Online relationship - feeling confused

[Anon778833]

I’m autistic so I miss red flags - please don’t shout at me and say I’m an idiot.

Though an unusual set of circumstances I met this guy online. He is not in the U.K. I ended up talking to him - nothing like a dating site or anything like that. I actively avoid all dating sites in the U.K. or otherwise.

anyway we have become quite close from video chatting. I do feel a big connection with him. It’s different somehow. He’s fine when I’m talking to him and he has this lovely expression in his face . We have been talking about meeting but can’t at the moment because of flying restrictions. Although that’s obviously possibly going to change soon.

The time difference means that he might text me at 3am my time so I’m asleep of course, or I might wake up reply & then fall back to sleep. This seems to trigger him into a sulk / depressed mood and he’ll start saying that we’ll never end up meeting and how sad he is. Then he’s posting on social media about how he’s never someone’s priority, only an option. After speaking to me, he’s ok again.

I do really like him and he’s lovely to talk to but I’m thinking this isn’t a good sign at all. He needs constant reassurance. He lost his little girl about 5 years ago so maybe that trauma has been the reason.

No one should be calling you an idiot! However I do feel you should be very cautious. I'm not sure if you have heard of catfishing but please be very careful. These days people are very clever & find lots of ways to deceive others.

A grown man sulking because you don't want to text him at 3am is at best a ridiculous manchild and at worst horribly controlling. I would be very wary.

He sounds like an idiot.

Throw this one back - trust me!

He is definitely who he says he is. I can’t really say how because it would be outing potentially (he’s not famous but how I came to be in contact with him was via another situation)

Ask him to video chat when it's 3am his time see how he likes it then !

Block. Him. Now.

Not worth your head or heart space op

Sounds like way too much trouble. He probably wants an online counsellor or someone else to talk to for attention. Chances are he's already in a relationship and he's just using this lack of being able to fly with restrictions as some sort of way to keep you hooked in a 'I would if I could' kind of way. Never trust guys who talk online for a long time, it never ends well

He seems extremely needy, scarily so. I'd be very wary and keep it very much as friends only.

This probably won't end well lovely
Get rid and sleep well 💐

He's expecting you to be up and responding at 3am???? What planet does he live on! If he doesn't like the time difference he shouldn't be trying to date you. Jeez. Also the dramatic posting on FB is such a red flag, no well adjusted adult resorts to tactics like this for self pity and to guilt you.

Even as a friend I think he will be very needy. So best to cut contact. Let him know why by all means, isn't nice to ghost someone. Just tell him you can't offer him the emotional support he needs, and the time difference means a relationship is impossible.

Online relationships aren't actually real. They really aren't. He's sulky, grumpy and abusive. Throw this one back.

Being realistic, how often would you be flying out to see each other? With such a big time difference, how can you maintain this, even as friendship?
It's not going anyway is it.

Well no they aren’t a proper relationship because you don’t know someone until you’re in the same room.

I agree about the posting on Facebook though - it’s cringy. I’ve noticed this pattern where he always gets like this at night though, his time. He posts all these sad posts and will send me sad, intense songs. The next day, he deletes the sulky sounding posts.

Not my ex is it....always posting songs on fb and then deleting...and cringy posts. Does he begin with an S?!

Sorry no..just noticed it in uk

No @bangheadhere40 not S. They must be a breed

If I don’t respond I get ??????????? And then ‘Never mind’

When he texts you in your sleep, then leaves indirect blame in public for you to find, is he behaving as if you are his priority? No, not really. He says he's sad. How does this pattern make you feel? Happy? I would guess not.

The only person I knew who did late night Facebook self-indulgent posts followed by afterthoughts and deletions had a severe drinking problem. Not suggesting this is the case, but overspill/editing may show a disordered relation to self.

What's lovely about talking to him? Is he 'mirroring'?

He's not with you. You owe him nothing. Ghost him hard.

Please listen to us when we say that it is literally impossible to have a healthy relationship (or friendship) with someone like him. I promise you.

And he is using the fact that you might find it trickier than other people to navigate interpersonal dynamics, by confusing you and making you wonder if you're the one being strange.

Nothing good can come from continuing to talk to him and the blessing about all this is that you can block on all platforms and not be worried about bumping into him in person.

Please take on board what people are saying - his behaviour is so cliche of someone who will guilt trip you into a relationship that makes you uncomfortable.

Yes. I always think that stuff is my fault when it can’t be really.

Another thing he does is repeatedly say he’s going to delete Facebook which he never actually does.

On video chat he’s always lovely & charming and when I try to ask him about this behaviour he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it.

But yeah I can see what you mean. I’ve already had enough of people shifting blame on other relationships.

He sounds quite scary tbh. He doesn’t know where you live or work does he?

I’d be ending it and very thankful we hadn’t met and didn’t live in the same country.

He's being amiable...talking in a nice tone. But he's telling you dramatic things (deleting Facebook), and ignoring concerns you raise. That's neither charming nor lovely. It's selective at best, manipulative at worst. 'Repeatedly' saying things/behaving in a certain way... Do you feel you have to cope with him, put up with him, understand him, rescue him, wait for him to hear you? You really don't. I wonder if you feel grateful or dutiful? You might be happier alone, or find someone who makes YOU feel happy...

Oh no. I can’t fix him I know that. I can’t fix anyone.

I had a bad spell of mental health issues some years ago. The only person who could help me was me. and now I don’t get ill any more because I accept treatment (psychotherapy and the right meds)

I’m so confused because I didnt think you could even become attracted to someone online. The whole thing has messed with my head.

He's over the top needy. Is he in Australia? Usa?