Online dating , is this a red flag?

[ROZ12]

Hi all

So single for 16 years now trying to get my life back . So met a guy just texting at mo I said I’m a night owl and slept today till 12 - bad week etc and called me a lazy ass! I got upset and told him I’m no way that as I men single parenting etc. I loved being single no one called me names! Shame I like him and now I’m
Upset . He said it’s a joke and apologised But coul it get worse ? Ex was a name caller and put me down constantly . Help !

I think the problem with text conversations (and why I don’t have text conversations with people I haven’t met when dating and try to meet ASAP) is that you can’t gauge tone. So it’s entirely likely he was intending it to come across as lighthearted but missed the mark. If he’s said it was a joke and apologised then I’d take it at face value - but stop all the texting nonsense and arrange to meet in person so you know what sort of person he actually is.

I would take the approach that as soon as somebody does something or says something that doesn't make you feel safe, seen or valued, then it's ok to take a step back, or fully away!

It's so hard to interpret the more nuanced comments, you end up unable to interpret it all, was it a joke, that'd be funny from a friend, hang on, my boss said that to me and I laughed. Actually, I said that to my brother..........

So just tune in to how the communication is making you feel.

Do you feel on edge? or judged? Or made feel that the onus is on to prove you're worth their time?

My x was horribly abusive. HORRIBLY, so I had a few relationships afterwards where I wasn't clear on whether I was asking too much or whether I should over look things or let things go or take the rough with the smooth, blah blah blah

Hi

I’m sensitive due to abusive and been pushing away for sixteen years , but it’s so tough to judge don’t to fall into abuse again?

Difficult to judge nuance in a text. Give him one more chance. Maybe meet and see if you click, but you are already on your guard so I do t think genuine red flags will escape you. He may have been joking, he may have been judging, hard to say which

@tentosix

It is hard and I’m out of teh game for 16 years! I did called him a lazy ass back fro eating ready meals !

I would of taken it as a joke only because I'm the first to joke I'm lazy but of course you don't really know someone by text, I would say it doesn't even matter if I or anyone else would mind, if it bothers you then he isn't the right one.

@seensome

It bothers me that it bothers me ! I drag things out and men seem to let go. I ponder and think about the past. I keep comparing him to my ex. How can I stop this ? I don’t wnat to be single forever but scared to go back into a cycle of abuse. Took me along time to build my confidence up . I am lazy I admit that sometimes but I also do so much work full time, cook , clean and look after my dd.

I think this level of familiarity with somebody you’ve never met (have you spoken on the phone? Had a video call? Is he even who his profile says he is?) is a bit problematic. Sharing detail of your bad week and sleeping patterns, calling each other lazy asses - is it really how you want things to begin?

If you feel vulnerable to abuse then taking your time and trying to get to know people by texting a lot before meeting is counterproductive - you end up feeling as though you know a lot about them when really they’re still a complete stranger, and you’re more likely to over-invest too quickly.

He's testing your boundies. A reasonable response is along the lines of "hope you slept well, do you feel good for the rest?" Don't ignore your instincts.

I understand and it's difficult to really know someone over text and how they mean it, try meeting him for a date, there's no obligation to see him again if you don't like him but you never know he might be a good one, it's positive that he has now apologised to you, it's now waiting to see if he listens to what you do/don't like them judge him from there. I'm all for one chance then out if they disrespect me.

Have you had any therapy? I had some 14 years ago when i left my x. Best decision ever. Havent been near a therapist for years but now after a 14 year break im back. I just need to tweak a few things. I recommend it, really, kindest thing you can do for yourself.

I would have thought it was a joke, lighthearted messing about

Definitely over thinking this one

I would have laughed at that...and agreed! But then I'm not easily upset or over sensitive, so I'm not in your shoes OP. And I'm probably guilty of saying similar to friends who sleep in until midday...but it's never meant cruelly, and they don't take it so...as they'd likely rib me back about my own habits too, so 🤷‍♀️

I think you probably are being over sensitive and it was said lightheartedly. I'm sure you've said similar things!

@Dowermouse

Give over! You can't possibly gauge that from one comment someone has made.

OP rather than trying to guess what other people mean, it's probably best to work on yourself for a while, councilling will help.

OLD even of you meet nice guys is hard bloody work and has the potential to really hit your sense of self if you don't have a handle on it.

For what it's worth, my DP calls me a lazy git often. He is being funny (and truthful ) no harm meant.

Well, he got it wrong. You said you’d had a hard week and had a long lie in, and instead of saying “wow, sounds like you needed to rest up” or something he called you a name.

Yeah ‘just a joke’ but it sets a tone.

Ghosh now I’m confused ! Two schools of thought here , yes would have been nice if he said , are you ok now etc but then I do have emotional baggage and sensitive. My friends have called me it and I didn’t think anything Of it.

Well hopefully if nothing else this has shown the futility of trying to get to know someone over text.

When you say you like him, just what do you like? He's just words on a screen so far.

Meet him - fast. A short coffee date will rule out loads of idiots and stop you wasting time on men who text and text and never progress to a relationship, because they don't want one, they only want the ego stroke of texting

Be planning to meet other dates too - don't put all your eggs in one basket. Plenty of time to be exclusive when you have found someone you really like and want to know better - and you will have got to that point by meeting them a few times, keeping your feet on the ground, and seeing how they act in any given situation. Looking for signs of an abuser isn't a 'once and it's done' choice you make right at the start of the relationship. It's something you discover as a person unfolds in time, and his text is nothing more than another data-point. On its own it could mean anything.

But you are upset and frazzled about a stranger who made an off comment on text. This is real over-investment. Are you even ready to date?

@ChristmasFluff

Will I ever be ready ? Not dated in 16 yrs !

I’m not ready to meet in the pandemic and I’m Indian variant hotspot not been vaccinated .

You aren’t ready for dating sorry. I do shift work and if someone called me a lazy ass as a joke I’d take it on the chin. I think you’re being a little sensitive and need to toughen up a bit before dating.

@CharlotteRose90

I needed to hear that as I have emotional baggage when my ex Called me that and other names I called that abuse .

We'll get the vac then ASAP - as a potential partner I would not wish to go near you otherwise, unless you've got a good reason for not doing.

[quote ROZ12]@tentosix

It is hard and I’m out of teh game for 16 years! I did called him a lazy ass back fro eating ready meals ![/quote]
Wait, so you called him lazy for eating ready meal, presumably as a joke. Was this before or after he called you lazy for sleeping in?

It's so hard to gauge tone over text, and things can. be easily misconstrued. He might have just been playfully teasing you.

I do think you overreacted to what was one (possibly) slightly rude comment. If it bothers you this much, then maybe you are not ready to date, or he is not the right one for you.

@Mulletsaremisunderstood

After he called me lazy he called him back for eating ready meals

@Mulletsaremisunderstood

I called him back

But do all men tease like this at early stages ?