Any thoughts or advice

[Mat12345]

Hi,

Id appreciate some thoughts on my situation

Married father of 1 toddler. I've been a very hands on father and love my child very much. I've helped with as much as I can and do each day. I'm also trying to do our house up on my days off work and at weekends I take everyone out for activities whilst still trying to work on the house.
Tbh I'm pretty exhausted and feel burnt out.

My child can be very loud and emotional at times and I find it very hard to cope with the loudness and my wife is not affected by this so doesn't seem to care.

I told my wife many times that I don't want any more children as as much as I love my child I just find it too laborious and exhausting and don't enjoy it much (being inside for long periods) and now have so many things that fall on me both physically and finanically (house costs are all covered by me for repairs and doing up but we split the monthly bills roughly down the middle).

My wife had an iud after our child was born to prevent another pregnancy.

We haven't been physical much in the last year mainly due to sleeping in different rooms whilst the house is being worked on etc.

The other week my wife told me she was pregnant.I asked how as she has an iud.
She told me she took it out last year and did it out of love as she wanted our child to have a sibling.

To me this is incredibly unfair on me as I am having to pick up more of the things on top of everything else due to pregnancy related conditons where my wife can't do much.
I also have a hard deadline on the things I need to sort on rhe house (think whole house renovation for each room minus heating etc)

My wife will also quite happily contract people to do some jobs on the house but I am picking up the bill for which has messed my budget I was working to and topping up each month up causing more stress.

At the moment I don't know if I want to be in the relationship anymore and she will have days of not talking and ignoring me as I have shouted and said things when I get tired and burnt out.

Any thoughts or advice appreciated

I couldn't be in a relationship in which someone had deceived me that way. I could forgive them but I couldn't be in a situation where I couldn't trust the other person...especially where I was breaking my back working for the family trying to provide a good standard of life. I'd leave to be honest. Her want for a child overrode her desire to keep your relationship together. Its a massive betrayal.

[quote Morechocolatethanbarbara]@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

But if there was a contraceptive failure, the OP would be in the same situation.

Presumably his wife wouldn't want to abort a wanted child and no decent man would put pressure on a woman to go through with an unwanted abortion.

Again, she's definitely in the wrong here, but I genuinely don't understand why men who are so adamant that they don't want kids and who should know that female contraception isn't 100% effective do not take steps to prevent pregnancy themselves.[/quote]
How are you trying to say a contraception failure is the same as the wife stopping contraception unilaterally?
Accepting 0.03 risk of pregnancy is not the same as accepting the risk that the wife will stop using it altogether.
There is a chance you'll have an accident every time you drive. Does that mean you should stop bothering to wear your glasses and should drink drive and take other actions that will increase the risk of an accident because the risk is there already?

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep
No, I'm saying completely the opposite. Because there is a chance of an accident (however small) when you drive, you should ALWAYS wear a seat belt, ALWAYS put your child in a suitable carseat, NEVER drink, ALWAYS wear glasses etc, because a risk, however small, is always a risk and it's both the drivers and passenger's job to negate that risk by taking safety measures.

Maybe I'm just more risk averse than others. And when my DH and I decided our family was complete, we both took steps to ensure that sex couldn't result in pregnancy as we both wanted to negate the risk that sex brings.

Our relationship and communication seems very different to the OPS though and I don't want to derail the thread.

Cant understand why someone who knows they don't want anymore kids wouldn't take contraception into their own hands, rather than rely on someone who clearly does want more kids.

Anyway, too late for that now. You have to decide if you want to be the man who walked out on his toddler and unborn child without trying all other avenues first. Marriage counselling is a good idea.

And stop shouting at her - whether you want this baby or not, behaving in a threatening stressful way towards a pregnant woman is harmful behaviour.

Thanks for all the replies.

Just to clarify a few points, we both work but only I drive so I do nursery drop offs and pick ups each day and round my work.

My wife has been signed off due to pregnancy issues presently and was with the first child.

I also look after our child from getting in until bed time when my wife takes the child in to settle for sleep.
As I drive, at weekends I take everyone out and then try to work on the house.

