Partner doesn't ever want to take responsibility

[31andcounting]

Apologies in advance, I imagine this will be a long one.

On Saturday I had planned to grab some milk, go to a music shop to get guitar strings and then drop something off round a friends. I didn't expect to be gone for too long, but didn't say to partner (been together 3 and a half years) when I would be back or how long I thought I would be. I left him and dd (9) at home. I knew he wanted to get on with doing stuff in the garden but he could easily leave dd upstairs (we live in flats) to do this, she's perfectly fine. So didn't think that there was any limit on my time, neither of us had anything else planned for the day.
I ended up taking a while longer than I expected - the music shop wasn't open at the time it said on the website so I had to hang around for about 40 minutes. Then went to friends and had a coffee and chat. All in all I was gone just under 3 hours. After about an hour and 40mins, partner texts asking where I am. I rang him to let him know and he was clearly pissed off said 'I've got things to do' and hung up on me. I finished my coffee and headed home, I was bracing myself for a fight (because I know him) so when I got back I did say 'what the hell are you mad about', which I appreciate was not the best way to start a conversation. I explained about the shop not being open, that I had done exactly what I said I was doing and that it didn't stop him getting stuff done in the garden. I rarely leave him caring for dd alone so it's not like this is a regular occurrence. He got really angry, seemingly more because 'when he takes longer that expected I get annoyed with him'. I feel that this is unfair and mostly untrue. I have in the past asked him to let me know if he's going to be late because I do get a bit panicky worrying that something has happened to him if he's not back at the time he's supposed to be. But I don't get mad at him, I just feel anxious until he's back and have previously asked him to let me know if he's going to be late. The only times I've ever been annoyed is if I need him home for some reason (like if I need to go to an appointment or something like that). I feel this situation is different as I hadn't given a time and he wasn't waiting on me so he could do something. Yes I could have called to let him know about the shop and that I was going to be a bit longer than I thought, but I really don't think the situation deserves him being so angry. And he's now treating me as if I'm the one who's done something wrong, whereas I think I did nothing wrong and his anger and unpleasantness are what is really bad. Do other people think that he's right? I really do try to reflect and consider the ways in which I may be at fault but I really don't feel like I am, and he's so certain that I am 🤷‍♀️

Sorry, I didn't add in the info that's actually relevant to the title! Whenever we row he is always so focused on getting me to admit that I'm wrong and is never willing to admit and apologise for his own bad behaviours

You ARE wrong..
For accepting this behaviour..
What example is you dd getting about relationships?
He isn't your keeper....

Is he her dad?

I know @Aprilwasverywet it's something I think about often

@AnneLovesGilbert no he's not

I think he sees childcare as your responsibility so he was doing you a favour for the first hour, then, in his view you took a mile when he offered you an inch.

Obviously i don't know him well enough but that's a common default belief for a lot of men.

If they take a quarter of the responsibility they want to be thanked.

But the fact that he's often angry, often unpleasant, picks fights, that doesn't sound like somebody you want to spend your life with.

Your dd is 9 now and like you know, you will soon have the freedom to do things without needing childcare.

What does he add to your life?

Ah, that changes things slightly.

Then you really took the piss. You could have let him know you were taking ages. You should have let him know.

I would have taken her with me rather than leave her with a man who gets angry easily and who isn't her father.

But if you cannot feel safe leaving her with him, then it's probably safer to change your living circumstances so that he's not under your roof.

What is the point, he's bad tempered, angry, not her father. Just what is the point.

Was your dd aware that he was angry to have been ''stuck inside'' with her.

He sounds like a knob
How long have you been together?

Let me be clearer - he treats my daughter as if she's his own, we have lived together for 3 years and he parents her, he's not 'just' my boyfriend.

Dd is 9 years not 9 months. If he’s in your life then 3 hours isn’t a long time to be the adult that’s keeping an eye on her. I wouldn’t be happy tbh.

I never left my kids with my boyfriend I just took them with me or did things when they were at their dads. Agree with the poster who said not to leave your kid with a man who isn't their parent and gets angry easily, sorry

I have dc that aren't dh's... He still would never go on like that if he is left with them.

Sorry for all the multiple posts, but I wouldn't leave my DC alone in the house with an angry man who wasn't their dad.

Maybe this is another reason why I've been single for 14 years! but in your shoes, knowing what he's like, if I'd left her alone, I would have left the guitar strings for another day and I wouldn't have had the coffee and chat with my friends.

If you'd taken her with you, you could have done things at your pace.

I only say this because he sounds like a bad tempered arse. But even if my brother were keeping an eye on my DC when they were younger, I was always as quick as I could be.

He doesn't get angry with her, just me. I asked her if she wanted to come with me but she wanted to stay home

@31andcounting

Let me be clearer - he treats my daughter as if she's his own, we have lived together for 3 years and he parents her, he's not 'just' my boyfriend.

So what is the basis of his anger?

Quite simply that you weren't as quick as you could have been?

@31andcounting

He doesn't get angry with her, just me. I asked her if she wanted to come with me but she wanted to stay home

You were in a difficult position for sure. She was happy at home, but he put you on a clock to get back.

@Gucci1961 the basis of his anger seems to be that 'I get annoyed with him if he's late', which I don't agree with (explained a bit in op). It seems to be far more about it being 'unfair' that I do something that he thinks I'd be annoyed with him about doing, rather than because he's actually annoyed that I was longer than expected.

Ah right. It all sounds a bit tit for tat.

No give and take. No benefit of the doubt.

I wouldn't want this.

I haven't been in this situation.

I think you were being unreasonable. You expect him to tell you if he is going to take longer than expected when he goes out, but you think it is ok for you to leave him to look after your child whilst you go off for an unknown length of time.

I’d be annoyed with DH if he went out to do a couple of quick chores but was gone for three hours without telling me where he is and when he is likely to be back. Well it would never happen in practice because we have more consideration for each other.

So what do you think the problem is here, OP?

Because it isn't your 9 year old daughter's fault or responsibility.

Well, not exactly this situation! But tbh I have been in this situation where it is like a court case and you're cross examined about your actions, your intent, whether it was pre-meditated! et cetera

You can get so sucked in to that that you focus on proving your innocence when what you need to focus on is the fact that it's not a supportive relationship with kindness and give and take.

You're not given the benefit of the doubt and you came home ''braced for a fight because you knew what he's like''.

It just sounds like a point-scoring joyless unsupportive kind of arrangement.

I think you were being a bit U
The way you describe it initially is a 40 min job really. So he probably would have assumed that. Sure you didn’t know the shop would be shut but having a coffee with a friend and turning it into 3 hrs is a bit of a long time - I definitely would have text my dp because I knew he’d be wondering where the hell I was, and we don’t even have kids.

@Aprilx honestly I don't know, maybe that's a fair point. But like I said, I don't expect him to tell me if he's going to be longer than expected, I've asked him previously to let me know if he's going to be late which I feel is a bit different - I hadn't given a time frame or time I planned to be back. And I also have only asked him that previously because I get anxious, which he does not - If I thought he would be worrying that something had happened to me then I would have called. And it's not something I ask him all the time, he often doesn't let me know that he's running late and I don't have a go at him. A couple of weeks ago he went to pick something up, should have been home about an hour and a half/2 hours after he left. I rang him after 2 hours and he said he was delayed, he was gone for 4 hours and I didn't moan at him about this at all.