Partner doesn't ever want to take responsibility

[31andcounting]

Apologies in advance, I imagine this will be a long one.

On Saturday I had planned to grab some milk, go to a music shop to get guitar strings and then drop something off round a friends. I didn't expect to be gone for too long, but didn't say to partner (been together 3 and a half years) when I would be back or how long I thought I would be. I left him and dd (9) at home. I knew he wanted to get on with doing stuff in the garden but he could easily leave dd upstairs (we live in flats) to do this, she's perfectly fine. So didn't think that there was any limit on my time, neither of us had anything else planned for the day.
I ended up taking a while longer than I expected - the music shop wasn't open at the time it said on the website so I had to hang around for about 40 minutes. Then went to friends and had a coffee and chat. All in all I was gone just under 3 hours. After about an hour and 40mins, partner texts asking where I am. I rang him to let him know and he was clearly pissed off said 'I've got things to do' and hung up on me. I finished my coffee and headed home, I was bracing myself for a fight (because I know him) so when I got back I did say 'what the hell are you mad about', which I appreciate was not the best way to start a conversation. I explained about the shop not being open, that I had done exactly what I said I was doing and that it didn't stop him getting stuff done in the garden. I rarely leave him caring for dd alone so it's not like this is a regular occurrence. He got really angry, seemingly more because 'when he takes longer that expected I get annoyed with him'. I feel that this is unfair and mostly untrue. I have in the past asked him to let me know if he's going to be late because I do get a bit panicky worrying that something has happened to him if he's not back at the time he's supposed to be. But I don't get mad at him, I just feel anxious until he's back and have previously asked him to let me know if he's going to be late. The only times I've ever been annoyed is if I need him home for some reason (like if I need to go to an appointment or something like that). I feel this situation is different as I hadn't given a time and he wasn't waiting on me so he could do something. Yes I could have called to let him know about the shop and that I was going to be a bit longer than I thought, but I really don't think the situation deserves him being so angry. And he's now treating me as if I'm the one who's done something wrong, whereas I think I did nothing wrong and his anger and unpleasantness are what is really bad. Do other people think that he's right? I really do try to reflect and consider the ways in which I may be at fault but I really don't feel like I am, and he's so certain that I am 🤷‍♀️

Honestly I think it's poor communication on your part. If you were going to take longer you should have let him know. I've a ds with my partner and I'd let him know if I was going to be longer than I thought and vice versa.

Though I think he's pissed off with you rather than being An Angry Man in charge of your dd

If this was a Step Mum posting on the stepmum's board that her DP had gone out and left he to look after his child, everyone would be saying he was 'using' her for childcare and that it wasn't her job to parent his DC etc etc

I always find there are a lot of double standards when it's the other way round!

If it was my step child I would at least expect to be asked first

@SpindleWhorl I don't understand your comment about it being dds responsibility?

I think the problem is that he got so angry over something that I personally don't think is a massive deal. I agree that I could have rung and let him know I was going to be a bit longer, that would have been considerate. Though as I said, he could carry on doing exactly what he wanted to do whether I was home or not, so me being longer 'shouldn't' have negatively affected him at all. But I would have held my hands up to that if he had calmly expressed that he would have appreciated it if I'd done that. But I think being so cross is a massive overreaction and that it's not okay that he's treating me like I've done something terrible.

But you title says your partner doesn't ever want to take responsibility so it's not just about being out for a bit longer

Stop leaving your your young daughter with an adult male you don’t even think is nice, on top of that - who has made it clear he doesn’t want to look after your daughter. This is a recipe for disaster. Do you have any concept of where and by whom the vast majority of abuse of children occurs? And every single one of those like you thought: not in my home.

Wake up, YOU take responsibility for your own child.

@lucy5236 I appreciate that, but as I said, our relationship doesn't work that way. He treats my daughter as if she's his own, he is actively involved in parenting her etc. We both believe that we should live our lives this way, he definitely does not think he's being used as 'free childcare'.

Honestly you sound like a bit of a hypocrite. You want him to check in with you when he takes longer than expected but don't do the same. And blaming it on your anxiety isn't fair, the consequence is still the same and will have the same effect, he gets checked up on if he stays out longer than planned. It's a bit controlling on your part.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe yes you're right, I was explaining what I think the problem is about that particular issue. The other issue being that he doesn't seem to ever want to accept responsibility for his negative behaviours. I've a lot of thoughts going round my head about the problems in our relationship, so when I wrote the title I was thinking about that but the content of the post has focused more on the particular event.

@user1471457751 perhaps, and that is why I posted. I really don't feel like I'm wrong but I just don't know.

Also, he doesn't get 'checked up upon' if he's longer than planned, I've just asked previously for him to let me know if he's running late. I just feel anxious in myself and have asked if he would let me know so I don't have that. I haven't insisted he let me know and I haven't had a go at him when he hasn't.

@Gucci1961

Well, not exactly this situation! But tbh I have been in this situation where it is like a court case and you're cross examined about your actions, your intent, whether it was pre-meditated! et cetera

You can get so sucked in to that that you focus on proving your innocence when what you need to focus on is the fact that it's not a supportive relationship with kindness and give and take.

You're not given the benefit of the doubt and you came home ''braced for a fight because you knew what he's like''.

It just sounds like a point-scoring joyless unsupportive kind of arrangement.

Yes @Gucci1961 it does feel a lot like point scoring. A lot of the time I feel like we're against each other, rather than the 'team' I feel we should be :(

You haven’t explained how he’s not taking responsibility. He literally took responsibility for your child, your child, while you sodded off on a 3 hour jolly that you’d told him was a 40 minute chore.

You didn’t have the courtesy to let him know how late you were going to be. It would have taken seconds to send a message.

