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Original poster

Any thoughts or advice

91 replies

Mat12345 · 26/05/2021 00:46

Hi,

Id appreciate some thoughts on my situation

Married father of 1 toddler. I've been a very hands on father and love my child very much. I've helped with as much as I can and do each day. I'm also trying to do our house up on my days off work and at weekends I take everyone out for activities whilst still trying to work on the house.
Tbh I'm pretty exhausted and feel burnt out.

My child can be very loud and emotional at times and I find it very hard to cope with the loudness and my wife is not affected by this so doesn't seem to care.

I told my wife many times that I don't want any more children as as much as I love my child I just find it too laborious and exhausting and don't enjoy it much (being inside for long periods) and now have so many things that fall on me both physically and finanically (house costs are all covered by me for repairs and doing up but we split the monthly bills roughly down the middle).

My wife had an iud after our child was born to prevent another pregnancy.

We haven't been physical much in the last year mainly due to sleeping in different rooms whilst the house is being worked on etc.

The other week my wife told me she was pregnant.I asked how as she has an iud.
She told me she took it out last year and did it out of love as she wanted our child to have a sibling.

To me this is incredibly unfair on me as I am having to pick up more of the things on top of everything else due to pregnancy related conditons where my wife can't do much.
I also have a hard deadline on the things I need to sort on rhe house (think whole house renovation for each room minus heating etc)

My wife will also quite happily contract people to do some jobs on the house but I am picking up the bill for which has messed my budget I was working to and topping up each month up causing more stress.

At the moment I don't know if I want to be in the relationship anymore and she will have days of not talking and ignoring me as I have shouted and said things when I get tired and burnt out.

Any thoughts or advice appreciated

OP posts:
ShinyBlackBoots · 27/05/2021 19:59

[quote Morechocolatethanbarbara]@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

But if there was a contraceptive failure, the OP would be in the same situation.

Presumably his wife wouldn't want to abort a wanted child and no decent man would put pressure on a woman to go through with an unwanted abortion.

Again, she's definitely in the wrong here, but I genuinely don't understand why men who are so adamant that they don't want kids and who should know that female contraception isn't 100% effective do not take steps to prevent pregnancy themselves.[/quote]
If it were accidentally, the OP wouldn't be experiencing a sense of betrayal because there would have been none and maybe his response to an accidental pregnancy would have been different.

His strong response is primarily to the betrayal. He can't begin to come to terms with the idea of having another child because he is always dealing with the reality first.

Original poster
Mat12345 · 28/05/2021 09:41

Ah, so now ( after 4 days of not speaking to me)
She's told me that "as I don't want the child" she doesn't want me to be her birth advocate and will attend all appointments on her own. Simply wow.
Tall about trying to turn it back on me.

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 28/05/2021 09:52

I'm sorry you are in this situation. The relationship doesn't sound sustainable long term. She has betrayed you and doesn't respect you. How can you recover from that?

billy1966 · 28/05/2021 10:06

@Mat12345

Ah, so now ( after 4 days of not speaking to me) She's told me that "as I don't want the child" she doesn't want me to be her birth advocate and will attend all appointments on her own. Simply wow. Tall about trying to turn it back on me.
She's very wrong. Do not allow her to manipulate you into thinking you do not have a right to be very upset.

Trust is crucial in a relationship.

She has broken yours.

Happinesscomesfromwithin · 28/05/2021 10:46

That's your wife and child.

If your a good man you will man up and deal with this situation and keep your family together. It's a good thing your child will have a sibling.

Original poster
Mat12345 · 28/05/2021 11:00

Just to be clear I have attended mid wife appointment and planned to attend all appointments as birth advocate.

Thus isn't about "manning" up as I am yet to decide what to do long term.

It's about being in a relationship.that makes me unhappy for the sake of children

Is that fair?

One of whom I had NO say in

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2021 14:22

@Mat12345

Ah, so now ( after 4 days of not speaking to me) She's told me that "as I don't want the child" she doesn't want me to be her birth advocate and will attend all appointments on her own. Simply wow. Tall about trying to turn it back on me.
She sounds very manipulative. What she did was horrendous, don't let her act like you're the one in the wrong too, I couldn't stay with someone like that
Original poster
Mat12345 · 29/05/2021 09:21

When you are in a room sat down and the door to the hallway is open and they come in to the room you are in and leave and shut the door despite you saying to them to leave the door open what would you call that.

The person definitely heard and chose to.ignore and shut the door anyway as if to dismiss my presence.

This seems to happen a lot and I find it very dismissive and rude and its as if the person is trying to incinerate I don't exist

Any thoughts? Is this a form of DA?

OP posts:
Flipflopfoodle · 29/05/2021 09:36

#Happinesscomesfromwithin WTAF? His partner has broken his trust hugely, manipulated and sulked, and HE needs to man up? He had boundaries she knew, and she rode over them and then sulked he wasn't delighted. It's not forgivable as she has dragged an innocent child into it as well, some wife and mother she is.

billy1966 · 29/05/2021 09:38

It sounds very toxic.

You have said you are not happy with what she has done and now she is trying to bully you into accepting it.

She does not sound like a good woman.

Can you visit family and give yourself time to think?

