Love? Lust? Help!

[Fatheroftwo21]

Hi Everyone

I have just joined on here because i need to talk and i cant talk to anyone about what im going through.
My background, im a loving dad of two. Still with the mum which has been since 2007.
Had a bad start as i was a bit on the side and kept a secret for 6 of those first years.
Since having kids we have remained a good team but romantically drifted apart. There isnt desire to be romantic. I feel guilty but shes also the same but also a strong backbone to the family and a great mum. And good in other ways to me. The odd normal arguement now and again. But no romantic feelings.
I think if i didnt have children id of seperated but i dont want to break the family apart and i couldnt bare to not see them every day.

There is a mum at their school who i talk to a fair bit.
I thought she was good looking when i first met her. We can talk for england. Its easy with her. I find myself always thinking about her.
Shes a single mum, we went through a period of not talking much as she was dating a guy and i felt i had to step back as it sucked. Then when we saw eachother again the first thing she said was that her and the guy are not seeing eachother anymore. And we started talking again.
I opened up about how i feel but she said she cant go there with someone in a relationship. Which it cant go there i cant cheat its not a nice thing to do.
But im an awe of this girl! I dont know if im in love or what it is. Am i just being a crazy person? I mean id devote myself to this girl if i could. But im not 100 percent sure how she feels. I catch her looking at me sometimes. We talk, have had a little flirt now and again nothing major. She goes out her way to message me, respond to stories.
I know the simple thing is to just end it with my current partner but im so scared of the other side. I love my kids so much! And i dont want to hurt anyone.
I wish i was in a position to tell this girl how beautiful she is and how i want to spend time with her but i cant while im in the position im in.

In all the years there has never been eyes for anyone else. I am not a bad person but i feel the way i feel. I just feel stuck.
Things seem more complicated when there is kids involved.

Hi KaleSlayer.
She was 17. I was 16. College course. I was single. She had a bf. She led me on and we both caught feelings. Didnt sleep together just meetups and kissing. I wanted her to leave her bf and she couldnt. I was happy to be kept a secret because i was young and call it puppylove if you like. She always said she would end it with him but never did. Went on holidays behind my back a lot. Was quite cruel. Id moved away but she would drive to see me. And said she was only friends with her bf.
We had a child (definatly mine btw) after he was born she ended it with her then bf. Then told me she was with him the whole time and i had to suck it up as i had a child now. And 7 years later here we are.

No. You mentioned flirting.

Concentrate on sorting your relationship out.

Do you think shes been flirting back then?
Telling me shes ended things with this guy the first time we talk after a few months.
Replying with emojis to my stories, or messages etc

She could be flirting, she could just be enjoying some attention and want to keep feeding that as a bit of an ego boost. It doesn't matter though because either way, it doesn't help you. Focus on what you are going to do about your current relationship without another woman being a factor in any decision you make.

Flirting was just the odd winky emoji or something. Nothing too direct. But as i said i opened up to this girl about how i was catching feelings of some sort which was absolutly stupid of me!

Hi OP
I’m definitely not encouraging an affair, let’s make that clear.
But if what you say is true, and not just what you are saying to justify something, then life is too short to be miserable.
Here’s a question- can you imagine what the conversation with your partner would say in the break up conversation..?
How would that go?
Would she be relieved?
If you shared parenting care would you both have better lives - not just you., her too?

Okay. You have a choice.

(A) You end things with your partner. Then you see if Other is still interested (she's a bit of a cow, mind - she "can't go there with someone in a relationship" but she's happy to act as if she's going to. And no it's not just her normally being friendly because she didn't do it when she was in a relationship herself. You're her ego boost)

OR

(B) You talk to your partner and ask if she'd like to work with you to see if you can get the romance back. You pull right back from Other, just like you did when she was the one in a relationship, and you put all your effort and headspace into the family you say you want to keep.

It's one or the other. You can't do both.

There's a chance you might end up with neither, of course. But there's also that chance if you keep going the way you are, and then it will be officially Your Fault For Being A Cheating Bastard (yes, what you're doing counts as cheating, for same reason as above: you weren't comfortable doing it when she was in a relationship)

It’s really difficult for you either way. If you leave you will feel heartbroken about your kids and May miss the easy familiarity of your partner. If you don’t leave you will experience a sense of loss for this girl.
But I think the pain you will feel over your current family will be worse and will impact on any new relationship.
Could you not try to do things with your current partner, now we can go out maybe get a babysitter and spend some time just the two of you. Maybe this would work better when you’ve had a chance to get over the crush. Also the new woman has only had the opportunity to be at her best when you see her, you haven’t got the everyday drudgery together so it’s easy to get a distorted view of how things will be.
Also easy not to appreciate what you have.

