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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m not sure it’s worth it being without my daughter

81 replies

Proseccodreams · 22/05/2021 21:52

I left my emotionally abusive husband 4 weeks ago but now being without my daughter 7 days a week is just so hard I’m not sure it’s worth it. It’s not how it was meant to be, as a mother I should be with my daughter. And now he wants to share custody having never been involved before and it is just a nightmare being without her for 2 days at a time I just feel so distraught

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 22/05/2021 22:06

It's a time for everyone to adjust Sadhow old is your daughter?

LIZS · 22/05/2021 22:13

Why is she not with you , if you have been main carer? Is she old enough to decide?

RevolvingPivot · 22/05/2021 22:17

Your poor daughter. Have you spoken to her? How is he with her?

RevolvingPivot · 22/05/2021 22:18

When you say 7 days a week do you mean you don't see her at all?

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 22/05/2021 22:39

My daughter is 8 nearly 9. We at the moment are doing 2 nights each and I should never have agreed to it. She get so upset when she leaves me it’s soul destroying. He has now decided he is dad of the year though not sure he can keep it up. I’ve called for an interim mediation on Thursday just to discuss childcare but there’s no way he’ll go back to 1night with him now.
I just feel so sad when I’m not with her, like I’m missing a part of me. I’m not sure it’s worth it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Proseccodreams · 22/05/2021 22:40

Yes Lizs I have always been the main carer until the month I told him it was over and then he decided he wanted to be a part of it

OP posts:
Original poster
Proseccodreams · 22/05/2021 22:42

Revolvingpivot I meant as a mother you should be with your child 7 days a week not with nights apart from her

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2021 22:44

If you don’t have an official agreement you’re not obliged to stick to a two night alternating one. That sounds horrendous. How unsettling for her, and you.

What would happen if you said no, then waited for mediation and you can each state your case?

Her needs should come first.

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 22/05/2021 22:47

I don’t know I’ve thought about it, but could it go against me?

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 22/05/2021 22:49

If it's not court ordered just stop letting him take her.

LIZS · 22/05/2021 22:50

In what way? If you can care for her ft do so but longer term he is likely to have access arrangements.

m0therofdragons · 22/05/2021 22:51

My friend’s Dh did this - purely so he didn’t pay any maintenance as it’s 50:50 and he knew it would hurt df. It was nothing to do with wanting to be with his kids. It means that while with him he fills their heads with shit - talking about df druggie boyfriend (she doesn’t have one but kissed a guy in a nightclub pre covid post their split and her ex found out and decided he was in a nightclub so must be a druggie). He tells dc what a bad mum she is and that she doesn’t love them because she’s happy to be without them and he wishes he could see them every day... forgetting he used to have weeks away with the rugby guys on tour in various countries drinking and partying leaving df home with 3 dc. Sorry it’s no comfort not it’s shit. Dc are starting to see through the bs!

Nannyamc · 22/05/2021 22:57

Mediation before any changes then let the courts decide. As long as children are happy change nothing.
Parental squabbling will only hurt your children.

Embracelife · 22/05/2021 22:58

@Proseccodreams

Revolvingpivot I meant as a mother you should be with your child 7 days a week not with nights apart from her
As a child she should have the chance to be with both parents It is about her not you Sometimes parents can parent better apart. Sometimes it can work out .Sometimes not but the main point us it is about the child s right to be with both parents separately if parents split

If she reports issues of concern with her father you need to take it to court

Some mothers work nights or for other reasons are not 7 nights a week. It s not a legal requirement for mother to be there every night so long as child is cared for.
There is no "should" .

FloodgatesofHell · 22/05/2021 22:59

Oh gosh @Proseccodreams. I think for your daughters wellbeing change to a longer pattern, say 3 with him and 4 with you. If he doesn’t agree then tell him to take you to court. I can’t see them agreeing with 2 days about as it’s not fair on the child.

MindatWork · 22/05/2021 23:02

So sorry you’re going through this op, your H sounds awful.

Is she on a 2-day rotation, so back and forth between for your 2 days at a time? If so I don’t think that’s the best set-up for her regardless - if you’ve not long been separated it will be hugely disruptive to her to be switching back and forward so often.

Is she unhappy the whole time she’s with him or is it just when she leaves you?

KurtWilde · 22/05/2021 23:03

As long as you're offering him time with your DD and respecting her right to see her dad then no, it won't go against you. Tell him it's too unsettling for her and offer him weekends or 2 weekdays depending on work schedules. That's not unreasonable at all.

Embracelife · 22/05/2021 23:03

@Proseccodreams

I left my emotionally abusive husband 4 weeks ago but now being without my daughter 7 days a week is just so hard I’m not sure it’s worth it. It’s not how it was meant to be, as a mother I should be with my daughter. And now he wants to share custody having never been involved before and it is just a nightmare being without her for 2 days at a time I just feel so distraught
It s not been long. You can adjust Your dd can adjust Get used to new routine Adjust if needs be Get mediation

Of course if dd reports issues of concern then you need to report those and get advice

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 22/05/2021 23:05

Embracelife he wasn’t bothered about getting involved the previous 8 years so it really grates that now he wants to

OP posts:
Original poster
Proseccodreams · 22/05/2021 23:08

Mindatwork yes that’s right it was just meant to be an initial rotation to ease her into it. Maybe it’s doing more damage tho if so disruptive to her. In an ideal world she’d be with me and going to him on week day and one day on weekend. He will never go for that now.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 22/05/2021 23:09

Prosecco it's not about what he'll go for it's about what's best for your DD. This is way too unsettling.

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 22/05/2021 23:09

She’s unhappy and anxious when she leaves me, misses me the first day then gets used to it but is that because then she knows she’s coming back to me again

OP posts:
Original poster
Proseccodreams · 22/05/2021 23:12

Just to say thank you so much for responding everyone, it means so much x

OP posts:
Embracelife · 22/05/2021 23:13

@Proseccodreams

Embracelife he wasn’t bothered about getting involved the previous 8 years so it really grates that now he wants to
Of course It grates for you But how does dd feel ? maybe she likes the attention? Maybe it could actually make him better parent? perhaps could be beneficial for dd if it works out

But try get mediation to work a better schedule as suggested
Use a mediation

Dontknowowt · 22/05/2021 23:32

I left my very nasty ex-husband and tbh I do regret it. It went 50:50 when they were just 3 and 6. Seven years on and it's going through courts that I will just see them now every other weekend. He has basically alienated them from me. I should have stayed and tried to put up with the crap because I'm hardly going to see my kids now as his "punishment".
Hindsight is a wonderful thing I guess.