Original poster
Mat12345 · 29/05/2021 12:23

To say that as I did not want the child she does not want me to be her birth advocate after I agreed to be before is some form of manipulation or something.
She should be happy that I even was going to be there at any point and smiled through the midwife appointment etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Mat12345 · 29/05/2021 12:24

No family I can stay with unfortunately.

OP posts:
pointythings · 29/05/2021 12:53

OP, I really think you need to get out of this relationship. Your wife has some very major issues that she needs to address, and she can't do that if there are no consequences for her behaviour. Also you deserve happiness with someone who is honest, caring and able to be in a relationship where there's mutual love and respect. If you stay, you're buying yourself more years of manipulation and misery.

BTW there is a term for what your wife did in trying to turn it all on you - it's called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). It is something abusers do. Your wife is emotionally abusing you.

Sampafie · 29/05/2021 13:21

But OP it doesnt really matter if SHE wants you there or not because you ll be financially responsible for that child so if I were you, I would still go to those meetings, just to show her that she doesnt control everything. As long as there is no domestic violence and you dont attack her, you have every right to know what is going on with your child (even if you do it out of spite)
Or she can inform you in a notarized letter that the baby is infact NOT yours and then you both can move forward based on thag new info. But dont let her continue to play you for a fool. Show her some boundaries, if she says you cant go, MAKE SURE you DO go.

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/05/2021 13:33

@Sampafie that is not sensible advice. The appointments his wife attends are her own private medical appointments. @Mat12345 has no right to attend them, he can be there at her invitation but he cannot force himself into someone else's medical appointments if she doesn't want him there. The hospital/GPs or wherever can get him removed if he tries to insist in gaining entry. That will come across to other people as aggressive and controlling.

Original poster
Mat12345 · 29/05/2021 13:40

I'm concerned that if there was an issue at the scan that she would not tell me or discuss this with me.

Would the hospital have a legal duty to inform me or if I call would they legally have to tell me if anything came up?

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 29/05/2021 13:43

Until the baby is born and you are recognised as the father (you will be automatically because you are married), you don't have any rights over the baby and the hospital absolutely won't tell you any medical information about your wife's pregnancy if she tells them not to.

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/05/2021 13:49

Just to back up what I have said here:

childlawadvice.org.uk/legal-position-relating-to-unborn-children/

FOJN · 29/05/2021 13:52

I don't think I could forgive such a huge betrayal of trust or your wife's attitude towards you now that she is pregnant by deception.

I can't comment on the division of labour, I've seen many women run ragged picking up after everyone else with a man who claims he does his share but in reality doesn't and isn't even mildly curious about how their dirty clothes end up clean, ironed and back in their wardrobe.

If you do plan to try to make it work then I think you need to sit down and discuss finances and make fairer arrangements.

WRT to PP's comments about you taking responsibility for contraception; I agree you absolutely should be able to trust your wife and her deception would be unforgivable for me but the most important thing to remember for men is that you only get choices about becoming a parent before sex, either by abstinence or your choice of contraception. Women can and do decide to terminate pregnancies but that is not something you can decide or force. It isn't victim blaming to point out the facts of the matter. Yes it's unfair but, apart from depriving women of bodily autonomy, how else could it be.

Original poster
Mat12345 · 29/05/2021 13:54

Thanks AssassinatedBeauty.

So basically no rights at all.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 29/05/2021 13:59

No, not until the baby is born. Because it's in someone else's body and you can't control other people's bodies.

Original poster
Mat12345 · 29/05/2021 14:03

You will have to take y word for it but I have worked myself onto the ground since we met.

I do all the shopping by myself (better to do this when you have children) and did before. I bring it all from the car and put it a away.

I wash my own clothes and sometimes our child's (if my wife doesn't do it) which she mainly does.

I drive everybody everywhere an day for our days out.

My wife told me that genearally she won't contribute to holidays as if I want to take the family away that is my choice.

I lent her £3000 in 2014 to go to her sisters wedding abroad and she never paid me back until I complained then she paid about £300 and sInce told me she has no intentions of paying it back, which I said is theft as she agreed before I lent it to her.

She does pay for the occasional takeaway lately but I've paid for years at about a 10 to 1 ratio (no exaggeration)

Ive put about 30k into our house ic the deposit

What narked me recently was she commented on how hard the guy she commissioned to work on our garden works (at my financial expense) (which he does) but she doesn't recognise how much I have done and continue to do.

I think she suffers from exteme narcissism well she has it and I suffer

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 29/05/2021 14:13

Whatever is going on with her, your relationship is not working and she isn't going to change. It all sounds very fraught and odd. You don't sound like you've ever liked her or got on together, and certainly not for a long time now.

I'd stop working on the house and start making a plan for how to separate. So, probably putting the house up for sale and both of you finding new accommodation. You could also see a divorce solicitor about the first steps you can take to get that all started.

PerveenMistry · 29/05/2021 14:16

You are in an abusive relationship and need to leave it. Don't raise your child with this as her role model.

Original poster
Mat12345 · 29/05/2021 14:26

I don't think she'd agree to sell the house.

I think she'd me expect me to move out and Continue to contribute to it

OP posts:
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