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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m not sure it’s worth it being without my daughter

81 replies

Proseccodreams · 22/05/2021 21:52

I left my emotionally abusive husband 4 weeks ago but now being without my daughter 7 days a week is just so hard I’m not sure it’s worth it. It’s not how it was meant to be, as a mother I should be with my daughter. And now he wants to share custody having never been involved before and it is just a nightmare being without her for 2 days at a time I just feel so distraught

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/05/2021 00:12

I wouldn't like to move back and forth every two days and I'm an adult!

If you're able to focus on coparenting successfully so she can grow a relationship with him, if he's (hopefully) doing this for genuine reasons and not to avoid maintenance then could you maybe do a 3/4 day split including weekends so you each get two full weekends a month with little one?

It must be so tough for you but it needs to be an arrangement that is best for her and if he actually is going to step up then having two parents looking out for her and making the effort to support her that is absolutely best in the long run.

Make sure if he wants 50:50 that he knows that means school holidays too and it's up to him to organise his half of that. Often it's a shock to dads that they have to consider that too!

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 23/05/2021 07:32

I do think eventually we’ll move to a 3/4 arrangement but I just think she should be eased into it. She’s always been with me and whilst she is ok when she’s with him she misses me and leaving me to go to his she becomes upset and anxious. So surely she needs to ease into it and work up to the 3/4 arrangement so she can handle it?

OP posts:
Mandsy100 · 23/05/2021 07:40

I think the 2 day rotation is doing her more harm. She isn't able to feel secure or settled before she has to up and leave. Very unsettling for her and probably adding to the anxiety. I think a 3/4 would probably be much better.

unicornsarereal72 · 23/05/2021 07:57

I wouldn't like 2 day rotation. She must feel she never settles anywhere. Mediation/court Tackle it from what is best for dd point of view. They need consistency. And to feel secure. She needs to be heard. Could you ask school for some Elsa support for her so someone impartial is listening to her wishes.

I have a bullying ex. He was rubbish with seeing the kids. Dropping things at last minute changing plans etc. It meant we were always sat around waiting. So I stuck hard to the eow. If he misses it. He waited until next time. He hated it. Felt controlled etc. I just stick fast to the children need consistency and routine. He couldn't argue with that. And in time he stopped messing us about. It has taken me years to see his behaviour as an adult having and tantrum. I don't give it any attention. And the bad behaviour towards me has stopped because it doesn't get the response he wants.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/05/2021 08:01

if thats how he was before a non father then I seriously doubt he will keep this up. Ignore him, grey rock him, he will soon get fed up with being a 50% "father", he is doing it now to spite you.

Oreo01 · 23/05/2021 08:28

4/3 arrangment seems sensible.

I really don't understand some of the logic here though. Of course it's going to be different once you are separated. Both parents if they love the child will miss them greatly, even if it was one parent that did the greater share of the day to day care.

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 23/05/2021 08:32

I’m sorry I know this seems illogical I just want to ease her distress. I agree 3/4 will settle her but shouldn’t she ease into it, it’s only been 4 weeks since we split?

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 23/05/2021 08:34

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

if thats how he was before a non father then I seriously doubt he will keep this up. Ignore him, grey rock him, he will soon get fed up with being a 50% "father", he is doing it now to spite you.
My ex was like this, said he was going to try to get custody just to spite me, what worked was me saying I was looking forward to having the time off and had plans to go away for weekends and go out a lot with my friends. He never tried for custody and barely ever saw the kids as he didn't want me to go out and meet anyone new. Perfect 👌
Original poster
Proseccodreams · 23/05/2021 08:35

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you all talking this through with me. I genuinely just want to do what’s best for my daughter

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 23/05/2021 08:36

@Proseccodreams

I’m sorry I know this seems illogical I just want to ease her distress. I agree 3/4 will settle her but shouldn’t she ease into it, it’s only been 4 weeks since we split?
Nothing to ease into at this stage, it’s only an extra day. This 2 days system just now must me incredibly confusing and damaging for everyone concerned.
JackieWeaverFever · 23/05/2021 08:42

Does she even want go see him? What is her preference.
2 day switching would be horrid for an adult let alone a child so stop it now.

Tell him clearly in writing the impact it is having. Factually describe the distress/issues and say you are switching to every other weekend/whatever.

2021mumma · 23/05/2021 08:46

I saw your previous post about him being abusive- are you sure she isn’t now being affected by him and him taking his anger for you leaving out on her? I would be fighting for her to be with me full-time can you see a lawyer? They do free initial sessions and maybe you could be entitled to some help? Or call women’s aid. I don’t think I could leave my children with a man like that.

HalzTangz · 23/05/2021 08:48

@Proseccodreams

Embracelife he wasn’t bothered about getting involved the previous 8 years so it really grates that now he wants to
Whether it grates now or not, he's her dad and he has the same right as you to spend time with his daughter. It's been 4 weeks, of course your daughter is upset, she's still adjusting, however as others have said raise her getting upset in mediation and agree a mutual change. Do all this without getting bitter and argumentative, he's her dad regardless of your personal opinion. You say no mother should be without a child, well neither should no father, and more importantly a child needs both parents (the only time a child wouldn't is if one parent was abusive to the child)

Are you being sad or saying things when it's time for her to go to dad's that she's picking up on, and therefore getting upset?

