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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I overreacting? Need some outside opinions/advice.

65 replies

RemainingAnonymousForNow · 23/05/2021 14:23

I'm 26, he's 27 and we've been seeing each other for a year. Some things to note:

We are exclusive but he doesn't want the commitment of a relationship.
I stay at his place once/twice a week.

Now, the other weekend it was my birthday. I got him some lovely gifts and a card and we spent a nice evening together in lockdown for his birthday.

My birthday rolls around and he tells me he's overspent this month and therefore won't be getting me anything (not even a card) despite the fact that over the few weeks leading up to it, he'd been out multiple times with other people - not me. He went out with 2 guys from work and a female from work too without asking me once. I even said the weeks before, I just want to have a special night with him as it's my first birthday without my mum (she passed away) - I didn't expect anything big. Just to feel special.

The night of my birthday comes and I got a 15 minute call at 11:30pm after he'd been at work and gaming before he went to bed and that was it. No card or anything else even though he's now been paid.

He didn't really apologise, just acknowledged that I was upset.

I know that typing this that I may come across as expecting too much since we aren't official but I'm not sure.

The worst thing was celebrating my birthday without my mum, and the person who's meant to be there for me and make me feel wanted and special couldn't have made that less obvious if he tried.

tl;dr: Guy I'm seeing got me no card or present (and didn't even give me any of his time) on my birthday axnd blamed money issues despite going out to the pub three times with three different people.

OP posts:

hamstersarse · 23/05/2021 14:27

He sounds very lacking in potential.

He might not be a huge dickhead, but he certainly has a sprinkling of it

I’d cut your losses.

l2b2 · 23/05/2021 14:27

I'd be so disgusted by his lack of thought/effort, it would change the way I felt about him. I think that would be it really for me.
I'm sorry about your Mum OP

WithIcePlease · 23/05/2021 14:28

I'd call it a day myself

ChaToilLeam · 23/05/2021 14:29

Ditch him. I’m sorry OP, you deserve better than to be this idiot’s afterthought.

CupoTeap · 23/05/2021 14:30

He's demonstrating where you stand, take note!

category12 · 23/05/2021 14:31

Why are you accepting such an arrangement in the first place? It sounds shit. Don't you deserve more?

FetchezLaVache · 23/05/2021 14:31

Dump. He almost went out of his way to not make your birthday special. He clearly sees you as a FWB, whereas you see him as a boyfriend. He's definitely not a keeper.

Really sorry about your mum.

Original poster

RemainingAnonymousForNow · 23/05/2021 14:32

@l2b2

I'd be so disgusted by his lack of thought/effort, it would change the way I felt about him. I think that would be it really for me. I'm sorry about your Mum OP

Thank you

OP posts:

Craftycorvid · 23/05/2021 14:32

Good heavens! Yes, dump his arse. So sorry about your mum. Men can be thoughtless in relation to occasions such as birthdays, but the lack of sensitivity around a bereavement is a very bad sign. He just doesn’t seem at all mature.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2021 14:32

You are totally wasting your time with this twat. Just dump him already.

Hadalifeonce · 23/05/2021 14:33

Just the... You've been seeing each other for a year, exclusively, and he doesn't consider you to be in a relationship. Gets my back up, what's it going to take for him to think of you two as a couple?
I don't think this will change OP, you need to seriously look at what you want going forward.

Fyredraca · 23/05/2021 14:33

Why would you want to be not officially in a relationship? I don't get that, surely if you are together then it's a relationship? Well it is when it suits him (when you buy him presents) but the rest of the time not.
I don't see what's in this for you

Original poster

RemainingAnonymousForNow · 23/05/2021 14:33

@category12

Why are you accepting such an arrangement in the first place? It sounds shit. Don't you deserve more?

It does sound shit honestly. My mum passed away 6 months ago and the thought of ending this and going through more sadness just hurts my head... so I've been putting it off. But things are adding up now.

OP posts:

Tk5787338 · 23/05/2021 14:33

Well it’s not really going to go anywhere is it.....? Do you want more commitment, living together, marriage, kids etc? As if you do then this isn’t the person for you.
I also think the birthday stuff is awful and I’m sorry this sounds harsh but if someone is showing that they don’t care then take note.

OrchestraOfWankery · 23/05/2021 14:33

He isn't that into you OP.

We are exclusive but he doesn't want the commitment of a relationship.

I stay at his place once/twice a week.

He wants the benefit of regular guaranteed sex, with no effort on his part.

Value yourself more, and throw this one back.

Losing your mum may have made you vulnerable, and men like him will take full advantage of vulnerable women.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2021 14:33

He doesn't even treat you like a friend. Please raise your standards.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 23/05/2021 14:34

Spending time with you would cost nowt. Time and consideration is especially important for this birthday.

It isn’t the lack of presents for me, it is the lack of thought.

You matter not in his world.

Aprilwasverywet · 23/05/2021 14:34

You are a booty call.
He just hasn't the balls to tell you.

AngusThermopyle · 23/05/2021 14:35

Sorry to hear about your mum.
Dump him, and don't be sad, be happy. You'll be doing yourself a favour and saving future you from a lot of heartache from a grade A prick.

hamstersarse · 23/05/2021 14:35

You will find that once you do what your gut is telling you to do, you’ll feel the opposite of sad. You’ll feel empowered and in control of your life

Original poster

RemainingAnonymousForNow · 23/05/2021 14:36

@Aquamarine1029

He doesn't even treat you like a friend. Please raise your standards.

We started seeing each other while my mum's health was failing (we knew it was terminal) and so he was a nice distraction and a happy place for me. Now I'm not really sure.

OP posts:

Moonshine160 · 23/05/2021 14:36

Hugs to you, OP, and I’m sorry about your mum.

He sounds like a dickhead. The fact that he’s saying you are exclusive but can’t commit to a proper relationship shows that he just wants you there when it benefits HIM. I know this sounds harsh but he clearly doesn’t care for you that much. Dump him and find someone that deserves your time.
Do you have friends around you that can support you? I know it’s hard when you’ve already had a recent loss but you really are much better off without him.

sunnyzweibrucken · 23/05/2021 14:37

Like a pp said it seems almost deliberate that he did so little for your bday. Because it’s your first bday since your moms passing I would think he would be extra sensitive to your feelings. I couldn’t get past this as he seems like an insensitive, cold, emotionally unavailable prick.

baileys6904 · 23/05/2021 14:38

I usually spend my time on this forum defending a lot of the men and trying to give a different perspective as I believe it is highly biased.
However, in this case, dump his arse. He doesn't deserve you. This is meant to be the good part of a relationship. Expect more and find someone that'll give it you.
So sorry to hear about your mum as well. You may not be ready to lose him so soon afterwards, it may just s be a time that you can start mentally getting ready for the break. Have you got friends to support you?

Twizbe · 23/05/2021 14:38

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's time to get rid though. He doesn't care about you. That was obvious from the 'exclusive but not relationship' part.

Dump and move on

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