't happy with this scenario any more, could you afford to live from your wages?

I think that's your answer. Not working for 10 years is quite honestly rather lazy and I'm not surprised he feels like you're not pulling your weight.

This is 2021 FGS. Why do we still expect a man to keep us so we can work in easy jobs/no job?

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

Why is your happiness more important than his?

this

Anyone who hasn't one the EuroMillions or isn't independently wealthy and thinks they can retire in their mid-40s and sit back on their heels being economically inactive for potentially 50 years is delusional.

YANBU

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Anyone who hasn't one the EuroMillions or isn't independently wealthy and thinks they can retire in their mid-40s and sit back on their heels being economically inactive for potentially 50 years is delusional.

YANBU

Huh? I think you misunderstood what OP said in her first post. Her DH doesn't want to retire now in his mid 40s, he is in his mid 40s now and just wants to retire early - not at traditional pension age but not especially soon either!

Him- YANBU!

The problem is he hates his job which is why he wants to retire early.

It is HE who needs a new job.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I think yanbu

You did all the heavy lifting of the baby and pre school years at home, by the sounds of it. All the school runs, appointments, hobbies etc

I bet being the one working full time didn’t seem like the rough end of the deal to him then.

Now your side is starting to look like the more attractive one, he wants you back out at work in a job your dislike, so he can retire early? And having had several years away from it so of course you remain at a more junior level.

Where does your happiness come into his calculation?

Oh come on, op had 6 years as a SAHM to children on primary school all day, that is very very far from heavy lifting.

I'm a single mother of 3 in a job that earns more than some of the ones here where people say that the sahp was a necessity 'to facilitate his career'. It does make like easier for the whole family and that can be a great choice for everyone if it works. But if he's been in a job he hates for decades while she has time and home and then part time in a very poorly paid role that she loves, then maybe the partnership actually means it's time for her either step up and contribute more financially or accept the financial hit of him deciding to become a school-hours TA, or gardener, so he also doesn't mind working until retirement age.

(For full disclosure, I live for now, having lost a close family member to cancer in their 50s who didn't get to retirement age having worked hard for their pension!)

And that bit is astonishingly selfish, as you're apparently happy to have him continue working full time for 2 more decades despite having had many years as a SAHP to children at school and then working very part time.

When does he get to 'live for now'?

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing exactly, there’s a flavour of things having to be switched around to accommodate what he wants. E.g. you do SAHP, then you work around the school holidays and now you have to go back to your original career so he can retire early. As others have said, it sounds like he needs a new job

Yanbu. He doesn’t get to decide that you should give up a job that you love so that he/you can retire early, when you are not bothered about retiring early yourself. He needs to find a lower paid job that he doesn’t hate and you cut your outgoings accordingly

I think it would be a good idea for you to earn more now that you can, to give your husband the option of finding something he likes to do/retiring when he wants to - but that doesn’t mean it’s a choice between TA and the exact old job you hate? If you have to retrain a bit anyway is there a different niche you could go into that you might like more? What about your old career did you dislike and what parts did you like and can you think of similar roles that you have transferable skills for that you could pivot into? Eg if it was sales related and you didn’t enjoy the pressure of a sales role, could you pivot into more of an account management style role solving problems for current clients. If you’re in the UK, work life is probably going to be more flexible moving forward so you may be able to find a role with working from home elements to reduce the commute time as well. A career coach for you both sounds like a great idea.

You have obviously tried to maximise your income by training up to become a HTLA, next step would be to become a teacher, I am sure there is a scheme where you can train on the job as someone else might have said.
Teaching takes over your life, who is going to pick up the slack? Would you have to use paid childcare?

He is BU.

He has chosen to stay in a job he doesn't enjoy, if he hates it that much he should consider leaving. He shouldn't dictate that you go back to doing something you don't want to so you're miserable too.

But if finances are an issue, maybe you could consider an additional part time role or something to allow you to continue in the role you enjoy.

What does he say when you explain how rewarding you find your job and that you wouldn't be happy returning to what you used to do?
Is there any sort of compromise?

It sounds like he has some rose tinted specs on regarding work/home life balance for life before your dc. The additional burden of looking after the dc for him and managing the housework/shopping etc between you if you return to longer hours away isn't being taken into account by him.