Lozzerbmc · 23/05/2021 08:48

I think the every 2 days thing is very disruptive. I mean would you and your husband like moving back and forth every 2 days? Wouldnt it be better to say to him calmly whats best for her is to live with you and he see her every other weekend and one night in the week? She is anxious and she needs some stability. He is only getting involved more to spite you and to pay less maintenance in future if its 50:50. He is not doing it for her benefit. He’d need to fight you in court and i can imagjne he’d be bothered enough to do that?

Have you had some legal advice? If not i’d get some asap so you know your rights. Your daughter should be with you.

Spandang · 23/05/2021 08:50

We switched DSS who has major anxiety, from a 2/2/3 rotation to a 3/4 rotation and OP, honestly, the difference it has made is unbelievable. He is doing much better at school, much calmer, much more manageable and visibly less anxiety.

Seriously consider it. To be honest if I stayed in a hotel for a fortnight and they asked me to move rooms every two days I wouldn’t know whether I was coming or going.

Whatever you do you just have to make it easy for her, don’t cart loads of stuff back and forth, separate uniform and clothes out for you and Dad, keep it at both houses then she arrives and is ready to go, there’s no packing/unpacking to feel sad about.

We also don’t do pick up and drop offs to the home. And that helps hugely. So the kids go to school, they stay in school, other parent picks them up. That way there’s no conflict between us, and it basically lies within their routine, making it...not a big deal.

OP out of curiosity are you picking her up every day after school then sending her to Dad?

Lozzerbmc · 23/05/2021 08:51

cant imagine he’d fight you in court.

I hate the way men are only bothered about their children when they are set to loose them and not before.

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 23/05/2021 09:03

No whoever has her that night is picking her up.
After how long did you switch your DSS to the 3/4 and it worked Spandang?

OP posts:
Spandang · 23/05/2021 09:04

@Lozzerbmc the thing is he doesn’t really need to fight in court. The court’s default position is that both parents should be involved with the child.

So if he says I want two days and she says ‘no’ they will quite often look at the status quo at the moment and take the view that maintaining that will cause the least disruption to the child.

The fact OP is seeing a mediator suggests one of them has already applied for a child arrangement order and if they can’t agree the next step will be a court.

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 23/05/2021 09:05

Lozzerbmc that’s exactly what I want but at the moment he’s refusing to budge. I’m hoping if I stick to my guns in mediation this week that I might get somewhere because say he refuses then we go to solicitors and he won’t like the additional cost so he might relent

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/05/2021 09:05

@Proseccodreams

I do think eventually we’ll move to a 3/4 arrangement but I just think she should be eased into it. She’s always been with me and whilst she is ok when she’s with him she misses me and leaving me to go to his she becomes upset and anxious. So surely she needs to ease into it and work up to the 3/4 arrangement so she can handle it?
See I think you're focusing on the number of days rather than the disruption.

If she is doing 2 days on 2 days off, she is having 7 'moving' days in each fortnight. If she was doing a 3 days on 4 days off she is having 3 or 4 'moving days' which I think is less upheaval for her?

That's just how I look at it, others may think totally differently of course!

Spandang · 23/05/2021 09:07

Literally within two weeks we saw a huge difference. He came home with the whole school award, teacher said his attitude and approach to learning was completely different. We’d noticed it at home too, far fewer episodes of acting up, much easier to calm down. Literally a different child in the behaviour stakes.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/05/2021 09:10

Whatever you do you just have to make it easy for her, don’t cart loads of stuff back and forth, separate uniform and clothes out for you and Dad, keep it at both houses then she arrives and is ready to go, there’s no packing/unpacking to feel sad about.

We also don’t do pick up and drop offs to the home. And that helps hugely. So the kids go to school, they stay in school, other parent picks them up. That way there’s no conflict between us, and it basically lies within their routine, making it...not a big deal.

This is brilliant advice.

reallyreallyborednow · 23/05/2021 09:10

I meant as a mother you should be with your child 7 days a week not with nights apart from her

No. Unless the child is a breastfed baby.

Your child has the right to spend time with both her parents. You cannot invoke “mother” to take her away from her dad. It isn’t about you as a mother being apart from your child.

Have you never spent a night away from her? Sleepovers, family visits etc?

Anyway as I said this is what’s best for your child. If you think he is a risk to her- you say he is abusive, then contact ss/solicitor asap. Stop letting her go. If she is safe with him then you need to work out the best routine for her.

Spandang · 23/05/2021 09:22

that’s exactly what I want but at the moment he’s refusing to budge. I’m hoping if I stick to my guns in mediation this week that I might get somewhere because say he refuses then we go to solicitors and he won’t like the additional cost so he might relent

I’d be careful about this. If he said ‘moving to 3/4 would help her settle’ and you refuse. You’re going to look unreasonable.

A court (should you end up there) will see a copy of the mediator’s report. Or you’ll have to attend it again.

I think just be prepared. If he does take you to court...you honestly have little control over the outcome unless there is involvement from SS or there’s domestic violence and you can demonstrate why he’s an unfit dad.
And even then to be honest, it’s not a clear cut thing.

If he goes all in and pays a solicitor or a McKenzie Friend, he might as well push for 50/50.

toobusytothink · 23/05/2021 09:31

How do you work out the routine that’s best for the children though? Genuine question. My bf has been doing 50:50 for the past year and his ex has now told him it’s stopping. She wants to have them all the time except 1 night a week and EOW. She wants to go to mediation. She is arguing it is best for the kids to have a primary carer (they are 6 and 8 if that makes a difference) and he says it’s best to have 50:50. He has filed a C100 as can’t see mediation ever working. But could it? Do they really help? Thanks