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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Online relationship - feeling confused

84 replies

Anon778833 · 21/05/2021 16:12

I’m autistic so I miss red flags - please don’t shout at me and say I’m an idiot.

Though an unusual set of circumstances I met this guy online. He is not in the U.K. I ended up talking to him - nothing like a dating site or anything like that. I actively avoid all dating sites in the U.K. or otherwise.

anyway we have become quite close from video chatting. I do feel a big connection with him. It’s different somehow. He’s fine when I’m talking to him and he has this lovely expression in his face . We have been talking about meeting but can’t at the moment because of flying restrictions. Although that’s obviously possibly going to change soon.

The time difference means that he might text me at 3am my time so I’m asleep of course, or I might wake up reply & then fall back to sleep. This seems to trigger him into a sulk / depressed mood and he’ll start saying that we’ll never end up meeting and how sad he is. Then he’s posting on social media about how he’s never someone’s priority, only an option. After speaking to me, he’s ok again.

I do really like him and he’s lovely to talk to but I’m thinking this isn’t a good sign at all. He needs constant reassurance. He lost his little girl about 5 years ago so maybe that trauma has been the reason.

OP posts:

MagentaGiraffe · 22/05/2021 01:21

@SugarbabyMilly

The reason I feel stressed is because it reminds me of a situation that happened to me a few years ago. This man was from my home town and we had known each other a little at school. We got really close talking every day but he was living in Cyprus. He would suddenly block me and then say it was because he was thinking about me too much. Or phoning me at 5am.

Eventually, he overdosed and died I was very upset. I went to his U.K. based wake and I saw his dad there. Who said to me ‘did you ever manage to speak to him sober?’

This is awful and I'm so sorry. How devastating for you and his family. But that is NOT your fault, and you cannot let that affect how you approach relationships in future. Please take care of yourself. If you are happy in a relationship then it is not complicated or painful like this.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/05/2021 01:24

Op you sound like you are falling into a rescuer pattern. Ask yourself - am I a qualified and experienced therapist? If the answer to this is no then you need to accept that this guy needs to see a therapist to deal with his issues not dump them on you
You’re right the Facebook stuff is cringe. I’d end the chats and block

Original poster

Anon778833 · 22/05/2021 03:02

@Rainbowqueeen

Op you sound like you are falling into a rescuer pattern. Ask yourself - am I a qualified and experienced therapist? If the answer to this is no then you need to accept that this guy needs to see a therapist to deal with his issues not dump them on you You’re right the Facebook stuff is cringe. I’d end the chats and block

Yes you may be right. I honestly don’t think I’m in any way qualified to help anyone. Except myself and my children. Perhaps it’s subconscious.

OP posts:

cupoftea2021 · 22/05/2021 04:17

Tell him you are going on a date and watch the real him explode
Manipulating is what he is doing so play back or just delete this crap out of your life

Original poster

Anon778833 · 22/05/2021 04:33

Yes I think you are right. If it’s stressful at this point it would be worse if we ever met.

OP posts:

PinkSatinMoon · 22/05/2021 05:22

Are you going to block/end this ?

Original poster

Anon778833 · 22/05/2021 05:38

Yes. It’s the only thing I can do.

Whyyyyy don’t I ever learn. I should have twigged this in the beginning when I received a message from him (5 minutes after he sent the first one) which said ‘are you going to read my message and not reply?

OP posts:

Newestname001 · 22/05/2021 06:28

@SugarbabyMilly

Yes. It’s the only thing I can do.

Oh my word that sounds scary. You do know, of course you do, that you don't need someone like this in your or your children's lives.

Don't delay, cut the strings and make yourself as invisible to him as you possibly can. He's "invested" time with you so won't be happy but this is not your problem. Stay safe OP. 🌹

bangheadhere40 · 22/05/2021 07:55

Be glad he's in another country actually he sounds dangerous....

