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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting? Need some outside opinions/advice.

65 replies

RemainingAnonymousForNow · 23/05/2021 14:23

I'm 26, he's 27 and we've been seeing each other for a year. Some things to note:

  • We are exclusive but he doesn't want the commitment of a relationship.
  • I stay at his place once/twice a week.

Now, the other weekend it was my birthday. I got him some lovely gifts and a card and we spent a nice evening together in lockdown for his birthday.

My birthday rolls around and he tells me he's overspent this month and therefore won't be getting me anything (not even a card) despite the fact that over the few weeks leading up to it, he'd been out multiple times with other people - not me. He went out with 2 guys from work and a female from work too without asking me once. I even said the weeks before, I just want to have a special night with him as it's my first birthday without my mum (she passed away) - I didn't expect anything big. Just to feel special.

The night of my birthday comes and I got a 15 minute call at 11:30pm after he'd been at work and gaming before he went to bed and that was it. No card or anything else even though he's now been paid.

He didn't really apologise, just acknowledged that I was upset.

I know that typing this that I may come across as expecting too much since we aren't official but I'm not sure.

The worst thing was celebrating my birthday without my mum, and the person who's meant to be there for me and make me feel wanted and special couldn't have made that less obvious if he tried.

tl;dr: Guy I'm seeing got me no card or present (and didn't even give me any of his time) on my birthday axnd blamed money issues despite going out to the pub three times with three different people.

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 23/05/2021 14:38

He’s not that into you.

Don’t settle for less than you want or deserve because “it’s better than being alone”. It isn’t. If you weren’t seeing this guy you would have made other plans for your birthday, even if that was only ordering in a nice takeaway and watching your favourite movie. As it is, you’re hoping he’ll show you some affection despite him telling you in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t want to be “the person who's meant to be there for you and make you feel wanted and special” - he wants to be the person who has sex with you when he’s not busy gaming or out with his friends at the pub.

Give yourself the best birthday gift you can by dumping his useless arse and focussing on yourself until you meet someone who can actually be bothered to give a shit about you. Flowers

Deathgrip · 23/05/2021 14:40

We are exclusive but he doesn't want the commitment of a relationship

Contradiction in terms. He’s a massive twat even before the birthday. You are so young, why are you wasting your valuable time on someone who doesn’t even want to be in a proper relationship? Find someone who values you!

category12 · 23/05/2021 14:43

I think it's had its time - it worked for you for a while when you needed a distraction. Sorry for your loss. Flowers

But it's turning into something that will drag you down as he's not willing to offer much and isn't meeting your emotional needs, nor even what you'd expect from a friend.

I think the long term effects of dragging this out will be more detrimental than going through the short term pain of ending things with him.

TheMotherlode · 23/05/2021 14:43

If you haven’t yet read the book ‘he’s just not that into you’, I’d really recommend it (not the same thing as the film). It really opened my eyes to relationships like this. The key takeaway is - if a man really likes you he will make it clear, if he’s treating you like this ‘he’s just not that into you’. It isn’t your fault so don’t try to change yourself, and don’t sit around waiting for him to change his mind and start treating you better, he won’t. Move on, stop wasting your time and find someone who really likes you and treats you as well as you deserve.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, it must have been a very tough year for you. Do you have friends you can lean on instead?

Original poster
RemainingAnonymousForNow · 23/05/2021 14:52

I think I will end things in the coming week or so.

I got a promotion in January and as of tomorrow, will be in a managerial position so I want to focus on bettering myself and making my mum proud wherever she is. She'd hate to see me so sad about someone who clearly doesn't care about me.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it so much

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 23/05/2021 14:57

I got a promotion in January and as of tomorrow, will be in a managerial position so I want to focus on bettering myself and making my mum proud wherever she is. She'd hate to see me so sad about someone who clearly doesn't care about me.

That’s great. Do it for yourself as well as your mum, you should be proud of what you’ve achieved and should with someone who can also be happy for you and build you up, not leave you wondering and feeling insecure.

OrchestraOfWankery · 23/05/2021 15:01

Yes OP! your mum wouldn't want this one sided 'relationship' for you. I know this as mum to adult DDs myself.
Flowers

Etinox · 23/05/2021 15:03

Onwards and upwards @RemainingAnonymousForNow!
He was a nice distraction while you were losing your lovely mum, but the relationship has run its course.
Flowers

LadyLolaRuben · 23/05/2021 15:04

I'd see this "situation" (because its not a relationship) as having served its purpose - a distraction at the time of your poor mum's illness. He's not offering anything, not even friends with benefits, as friends don't treat each other like that. You deserve a proper relationship, this guy is taking what he wants when he wants it.

