I’m not sure it’s worth it being without my daughter

[Proseccodreams]

I left my emotionally abusive husband 4 weeks ago but now being without my daughter 7 days a week is just so hard I’m not sure it’s worth it. It’s not how it was meant to be, as a mother I should be with my daughter. And now he wants to share custody having never been involved before and it is just a nightmare being without her for 2 days at a time I just feel so distraught

@Proseccodreams

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you all talking this through with me. I genuinely just want to do what’s best for my daughter

And that is what you need to say in mediation.

You simply cannot say that you are suffering or that she should be with you because of your feelings
You have to accept the view will be she should see dad and its about her best interests

It s a leap to aCcept our kids see their dad as their dad but they do...

Does he live nearby?
Does she have a nice bed room and her toys Bd clothes there? Does he take her to and from school?
You may need to involve a family therapist or child psychologist if you think he is harming her emotionally.
Your feelings probably don't count in court...

...because your initial op was all about you and your feelings...so it s good to turn it around.. what works for dd?

If you died tomorrow she would go to him as the other parent. That relationship is important. Unless evidenced reasons to nominate a guardian.

OP whatever you do, don't get back together with this arsehole. You are stronger than you think and have had lots of good advice about how to handle this. You have your daughters best interests at heart and you will both get through this to a more settled and happier life. Lots of luck and strength to you.

Agreed with a pp upthread.
If he's that abusive why is a 8 year old girl being left with him.
A child needs a base.
A place where they feel secure.
What's wrong with 'every other week end ' ?
Otherwise how do you ever settle ?

If DV can't be clearly evidenced and he does go down the court route for 50/50 he is likely to get it. How old is your daughter?

I separated from my partner a couple of weeks ago and agreed to 60/40. I was worried going down the court route would end up in 50/50. I still think it would be better for them to be with me more ( they're 5 and 3) but I had to compromise.

Yes he’s still in the family home @Embracelife he refused to leave so I had to for my mental health. So she has all familiar things around her there which is good for her.
Tonight he dropped her off outside my house and made her bring her own bags cos he wouldn’t get out of the car cos he was in a hurry. I could never do that, she’s 9 years old for gods sake and only just 9! He always puts himself first. I do agree she needs a relationship with her dad and he’s important but he’s not as important as her!

If she has her stuff there she won't have big bags.?

I get he is a twat
But remember this is new
Try get some therapy support for you .

It is better you don't have to confront him
If dd can walk from car so much the better

And well done for getting away

Thanks @Embracelife for all your advice. I guess it’s hard recognising the sacrifice is worth it

As other posters have said, you need to frame this as what is in the best interests of your DD. So if your Dd is unsettled by the two day schedule, and who would not be, then it makes sense to try 4 with you, three with him, and see how that goes. I honestly think a mediator will see that. But then if she struggles with that, then EOW and one day a week.

You are only four weeks out of the split, so it is all very raw and emotional.

The other thing which I think is what does DD want? Where I am, the wishes of the child would have some weight. However, if your ex is not willing to listen to DD, then it would need to go to court for her to be consulted, and I don’t know how that works where you are.

But anyway, the main thing is that when you go to mediation, you need to frame it as what is in your DD’s best interests. It is best to have a relationship with both parents and spend time with both parents, but it needs to be safe and manageable for her. If you have been the primary carer, of course she will struggle going to a 50/50 arrangement. So you are not saying no, you are trying to work out a pattern which will work well for her.

The problem with the 4/3 as I see it, is the weekends, though, and it is reasonable to suggest that DD has to have a full weekend with you, and indeed her father. So something which does not split your weekend would be better. So maybe don’t even go in thinking about 4/3 but about what DD can manage and what is important - ie she can manage two days (just) and weekends with each parent are important but cannot cope with all the back and forwarding. That moves away from arbitrary splits and begins to focus on DD. Something like that, you know your DD and what will work for her/does not work so try and switch the focus to that.

I really depends on your situation though. We have a 2 day rotation and split weekends and it's working- but with the massive caveat that it changes if it starts to stress the kids out. This also depends on our ability to communicate.

Is it possible your daughter is picking up on your upset when the transition happens? You might have to learn to cover that up for her sake. Yes, all of this is unfair and none of us would have chosen to disrupt our kids lives in this way, but it's happened for the reasons we can't control but we can control how we act around our kids. You need to give her permission to go to his and be happy. Kids will have a sense of loyalty if they think one parent is upset whose they're at the others

@KurtWilde

If it's not court ordered just stop letting him take her.

