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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Love? Lust? Help!

53 replies

Fatheroftwo21 · 20/05/2021 19:53

Hi Everyone

I have just joined on here because i need to talk and i cant talk to anyone about what im going through.
My background, im a loving dad of two. Still with the mum which has been since 2007.
Had a bad start as i was a bit on the side and kept a secret for 6 of those first years.
Since having kids we have remained a good team but romantically drifted apart. There isnt desire to be romantic. I feel guilty but shes also the same but also a strong backbone to the family and a great mum. And good in other ways to me. The odd normal arguement now and again. But no romantic feelings.
I think if i didnt have children id of seperated but i dont want to break the family apart and i couldnt bare to not see them every day.

There is a mum at their school who i talk to a fair bit.
I thought she was good looking when i first met her. We can talk for england. Its easy with her. I find myself always thinking about her.
Shes a single mum, we went through a period of not talking much as she was dating a guy and i felt i had to step back as it sucked. Then when we saw eachother again the first thing she said was that her and the guy are not seeing eachother anymore. And we started talking again.
I opened up about how i feel but she said she cant go there with someone in a relationship. Which it cant go there i cant cheat its not a nice thing to do.
But im an awe of this girl! I dont know if im in love or what it is. Am i just being a crazy person? I mean id devote myself to this girl if i could. But im not 100 percent sure how she feels. I catch her looking at me sometimes. We talk, have had a little flirt now and again nothing major. She goes out her way to message me, respond to stories.
I know the simple thing is to just end it with my current partner but im so scared of the other side. I love my kids so much! And i dont want to hurt anyone.
I wish i was in a position to tell this girl how beautiful she is and how i want to spend time with her but i cant while im in the position im in.

In all the years there has never been eyes for anyone else. I am not a bad person but i feel the way i feel. I just feel stuck.
Things seem more complicated when there is kids involved.

OP posts:
Sideorderofchips · 20/05/2021 20:05

I just can't even to this.

You met your partner and had an affair with her... And now you are thinking about another affair

Roxiepugsowner · 20/05/2021 20:15

This thread won’t end well... you need to end your present relationship, you don’t sound happy. My parents had a horrible relationship, we were happier when they split. Sooner or later your partner will find out.

bigbaggyeyes · 20/05/2021 20:17

In all the years there has never been eyes for anyone else

But you're happy to shag another mans wife Hmm

crackingcrackers · 20/05/2021 20:32

Yes, it sounds like you have more or a metronome than a moral compass...

Original poster
Fatheroftwo21 · 20/05/2021 20:34

I must point out we met when i was 16, i was a youngster and i didnt know about her still being with the ex till she told me after having our first child. As i was living some distance away.
I had my suspicions but she always denied it.

I agree this wont sit well with most people. It doesnt sit right with me as it is but its the way i feel. And im not after a shag with this other person. I just think i have feelings.
I will not go down the road of an affair!! Nor have i already. I didnt say i was going to have an affair. I cant do anything and wont while im still technically in a relationship.

OP posts:
putthetopon · 20/05/2021 20:42

Can you just keep your dick in your pants?
That might be the solution you (aren't) looking for?

Or do you want permission to have an affair? Cos your wife doesn't understand you? (Yawn!)

Norabatty40 · 20/05/2021 20:42

Oh come on.. pull yourself together

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2021 20:47

Stop thinking as though you're still 16. End this relationship and move on with your life. You can still be an excellent father to your children even if you're not with their mum.

Original poster
Fatheroftwo21 · 20/05/2021 20:47

Ive already said ive not had an affair..im not looking to have an affair. That is not what ive said at all.

NOT wanting or looking to have an affair!
Not the road i want to go down.
Im with a long term relationship which has lost its spark. I would leave but i love my kids and its not easy getting up and going. Im very attached to my kids.
There is a mum at the school. Nothing has happened but we talk a lot and i think there is feelings there for her. I dont want an affair.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2021 20:49

Perhaps work on your relationship? Try something new? Go on a holiday just the two of you and try to rekindle things. Has this not occured to you?

bigbaggyeyes · 20/05/2021 20:50

How do you think your wife would feel about your 'nine affair' relationship with this school Mum, or if you told her you had feelings for this woman? She's probably be really upset? It's not fair on your wife

KaleSlayer · 20/05/2021 20:52

Do what do you want? Confused

And imagine how fucking awful this would be for all the kids if this went anywhere. Grim.