Flowers500 · 23/05/2021 15:07

I’m so sorry for your loss, and happy birthday.

You need to be brutally honest with yourself—you’re nothing more than fuckbuddys/friends with benefits, actually it doesn’t even sound like you’re friends. You need to get as far away from him as possible, he’s just going to mess with your mind and distract you from what you want.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2021 15:10

I think I will end things in the coming week or so.

Do it now. Today. Don't waste another day. All the twat deserves is a quick call and then block.

minmooch · 23/05/2021 15:17

Do not waste another moment with this man. He does not care for you. Your mum would be so proud of your promotion. Now make her proud that you won't put up with shit from this waster.

Make the decision to dump him and you will feel much more powerful than you do now.

Oenanthe · 23/05/2021 15:17

You don't need to go through the drama of 'ending it', OP. There is no 'it'. Just block him and forget him.

HollowTalk · 23/05/2021 15:20

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. That's a really tough thing, especially at such a young age.

There are so many red flags in your opening post. I'll just go through them:

We are exclusive but he doesn't want the commitment of a relationship Yet you've been seeing him for a year - he can't even accept it's a relationship? What a waste of time he is.

I stay at his place once/twice a week Does he ever trouble himself to come to yours? Is all of the effort down to you? If you couldn't get there for whatever reason, would he come to you? Pay for a taxi for you? Come to get you?

My birthday rolls around and he tells me he's overspent this month and therefore won't be getting me anything (not even a card) He's absolutely horrible - he's not even a friend to you, never mind a boyfriend - and worse still I got him some lovely gifts and a card and we spent a nice evening together in lockdown for his birthday. He's a selfish user.

Despite the fact that over the few weeks leading up to it, he'd been out multiple times with other people - not me. He went out with 2 guys from work and a female from work too without asking me once. He doesn't even see you as his friend, never mind his girlfriend. He spent all his money out with other people and wouldn't even buy you a birthday card.

I even said the weeks before, I just want to have a special night with him as it's my first birthday without my mum (she passed away) - I didn't expect anything big. Just to feel special. He couldn't do that. In his mind, he's the special one, not you. Again, he's selfish, thoughtless and a user.

The night of my birthday comes and I got a 15 minute call at 11:30pm after he'd been at work and gaming You can see exactly where you are on his list of priorities.

I may come across as expecting too much since we aren't official You really aren't expecting too much. You have to value yourself more.

I don't understand how you're not in a relationship with him but you're exclusive. It wouldn't surprise me if he wanted you to be exclusive (as in not seeing anyone) but doesn't apply the same rule to himself.

Think what your mum would advise you to do. Would she want you to be with someone who values you so little? Who's so utterly selfish and thoughtless?

I have a daughter around your age and the thought of someone not valuing her would just break my heart. Think how much your mum loves you - that's what you deserve in a boyfriend. Think how your good friends treat you - that's what you need in a boyfriend.

This man is absolutely awful and I think you should think about why you're putting up with so much shit from him. Did your mum have a good relationship with your dad? Can you think of a couple you know who have a really good relationship? If you can, next time you have a boyfriend, measure him against the guy in the couple where you know it's a healthy loving relationship.

Flowers
AlmostSummer21 · 23/05/2021 15:21

[quote RemainingAnonymousForNow]I think I will end things in the coming week or so.

I got a promotion in January and as of tomorrow, will be in a managerial position so I want to focus on bettering myself and making my mum proud wherever she is. She'd hate to see me so sad about someone who clearly doesn't care about me.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it so much

Original poster
RemainingAnonymousForNow · 23/05/2021 15:27

@HollowTalk

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. That's a really tough thing, especially at such a young age.

There are so many red flags in your opening post. I'll just go through them:

We are exclusive but he doesn't want the commitment of a relationship Yet you've been seeing him for a year - he can't even accept it's a relationship? What a waste of time he is.

I stay at his place once/twice a week Does he ever trouble himself to come to yours? Is all of the effort down to you? If you couldn't get there for whatever reason, would he come to you? Pay for a taxi for you? Come to get you?

My birthday rolls around and he tells me he's overspent this month and therefore won't be getting me anything (not even a card) He's absolutely horrible - he's not even a friend to you, never mind a boyfriend - and worse still I got him some lovely gifts and a card and we spent a nice evening together in lockdown for his birthday. He's a selfish user.