If we don't go out I normally take my child for a walk although my wife (before announcing she was pregnant) did take her sometimes so I could carry in on the house.

My wife seems to think it's acceptable as I am the "husband" that all costs for house renovation fall on me.

Before we got married we talked about childen and I said that I want 2 probably but after the very stressful birth of our first child and us basically being on our own (my wife's family are abroad) and some of mine are that I changed my mind on that and one was enough.

She was obviously upset but seemed to have accepted it until the announcement.

As regards wearing protecting we had aready used an iud before getting pregnant the first time as we decided to wait a few years after marriage to try.

Going back on it therefore to me was the same as before and it had been in for 2 to 3 years before she did what she did.

When I bought her up on it she had the audacity to tell me I should have worm a condom. I told her I would have had I have known she took the iud out but she dint tell me that.

When we argue (mainly about child tantrums and how to deal with them) as we seem to have different parenting styles she basically says "go away and leave us" so is very dismissive.

As to outr relationship i feel.I have always put more in to it effort wise and financially and have helped her in every way I can.

I've not always been perfect (I tend to express my feelings when I get angry in a cutting way) but my actions are there for all to see.

With the update I have to wonder how compatible you really are, and I worry about your parenting of the toddler should you split up. Am I right in thinking you are the 'strict' one and you see her as too soft? You need to change that mindset sharpish and do some reading about how toddlers operate and what good parenting practices are. Your expectations of what is possible for a toddler need to be age appropriate. I have vivid memories of having this discussion with my - at the time - clueless husband when DD2 arrived - he somehow expected DD1 to stop being 2 and acting like it. It was hard work.

You really need to split up.

But if there was a contraceptive failure, the OP would be in the same situation
Not same at all. Believing you’re about to become a dad because of no fault of anyone but nature is a very different situation to accepting you’re about to become a dad as a result of being betrayed.

If it had been a genuine accident, they would have supported each other and OP could have come to terms with him becoming a dad.

As it is, it looks like the marriage is over and OP will become a row dad.

I found myself in this sitsutiion when my OH changed his mind about being a dad. I was heartbroken as desperate to have a child but accepted I couldn’t make him want something he didn’t. I went back on the pill. If he had told me that from then on, he was going to wear a condom each time we had intercourse just in case I planned to forget taking it, that would have been the end of our relationship. You can’t be happy in a marriage if the trust isn’t there, end of.

@vivainsomnia why are you taking contraception when it's your OH that doesn't want a child?

That just seems bizarre to me.

The mini pill has (a tiny but greater) chance of giving you a deadly blood clot than the Astra-Zeneca covid jab that everyone was up in arms about, and yet you're taking it so your OH doesn't have to use a condom/get a vasectomy when he's the one trying to avoid pregnancy.

Why isn't he responsible for contraception?

With the parenting I find prolonged screaming and tantrumming to be stressful and as a result I try to address the issue or ignore the behaviour and distract. My wife will do this also but will let the crying and tantrumming go on and on and on whilst she is doing other things. That is an issue which I have raised and where we differ.

As to the iud I could mostly always feel the strings inside during certain positions (painful!) but on this occasion I couldn't but from the recollection of the event I was so exhausted and as it was the first time in months I didn't say anything as once or twice before wed had it checked to see of it was in the right position which apparently it was.

why are you taking contraception when it's your OH that doesn't want a child?
Because I’m not a 5 year old with the attitude of ‘if I can’t get what I want, want, I don’t want any responsibility attached to it’. I might also cook for my kids and husband even if I don’t have dinner myself!

Condoms were not favoured by him one I and a vasectomy was too extreme as even he said that he could potentially feel differently in a few years.I was fine on the pill.

As of curiosity Mat, what prompted her to tell you the truth rather than opting for the standard ‘it was an accident’ which you couldn’t disprove?

@vivainsomnia No idea.

She said one morning when out eating some food in private that she had some news.
I thought she was joking.
She didn't expect me to react well to it (imagine) but I was quite measured and just stunned and its taken me a few weeks to start to process.