To later on top of that that you ask him for updates on his movements and blame anxiety is truly

Be a bit more considerate, less hypocritical and you might find life runs more smoothly.

@AnneLovesGilbert I didn't tell him I wasn't going to be 40 minutes..?!

And how many times do I have to say that I have previously asked him to let me know if he's going to be late and never moaned at him when he hasn't.

If he was doing the exact same thing I did, going to pick something up and then stopping at a friends to drop something off, I would expect him to spend a bit of time chatting to that friend and would not be annoyed that he took a while unless I needed him to be home for some reason, and I had told him that I needed him home beforehand.

Doesn’t sound like an enjoyable way to live, where’s the fun? The easiness? How does it benefit your daughter to live with your boyfriend? (I don’t care about the answers, just things to ask yourself)

[quote 31andcounting]@AnneLovesGilbert I didn't tell him I wasn't going to be 40 minutes..?! [/quote]
*was

My ex used to do that all the time and it really enjoyed me.

If you say you're going to do a specific thing that you know is going to take x time but actually disappear for hours it is annoying.

Not because you're not allowed or it is unreasonable for you to be away for longer, but because someone is expecting you back at a certain time. In this case to start gardening.

You should have rung him telling him that you're having to hang around for 40 mins and then you're popping to see a friend so not sure when you'll be back.

Different if you say you're going out and not sure when you'll be back as you have no firm plans.

I don't expect him to tell me if he's going to be longer than expected, I've asked him previously to let me know if he's going to be late which I feel is a bit different very kindly, this is quite subtle, I’m not sure most people would understand the difference. Basically, someone is expected to be back around a certain time and turns up later.

I also have only asked him that previously because I get anxious, which he does not This might matter to you, but really if one party is supposed to let the other one know when they are late then it should work both ways, regardless of the reason.

I didn't tell him I wasn't going to be 40 minutes all errands have an expected timeframe though, your answer is quite hypocritical. If he tells you he is off to buy bread and not back after 3h wouldn’t you wonder where he was? Even though he wouldn’t have explicitly said how long he would be?

From your DP’s POV: you let him home in charge of your 9yo with the expectation that you’d be back at x time. You usually asks him to let him know when he is home later than expected. Naturally he is annoyed at the double standard.
You then refuse to acknowledge that you are in the wrong.

@Carbara no it's not. Things are good/great when we don't have conflict. But conflict is a part of life and we don't deal with it in a productive or healthy way. I have tried to implement some strategies I've found online/in books, which have been effective to some degree. We have discussed going to couples counselling as I think we would both benefit from an independent person helping us to see each others point of view and keep disagreements on topic. Partner has been open to doing this but with all the lockdowns etc we just haven't organised it yet.

@Sakurami thank you, as I said I feel like because I didn't say how long I would be it's not like I was 'late'. I do appreciate that it would have been considerate to ring and let him know, and I'm not disagreeing about that at all. I just feel like he has massively overreacted. It would be reasonable to be a bit annoyed, but not furious. Also, as I said, he did not need me to return to be able to start gardening, he could have done this whether I was home or not.

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee I appreciate the points you've made. And I'm generally with you on the double standards and fairness. But surely consideration of people's differing anxieties/preferences is normal in considerate relationships?! And yes sometimes there's an element of treat others as you'd like to be treated, but I think it's okay and normal for someone else to want to be treated a little differently based on their anxieties/preferences and you get to decide whether you're willing to do that or not. As I said, I haven't insisted he let me know, just expressed a preference for it.

Yes if he went out for an errand and was gone for longer than expected I would wonder where he was. But after a bit of time I'd just ring him and ask.. and if there was a reasonable explanation and I didn't need him home for some reason I'd just wait for him to get back. And if I did need him back for some reason I'd say that. I wouldn't just get really angry with him.

if I did need him back for some reason I'd say that. I wouldn't just get really angry with him
Fair point.
All in all, I suggest you both apologize, you for not keeping him updated, him for being mad. Seems like a silly issue in hindsight, especially if you are good usually :)

YABU. Not only do you have double standard with lateness but you were very aggressive when you got home so no wonder things got out of hand.

I do appreciate that it would have been considerate to ring and let him know, and I'm not disagreeing about that at all. I just feel like he has massively overreacted.

But OP you need to take responsibly for escalating this, to a silly level.

You knew he was annoyed and instead of being an adult and trying to have an adult conversation when you got home, you did the following:

I finished my coffee and headed home, I was bracing myself for a fight (because I know him) so when I got back I did say 'what the hell are you mad about', which I appreciate was not the best way to start a conversation.

If you had said to him "I appreciate I should have let you know I was going to be longer than you'd have thought, but I don't think it warranted you snapping my head off" or something like that then you'd have potentially been able to salvage this.

Instead, you caused the issue then also exacerbated and escalating it with the attitude you responded with.

If he 'doesn't ever want to take responsibility' as per your thread title, what on earth are you doing living with him with your daughter? That's such an unhealthy dynamic to show her while she's growing up and at 9 she is soaking this all in as modelling for her future relationships as an adult.

If this was a Step Mum posting on the stepmum's board that her DP had gone out and left he to look after his child, everyone would be saying he was 'using' her for childcare and that it wasn't her job to parent his DC etc etc

I always find there are a lot of double standards when it's the other way round!

Really? You must have missed the recent thread by the woman who’s ex was telling her she had to keep her “step daughter” (they were never actually married) full time whilst he went off to live with his new girlfriend. About 50% of the posters seemed to think this woman should accept this unrelated child as her responsibility.

You sound like hard work OP. You didn't communicate to your partner then you were snappy to him thereby starting an argument.
You're also arguing against what previous posters are saying and have double standards.
Just apologise and move on.