My wife divorced me because I left glasses by the sink

[SpaceOp]

I just reread that blog post. It really resonates. I love dh so much and I know he loves me. And he's actually a wonderful husband and father who does loads. But....

I am just so tired of doing all the bloody thinking. I just want him to stop and think or plan or consider. Today, it was yet another minor situation where he didn't think. So small. So petty. But it really is death by a thousand paper cuts.

The list of things that wouldn't happen if I didn't think, plan, research and execute is endless. And as the main breadwinner and the one who works full time, I resent it even more. From birthdays to play dates to extra curricular activities to health care needs. Its all on me. He says he will do the cleaning but either it isn't done or its half hearted. And so I get to spend my time in a dirty house or clean it myself because if I suggest a cleaner he freaks out and says he will do it and I should stop being so controlling. He literally cannot understand that seeing the dirt is painful for me. Instead I should be grateful if he remembers to do the bathroom and the washing (even though there are constant piles and i have to deal with his stress when he realises hes done 4 loads but hasn't bothered to make sure he has done ds' football kit since the previous saturday).

He loves me, I know this. But he really can't see my.perspective.

I dont really know what I expect from this post. Just to get it out I suppose. I did contact a counselor. But haven't been able to bring myself to take it forward at an individual or couple level. Not sure why.

Just get a cleaner. And if he kicks up a fuss just say he had his chance and he's demonstrated he hasn't got the respect for you to do a good enough job at it.

Hire the cleaner, make him pay for them.

@Winkywonkydonkey

Just get a cleaner. And if he kicks up a fuss just say he had his chance and he's demonstrated he hasn't got the respect for you to do a good enough job at it.

I have actually! [Grin]. But its just one example. Probably a bad one.

That sounds exhausting. I couldn’t live like it.

For me, it’s laziness and selfishness.
There isn’t a gene specific to women that makes us remember birthdays, put on a pile of washing, push a hoover around.
It’s not that your husband can’t do it. He just can’t be bothered. And that is incredibly disrespectful towards you.

So, yes I 100% would leave someone for things like this.

What was his situation like before you met? I mean has he ever had to fend for himself?
My stbxh always had someone picking up for him and just couldn't SEE when something needed doing
He's on his own for the first time in his life now and I do wonder how he's managing considering he couldn't even grasp how to turn the washing machine on

Why doesn’t he work instead of being a SAHP who fails at the role. The idea of SAH is that the parent actually takes on the mental load off the working parent.

Love has nothing to do with anything here. It’s pure laziness.
It is also possible that because you are there, always planning and organising that he never had to develop that ability.
I’d be reported to step back - hard as it is for you and let him run with it. He needs to make mistakes and try to fix them himself before he will learn to change.

Dirty house affecting your differently from him - fair enough. People do have different standards. So - good that you have a cleaner. But on everything else - let him try to ‘do’ it all and don’t step in. For a while.

See if anything changes. If not - tell him to go back to work and hire a babysitter who can actually help you.

My DH can be a bit like this. He works a lot so that it becomes an excuse, so he didn't have the dinner starter today like he was supposed to because he was finishing up emails etc. The things I've tried and some have worked are.

• telling his family he is responsible for birthdays and Xmas for his side, so if anyone gets missed it's his fault.
• automate things, like have a pre-elected weekly shopping list online
• roomba to keep on top of the housework in between the cleaner visits.
• allocate him the downstairs loo.
• not washing his clothes until he has put away everyone else's clothes

-sending Alexa messages to read out to jog him into action.

It's exhausting though

Just get a cleaner. I've got one plus someone who does the garden, I send the ironing out and H knows not to argue as I'm in the main earner and do everything.

My advice is step back from doing his stuff. No more washing, ironing, reminding of birthdays etc. And I say 'I don't know' to every fucking question about what bins need putting out, what time DS finishes school or a multitude of other questions that I am just supposed to know.

That lazy selfish little boy will never grow up until you stop being his mother.

To be fair, cleaning is just one aspect and can be sorted with a cleaner. And I can't just step back as its often for the kids. But one thing I have done is specifically hand over one or two "thinking" things to him. But even that, I can't help that I just feel if he cares he would try harder to think about things. But he will point to all the things he does do and genuinely not understand why I am frustrated.

How do you stop caring though? DH is like this in that he doesn't "see" mess. He can clean the kitchen but leaves a random dirty mug on the side. How do I stop getting pissed off every time I have to finish his various jobs. I should just leave it for him to sort, but every time I see stuff like that it annoys me to no end. How do I let it go?

Also, to clarify, I don't have to deal with his stuff. I think it would have been very easy for us to slip into that. But I made it clear up front that wasn't happening! And actually, to be fair, he has really accepted this. But he had tonunderstand it first.

And I feel had bitching. He is nothing like what so many women on here deal with.