Also perhaps because due to lockdowns etc we've been together everyday for the last year so I'd know she couldn't have taken out the iud recently

I think what’s she’s done is appalling but do agree that the partner who is against having (more) children should take responsibility for contraception. I get that she’s your wife and you thought you could trust her, but if my DP wanted kids and I didn’t, there’s no way I’d let him be the one dealing with contraception, I’d want to know it was in my hands!

But you are where you are, so from here on in, you either have to decide whether you can forgive her for the massive betrayal of removing her IUD and for putting you in a difficult position re house Reno etc or decide to split up and work out what that looks like.

Re the money and work on renovations etc - the way you divide your money seems to be very separate - you paying for certain things, her for others. Who’s paying for childcare and expenses for the DC? How do your salaries compare and who ‘owns’ the house etc? (As you’re married the technical answer to that question is both of you, but it might be split a certain way due to ringfenced deposits etc)

For me, once you’re married you should be a team and should be sharing the load both financially and physically. If that’s not happening for whatever reason then you need to reset the balance so that you both feel supported and respected for your contributions.

We split the house bills mostly down the middle but I pay for the car and most of the food.
I paid the deposit on the house and have spent tens of thousands on renovation so far.
We both earn roughly the same now but only in the last few months before I earned more.
I've always paid for our holidays as well and pay for most of the days out etc.

Childcare is split 50/50

@pointythings

I think this marriage is over - what your wife has done is absolutely unforgivable. In a relationship where there is conflict about more children, the person who does not want another child gets priority. Tell your wife you want a divorce and try to keep it amicable.

I do think your expectations of what toddlers are like are a bit unrealistic though. They're mad, feral creatures. It's a stage that passes quickly, but it's tough - I've done it twice. In many ways I've found the teenage years far easier!

I think your marriage is over too and has been for a while.

What an appalling thing to do, huge deliberate betrayal.

Do you want to stay in this marriage?

As i said upthread I personally wouldn't.
If so i would stop all renovations and get the house on the market asap. It's very hot right now a likely still will get a good price.

I think I do want to stay and try to make it work.

What I don't want to have to do is spend lots of time with a very young baby although I expect I will have to but that risks me not being able to get everything done I need/want to on the house.

Part of the reason I don't want another child is that I find it so exhausting and I never get any time for myself and then there is the issue of the betrayal of trust and no concern for my feelings or creating a lot more work for me short and commitment long term.

The only real victim here is this poor second child, they will be able to feel it that they were not wanted. This can do lifetime damage, I’ve seen it happen.

For future reference, the best way to guarantee not having a baby is to refrain from intercourse.

How on earth are you going to get around the massive breach of trust? How will you ensure that there won't be another repeat of a secret pregnancy?

You're going to need some kind of relationship counselling at the very least. You need to address together the issues around money, household responsibilities, free time etc etc. Then of course you'll need to address the betrayal of trust, the anger/shouting at each other etc.

You must work very hard never to show your children that you find them tiresome and irritating. It isn't their fault that they have been brought into this situation.

If you're going to stay and make it work you have to do so wholeheartedly. You can't be shirking time or responsibility with the 2nd child on the basis that you didn't want them originally. If you're in, you're in.

Yes I appreciate that. We are looking at getting a nanny or someone to help my wife initially if possible as last time it was just us and I remember the shifts we put together to make sure we had some sleep.
I was doing pretty the much the same as my wife for the first 3 months (when not working).

I think there are other issue with my wifes general artitude though as she doesn't feel she has done anything wrong and is constantly moody

Your wife needs to contribute financially, what on earth is going on in this relationship? Share your finances! Why should one partner have all the financial stress? She sounds really unhingedz what with this and the tricking you into a second. Selfish and just ... Idk. Bizarre

Also, get the snip. I'd also sort out some independence in case this marriage breaks down which it sounds like it will at some point. She's probably got loads of money stashed away ready to leave if you don't want a third child while you're spending all of yours doing up your shared family home 😳

That's a really despicable behaviour from your wife, I was reading another thread on here where it was the man who cut holes in the condom so his wife would become pregnant (really soon after having their first child) and people on that thread were saying that's classed as rape? At best it's a massive betrayal of trust and I'm not sure I could ever repair a relationship with someone that sneaky, disrespectful and dishonest