KaleSlayer · 20/05/2021 20:53

So what do you want? (that should say)

tentosix · 20/05/2021 20:59

You sound an absolute bastard. Hope you are proud of yourself.

Original poster
Fatheroftwo21 · 20/05/2021 21:00

Sorry I dont mean to anger people.
I know its not fair, we arent married by the way as people are saying wife.
This is why im on here asking because i dont know if i just need to get a grip, and let it pass or end things with my partner and break the family.
Its horrible because me and my partner dont have any romance or spark anymore, we just act as a team for the kids basically.
And ive not felt anything for years neither has she.
And i meet someone who starts off as a normal school mum and over time ive developed feelings! I didnt want to develop feelings cause it makes things complicated.

I must apologise if im a little frustrating.

OP posts:
Honeycombskl · 20/05/2021 21:01

If you don't want an affair then what was your reason for telling this woman that you have feelings for her while you're still in a relationship.

Basically you have three (moral) options:
1- stop talking to this woman and focus on fixing your relationship with your partner
2- leave your partner and see what happens with this woman
3- leave your partner because you're not happy, but stop speaking to this woman and take some time away from women and focus on your kids.

To be honest I think if you go for option 2, you're in for a world of mess and hurt. You don't know this woman, you just like the idea of her. The reality of a relationship with her could be very very different to what you are expecting.

Honeycombskl · 20/05/2021 21:03

Btw, I don't see number 2 as particularly moral, but better than having a full blown affair.

DreamingNow · 20/05/2021 21:03

Separate the two issues.

  • you are not in love with your DW. No romantic feelings left there. Just because of that, the advice is always to just leave. You can still have your dcs 50/50. Separating doesn’t mean never seing your children again.
  • the woman at school. Maybe you have feelings, maybe it’s just lust. Maybe it’s simply that you are looking for a way out of the relationship, an excuse to say that you dint want to say.
Hard to tell for anyone. But please don’t wait to have another woman lined up before leaving. You dint leave a relationship because you’ve found someone else better (or so you hope). You leave because the relationship isn’t fulfilling anymore/ you dont love her/ whatever. I would say step back from that woman at school. Stop being flirty or having long convo with her. Take a decision about your marriage. If there are really feelings between you, she will still be there.
Original poster
Fatheroftwo21 · 20/05/2021 21:04

I am not one of these men who goes and plays and has women on the side.
I have been loyal from the beginning.
The relationship has faded and turned into a cooperation more then anything. Fizzled out.
I havent done anything to hurt anyone but surely this sort of thing can happen to people! Not saying its ok, but when someone comes along who brings you back feelings you never thought ud get again. What the hell does one do!

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 20/05/2021 21:04

Only you can know if you need to end your relationship.

But even if you do, don’t start dating some random woman at your children’s school. It will cause lots of distress kids and their mum.
And this woman is flirting with you when she knows you’re in a relationship and you’re there to drop/pick up your kids. She sounds lovely.

Yes, you need to get a grip. And grow up. It sounds pathetic and teenage like.

Original poster
Fatheroftwo21 · 20/05/2021 21:06

Honeycombskl and Dreamingnow, thank you these are the sort of answers im looking for!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatheroftwo21 · 20/05/2021 21:09

Yes I agree its very 16 year old like, im 30 now and its pretty stupid. I needed answers though as i was 16 when i was not in a relationship so i didnt really know how to look at this situation.

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 20/05/2021 21:11

How old was your partner when you started a relationship with her?

Original poster
Fatheroftwo21 · 20/05/2021 21:12

Do you think shes been flirting back then?
Telling me shes ended things with this guy the first time we talk after a few months.
Replying with emojis to my stories, or messages etc

OP posts:
Honeycombskl · 20/05/2021 21:16

Dreamingnow's advice is spot on. Take time away from this woman, give her some distance at the school gates and block /delete her number. Then, without the influence of her around, re - assess your relationship, is it salvageable? Do you want to salvage it? You need to work this out without the thought of someone else (who you don't really know) influencing your decision and thoughts. Discuss it with your partner because if, as you say, she feels the same way as you, she's also got to decide if she wants to fix things and work together rebuild your relationship. If neither of you do then you separate, but you'll have done it knowing you made the decision based on your current relationship not being right for you, rather than because you've had your head turned by something new and interesting (which may well not be in the long run).