Despite the fact that over the few weeks leading up to it, he'd been out multiple times with other people - not me. He went out with 2 guys from work and a female from work too without asking me once. He doesn't even see you as his friend, never mind his girlfriend. He spent all his money out with other people and wouldn't even buy you a birthday card.

I even said the weeks before, I just want to have a special night with him as it's my first birthday without my mum (she passed away) - I didn't expect anything big. Just to feel special. He couldn't do that. In his mind, he's the special one, not you. Again, he's selfish, thoughtless and a user.

The night of my birthday comes and I got a 15 minute call at 11:30pm after he'd been at work and gaming You can see exactly where you are on his list of priorities.

I may come across as expecting too much since we aren't official You really aren't expecting too much. You have to value yourself more.

I don't understand how you're not in a relationship with him but you're exclusive. It wouldn't surprise me if he wanted you to be exclusive (as in not seeing anyone) but doesn't apply the same rule to himself.

Think what your mum would advise you to do. Would she want you to be with someone who values you so little? Who's so utterly selfish and thoughtless?

I have a daughter around your age and the thought of someone not valuing her would just break my heart. Think how much your mum loves you - that's what you deserve in a boyfriend. Think how your good friends treat you - that's what you need in a boyfriend.

This man is absolutely awful and I think you should think about why you're putting up with so much shit from him. Did your mum have a good relationship with your dad? Can you think of a couple you know who have a really good relationship? If you can, next time you have a boyfriend, measure him against the guy in the couple where you know it's a healthy loving relationship.

Flowers

Wow. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to write this. To the part in your final paragraph - yes, my parents were married for 30 years, together for 35 and he held her hand as she passed away.

I think perhaps all the grief I've been going through has meant I've just tried focusing on the times when he makes me happy - mostly when we're actually together and then I go back to feeling insignificant again.

I feel very stupid honestly for letting someone treat me this way and then staying and convincing myself that it'll turn out okay - but I've hit breaking point with it all. I'm sad daily and obviously receive no emotional support from him - not a surprising a fact.

I just wish I would've seen the signs earlier (even though it seems obvious) and not wasted a year of my life on it all :(

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 23/05/2021 15:30

@Oenanthe

You don't need to go through the drama of 'ending it', OP. There is no 'it'. Just block him and forget him.
This is true. There's actually nothing to end.

Blocking him is important, though, as this type will try to reel you back in as he's used to getting regular sex with you.

HollowTalk · 23/05/2021 18:25

I agree with the others - blocking is the way to go. I'd send one message just saying "This isn't working for me now" and then block him. He doesn't deserve more of an explanation.

It's because you're so nice and believe the best in people that you've ended up in this situation. Next time, just think, "Would my dad have treated my mum like that?" and if the answer's "No" then get rid. You are so lucky to have had such great parents and they were so lucky to have each other, too.

category12 · 23/05/2021 19:23

Congratulations on your promotion. Well done.

Opaljewel · 23/05/2021 19:40

What a miserly and miserable arsehole. Give yourself the best birthday present ever and get rid of him. Everyone deserves basic kindness. Even if he was skint, he could have planned a nice free activity or even spent some time with you. Exclusive or not, to me it shows how someone is on what time they are willing to spend on you. Put this one in the bin.

billy1966 · 23/05/2021 19:41

You poor poor pet.
I'm so sorry.
How absolutely devastating for you to lose your mum.

You deserve better than this selfish pig.

Block his ass.
He doesn't deserve ANY explanation whatsoever.

Take back your self respect by blocking him.

Congratulations on the new position.
Throw yourself into this and take time to grieve.

I would strongly recommend some counselling to give you that extra bit of support.

I'm sure your mum was very proud of you.
You sound like a great young woman.
Flowers

DoingItMyself · 23/05/2021 19:42

Ditch him.

itsmellslikepopcarn · 23/05/2021 19:43

Dump his ass! Dating for a year with still no commitment tells you everything you need to know. You deserve a lot better.

RandomMess · 23/05/2021 19:46
Thanks

I agree with just blocking him.

You are a decent caring thoughtful person, he is clearly not.

Ditching him means you are emotionally freed to pursue someone else when you're ready.

Sorry about your Mum

ohfourfoxache · 23/05/2021 21:23

You didn’t waste a year - he served a purpose when you were going through hell

Now he’s less of a distraction, and more of a thoughtless tosser - so exactly what you don’t need at the moment

Move on, there is better out there for you