Oh, and to pp re work - hes not a sahd. Since kids are at school he does work, but part time shift work, mostl around kids. Although again, even that is annoying me right now as I know he hasn't even considered that half term is looming and he might need to change his schedule. If i ask him to, he will. But it won't cross his mind otherwise.

But he will point to all the things he does do and genuinely not understand why I am frustrated

Not just me living with this then.
I actually have that ‘my wife divorced me’ blog saved. I swear when I ask for a divorce one day I’m going to send it to DH when he asks “why?”.

I’ve actually stopped cooking. I leave him to it, I’d rather have a sandwich than figure out, yet again, what to cook for dinner because he’s twiddling about in the garage doing some unnecessary tinkering with an engine. When teen asks what’s for dinner I say ‘ask dad’.

Was he not like this before you married?

@DenisetheMenace

Was he not like this before you married?

I think he was. But I made it clear that I wasn't taking on his stuff and so it was fine. But now its about the kids and other stuff. Plus I am not oblivious that there are all kinds.of things he does do. Its just the thinking and planning bit.

It’s the chicken and the egg, OP.
If you want him to grow up and accept responsibility for thinking - he needs to see actual consequences of what happens when he doesn’t.
So far - you fix it. So - no consequences.

So - with half-term - don’t remind him.
Let him deal with fallout if he in fact forgets. And don’t step in - as hard as it would be for you.
After this happens once - he’ll learn. (There is hope)

On other things kids related - unless it life/death - you CAN let him fail and learn a lesson. Let kids tell him they are disappointed when they miss a party or don’t have the right kit. Let HIM see and deal with that.

I can sense you are a very organised and methodical person. He clearly isn’t. But - as many adults like that - he needs to find his own way to force himself to be.
He benefit from you being the safety net.
If you want to change anything - you need to remove it.
Sink or swim.

I find it hard to believe that women and, in general it is women, can't see and predict how their partners are likely to behave before they agree to live/marry/have kids with them. So I have little sympathy for those who have find they have chosen badly when all the warning signs have probably been there all along as to how these men and, in general it is men, will behave in future.

You have to allocate them a complete job that they are entirely responsible for. Never ask then to start the dinner or 'put on a wash' When dh was working part time and me full time, he was responsible for all the washing and ironing. DC knew this so moaned at him if something was missing.
We still have it that he cooks on Tuesday - buys and cooks what ever he fancies, nothing to do with me. Adult dc also have one day to cook. Then if any of them bugger up their task they have to sort it out, get us a takeaway, stay up late to iron etc.
Not my problem.

I snapped a few years ago. Then I just kind of let it happen.

So if the football kit isn't washed, it isn't washed. It's his problem. Just look at him and shrug your shoulders.

I used to have to wake my husband up ffs. He's a managing director. Stopped doing that. Stopped sending cards and gifts to his mother. Just kind of said to him 'it's your mum's birthday tomorrow, I don't know what you want to do etc.

It was partly because I just couldn't be arsed with it and partly because I didn't want the responsibility (and blame) for everything. I was sick of everyone asking me where stuff was or what we were doing and how we are doing it and why we are doing it then and what we are eating. Then giving me their opinions and then telling me how it could be done better or how it should have been done.

Do you have a link to that blog please ? I'd like to read it again.

He’s not a great guy if he’s fine with you running yourself into the ground. Why do you need his permission to get a cleaner. Just fucking get one.

Just stop.
Seriously, stop doing it all bar the minimum.
Don’t plan the weekends and the hols and whatnot. Tell him you have enough on your plate and it’s his responsibility.
And the WAIT.

Yep I’m sure that at least the first time, you’ll have a shit time. Think different things that clash etc... let HIM sort it out.
That’s the only way he will learn.

Because each time you are saying you have enough and can’t do it all but actually step up to still do it, you are telling him that actually you CAN do it. But you just dont want to. (With good reasons btw, I am not disputing that!). So what sort of incentives does he have to change?

@quizqueen

I find it hard to believe that women and, in general it is women, can't see and predict how their partners are likely to behave before they agree to live/marry/have kids with them. So I have little sympathy for those who have find they have chosen badly when all the warning signs have probably been there all along as to how these men and, in general it is men, will behave in future.

100% agree. These men don’t transform overnight. They were always over grown babies, one day it just stopped being cute/helpless/endearing and seen for what it was.

My DH is like this unless I stop doing the things. I used to do all the house stuff, all the kids stuff, work full time and be exhausted. These days I just can't be arsed with doing all that so i just stopped doing stuff and told DH he had to do certain things. He now does the weekly shop and the laundry. I do the cleaning and buy the kids clothes. We both sort weekend activities. I probably still do more but I'm not doing everything. I also got used to living in a total mess of a house whereas before it made me stressed now my standards are so low I just look past it!

This is ridiculous. He presumably manages to remember things at work, otherwise he wouldn't keep his job. I suspect you really need to make it matter to him before you will get your point of view over, to the point of threatening to walk out if he doesn't get his act together.