Online relationship - feeling confused

[Anon778833]

I’m autistic so I miss red flags - please don’t shout at me and say I’m an idiot.

Though an unusual set of circumstances I met this guy online. He is not in the U.K. I ended up talking to him - nothing like a dating site or anything like that. I actively avoid all dating sites in the U.K. or otherwise.

anyway we have become quite close from video chatting. I do feel a big connection with him. It’s different somehow. He’s fine when I’m talking to him and he has this lovely expression in his face . We have been talking about meeting but can’t at the moment because of flying restrictions. Although that’s obviously possibly going to change soon.

The time difference means that he might text me at 3am my time so I’m asleep of course, or I might wake up reply & then fall back to sleep. This seems to trigger him into a sulk / depressed mood and he’ll start saying that we’ll never end up meeting and how sad he is. Then he’s posting on social media about how he’s never someone’s priority, only an option. After speaking to me, he’s ok again.

I do really like him and he’s lovely to talk to but I’m thinking this isn’t a good sign at all. He needs constant reassurance. He lost his little girl about 5 years ago so maybe that trauma has been the reason.

Of course you can. One of my closest friends is someone I happened to come across online years ago, we’ve never met and likely never will but that doesn’t change the quality and depth of our friendship. It is what it is between us and I’m very grateful for it.

That’s not the point though, this guy is waving massive red flags. Please tell me you’ve decided to cut contact?

@SugarbabyMilly

Oh no. I can’t fix him I know that. I can’t fix anyone.

I had a bad spell of mental health issues some years ago. The only person who could help me was me. and now I don’t get ill any more because I accept treatment (psychotherapy and the right meds)

I’m so confused because I didnt think you could even become attracted to someone online. The whole thing has messed with my head.

It sounds like you've done really well and are really self aware. And you've noticed red flags which is great. So I think it's important you act on that now and cut ties with him

@RantyAnty USA

Everyone is affected by the pandemic. People have had to live 'in their heads' a lot more, in a lot of cases. It's not weird to feel connected or to hope for connection at a distance these days, even if you never did before. If the whole thing brings you peace/happiness/consolation, that's great! If it's desolating/confusing, why shape your life around it? Take much care 💐

My ex has a huge drink problem with all his Facebook over sharing posts and songs

Yeah, he's drunk posting at night and deleting them next morning

The reason I feel stressed is because it reminds me of a situation that happened to me a few years ago. This man was from my home town and we had known each other a little at school. We got really close talking every day but he was living in Cyprus. He would suddenly block me and then say it was because he was thinking about me too much. Or phoning me at 5am.

Eventually, he overdosed and died I was very upset. I went to his U.K. based wake and I saw his dad there. Who said to me ‘did you ever manage to speak to him sober?’

Just because somebody online is the person they say they are, that does not mean for a second that they are not still abusive, a rapist, manipulative, or grooming you. Passing ID verification does not mean that their intentions are true or good.

Assessing your safety with people you meet online based purely on ID verification is a terrible, terrible dangerous approach.

Online relationships bring an artificial closeness and intensity that can be so intoxicating it clouds your judgement.

It's not love. You can't love someone you don't know and have never met. You love the fantasy person he represents in your head.

He is using classic abuser tactics to manipulate, control and bond you to him.

Abusers can afford to play the long game when grooming people online - cast the net wide and target multiple women at once with little effort. Sooner or later they will manage to draw somebody in to harm more severely. They don't care which target as long as they secure one out of the many they started with.

If the "win" for the abuser is great enough (violence, money, power, citizenship, whatever it may be), they will happily invest years grooming until they have full control of their target.

Please improve your online and relationship safety awareness beyond ID verification before getting involved with anybody else.

Just because somebody online is the person they say they are, that does not mean for a second that they are not still abusive, a rapist, manipulative, or grooming you. Passing ID verification does not mean that their intentions are true or good.

I mean, yeah obviously I do realise this. Even if I did not make that clear.

If you are feeling stressed, and the situation reminds you of another situation that was bad, and the man is blaming you and not making you happy despite being charming, protect yourself...you have the wisdom and info you need...

I would make it very clear to him that I am not available for texts/conversation in what is the middle of the night in the UK. He is presumably aware of the time differences between the USA and here. If he's in California, or West Coast, for example and feels like texting you at 7.00pm - well, he can't. Tough shit. It's the middle of the night in England. 11.00pm in New York, ah..bedtime, I'll just text a sweet message to Sugarbaby and sulk if I don't get an answer. Fuck off you wanker, it's 4.00am. Who does this?

I would also tell him that if he sends demands when I am asleep and then posts passive aggressive messages on FB or is sulky that I will simply end the relationship now and block him. I would not be manipulated into reassuring someone needy.

If he's so nice to talk to, as you say, why not just tell him what you have told us?

Just explain what you have written here, that you might not respond if it's 3am, or respond then fall asleep, and you think he is being terribly unfair by getting into a sulk about it, and by passive-aggressively posting about you on SM.

See what he says.

Extreme apology and a promise never to do it again is what you are looking for. Anything else and you need to block and forget him.

@CallMeCleo what if he apologises etc then strings her along doing the same things again? He is a big grown man. It's not OP's responsibility to explain time zones or Facebook etiquette to him. Yes asking him might reveal his true colours...or might just open the way for him to lie or manipulate. It sounds as if she has tried asking anyway, and he ignores her concerns...

I don't really think that online and relationship belong in the same sentence. Relationships are not meant to be virtual. If you knew him IRL, you probably would of been able to see sooner that his behaviour is inappropriate at times. As it is, it's taken a while longer, but the mask has slipped still. He's unable to hide the issues he obviously has, it doesn't matter why he behaves the way he does, you should steer clear of him whatever his reasons.
Time and again we see people determined to stick around to understand why - it's rare to get an answer, and even if one does, it doesn't change behaviour, he will know why he is this way. It's common for people to hide their reasons by transferring, which makes partners believe they have done something to prompt the behaviour. In reality, you have done nothing wrong, so there is no excuse and the reason is immaterial.

Message him when it's 3am in his time zone then sulk when he doesn't reply. See how he likes it!

I knew someone like this who would act this way while drinking. And then when sober delete the posts/messages and everything was 'normal' again. What you describe is a big red flag. Controlling, and no consideration of your welfare.

Yes perhaps he is drinking. It often means that, just as I’m getting up, it’s about 1am where he is. And he’s in a very dark mood and demanding I call him when I can’t because I’ve got children to attend to.

Sounds exactly like someone I know. He's not in California is he, OP?

With my ex mate it's drink and cocaine, fwiw. Drop him like a hot potato.

He is being dark and demanding? And you have children to look after? It doesn't sound safe to invite him into your life.

Ah, just block him.

He's a wanker and it's bringing you stress.

Manipulative controlling coercive prick...

See this for what it is FFS

Block 🌸

My ex was exactly the same, and little by little it got worse.
He also was an alcoholic (with a regular side order of drugs)
His whole life was played out on facebook.

I meant to say, you seem to have a really good handle on your mental health issues, but you won't if you carry on down the path to second guessing what's wrong with this bloke.
It will drag you down.

He sounds depressed

@SugarbabyMilly

No *@bangheadhere40* not S. They must be a breed

If I don’t respond I get ??????????? And then ‘Never mind’

Fucking hell.

OP I am autistic too. Trust me: this is no good for you, at all.

I know it probably takes you a lot to open up and you feel attached now but this person is emotionally manipulative, controlling and this will only get worse. It's easy to misinterpret controlling behavioir for passion or commitment but it isn't the same, at all.

Please cut this person out of your life.