Honeycombskl
I think you may be right, I need to stop thinking and fantasising about this girl as its clouding my thoughts and its not the only issue at hand. I think i need to figure out what i want to do and how im going to do it. A lot of figuring out but i cant make a good judgement thinking about someone else.

I’m really struggling to believe you’re 30. 😬 This really does sound like teenage stuff....emojis and catching feelings....can’t be real.

And stop calling woman a the school, a girl! 🙄

I think this is the second time in 24 hrs you have posted about this under a different guise.

I think you may be right, I need to stop thinking and fantasising about this girl as its clouding my thoughts and its not the only issue at hand. I think i need to figure out what i want to do and how im going to do it. A lot of figuring out but i cant make a good judgement thinking about someone else.

I was married to a great guy, but we lost a lot of the love from our relationship for various reasons. We weren't attracted to each other anymore, wanted different things out of life, but we got on well and were like good friends. I knew it wasn't great or what I wanted out of life or a relationship but what pushed me to leave was when I realised I was starting to notice other men and fantasise about other relationships. I didn't ever act on anything or even close but it was what told me that I really wasn't happy with what we had. We talked things through together and decided ultimately to separate. It was hard but I know we made the right decision and I am now in a great relationship with someone I met well after splitting with my ex. Had I left for any of the guys who I fantasised over, I honestly believe I'd hate myself just now and be full of regret. If I'd started something that didn't work out with any of them then I'd be questioning if I should have ended things with my ex. The way it happened meant I know I did the right thing for me, not based on fleeting emotions or attractions of people I didn't really know.

I think you need to cut this woman out. Then make your decision of what to do about your current relationship.

I dont know if i can re ignite things i need to think about it.
To put things in perspective here as well. Myself and my parter have been in seperate beds for nearly 6 years.
We have no desire to sort that otherwise we would of ages ago.
We rarely do it. When we do she asks for terms and conditions basically wants me to do this and that and makes it like a contract. So now i just dont want to do it anyway.
Its what in dealing with at home.

Honeycombskl

Thank you for sharing your story. I guess you can see my point of view in some ways. Its finding the strength isnt it. But not doing it for someone but doing it for me.
If there were not kids in the picture id of left years ago!! Easily 😔

Well there you go, you have feelings, ahh.

You seem to think your wife won't be arsed if she found out, cause she doesn't have feelings..... crap.
It's an excuse.

Yes it gets dull being in a partnership, doing the right thing and bringing up the children in the best way possible, but hey this is about you isn't it and your feelings?
Let me tell you what will happen, you will leave if this woman gives you any indication that she wants you. You will leave devastation behind, your children will be heart snubbed that you thought their mother was not good enough and therefor vi sa vi, they too are not good enough.

Still you will continue, this woman you like is after the best possible replacement as a provider for herself and her children, likewise this too will happen with your wife.
She may get over you, you will be a mere visitor in your children's life, probably meeting up for pub lunches and odd days out because you won't be allowed in their home, another man is sitting in your chair at home, boucncing your kids on his lap and your wife.
The passion with this new bit of wool will die down to, existing and getting by and you will have another guy's kids to watch grow up instead of your own.
In short you risk another man being loved more than you by your own children, could you imagine them telling their friends and family that 'New Bob' is better than their dad who is a waste of space.

Go ahead fill your boots, I hope she's worth it.

I was lucky that we didn't have kids. I do get having your head turned when you're in an unhappy relationship, but you need to have the strength to deal with it in the right way and to make sure you are making the right decisions. Like you say, doing it for you and not just because of someone else.
You really can't get to know someone properly through brief encounters and messages, so you really don't know what things would be like with this other woman so she needs to form no part of the equation.

It sounds like you're not happy and you want to leave your partner. If that's the case that's what you need to do, but focus on doing it in a way that is best for your kids - with the least animosity possible and in a way that means you can build a respectful co-parenting relationship with your partner (which would be very difficult if you leave and get with someone you've been messaging and telling you have feelings for while still in your current relationship). Once you've done that and are ready and settled, then start to date again.

@Fatheroftwo21

Horrible situation to be in but it happens all the time. Be brave and leave your partner...it sounds beyond repair to me. 6 years in separate bedrooms? At 30 years old? Crazy.
You've got a crush on this other woman, who seems to be encouraging it despite knowing how you feel. Doesn't make you a bad person unless you act on it which you've made crystal clear you're not going to.

I am in an identical situation but I made the stupid decision to cheat. Didnt help. Made things worse and clouded my judgement even further, to the point I am still in my marriage not knowing what the fuck I'm going to do. I should leave too. Not that easy is it? Also, forcing yourself "not to think" about this other woman... wont happen.