Ffs

Advice to prevent a parent seeing their child. I bet you’d advise a dad to do this too if they posted would you? Would you bollocks

OP I can only comment as a dad, not a mum, but that feeling of it being awful not seeing your kids 7 days a week is/can be the same for dads.

I echo the posters saying maybe the 2 day thing is a bit fiddly, but the best thing you can do is get a routine going, accept it’s hard for you but best for her

Mediation us inappropriate in abusive e relationships. Can you speak to women's aid for more tailored advice.and support? You shouldn't have to be dealing directly with him and his running roughshod over your daughter's needs. This arrangement isn't helping her form a good relationship with him, which is what family court will be focused on. She needs more consistency and stability. I can't imagine anyone would want to swap their living space every two days, let alone a young child.

What is unclear is whether his emotional abuse is/was just towards you, which it seems from what you describe. I expect only a court order will be the answer. For the disruption to your DD, a 3/4 arrangement seems less disruptive.

Thank you @KatySun that is so helpful I’ve written that down so I can refer to it in mediation. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do, make it more manageable for her. And good thinking I’ll stay away from a 4/3 split x

@BillMasen i know and I don’t want to stop her having a relationship with her dad I just want her to ease into it gently. Honestly I’m only trying to do the best for her

@Febo24 no I am really careful to be positive for her. She gets upset and yes I’m sympathetic, but I try be positive and distract so honestly I don’t think it’s down there to me it’s a genuine emotion she feels. Honestly I don’t know the best thing to do for the custody split. It is keeping me awake at night. I was thinking Wednesday and a weekend night at his and a Monday after school before swimming but I don’t think that will be enough for him but it’s more stability for her

@newnortherner111 the abuse was towards me but what I don’t like is she has grown up learning don’t upset daddy and that’s the bit I’m worried about

You have been separated for a matter of weeks. She is going to struggle and feel upset. She wants her family together.

My dd comes back quiet and not talkative. I started to panic and think there was something that had upset her at her dads. Then I remembered I use to always crying transitioning from parent to parent. I loved them both and hated that I had to do this. I still cry when I leave my dad now. He is in Spain. And getting older. I hate that he isn't nearer. It is the same emotions I felt as a child having to leave one parent to go to the other.

[quote Proseccodreams]@Febo24 no I am really careful to be positive for her. She gets upset and yes I’m sympathetic, but I try be positive and distract so honestly I don’t think it’s down there to me it’s a genuine emotion she feels. Honestly I don’t know the best thing to do for the custody split. It is keeping me awake at night. I was thinking Wednesday and a weekend night at his and a Monday after school before swimming but I don’t think that will be enough for him but it’s more stability for her[/quote]
The minimum if a father wants contact seems to be EOW and one weeknight. If the EOW was Friday, Saturday, Sunday nights, Wednesday each week, that would give him 5 nights a fortnight. Keep in mind if he pursues this to court and there's no reason 50/50 isn't suitable he might well get that.

Upthread a poster mentioned about thanking her ex for having the DC as it gives her more time to pursue her interests - hobbies, nights out, weekends away etc. 100 percent agree. If he thinks he's doing you a favour watch him backtrack. I did exactly this years ago when ex used to go on about having full custody.

If he's abusive he will be doing this to punish you.

We do 4/3 on average but over a two week rotation they go to their dad’s:
Week 1: Wednesday and Thursday night
Week 2: Wednesday until Sunday evening

The children know they go to their dad’s on Wednesday and Thursday night every week and then ever other weekend as well.

It was a huge adjustment but such is life!

I co parent with my ex 50:50, I know it's raw but please be mindful about what "mothers should do or have" As many of us are in the same boat and it's tough.

If it goes to court and Dad lives locally and can get your DD to school etc, then they might give an order for 50:50 contact anyway.

Best thing for yourself and your DD is stay positive and help her adjust. Letting go of the things you can't come control makes it easier.

As long as she's looked after at her dad's ( and that might mean a different way of being looked after than what you'd do) then things will be ok.

No mother (and a lot of fathers) don't plan children with the thought of not seeing them 50% or more of the time, but we don't own them and they need both parents (where both parents are able to provide support)