H2OConnoisseur · 22/05/2021 08:53

I knew someone like this also from the states. He 'dated' my friend whom he met in WoW and their relationship intensified after we had a group meet up. The problem though was that he would sleep at random hours and would spend the rest of his time smoking weed. Somehow, the weed made him incredibly paranoid and as the months went by he would send her more and more messages at all times and get 'depressed' when she didn't reply. She eventually broke up with him after a waking up to a ridiculous 26 messages and 23 missed calls, none of which were about anything aside from paranoia and '????????'.

Glad you've decided to stay away, OP. Nothing good will come out of this.

LIZS · 22/05/2021 08:59

He sounds very needy and manipulative. He builds up your friendship and feelings then undermines it while you are sleeping or not giving him full attention. Relationships should not be that tricky to negotiate. Block and move on.

eatsleepread · 22/05/2021 09:27

Walk away, OP. He is bad news.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 22/05/2021 09:32

Looking at his Facebook page, the whole of it is usually him posting stuff about how people always let him down.

I do think it is very unhealthy to blast every little angst all over Facebook.

Another thing he did was to demand that I tell all my friends and family about him. I only ‘met’ him a couple of months ago.

OP posts:

LIZS · 22/05/2021 09:38

Do you need his negativity? Really? Honestly block his sm and stop looking.

Branleuse · 22/05/2021 09:40

Autistic here. I dont think youre an idiot at all.

I think your boyfriend sounds like he has real issues. Maybe hes the idiot.
Does he not understand time zones? Have you spoken about what time frames you can contact each other in without disrupting either of you?
He cant have a relationship with someone in another timezone without understanding this simple fact, and it hes expecting you to adhere to his timezone but not for him to respect yours, then hes being really unreasonable and weird.
My ds1 (also autistic) has mainly had online girlfriends in other parts of the world and the internet makes it feel like theres less distance than there is. Its caused issues when they think its not going to be a big deal to just travel to the other side of the world.
Have to have big chats on how online relationships can be rewarding and enriching but theyre online. Noones going to be taking him for weekends in katmandu etc and theres no way he could navigate that alone.
The current one seems more realistic about those demands but we still have time zone issues with her calling at 6am sometimes.
I think your boyfriend cant handle the reality of OLR and is acting really shitty about it and this shows his personality. Id block him and look for someone more realistic and supportive. Theres plenty out there

Original poster

Anon778833 · 22/05/2021 09:46

Thank you @Branleuse that does make sense.

The thing is, I had decided not to do any dating. I wasn’t even looking. My last relationship ended just after Christmas and that was a nightmare. Dating sites are absolutely vile so I won’t be joining any more of those.

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 22/05/2021 09:55

He is controlling. He is guilting you into being at his beck and call 24/7 or you are punished with sulking and guilt trips. Abusers do this. Normal people don't.

I think it's a very good thing he is not near you in person.

It can happen to anyone that we fall into these assholes webs. But now you know, start running!

Branleuse · 22/05/2021 09:57

@SugarbabyMilly

Thank you *@Branleuse* that does make sense.

I definitely think this one sounds like the bad outweighs the good. You cant be expected to feel guilttripped for literally sleeping at night. Block him. You dont owe him anything, and if you try and discuss it with him, i think it would make it worse as he clearly has a victim.complex

Original poster

Anon778833 · 22/05/2021 10:24

Yes when I try to speak to him about his behaviour he tries to act like nothing happened and brushes it all under the carpet.

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 22/05/2021 10:38

@SugarbabyMilly

Yes when I try to speak to him about his behaviour he tries to act like nothing happened and brushes it all under the carpet.

This is called 'gaslighting'. Its geared at making you feel like you are overreacting/imagining things and dont have a right to call them out on their shit.

Rubyreddiamond · 22/05/2021 10:52

Anyone who hassles you for not responding and does ???? just block them. They are complete weirdos !

Original poster

Anon778833 · 22/05/2021 10:56

Great, I had gaslighting in the last relationship. Which was 4 years of on/off

OP posts:

LIZS · 22/05/2021 10:59

So block him! You do not need this.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 22/05/2021 11:00

I will

OP posts:

Original poster

Anon778833 · 22/05/2021 12:52

You were all right - he’s got a drink problem and drinks at night to help him sleep 🙄

OP posts:

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