You'll be in turmoil....and will stay that way until you're brave enough to make a choice. I'm not brave enough yet but sending you strength xx

The next relationship will ‘fade’. And the next, and the next...

You’re mistaking early obsessive lust with something that lasts. Love does change in relationships. Kids do change things - energy and opportunity for one thing! You say your wife is the backbone - you like this, it absolves you of adulting.

End your relationship with your wife. She deserves better than you. You can go revolve around a series of ‘it just feels right’ until you’re one of those sad OLD blokes

Don't be the cliche people talk about that men only leave when they have someone lined up. I always say that's not true when people say it on MN but it's increasingly the case in our circle of friends and family which is depressing because it's so cowardly.

If the relationship is bad enough you're fantasising about dating someone else who you actually know and you're flirting with them... it's time to leave, be single for a while, focus on coparenting healthily and then pursue someone else.

Don't you think that's fair?

Thank you! Ive had a lot of angry comments.
The truth is, ive been treated both bad and good over the years.
The early days my heart was ripped out by my current partner. Over and over.
Thinking i was in a relationship and suddenly getting an email from her saying shes on a plane with her ex going on holiday. Being fobbed off "just friends"
Years ago i had strong feelings that i just held on and i got what i wanted, had kids but the grasser wasnt greener at all. I love my kids, best thing ever to happen, no regrets! But yes 6 years seperate beds. We do it once every 4-5 months but with her terms and conditions. No kissing. We never kiss. And i loved kissing. Affection out the window. Shes a great mum. She works hard at home and i appreciate it. But its like shes my mum as well?! Its odd.
Yep this school mum. Beautiful, a complete dream!! Gets me. But i just simply cant go there. Im an emotional person, the guilt would destroy me. Id be cheating on my whole family.
I have to get into a zone in my head, i need some self esteem as mine is very low. Ive got a dad bod im not the same as i was. And ive been labeled fat a lot by my current partner. Its not been nice. Its finding the strength though, everyone knows me as a doting and loving dad i cant be seperate from my kids! I cant even go on business trips as i wont sleep properly through the night because i miss them. So its scary.
And this other person, yes i need to but its hard not to think about her and the thought of her with another man is sht. Because shes come along and boom! But i cant and wont go there while still in this somewhat relationship.

I would only do things fairly. Im not lining anyone up.
Its just something thats happened.
And i think its unfair to say every next relationship will fade. You cant predict that.

Have you tried fixing things with your wife. Date nights, maybe even counselling? Every relationship will go stale of you don't both put the effort in, especially if you put young kids into the mix

@Fatheroftwo21

Sorry I dont mean to anger people. I know its not fair, we arent married by the way as people are saying wife. This is why im on here asking because i dont know if i just need to get a grip, and let it pass or end things with my partner and break the family. Its horrible because me and my partner dont have any romance or spark anymore, we just act as a team for the kids basically. And ive not felt anything for years neither has she. And i meet someone who starts off as a normal school mum and over time ive developed feelings! I didnt want to develop feelings cause it makes things complicated.

I must apologise if im a little frustrating.

And guess what ? Before too long with the new woman you also won’t ‘feel any romance or spark ‘ just give it some time This is something anyone with a little life experience and common sense can tell you can tell you and that men like yourself fail to understand The grass is not greener on the other side no matter how much you think it is . The grass is greener where you choose to water it You’re choosing to water it in the new warm. Just like you chose to water the grass of you current relationship when it was new You’ll NEVER have a lasting or happy long term relationship until you learn commitment and to put your energy into what you have The spark Always changes always . It’s what you chose to do with those changes that decides the future Other than the spark or happiness of excitement, what you expect to get from this new relationship that you can’t get or work on with your current partner ?

@Fatheroftwo21

I dont know if i can re ignite things i need to think about it. To put things in perspective here as well. Myself and my parter have been in seperate beds for nearly 6 years. We have no desire to sort that otherwise we would of ages ago. We rarely do it. When we do she asks for terms and conditions basically wants me to do this and that and makes it like a contract. So now i just dont want to do it anyway. Its what in dealing with at home.

Ok so you guys are in seperate beds abd you say you have no desire for one another . You say she is also unhappy So have you told her about this ‘beautiful ‘ other woman abd what does she say As for the no kissing , what does she say when you talk to her about it ?

Do your children see you guys talking in the playground? Are they old enough to understand what's going on? You do what you've got to do but not in front of the kids.

And don't forget that the grass isn't always greener. That zing you're feeling could easily dwindle once you settle down with the new woman - you could be breaking your children's family over a fantasy.