Depressed fiancé, feeling confused by his strange behavior

[Maddie781]

My fiancé is going through a major depressive episode. He had one previously when he was much younger and it was so bad he was an in-patient for several months, but he's been generally fine for 15 years.

This came on after a period of prolonged trauma (not understating the word trauma it was a considerably frightening set of events) and he found hard to cope with it all emotionally. At first he got ill with various stress complaints, then panic attacks, then uncontrollable crying, then detachment and so on.

He's currently working away from home at the moment and so I am not physically with him and finding it very hard. We have had visits, and when he is with me, he gets better within a few days and I start to feel like everything is getting better, but he insists on continuing working away so once he goes back he gets very bad again quickly.

I have been doing all I can do and being as supportive as possible but I have a few questions I'd really appreciate if people could answer because I feel like I am in constant pain from this.

1. This started in February, since then, I feel like I have lost the man I love. He still says he loves me, but the sense of warmth and excitement he used to have for me seemed to go overnight. I used to be able to make him happy just by walking into a room - now he just seems cold and detached from me emotionally. Is this part of depression?

1. I am confused about why he refuses to come home so I can take care of him. He gets much better at home, but insists on going off to be alone. I feel a bit like he has detached from me and doesn't even want to be with me, whereas he used to miss me like crazy. Is this part of depression?

1. He seems to be having doubts about our wedding all of a sudden (late summer) and our future, whereas literally days before the anxiety and depression came on, he was the most excited man ever. Suddenly all the things he most dreamed aren't interesting to him. He even says "lets try and think positively about it" as if our future is some horrible thing to endure. Is this part of depression?

1. He vacillates between wanting to talk on the phone or facetime 24 hours a day to the point of being unnervingly clingy, then all of a sudden he wants space and no contact for a few days. We have never been like this with each other, I find it confusing. Is this part of depression?

1. He seems to be rewriting history in a strange perspective in his head. Not just in terms of us, but life in general. Like all of a sudden he can't remember how happy we were just a few months ago. Is this part of depression?

1. He is making slightly crazy decisions. Decisions that just make objectively no sense and which I find hurtful. Like deciding to work away for long when we have the wedding coming up, almost like he's acting like me and our life no longer matter. Is this part of depression?

1. He says strange things which I find hard to understand at times, and he just doesn't seem like himself at all. Sometimes he says things which are unbelievably insensitive, sometimes he has weird rages over small things, sometimes he even gets a bit paranoid. Is this part of depression?

1. He seems to worry about me all the time. To the point where if I don't answer a text he starts calling every five minutes because he thinks something has happened to me. Is this part of depression?

1. He varies between being really bleak and down, to being really anxious and scared to being really robotic. Is this part of depression?

I want to reassure everyone reading that I am doing and have done everything humanly possible to help him, but he is pushing me away and will not come home. I can't understand it. I even felt like maybe he decided he didn't want to get married anymore, but when I asked him he started crying and said he couldn't live without me and please not to go.

I have assured him I am not going anywhere, but I feel frightened and confused and really miss the person I love and don't know what's going on or how I bring him back to me.

Can anyone help?

OP, I feel for you I really do. I was with a partner for 18 years who suffered depression, adhd and bipolar. It is hard when you are there for them emotionally. I did it and more and in the process I lost myself and any energy I had. He needs to take responsibility for his health.

I ended it recently. It is no way to live- even if you love the other person. It dragged me down massively. It is a cruel illness but what is also cruel is living a life where your emotional needs will never be reciprocated and you become so mentally drained that eventually you may suffer with your own mental health issues. Sadly you will never have the relationship you would really want with him. It is best your realise that now than 10 or more years down the line.

Postpone the wedding, for starters. Tell him it's for both your sakes, because nobody should ever marry unless they're joyful and excited about the prospect of their future together. Trying to think positively doesn't cut it.

Tell him he needs professional help that you simply aren't trained to give him. Even if you were trained, you wouldn't be allowed to treat him because you're in a relationship.

I suggest you take all the pressure off him and yourself and take a complete break for a month, or ideally three, and see how he progresses. If nothing has improved, I'd give up on this relationship; it's too hard, too uncertain, too risky, and you only have one life.